9 – A Promise of a Fragile Heart
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'What if we fell in love at the wrong time?' - Anon
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It's because of the little things. What huge difference it makes between what is said than done. It melts the doubt away, overlooking yesterday's pain as if it didn't happen.
He cares.
I'm not naive to brush off that for most part, he hates me.
But, he cares.
And no matter how small it is, at least for me, it's enough.
...Is it?
"Justin." We broke our contact as Pattie called his attention. I saw her blue-green eyes asking in curiosity and worry. "What happened on that bruise?"
Oh no.
I was too engrossed at the fact that we're going to lie again about the pregnancy, I forgot a recent incident was added on our cart.
Maybe it wasn't me who perfected the art of twisting truths because Justin did not look even one bit intimidated or nervous.
"Jacques punched me."
Okay.
Okay?
I'm taking back what I just said.
"What?!" Erin had her eyes widened in surprise. "Jacques did what? W-why? When?"
"I punched him first." His tone bleak in concern.
"Is there something going on between the two of you?" Pattie demanded, wondering what could possibly be the reason behind the fight.
"He's just annoying."
"Justin!" Pattie warned. "I did not raise you to harm people just because you dislike them. I'm so disappointed right now."
Justin clenched his jaw and remained silent beside me. He did not speak as he listened on her mother's outbursts. I would've said something... defend him, make excuses. But I couldn't. I was never good with the truths. Because more likely than not, it always ends up being a disadvantage on my part.
"And was Andrea there?" Pattie asked. The exasperation clearly in her voice. When no one answered her, she heaved a sigh. "Justin you're going to be a father. I know this is all too sudden but please, have some sense of responsibility over your family. Andi's pregnant..." I flinched. "... don't let the baby hear inexplicit things or grow in a violent environment."
"I'm going to talk to Jacques." Erin added. "I'm disappointed in him as well... whatever the reason is. Violence is never the answer."
"You boys need to fix this. You're cousins. A family. Your father will not like this even one bit Justin Drew."
Pursing my lips, I decided to speak. "Its just a small misunderstanding Pattie. Words were thrown in heat. I'm sure they just need time to admit their own mistakes."
She exhaled. "I just don't like when you kids fight. You all grew up together. I hate seeing that bond break just because of a disagreement."
Huh. I mean who would've thought we're all gonna be wrapped up, by life, in a way someone likes somebody else? As we easily get access to things, been privileged enough to experience life in luxury... there has to have a curve somewhere. A balance that needed to remind we're all human beings who are flawed and imperfect and incomplete.
But on the other side, although one may lack financially, there is abundance in friendship or in family or in love. And vice versa.
In our case, its the latter part. And people will see it in different perspectives, depends on what shoe would fit the most.
The middle ground — we're all still going to a battlefield without certainty of winning or losing. Because that's how life is.
Barely, but, trying.
Pattie and Erin stayed for awhile. They pushed to tend Justin's bruise which he eluded himself into but since both women were too adamant, he didn't have any choice but to stay put. I was merely standing beside Pattie, watching her aid Justin.
"Have to check on Jacques next." Erin stated as soon as Pattie took a longer look at Justin's face.
"You need to cover it up with a mask or something. The media will see and then they'll ask. I absolutely forbid you to say you got into a fight."
Justin sighed. "I know how they work mom."
"Yet you've given them the chance to bring your name in the headlines again."
"I can handle it."
"Speaking of which, when is it going to end with Selena?"
If I wasn't rooted on my spot awhile ago, now I felt I was stoned there just to hear and wait what could possibly be Justin's thoughts about ending his relationship with the person he considers his.
"I mean its going on for months now. I think the business deal served its purpose already." Pattie continued. "You're married and you're going to be a father—"
"Mom." Justin's arctic tone cut Pattie off. "The day I signed the marriage certificate was the day you and dad promised to stay out of my music scene."
"Of course I remember that. But its different now."
"How is it different?" He countered back.
"Well you're going to start a family. Having Selena will complicate things sweetie. Its best if she's out of the picture before the baby—"
"I've always followed what you and dad wanted mom. This part of my life... my career, my music is something I choose to do. What I do with it has nothing to do with you."
I saw pain crossed Pattie's eyes.
"Justin." Erin said.
"I'm tired. I'm going to my room and rest." He wasn't always this hard and detached. I knew where he was coming from. "Thank you for the time Mom. Erin."
We watched as he sauntered his way upstairs. Not once did he stopped nor looked back. His posture rigid.
"I'm sorry Pattie." I whispered after few moments of silence. "He... a lot of... things just happened today."
Growing up, I had these glitz of memories from my mother when I was young that I treasured so much. I always had dad with me. And he never failed to show how much he loves me. But there are times when I would seek for a mother's warmth. The kind where just by looking at their eyes or just have their presence around you, there's that sentiment of knowing that though things may not look good as it is, it still would end up okay.
Seeing Pattie feigned hurt wounded me.
Ripples. These are all ripples of the pebble I've thrown.
"He's gonna be okay." I said with a small smile, pushing her and probably myself as well that he'll be fine, eventually. "He's gonna turn around and be Justin again."
She sighed. "Watch over him for me Andi?"
I nodded. "I will."
Not over an hour late when Pattie and Erin took off that I saw Justin coming down the stairs in his new pair of clothes with his car keys grasped on his hand.
We stared at one another, no exchange of words being said. But I knew.
I knew.
"Don't wait for me." He muttered once he walked pass my side. I blinked and bit my bottom lip.
How cold.
When I heard the door shut I took a deep breathe.
"Okay then."
Since we can't find happiness here maybe we'll search it somewhere else.
—-
If walls could talk, memories from when I was a baby until before I got married would be its tale to tell. There are the highs, the happy moments. Memories I would always be thankful for. And then there are the lows... the things I try to run away from. Believing that if I train my mind to forget, then its existence will cease to exist.
The grand foyer built with two concrete podium greeted me as the car halted into stop. Antonio, with his signature pose of prim and proper, opened the door for me as there were two maids falling in line behind his back.
"Good evening Miss Andrea." Although years may have passed, his decorum never lacked. His hair, may have greyed a little, was pulled in a slick and clean manner. Just like how I always remembered. "Its been awhile."
"Good evening Antonio." I replied as I glanced around and found two new, unfamiliar SUVs parked near the fountain. "I haven't told dad that I was coming. Is he busy?"
"Just for a little while more Miss Andrea."
"He's in his study room for some business?" I asked, handing him my coat as he gestured for me to take it off.
"Strictly forbidden to enter."
I raised my eyebrow. "Dad's not into illegal business right?"
"Sir Anthony serves his principles well Miss Andrea." And as loyal as he is, I couldn't help but to chuckle. He placed my coat on the rack.
"Alright. Alright. On to the kitchen then. I'm so hungry." I said, descending my way to one of my favorite places around the house since I was a little kid.
I felt my eyes widened when I saw freshly baked cinnamon rolls on top of the table. A flashback to when I was young, running around the house as I hid amongst the furnitures just because I love ganging up against Antonio and his set of friends (which consisted my set of tutors) recoiled. He got tired of my antics then that he racked his brain on how to get me out of my hiding place and what do you know... cinnamon rolls baked by Antonio became my weakness.
"Oh my god!" I squealed as I immediately got one and took a bite. "How did you know..."
Ah childhood memories.
"Not a day goes by that the plate has not been empty by your favorite snack Miss Andrea. Of course courteousy of your father. He said it feels like you are still here." He continued. "And in hopes, if you came and visit."
"Oh." I smiled at the thought.
Dad.
"It's been two years since you've been here. I trust everything is fine between the marriage you and Sir Justin shared."
Staring at his dark grey eyes, he was one of the few people who witnessed how Justin and I grew up. The times when I would get annoyed by Justin's presence and the times when I would sulk because I miss him. I wonder, does Antonio noticed it too? Did he see how much I liked Justin? Or did he see how Justin never liked me?
"Miss Andrea?"
I blinked a few times as I forced a smile. "Of course. Everything is fine." I then, took another bite of the cinnamon roll and glanced away. "Hmmm... this is so good Antonio. I missed this."
But Antonio had always been observant. Of course he would notice.
"You've grown into a fine young woman for the past three years Miss Andrea. Sir Justin is lucky to have you." He said in his tone filled with nothing but praise for me. He's always been like a family to us, Dad and I. An uncle I've hoped to have.
"Of course he is Antonio!" I stated with pride, trying to cover the pain that hides. "I'm one in a million."
"So its true that the daughter would only visit his father just because of the cinnamon rolls." My eyes gleamed in joy when I saw my father, walking his way towards me in his white long sleeved polo and black slacks by Armani.
"Dad!" He welcomed me in his arms with one of his warmest hugs.
"Hi kiddo."
"I'll excuse myself Miss Andrea, Sir Anthony. I'll prepare dinner." Antonio said from behind as I heard steps walking away from the kitchen.
"So what brought you here?" Dad asked as we both pulled away. "I don't have to pull strings because you killed someone right?"
I gasped. "Dad!"
He laughed. "I miss you kid."
"I miss you too dad. Can that be the reason why am I here?"
"Fine. Fine."
I then took a seat at the nearby counter. "So are you planning a new partnership with your colleagues?" I asked, referring to his business meeting awhile ago.
I watched as dad took a cinnamon roll and took a bite before he answered me. "I always have this every morning and still, I can't get enough. No wonder these are your favorites."
"I know right. Antonio makes the best cinnamon roll in the entire world!" I said with a huge smile.
Immediately, a grin plastered across Dad's face. "You just reminded me of the little girl I once knew."
I rolled my eyes. "Well its cinnamon rolls! I love cinnamon rolls! Well if its cinnamon rolls made by Antonio that is."
"I know kid." He said, his smile never leaving his face. Dad looked younger whenever he's happy. The fine lines ceased every time he's in a good mood. "So how are you? How's school?"
"School's fine. Hate a few subjects but my grades are good." I replied. "By the way dad, have you heard that Jacques is here? He's my classmate in some of my classes."
He nodded. "The boy still in love with you?"
My jaw dropped at my father's statement. "Dad! W-what are you... where did you even hear that?!"
He was laughing at my reaction. "I'm your father Andi. Of course I know. I'd always know."
"Urgh. He's not in love with me."
"He's a good kid."
"He is. I didn't say he isn't."
When I saw dad's brown eyes stared at my face for a long time, as if he was trying to find something he wanted to see, I looked away.
I heard him sigh.
"Dr. Mason called."
One of my few truths I was trying to run away from.
"Next week." I mumbled.
Whenever silence feeds the vacancy of words, I hated it. Because the stillness of sound creates this havoc inside of me that I could never breathe in. Its eating me slowly. The chains wanting to pull me back from the secrets I try to bury.
I heard dad's footsteps coming his way towards me. As I was about to look up at him, I felt his large hand on top of my head, gently tapping it like I was a little kid.
"You look just like your mom." He whispered, a small smile crossed his face.
"Dad."
"I promised her I'd do anything to protect you." He said, a little bit broken. And I hated it.
"I'm fine dad." I told him. "You don't have to worry. I'm happy, really."
"Why did you have to grow up so fast?" He asked, more to himself now. "Ever since your mother died, I told myself to do everything that'll make you happy. Anything that won't make you feel incomplete. As long as my little girl is smiling, I promised, I'd do anything." He paused. "I'm so sorry Princess. I couldn't do anything to protect your fragile heart."
"Dad." I wanted to protest but he shook his head. He didn't say anything more instead he locked me into a tight embrace, one that promised he wouldn't let anyone harm me.
And suddenly, I was pulled back to that moment... one of the darkest times of my life... that period when I thought how excruciatingly unfair life was... when I lost my mother.
Surely, no matter how one person be abundant financially, one still lacked in some areas, and there's nothing more painful than wishing I could exchange the money in hopes to see my mom... to see our family never missing a piece. Just one last time.
Life could be so unjust sometimes. How could it rob so much from a person who had only but a few moments of spare happiness?
"Andrea promise me."
"Yeah dad?"
"Choose whatever makes you happy but not the happiness that makes you beg for it. Okay?"
I didn't want to lie again so I chose the silence. And let it speak for me.
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End notes: I took a chapter away, shortened and added things along the run. The reason why I'm only updating now. Have to weigh in the scenes just to not omit what are needed for the plot. Whew. Okay then on to the next.