I smile softly as I watched Fisher walk down the street towards his house, waving goodbye to me. Then, when he twists his body forwards to focus on where he is going, I let my smile fade.
If only I could tell him. I had hidden my feelings pretty well, pretending to be concerned with the judgements of those stupid girls, but that is not the case. I just couldn't bear to tell Fisher the truth, the real reason I had been depressed.
I couldn't tell him that every time I was close to him, touched him, or wanted to kiss him, that memories of Tyler flooded back into my brain at those moments.
When I had held his hand to pull him away from those girls, all I could think about was his grip being replaced by Tyler's, Brad's or Nick's, and pinning me down.
If I looked into his eyes, I couldn't hold his gaze because whenever I did, I saw Tyler looking back at me while he tugged his shirt off.
And when Fisher had kissed me, my heart exploded with joy, but when he pulled away, for a moment I saw Tyler there instead of him.
I shivered, and turned my back to Fisher's figure disappearing in the night. I walked to the kitchen, where I saw my mum pacing around it while talking on the phone. She saw me, and gave me a sympathetic look. Whatever she was talking about was not good.
I quickly escaped to my room, trying to avoid filling my mind with more troubling thoughts. When I got there, I dashed to my bed and threw myself under the covers, not caring about getting mud everywhere.
I wanted the escape of sleep, but it had not been coming to me. Every night I was plagued with nightmares. Each one recreating a scene from the party with added horribleness.
I shuddered again, trying not to think about the nightmares and just to relax my mind to allow myself to sleep. Nothing worked though.
An hour had passed, and I then gave up. I trudged to the bathroom to rid myself of the mud that was caked on me.
I stood underneath the hot water pouring from the showerhead for a long time. I tried and tried to remove the terrible thoughts and memories from my head, but with no avail.
'You're pathetic.' I told myself 'You can't even move on from the past.' I then felt cold water drip down my face. I was crying again. I angrily wiped the tears off my cheeks. 'Look at you, you can't even go a couple of hours without crying.' my brain spat at me.
I groaned and rubbed my hands against my forehead. Will I ever be able to move on from the past? Probably not.
I turned the shower handle, and the water ceased from lightly hitting my back. I sighed as I stepped out onto the floor mat and wrapped a towel around myself, averting my eyes from the mirror. I didn't want to see myself like this.
I gazed around the bathroom for something to take my mind off of everything that was troubling me. My gaze then rested on a razor that was sitting innocently on the counter.
'Pain could make it all go away.' my head told me. I found myself reaching for the razor, then realised what I was doing. I slapped myself, then scurried out of the bathroom and the razor back to the safety of my bedroom.
I grabbed my phone and sat on the floor to distract myself from the awful idea that had been in my brain a second ago.
I sat there for an hour, until I was fully dry. Then, I changed into my pyjamas and threw the wet towel into my laundry hamper.
I was just getting settled into bed to attempt sleep once again, when I heard a knock on my door.
My mum entered, after I told her she could come in, with sad look on her face. I gazed up at her, not even having to ask her what was wrong due to the confused look on my face.
My mum shuffled over to me and placed her hand on my should, giving me another sad smile.
"I just got off the phone with the police. The trial's on Friday." she tells me quietly.
My face goes white, and I can't seem to speak. Any words I try to make come out as soft squeaks and whimpers. Friday. That's only four days from now. I'm not ready.
My mother pets my hair as I have an internal freak out.
"Do you need to be alone right now?" she asks softly, and I nod. She nods back and quietly exits my room, giving me one last sympathetic look before closing the door.
I curl into a small ball under the blankets. I don't want to be alone, but at the same time I do. Thoughts race around my head, appearing then disappearing rapidly as I try to find the answers for all of them.
One stays prominent though : Should I tell Fisher?
I can't find an answer. I want him to be there, I might need him to, but I'm worried. I'm worried that he will do something or say something that will cause him to get into trouble. The fact that it's also getting harder for me to not think of Tyler around him terrifies me, and I can't make an accurate guess on what would happen if they are in the same room together. Would he even come? He said he would, but...am I worth it?
I shake my head. I need to rest. I can't decide when I'm tired. I uncurl my body and try to relax myself as much as possible, begging sleep to find me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[The Next Day]
I wake the next morning, gasping for air and cold sweat trickling down my forehead. Once again, from the moment I fell asleep, to the moment I woke, I had had nightmares.
They were memories of the party, like usual, but they were distorted. Made worse by my stressed mind.
I tried not to think about them too much, as I got ready for school, but they crept back into my mind as I tried to do other things. They made their way into my thoughts as I was brushing my teeth, getting dressed, eating breakfast and packing my bag.
I couldn't help it though, these ones were just felt so real. I could smell the scent of alcohol and smoke when I woke, and I heard the ringing of people talking and loud music in my ears as well. The worst part was that it was one memory, played over and over in different distorted ways to torture me.
It was the moment when I saw that girl kiss Fisher.
At first it was just like the memory, then it got worse, it became Fisher was the one who started the kiss, then Fisher looking at me with hatred and triumph in his eyes, then Fisher being by my side and leaving me for the girl, and finally, Fisher shoving me away and causing me to fall into the arms of Tyler, who clamped his hand over my mouth while pulling me away as Fisher made out with the girl, watching me, making no attempt to stop anything.
I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard someone coming down the stairs. I turned away from the half eaten toast I had just been staring at, to see my father there.
"What are you doing up this earlier?" he asked me while making himself some coffee.
"What are you talking about? I was just about to ask you why you're up this late." I respond.
"Dustin, it's five forty." he pulls out a mug.
"Oh."
"You alright?"
My response was to meekly shrug my shoulders.
"You can talk to me about it." he says while he pours some coffee.
"I'd rather not."
"Is this about the trial on Friday?"
Silence.
My dad set his coffee cup down and walks over to me, he pulls me out of the chair I'm sitting in so we stand facing each other. He then pulls me into an awkward hug, something we don't do much.
"It's going to be okay." he tells me.
I nod, and he releases me from the hug and pats my shoulder.
"You go back to bed. Try to get some more sleep."
I nod again and head upstairs back to my room. I don't bother trying to sleep though, I'm ready for school and I don't want to have to deal with any more nightmares.
Instead, I grab my phone and headphones and lie on my bed, Youtube always solves the problem that is boredom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time seven rolls around I'm bored again. I decide to go see if Fisher's up.
I say goodbye to my mum, grab my bag, and head outside.
The weather is nicer today, warmer, but still a little cloudy. A slight breeze blows through the street, and I zip up my jacket a bit more. The streets practically empty, besides for a few people getting into cars or getting the newspaper.
When I get to Fisher's house, I can see by the fact that the blue truck is missing from the driveway, that his dad has already left for work. I think he's a weatherman, but I'm not sure.
I approach the front door and press the doorbell, soon after, Fisher's mum opens the door with a smile on her face. She invites me inside and we make small talk. She teases me about being up so early, and says that Fisher should be more like me.
I'm offered some food by her, but I refuse. I don't want her to have to make something for me, and besides, I've lost my appetite from thinking about my nightmares.
I ask though, where Fisher is, and if he's awake. I'm told that he's most likely in his room, but she's not certain if he's even up yet.
We chuckle at that. I've always liked Fisher's mum. I thank her and head up to Fisher's room.
When I get there, I nock lightly on the door. I, unlike Fisher, respect privacy. The response I get is a muffled "Come in."
I enter, and see him standing with his back turned to me. I rush behind him and place my hands over his eyes.
"Guess who?!"
"Hmmm...let me guess..."
I giggle.
"Barry."
"No."
"Susan."
"No!"
"Riley."
"No."
"Mum."
"No!!!"
"Aah...I give up then."
"It's me Dustin!" I laugh and remove my hands from his eyes.
"I never could have guessed!" he says in mock surprise then turns to face me.
That's when I see that he's shirtless. I've never seen Fisher shirtless.
My laughter dies down and I just...stare at him.
The first thing I think of is Tyler, but I immediately push that thought out of my head. The second thing I think of is how much I would love to see him like this every morning.
His hair is ruffled and unkempt, sticking out in random directions due to it not being styled. His eyes have that tired look in them that most people can't pull off, but he just looks adorably sleepy. He doesn't have any bags under his eyes though, which means he's slept well, unlike me.
My eyes drift back down to his chest. It's hard to describe it other than perfection. It's toned, his skin isn't any lighter or darker around it, and he's got a noticeable six pack that's not defined enough to make it look like he spends every day at the gym, just occasionally.
Fisher doesn't work out though. He barely even exercises! He's the one who first suggested skipping gym class by making up an excuse about a 'sprained ankle' or something.
I suddenly feel self conscious, then realise that I've just been staring at Fisher and his chest for over a minute.
I quickly avert my eyes to somewhere else (the floor) and try not to blush too much.
Fisher just chuckles, then flexes.
"Like what you see D?" he says while smirking.
"Shut up." I mumble, then shove him playfully.
"Careful!" he jokes while stumbling "I've got a broken arm here."
"Never stopped you before." I scoff.
He just sticks his tongue out at me, then walks over to his closet and pulls out a shirt.
"Need some help there?" I giggle as I watch him attempt (and fail) at putting the shirt on with only one hand.
"That would be nice, thanks." he mumbles through the fabric of the shirt which is currently covering his face.
I just laugh some more, then go over to help him. When I pull the shirt down I notice he's making a strange face. It looks like he's trying to act cool but holding back laughter.
"What?" I ask curiously.
"Hey Dustin, do you know what this shirt is made of?"
"Don't say it."
"Boyfriend material!" he smiles smugly.
I shove him again "I'm the one who makes cheesy pick-up lines! Not you!"
"Guess your going to have to step up your game."
"I'm going to go eat your breakfast now."
"No!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Fisher and I are walking to school, I go back into my indecisive state from before. If I'm going to tell Fisher when the trial is, I need to tell him soon. I just can't make up my mind.
The wind blows softly through my hair as we walk, and I decide I should tell Fisher. I open my mouth to say something, then close it. I'll tell him at lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we get to the school, I still feel eyes watching us, but not as many as yesterday. Fisher and I (mainly Fisher) had been asked a lot about the fight, and the answers we gave were all the same and seemed to disappoint people that there wasn't any gossip.
I did hear a rumor that Fisher had anger management problems or something, and that annoyed me beyond belief.
When we get to our lockers, the same girls from yesterday are there. I feel my blood boil as the same girl who tried to make a move on Fisher approaches him.
I clench the locker door as she starts talking to him. She's trying to be seductive, by the way she swayed her hips when she walked over, the stance she has taken, to the way she's bating her eyelashes. I want to slap her.
I look at Fisher, and feel my jealousy subside a little bit when I see that he just looks annoyed more than anything. I still hate this girl.
Fisher continues to talk to her in a hushed tone though, and it's so hard for me not to just grab his arm and drag him away while telling that stupid girl that "Me and my boyfriend need to go now."
I stop at that thought. Fisher's not my boyfriend, but I kind of want him to be. Would he even want to be mine though? Look at all the trouble I've caused him, and I'm getting possessive right now! He can talk to whoever he wants, it shouldn't matter to me...
Suddenly, I see the girl place her hand on Fisher's chest, and I've had enough. I grab Fisher's shirt and pull him back towards me, away from her roaming fingers.
"We've really got to get going now. Our class is on the other side of the school. See ya later." my voice is dripping with venom.
I then turn, and walk down the hall. I cross my fingers and hope that Fisher has followed me, and not stayed with that chick. Thankfully, he jogs up to my side.
"Thanks for saving me from that ordeal." Fisher says as we walk down the halls.
"Anything for you sweetie." I respond sarcastically.
He gives me a confused look, and I just roll my eyes. Instead of saying anything back to him, I just continue down the halls until we arrive at our class. We've actually still got five minutes.
"So what did you mean by ordeal?" I finally ask.
"Well..." Fisher rubs the back of his neck.
"Come on, you got to tell me now."
"I just didn't really know what to do."
"What?"
"I didn't want to talk with her, I mean, it was obvious that she was flirting with me, every girl flirts with me."
I cross my arms. Every girl does flirt with him, it's really annoying.
"Again, I didn't want to talk to her...but I didn't want to hurt her feelings or anything..."
"Honestly?"
"Yeah..."
Silence for a few seconds.
"You're such a loser."
"I am not!"
"Yes you are."
Fisher looked like he was about to say something, but then the bell rang, cutting him off.
I smile smugly and head inside the class.
"Why do you always have to get the last word!" I hear Fisher yell from the hall and I laugh.
I smirk at him when he sits next to me.
"It's because I'm awesome."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When it's finally lunch, Fisher and I head back in the cafeteria today. We sit at our table that's off to the side, and Fisher people watches.
He keeps nodding towards different people and telling me things he knows about them or making guesses. I'm silent for the most part.
I still haven't gotten the guts to ask Fisher if he can be at the trial with me. I want to, but I'm afraid that he won't want to. I know that he said he would be there for me, but there's that little voice in my head that says thing like : 'He was lying to make you feel better' or 'You're like that girl, he'll only come so your feelings won't be hurt.'
I sigh, maybe I should just tell him after school. Maybe I'll find the words then.
"Hey Dustin!"
I look up, searching for the person who called my name. There, I see Oort and Wasd making their way through the crowds towards us.
"Hey Oort."
At the name Oort, Fisher snaps his head to look at the two of them coming to us. I can see his eyes scan both of them as they sit down at the table, then his expression changes slightly. 'Is that jealousy?' I ask myself as I glance into his eyes.
"What are you two doing here? I thought you had that spot where you normally sit." I ask them as Oort pulls out a bag of chips.
"Nah, bunch of idiots were there." Oort tells me through a mouthful of chips "Don't know what they were doing, but we sure didn't want to be around them."
"So we decided to see if you were around." Wasd says and Fisher turns his head to look at him "If that's alright with you of course, we can go somewhere else..." he trails off.
"It's fine. You guys are my friends too." I respond, smiling.
Oort looks over at Fisher "You're the guy that got into the fight right?"
Fisher nods "Yeah."
"You okay?"
"Just a broken arm."
"Oh wow. We thought you were dead. No offense." Oort says the last part quickly and I giggle.
"None taken. I don't think we have been properly introduced though, I'm Fisher."
"Oort."
"What kind of name is that?" Fisher asks jokingly.
"Foreign."
Fisher and Oort continue to talk, and I look over at Wasd. He's smiling softly and keeps looking back and forth between Oort and Fisher. When Fisher looks over at him though I notice he shifts in his seat, and that a very light blush has made its way onto his cheeks. I remind myself that I shouldn't get jealous, Fisher is not my boyfriend and Wasd is my friend. I shouldn't punch him.
I decide to barge into the conversation, instead of brooding in silence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When school is finally done, Fisher and I walk home together like normal. Fisher chats away about what happened in school today, his opinions on Oort and Wasd (he made fun of Wasd's name too) and some random thoughts that he decided to say out loud. I stay quiet and let myself think.
When I get home, I wave goodbye to Fisher and go inside. My mum's there, and she tells me that supper will be ready soon. I decide to go to my room and text Fisher while doing my homework. 10/10 idea.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After supper is finished, I help clean up. I realise that I still haven't told Fisher about the trial, so after we've cleaned up everything, I excuse myself and tell my parents that I'm going for a walk.
I decide to go to my park. Technically, it's not my park, but nobody is ever there really except for me, so I call it mine.
I sit in the grass and look up at the sky. It's nice, barely any clouds litter the sky, but the sun hasn't set yet. I figure by the time it has, I'll have decided what I'm going to say to Fisher.
I lay back and let the soft grass surround me, brushing lightly against my skin due to the slight breeze.
Closing my eyes, I think about how I could bring up the topic of Tyler and the trial without breaking down into tears like every other time.
My mind races through different ways and the different possible results that each idea could make.
I don't know for how long I lay there, but with the warm sun, slight breeze, and cozy grass below me, I eventually drift off to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I find myself being shaken awake. I open my eyes and shove the hands off me, then squirm away from whoever is looking down at me.
My vision is blurry, and all I can think about is the nightmare I had just had. My head is pounding, and I can't hear anything other than the beat of my heart. Sweat is covering my body.
I see a blurry hand reach towards me and I bite at it, my arms and legs feeling to tired and sore to move.
The hand reaches out again and grabs my arm. I feel a second one grab my other arm and I begin to hyperventilate.
I'm pulled towards the blurry figure and I want to scream, but I stop myself.
'This isn't the nightmare anymore.' one part of my brain says 'This is! It's replaying again!' the other cries.
Then, I feel my bowed head touch the figures chest and two arms wrap around me. They rest their chin on my head, and I cling onto the smooth material that is their shirt.
I can hear a voice, soft but consistent. It sounds familiar, but I'm stilled too frightened to be able to decipher it.
Eventually, I can start to hear the voice clearer and begin pick up other less muffled noises besides the pounding of my heart.
I didn't notice it before, but I'm crying.
"...Fisher?..." I manage to croak out between the sobs.
"Yeah, it's me. It's me. Calm down, everything's okay." he says softly, moving his arm so he can pet my hair.
We sit there, me quietly sobbing into Fisher's shirt as he pets my hair and reassures me that 'Everything's okay'.
When I finally calm down, Fisher gives me a sad smile.
"You okay? When I first heard you I thought you were being murdered." he chuckles, but it's forced and dies rather quickly. I can see that he had been really scared, and somewhat still was.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you worried." I whimper and feel more tars sliding down my cheeks.
"Hey, hey no more crying." he wipes the tears away with his available hand "It's okay. You don't need to apologize."
I nod, then look around, remembering we're at the park "What are you doing here?"
"You didn't answer any of my texts, so I went down to your place and asked your parents. They didn't know where you were and were getting worried, so I offered to find you."
"Oh."
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, it was just a nightmare..."
"Seemed really bad. What was about? Do you want to talk about it?"
"Well..." I pause. Do I really want to tell him? Yes. "It was the night of the party. When Tyler...you know...but worse. And repeated over and over, and it felt so, so real!"
Fisher looks mortified. I had never told him in detail what happened that night, but I was pretty sure he could guess how bad it was.
"Why would you have such a bad nightmare about it though? I mean..."
I decide not to tell him that I've been having nightmares every night, and how they have been getting progressively worse each night. I decide now would be a good time to bring up the trial.
"I've been thinking about it a lot, because..."
He watches me with wide eyes, I can see so many emotions flowing through them.
"Because yesterday I received news that there is going to be a trial held in court against Tyler on Friday, at twelve thirty, and I'm so scared!" tears make their way down my face again "I don't know if I'll be able to go in there, to have to look at him again, to tell the judge and everybody else their what he did, to have to watch the video they found on his phone."
"Dustin..."
"I think I need you there Fisher...I've been thinking about it all day just to find the words to ask you. Please, I need you there."
Fisher wipes my eyes with the sleeve of his shirt, then presses his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes.
"Dustin, I told you that I would be there for you if you needed me. That I would do anything for you. Remember?"
I can't meet his gaze, but I nod, then open my mouth to speak.
"Hush, no talking." he says and I close my mouth "Do you need me to be by your side?"
I nod.
"Then I will be there. And I will stay there. I promise I'll do my best not to beat up Tyler in front of the judge."
I giggle once, then fall silent again. Fisher keeps trying to meet my gaze, but I can't look him in the eye. If I do I'll see Tyler.
"I will always be here for you, whenever you need me. I can't read your mind though, you have to be able to tell me when you need me. Can you promise that there will be no more secrets?"
I nod.
"Promise me."
"I promise that there will be no more secrets."
Fisher smiles, and stands.
"Thank you D. Come on, your parents are probably worried sick."
He turns to walk away and I follow, silently letting out the breath I had been holding.
He didn't see my fingers crossed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you're reading this, that means I have WiFi! Long chapter is finally done! 4,500+ words later. Written on a crappy laptop. That glitches every five minutes. In the blazing heat. While I'm completely bored. And Hungry. With no WiFi. Yep! I freaking LOVE this vacation so far! Next chapter is going to be a terrible filler though, so, sorry 'bout that.