*Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes so slow and it goes so fast*
-Passenger *Let her go*
Chapter 17
After pathetically staring after Dace for an unknown amount of time I finally manage to pull myself together and go to face Wesley. Whatever he has to say can’t make me feel any worse than I already do, so in a way I’m more prepared to deal with it now than I ever was. How ironic.
Wesley greets me with raised eyebrows and I know he’s thinking about Dace. Even though I know he doesn’t suspect a thing, he’s still curious about why Dace and I would be fighting like that. But I’m not here to talk about Dace, so he better get on with why he asked me to come here or I’m leaving.
“So, why am I here?” I snap a little harsher than I intended. It’s not really fair, but I’m taking out my anger on Wesley. If he had just walked in a few moments later things might have been so different! He didn’t know, though, which is still a good thing after all.
“I just thought we could talk about yesterday and, well, this whole summer,” he says, looking slightly uncomfortably. Good.
“What’s with all the secrecy then? Meeting you outside at a specific hour? We could have just had this conversation earlier on the beach!” I exclaim, feeling stupid that I had let it stress me out so much. I still don’t even know what he’s going to say really, but I had assumed that something big was going on and I let it stress me out for nothing.
“I just didn’t want everyone eavesdropping like they always do. Besides don’t you remember when we always used to lay under the stars together? You used to love that,” he says. I stare at him calmly when all I really want to do is hit him.
“Uh, we never did that. I asked you once and you said that it was a stupid thing to do and that guys didn’t like stuff like that. So, we stayed inside and played videogames like you wanted to do,” I remind him.
“Are you sure? I swear I remember us doing that,” Wesley replies with his eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. Normally I would be extremely annoyed with this, but now I just shake my head at him with the smallest of smiles. Some people never change. For once it feels like a good thing. I don’t want Wesley to change, even his annoying habits of never remembering things the way they actually happened.
“Yeah. I’m sure, Wes,” I say.
“Oh. Well, we can look at the stars now? I even brought a blanket,” he offers and I shrug because what harm can it really do?
Without a second thought I lie myself down on the outstretched blanket and lift my gaze to the sky. Not a single star is visible due to a blanket of clouds. Just my luck.
“Guess this wasn’t such a great idea after all,” Wes says sheepishly and I actually laugh.
“It’s the thought that counts.”
“So, it’s really over? You and me?” he asks abruptly and I turn my head to stare into eyes cloudier than the sky above us.
“It’s been over for awhile, don’t you think? I just didn’t realize it until recently,” I reply.
“I still love you, you know. I shouldn’t have done the things that I did. You deserved better than that and I am sorry,” he tells me. We both know it’s a little too late for an apology.
“I know, Wes. I love you, too, but I don’t know if it’s enough. Things were great with us, but you’ve always been more of my best friend than my boyfriend. We were the same age and we were already so close it just seemed logical to date, but maybe we’re better as friends. I hope that we still can be,” I tell him honestly.
“Of course we can. You’ll always be family,” he says with a smile. This is when I know that everything between us is going to be alright. Things might be weird for awhile, but we’ll make it and I love him for that.
Wes and I continue to talk for awhile after this. It’s been so long since we’ve had a real conversation and it’s just so easy to slip back into the way things used to be. The only difference is that we make sure to keep any relationship stuff out of it. We are strictly friends from this point on and we’re both okay with that. The best part is that we can still talk about things that happened without it being weird.
“Do you remember the first time we kissed?” I ask him as we laugh at old memories. This one would be the one I would always remember most and I wondered whether he would too.
“Sure. It was in my tree house when we were twelve. You had just eaten a grape popsicle and your lips were still purple,” he laughs and I frown at him.
“No, that was after we were already dating. Our first kiss was when I was nine. Don’t you remember? You told me that you were going to marry me one day and then Dace came out and asked me to come watch a movie with him,” I remind him and this time he frowns at me.
“I know I’m not the best with memories, but I definitely don’t remember that happening. Besides Dace never watched movies with you, remember? You used to beg and beg him, but he always refused. I used to watch them with you, though. Peter Pan was your favorite,” he says and I just stare at him in disbelief. He couldn’t actually be telling me the memory I had always prized the most wasn’t actually real, right? He seemed completely earnest, though, and I could tell he wasn’t messing with me.
“But then how…? I definitely remember it happening! Unless…,” I trail off, feeling very confused. I examine the memory in my head, trying to fit together all the pieces. Something is off, though. Now that Wesley said it wasn’t him I can’t picture his face as the one that leaned in to kiss me. Instead I can only see…Dace.
“Unless it was Dace,” I say in the barest of whispers. How could have I remembered something so important so wrong? It was always supposed to be Dace. Even all the way back then.
“Are you saying that Dace kissed you?” Wes demands and I roll my eyes.
“Does it really matter? I was nine,” I reply. It does matter, though. At least to me. Staring at Wesley, I know that he is the only thing truly standing in between me and Dace. He might not even be angry, but Dace wouldn’t do it regardless. So, maybe I should.
“Wes?” I start and he nods for me to go on. “We’re friends, right? No matter what?”
“Why? What’s going on. Ivy?” he asks.
“Just promise me? Please?” I beg.
“Okay, yeah. I promise. Now, spit it out,” Wes replies and I take in a lungful of air before proceeding.
“I think I’m in love with your brother,” I say using only a single breath to get the words out and then add just in case he didn’t fully understand, “With Dace.”
There is no reaction whatsoever to the words. He just stares at me without saying a word. He could be made of stone with the amount of emotion he’s showing, which is none.
“I’m gonna kill him,” he says finally.
“What? No!” I protest as he stands up and tries to walk towards the door to go inside. I throw my arms around his legs and tightly hold them together so that he can’t walk any further. “Wait! He doesn’t even know!”
“Are you kidding me, Ivy? All of the guys in the world and you choose him?” he demands, staring down at me angrily. Why did I decide to tell him this again? What exactly did I think was going to happen? That maybe he would say that it’s completely fine if I try to date his brother? Oh, give me a break!
“I didn’t do it on purpose! It would make things a hell of a lot easier if I didn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it, Wes. I love him,” I whisper and let go of his legs. If he wants to go tell Dace everything I just said then fine. At least I’ll still have my dignity! Okay, if I’m being honest I probably lost that a long, long time ago.
He doesn’t leave me there like I thought he would, though. Instead he sinks back down to the ground so that he’s sitting next to me again. Some of the anger in his face has faded.
“How long?” he asks, looking at me with sad eyes.
“Well, today would be the first time I actually admitted it,” I say lightly. He gives me a hard stare, which makes me feel I need to give him a better answer than that. “I don’t know, Wes. I think…I think there’s always been something maybe. I just didn’t realize it until this summer after me and you stopped spending so much time together.”
“I guess I should’ve seen this coming,” Wes says with a little head shake. This is definitely the last thing I expected him to say. How could he have seen it coming? Even I didn’t!
“What do you mean?”
“Oh come on, Ivy. We’ve all seen the way Dace looks at you,” he mutters and I frown at him. “I knew that he liked you before we ever started dating, but I decided to go for it anyway. I thought he would get over it after me and you were a thing, but maybe I was wrong.”
“You knew he liked me all the way back then and you never said anything!? He won’t be with me because he doesn’t want to hurt you, but you knew that he liked me and dated me anyway!” I exclaimed. Seriously, did everyone know that Dace liked me except for me? What is this?
“Um, it wasn’t exactly like I forced you to. It was your decision too, you know,” Wes replies. This is true, but I’m still pissed off.
“When did everything get so messed up? Things used to be so simple!”
“Maybe they’ve always been this way and you just never saw it. You are kinda oblivious to some things,” he says and I glare at him.
“So not helping,” I mumble under my breath. “So, what now?”
“What do you want me to say, Ivy? That I’m okay with you being in love with Dace? I don’t see how I can change that even if I wanted to. I do still love you, though, you know. Even if I haven’t been acting like it lately, I do.”
“You might love me, but you don’t want me. Not really. I know because I feel the same way. I love you, but it’s not that crazy kind of love that’s exciting and passionate and just so completely overwhelming that you can‘t even think of anything else. And we both deserve to have that, Wes,” I tell him.
“And what if that’s not real? What if what we have is as good as it gets?”
“I don’t believe that. Because if it was then we both wouldn’t want something more,” I say simply.
“Do you think you have that with Dace?” Wes asks and I can feel my face start to blush. I look down at my hands as I answer because I just can’t seem to meet his eyes.
“I don’t know. I mean he hasn’t even said that he still wants me,” I say, purposely avoiding the question.
“It doesn’t matter what he wants. Just answer the question,” he says, not letting me get away with it for a second. I take a deep breath and then attempt to answer him the best that I can.
“I think I could. It’s hard to compare what I feel towards you with what I feel towards him. It’s a completely different feeling, just like you’re completely different people. Total opposites, like day and night,” I answer honestly. Wesley stares at me intently for a moment before sighing.
“I’ll talk to him,” Wes says abruptly.
“What?”
“I’ll tell him that I’m okay with it. That he should go for it,” he explains and I feel my eyes grow larger and larger.
“You would do that? But why?” I ask in disbelief. Totally didn’t see that one coming.
“Because I want you to be happy, him too I guess. I’m not saying I won’t still kick his ass if he tries making out with you in front of me or anything, but if you love him than who am I to stand in the way?” he tells me. This huge sense of relief just washes over me and without thinking about it I leap into his arms, squeezing him tightly.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I squeal and he clears his throat uncomfortably at which point I pull away with a sheepish smile. “Sorry. Just friends. No hugging. Got it.”
He just laughs and ruffles my hair like I’m a silly little kid. Honestly, that’s what I feel like most of the time. Although, I’m starting to feel a little more mature lately. Normally I never would have said anything to Wesley about my feelings for Dace. I would have been too scared. But now because I did, my life is finally going in the direction I want it to. I might actually get to stay friends with Wesley and be with Dace at the same time. I never ever thought it could work out so well. In this moment, I’m so happy it feels like nothing could burst my bubble. For once everything is going to work out.
Wesley and I walk inside together and then part ways once we reach the top of the stairs. He promises to speak to Dace soon and that I should just go to sleep for the night and figure the rest out tomorrow. I really do plan on trying to listen to him, but I’m just so hyped up that there is no way I’m going to fall asleep. What I want to do is go find Dace and tell him everything. He probably won’t believe me until Wesley says it all himself, but I just want so badly to talk to him now and at least explain what I can.
Somehow I do manage to refrain myself from going off in search of him, though. Well, that might not be exactly true. After being in my room for less than five minutes I realize that I never even had a snack! And well as you probably know, sugar is the most important food group. Hell, as far as I’m concerned it’s the only food group. Anyway, the point is that I decide to go down to the kitchen to get a snack and if I just so happen to run into Dace along the way, well what can a girl do?
Much to my disappointment I don’t run into him on the way to the kitchen. He’s either in his room or not here at all, which means that I probably won’t be talking to him tonight. A little disappointing, but honestly I’m just still so happy anyway. What difference will a few hours make really? I’ll talk to him eventually and then everything will be perfectly perfect.
This must be what it’s like to be in love. Everything seems so much better than it did before. Even waiting doesn’t seem like such a big deal, which being patient is something I have clearly always struggled with. Even things like the annoying dripping of the leaky faucet doesn’t seem as annoying anymore. And when I find some ice cream hidden in the freezer I find that my stomach is still so full of butterflies that I can’t even eat it. Normally this would concern me because I have never turned down a bowl of ice cream in my life, but I’m in such a good mood it doesn’t bother me one bit.
As I’m going to place the ice cream back I notice something move outside the window. I step closer to see what it is and am surprised to see a couple embracing on the porch. At first I think it’s just Wesley or possibly even Keaton, but there’s no real way I could mistake either of them for Dace. His hair shines in the moonlight as some other girl runs her hands through it. If I had just eaten that ice cream I probably would have thrown up from how sick this sight makes me.
The fact that he’s out there sticking his tongue down some other girl’s throat isn’t even the worse part. The worse part is that as I stare, unable to take my eyes away, I realize that I know this girl. That I thought she was my friend. That it’s Maya.
A series of emotions rush through me all at once. I’m angry and hurt and so, so confused. I thought that he loved me. I thought that we would be together now. Did I want it so badly that I placed my own feelings on him? Was I wrong about how he felt? What other explanation was there? If I could have thought of one I would have ran with it, but as it was I couldn’t and the truth slapped me in the face so hard I couldn’t breath. He never loved me.
And what about Maya? My supposed best friend? She knew how I felt about him! I had just been talking to her about him earlier today! I’m not expert on friendships with girls considering I don’t have many, but I knew enough that this was definitely not okay. There must be some kind of girl code rule against hooking up with the guy your best friend was in love with, right? If I wasn’t in complete shock I probably would have gone out there and punched her.
I must have gasped or made some kind of sound because Dace raises his head and stares directly at me. I know he can see me and he knows I can see him and yet after a second he lowers his head back down to Maya’s. There’s no shock at seeing me there, no remorse at hurting me this way, no nothing.
And for me there’s no anger or tears the way there was when Wesley cheated on me. No, this time all I feel is a complete numbness that spreads from my head to my toes, completely encompassing my heart, turning it to stone. I have nothing left to feel.
This isn’t like with Wesley. Dace and I were never even technically together. Yet somehow it seems worse. My earlier happiness is shattered into a million tiny pieces and maybe I’m being dramatic, but I wonder if I’ll ever be truly happy again. I wanted him so bad and now I can never have him. He’s made sure of that.
Without a backward glance I walk back upstairs to my room. I don’t run or walk quickly to put distance between me and what’s going on outside. I walk with even strides, a strange sense of calmness filling me. Then I climb into my bed and close my eyes. I don’t know what‘s going to come next. I don’t know anything at all, except for one thing. I’ll never let myself fall in love again.
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Okay, so I know most of you are probably really mad at me right now, but I swear it's not as bad as it seems! I don't want to give anything away, but just remember that all stories have to have their low points and that things normally go up from there. Don't hate me! I'll try to update soon!