(37)Kelsea - Tuesday 2nd October, 10 p.m, Kale's house
I went to see Gram today. She's getting worse.
I saw it as soon as I walked into the room. Her cheekbones sticking out, the sallow skin stretched over them. Her eyes are sunken and her hands shake.
I don't understand how this could happen so quickly. When I went to her house a few weeks ago she was full of life, and then she went to the hospital and is now suddenly sickly and ill - visibly so.
She's still as cheery as ever, even though she had to keep pausing for breath and to cough when she was speaking to me. I brought her some books from the library that she told me to get last time I went to see her - I've been to the hospital every weekend and some days after school since she's gotten ill, but today was the first time I went alone.
"If you don't want Lucy to know what's wrong, can't you tell me now? She's not here." I sat beside Gram's bed as the little TV flashed colour across the room and the rain dripping down the window.
"I don't want to talk about that, please, Kelsea. I just want to enjoy your visit." Behind her smile I could see sternness, and also pain - so I dropped it.
I wanted to talk to her about Lucy and the note, but she's ill and I don't want to make her worry. I don't know where to go, who to tell.
When it was time for me to leave - I stayed there for two hours and then the nurses ushered me out - I was in tears as I walked back down the corridor and through the reception and down the stairs. I've never felt more helpless and alone. When I used to get into trouble or I needed help or someone to talk to, Gram would be who I spoke to. However now, it's me who's comforting her, with just my presence alone.
I went over to Kale's, and I'm here now. It's so great that his parents don't mind, and don't throw me out when Kale falls asleep and I pretend to be asleep beside him. I'm sitting on his bed against the headboard with him facing me, his head beside my lap where this diary is.
My heart is beating in the roof of my mouth because Kale has never been this close to my diary. Nobody has - nobody knows I have a diary and I'm going to keep it that way.
When I got to Kale's house, Lucy was there. She was baking with Christianna in the kitchen. Christianna answered the door with a beautiful smile, and I felt a sudden rush of affection for her, with her lovely long golden hair and lovely personality. It's so easy to like people who are good-looking when all they do is smile and act friendly - how bad is that?
Kale and Christie's parents weren't in. I went up to Kale's room to find him sticking up a new poster, diagonally.
"Hey." He turned his head around and grinned, his arms above his head as he pinned one corner, causing his navy shirt to lift and display the waistband of his jeans and some skin.
I smiled and sat down on his bed, watching him. "That's crooked."
"It's meant to be!" He laughed and stuck the other corner down then turned around and came to sit beside me. "How are you?"
"I went to visit Gram." I grabbed his hand and began to absentmindedly play with it. "In the hospital. She's gotten worse."
Before I had knocked on the front door, I'd frantically wiped my hands over my cheeks to get rid of any tear stains, but now I could feel myself getting all worked up again.
"You still haven't found out what's wrong with her?" Kale whispered, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.
I shook my head and held my breath to try to keep the tears at bay. "I tried to ask again but I don't want to keep asking. She said she doesn't want to think about it."
He was silent, because I think he realised he couldn't say 'she'll be fine' or something like that. Maybe he thought I wanted to talk and not be interrupted. He just didn't know what to say.
After a while, Kale turned to me and wrapped his strong arms around me, and he smelt of mint and soap and the washing powder that I guess his mum had used to wash his t-shirt. I closed my eyes as he cradled my head to his chest, and then he leaned down to gently brush his lips against mine.
I almost told him about Lucy and the note. But then he pulled back with a smile and it was so good-natured and hopeful that the words dissolved on my tongue.
There was no time for me to say anything more, either, because at that moment there was a small cough at the door. We both whirled round to see Christianna, wearing a kitchen apron, some flour on her cheek.
"Lucy and I were just wondering if you wanted to come and bake with us." She grinned broadly. "We made a batch of cookies already and now we're making more. But if you're busy, that's fine . . . " she laughed and wiggled her eyebrows.
Kale rolled his eyes and smiled. Blushing furiously, I stood up and tugged on Kale's hand. "Of course we want to. C'mon, Kale."
The warm, mouth-watering sweet smell of baked cookies had wafted up the stairs. Downstairs, Lucy was taking two trays full of them out of the oven - they were in slightly weird shapes, but looked great, the chocolate chips melted slightly on top and the dough pale brown.
She looked over at us and smiled, her eyes brightening up to a lighter blue-grey. "Hi."
"Hey." Kale went over to the tray of cookies on the side and breathed in. "Hmm these smell great."
Christianna nudged him out of the way, peering at the cookies before smiling as if she approved. "Okay, let's get going!" She called out then, clapping her hands together.
We weren't a bad cookie-making team. Kale is surprisingly clumsy and got flour everywhere as he sieved it into the bowl, whilst Christianna acted as though she was on a cooking program, weighing all the ingredients perfectly and finishing everything with a flourish.
While we waited for the cookies to bake, we all sat on the squashy leather sofa in the sitting room and watched the TV on the wall.
The Atticus's house is so much more modern and fresh and space out then ours even though it's the same size as our house - like our house but backwards, is what I always think. But their furniture is new and matches, their cushions are fat and fully-padded, and the worktops in the kitchen are sparkling clean. The shoes under the stairs are in neat rows. The bookcase is lined correctly and neatly.
I was so happy there. Just being there with Kale and Lucy and Christianna and we were all friends, and Kale is so special to me and I just don't want to be apart for him; that's what I realised today. He's kind of my little addiction and I've never felt more at home than when he wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his shoulder.
After the cookies were done and we ate some of them, Christianna and Lucy left us alone and Kale took me back to his room. Both of us sat on his bed and leaned back against the wall, our knees tucked up to our chests.
That's when I realised we were in Kale's room, on his bed, and I felt all flustered even though I've sat there many times before.
I don't feel it now, as I watch him sleep beside me; maybe because he's asleep - still breathing and alive and raw but not awake and alert - and right in that moment before he was staring at me like he'd never seen me before and wouldn't ever see me again; like he was trying to remember me with every single detail.
"Do you know what you're gonna do after you leave school yet?" Kale asked me.
I rolled my eyes and immediately felt stressed out. "You say that like I have to figure it out soon."
"I didn't mean it like that. You know what I mean," he replied, raising a fair eyebrow and brushing a strand of my hair off my forehead.
I shrugged, and felt lifeless - like I always do when I think about life after school. It depresses me more than thinking about whether or not there is life after death, because school is my life - right now is my life and I can't imagine anything different.
"I don't know, Kale," I whispered exasperatedly. "I don't know."
"You don't have to." When he saw I was getting worked up, he leaned in close and kissed me softly, whispering, "You don't have to know. You'll be fine, everything will fall into place. That's one thing I definitely do know, even though it hasn't happened to me yet either."
"Oh, Kale. We're so lost." I half-laughed, half-cried.
He just smiled and caressing my cheek, he murmured, "No, we're just keeping all our options open."
Some time later I padded across the landing to use the bathroom, and that's when I caught onto Lucy and Christianna's conversation coming from Christianna's room, floating across to me.
That was when I learnt everything.
". . . got to do something, Lucy," I heard Christianna say as I was walking.
I stopped immediately in the space of wall between Kale's door and her door so no one could see me.
"Christianna, not here. I don't wanna talk about it," I heard my sister reply.
I held my breath as I hear Christianna sigh. "I do. Lucy, I can't stand to watch it. You can't let them rule you. I hate how I'm not always there to ... To shut them up."
"That's exactly what Luke said," I just about heard Lucy mumble.
"Well he's right. And he's obsessed with you, too. What else did Luke say?"
My heart stilled, and then all of a sudden began to pound in the roof of my mouth. It was all coming together. The note. This was the guy from the note.
"He invited me to . . . His birthday party. I didn't go though, because - you know. Everyone would be there and . . . God, can we change the subject?" I could practically hear Lucy rolling her eyes.
"Why don't you let him in? He's trying to help you. He's been telling them all to stop it and some of them are listening to him. That boy likes you so much, Lucy."
"He's one of them, even though he doesn't do what they do. Anyway, I don't want a boyfriend, Christianna."
"Aren't you glad? Aren't you happy that someone likes you?" Christie's voice was desperate and urgent and wild; so much it was embarrassing.
I didn't wait to listen to anymore of this. Lucy is being bullied. Lucy is the infatuation of some boy called Luke.
I didn't, couldn't even go to the toilet after. I just rushed back to Kale and sat down beside him, lost in thought. He peered round at me, asked me what was wrong.
"Nothing." I sighed and frowned and then leaned my head against his shoulder.
I kissed his neck and he kissed my cheek; I kissed his jaw and he kissed my lips. It was slow and felt like the end of the day, when everything was the best and everything was soft and sensual.
It's awful, but I forgot about Lucy then. That's what Kale does to me; makes my insides burn and my heart beat pulse in my fingertips, my chest, my mouth - makes it beat in every inch of me.
I was sitting up with my hands in the bed behind me, my arms supporting me up. Kale was leaning forwards, and slowly he slid his arms around my waist so another part of us was touching. Slowly I bent my arms, and both of us lowered and lowered until I was flat on my back and Kale was hovering above me, supporting his weight with one arm, and caressing my cheek with his free hand.
Slowly Kale leaned back and then laid down beside me, both of us staring up at the ceiling - that's when I realised the pair of us were fully lying down on his bed together. He wrapped his arms around me and then I blushed.
Kale grinned, and it was boyish and smooth and glorious, the fading light from the window basking his face in a soft pale glow. We didn't say anything for a long time.
Lucy went home after. I stayed. I was still awake when Kale fell asleep, like last time, and he's still sleeping like he hasn't slept in a thousand years, his gold hair covering the side of his face and his jaw working slightly.
I wonder what he's dreaming.
I just want to be next to him, doing what he is doing instead of writing in here and reliving today. So this is the end of this entry; I'll think about Lucy later on.
Good night.
Kelsea