SORRY EVERYONE I WAS ON HOLIDAY FOR 2 WEEKS SO I COULDN'T UPDATE! BUT I HOPE TO FINISH THIS BOOK SOON...
since i feel like its getting boring lmao :)
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How could I possibly choose? Jack needed me, I couldn't let him drift back into his dark place. He didn't belong there anymore, he didn't deserve it.
The decision is basically impossible...
"Earth to Ellie! What's your decision?" Maddie asked. I blinked out of my daydream, still undecided. "Is it okay if I think about it?" I stuttered, clearing my throat. Maddie looked at me with a puzzled look, her eyebrows scrunched up. "Uh...sure" Maddie said like it would be a no-brainer for me. Which it really wasn't.
They both sauntered off to the long tables stacked with food. I rubbed my neck, standing up, dusting the dirt off my dress. Across the road Jack was looking at the scene. Was he there the whole time?
Jack was in a new-looking black suit, his hands were in his pockets. He stood there dazed. His dark hair was ruffled, he looked paler than normal. He noticed me staring and chuckled.
I hopped over the wall, approaching him. "Hey" I said. "Hi" Jack replied blankly. Something had changed since he went back to habits of his past. "Were you here the whole time?" I asked, biting my lip nervously. He nodded. Still watching everyone across the road. I placed my hand on his wrist, hoping he would give me more response. "How come you didn't show?"
His lips parted, as he thought of a reply, still not looking directly at me.
"I can't face them all. Everyone looking at me like that. I am partly responsible for his death-" He looked at me now. "How am I meant to come back from something that?" . The worry in his voice hit me, a lump in my throat grew, tears bled out of my eyes.
Crybaby.
I wiped my tears. "You just have to" I said. He frowned. "Because if you hide away, the fear and anxiety will win, it will have control over you. Pushing you down until there is nothing left. Apart from gnawing pain and guilt, and it will eat away at you until your all gone" I said, the odd tear trickling down my cheek.
He looked away from me again.
"What if that's what I want?" He asked
Did he really just say that? He wants to die? I need to help him... Jack is getting sucked back in again. If he lets it happen, he will be back at square one.
"No you don't" I said. Surprisingly I didn't falter in my words. I sounded so sure, but deep down...I really didn't know.
"How are you so sure?"
"Because Jack, you have been there once. You overcame it. I know you can do it again. You just have to let people in, I can help"
I took his hand, intertwined our fingers. He twitched a little. He looked like me like he was about to object but then pushed it off, and gripped my hand tightly.
How can I leave Jack? He needs me. Otherwise, well I don't want to think about the otherwise.
"We can do this Jack" I said, relaxing a bit. Letting my shoulders fall.
He loosened his grip.
"Huh?"
"Me and you. We can sort this together. You are going to get better Jack, it takes time" I squeezed his hand.
"Right" he finished. "Together".
I finally sensed some hope. Jack is going to recover.
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I arrived home to an empty house. Making myself a cup of tea, I went out to the balcony to try and make a decision.
Thoughts from both sides of the dilemma came at me.
Jack needs you, to recover
Your friends have always been there for you
Maybe I could live without Maddie and Jas?
What if Jack didn't ever recover? Would sticking around be pointless?
What if I never got friends like the girls again?
My brain started to hurt, as all these thoughts and questions were tossed at me. Expecting an immediate answer.
The more I thought about it, the further away I was to deciding.
I went back inside, still unsure. I took a shower and crawled into bed. Drained from the day I had. When I got into bed, only more questions popped like popcorn.
Then I remembered, so much had happened today, I forgot what actually happened. I went to Zak's funeral. The closure of his death. The confirmation of him being gone forever, never coming back, never surfing with me again, never serving me another smoothie. I am going to miss him, a lot.
I wanted to speak to Jack. Right now. It was 01:44, would it be too late to call him? I risked it anyway, and dialled his number. Waiting to hear his low voice, so powerful, and it made me feel some kind of way.
As the ringer beeped, waiting for him to pick up, I got nervous. What am I going to say? Why am I even calling him? My palms got sweaty, my phone almost slipping out my hand. I clutched it, and then finally the voice I was hoping for came through.
"Hello?" grunted a sleepy voice.
I giggled at how tired and probably moody he was. He must of been asleep. Unlike me.
"Ellie?" I heard his smile through the phone.
"How did you know?" I whispered.
He was silent, I tensed up as I waited for him to say something. "That laugh, so unique, only you" he murmured. I smiled to myself, feeling like an idiot.
"What is it that you need?" He murmured.
"Nothing in particular, I just wanted to hear your voice"
He laughed a little. I felt sick as I thought of what I wanted to say.
"Jack?"
"Mhm" he sounded like he was about to doze off.
"If you had to choose...-" I heard him shift about, now he had woken up. "Between a friend and someone you really cared about, possibly loved. Who would you choose?" I asked.
"Are we talking hypothetically?"
No I thought. "Yes" I lied.
"Well it depends...how much you value that friendship with that other person-" Jack cleared his throat. "Think about everything, compare the two. Who makes you happier? Who makes you a better person? Who has stuck by you the most? Who would you rather have there for you...to cry with, to laugh with, to make lifelong memories with-"
I had been crying, tear stains were on my pillow. I sniffled, reaching over for a tissue. "Ellie? Are you okay? You know it's just a hypothetical right?" He said. "Yes I'm fine, just got a runny nose and yes I am definitely aware of that".
I think I had made my decision. But there was still unanswered questions floating around in my head.
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I choose the girls, and I lose Jack completely...like he physically isn't there?
I pinched myself for thinking about that. No way am I going to let that happen.
I heard soft breathing through the phone, I think Jack was asleep or about to fall into a deep one. My mind swimming through numerous worlds. I wasn't really hearing the words come out my mouth until they were out.
"Jack?" I whispered.
He didn't say anything but make some kind of noise.
"I love you" I said absentmindedly.
He must be sleeping?Right?
"I love you too"
I swallowed hard, soft snoring came from Jack. I laughed and hung up. I slept peacefully knowing that I had finally made my mind up.