3 months after
Jade
I was awakened by the sound of my alarm.
My eyes are still very heavy but I had to force myself to open them and stand up, walk to the bathroom and turn this stupid clock off.
I put it at the bathroom every night so that come morning, I'm forced to stand up otherwise I'll just push the snooze button and doze off again.
I struggled to pull myself away from the messy bed and sleepily walk towards the bathroom while picking up the documents scattered on the floor.
I smiled knowing that I fell asleep reviewing these documents which is far better than crying myself to sleep, again.
----
The past few weeks had been a struggle.
Althea had been gone for 3 months now and I still miss her everyday. She's halfway through her photography course in canada and will be back after another 3 months.
Don't ask me how I know this. Did you really think I'll let her go just like that? :)
It's sick, I know. but I can't help it.
She's an addiction.
With Sally's reluctant help, I tried to virtually stalk her.
I even hired an investigator at some point when Althea could not be found one weekend.
As it turns out, she spent it with a beautiful blonde locked in a cheap motel room.
I kept a poker face when sally broke the news to me. She asked if I still want to continue with the stalking. I said Yes; but quit the top dollar investigators.
I'm crazy but not stupid.
----
I turned off the alarm when I got to the bathroom when something on my virtual alarm clock caught my attention.
It's October 3 today; my birthday.
I continued with my usual robotic routine.
I say my prayers in the shower.
Thanking Him for another day and mostly asking Him to keep Althea always safe and healthy.
I dressed up quickly, grabbed my morning caffeine fix and went to the office.
----
I anticipated a surpirse from the work place which they did.
I know.
They've been doing this for everyone every year.
But ofcourse I acted surprised, just the same. hahaha.
There were cakes, balloons and party hats.
I couldn't help but feel sad though.
This is the first birthday without her.
Everyone helped themselves with the cake, some had gifts and after a while they're all back at their work stations.
There's a lot of things to be done and a surprise party, regardless of who it was for, can only be accomodated for a while. 30 minutes tops.
I went straight to my office with David and Sally in tow whose helping with the gifts.
"Thanks guys, I really appreciate it." I told them as I settled myself to my chair and started switching on my computer to see my e-mails for the day.
Did I say that I'm living a routine robotic life?
Not even my own birthday can change that.
When Althea left, I had everything under my control.
She was the only person who can play with my emotions with a snap of a finger.
(A/N: if you know what I mean. haha.)
But she's gone now, So my days are planned and schedules are on point.
no more emergency leaves because she has decided to go on a roadtrip to quezon or fly to boracay for the weekend or to God knows where.
I lost spontaneity.
I miss her.
For the past 3 months, at 830 in the morning of every weekday, I sit on the same chair and switch the same computer to check the same e-mails.
No more ramdom text messages like:
"see you at lunch love, sundo kita dyan. wag kang hihindi. mahal kita."
or waking up suddenly at the middle of the night with hands caressing my bossom and feather kisses on my neck.
"dyos ko althea, alas tres ng umaga! yung totoo?!"
"sige na love, pagbigyan mo na ko. gawa tayong baby."
or surprise calls like
"love, nakalimutan ko sabihin ngayon pala dating nila daddy. sundo natin sa airport tapos diretso daw tayo sa batangas."
"ano? ba't ngayon mo lang sinabi, love? ang dami kong trabaho di ko to pwedeng iwan basta. kailan mo pa yan alam?"
"eehh.. last week?... nakalimutan ko nga sabihin.. mag absent ka na lang bukas. malapit na ko, 3 blocks na lang. baba ka na para di na ko mag park."
I miss the randomness.
It's crazy.
I'm crazy.
I miss her. terribly.
---
I was waiting for my computer system to load when I noticed David is still standing in front of me.
"Hey, thanks ha" I said as I looked up to meet his gaze.
"Any plans for tonight, birthday girl?"
"haha. wala naman. I might go to my mother's"
"Well, good then, Can I take you out for dinner and then hatid kita... you know it's been a while since..."
I did not hear the rest of his words. My mind was focused on that single e-mail that caught my attention and made my heart stop.
1 UNREAD EMAIL FROM: ALTHEA GUEVARRA
SUBJECT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JADE! <3
ATTACHMENT: 1 VIDEO.
I can't breathe.
There's a sudden lump in throat.
"Jade?" David waking me up from my trance.
"Uhm David, aa... ano e... I have to do something. uhm ano... can I talk to you later?"
"what's that? are you ok?" as he tries to view my monitor to see what it was.
"No!" as I tried to hide it from his eyes.
"I mean yes, I'm ok. just please close the door behind you." I quickly said to him. annoyance in my voice.
"Ow... ok." as he turns his back to me and reached for the door.
I stood up and walked towards the door and locked it.
I took my time and slowly sat back to my pc.
here you go.
I opened the email and click on the play buttom.
--------------
ALTHEA
Birthday na ni Love ngayon dito sa canada. Ahead kami dito ng 12 hours.
Naalala ko pa nung mga dati nyang birthdays lagi kaming magkasama.
Araw-araw ko pa rin sya iniisip. oras oras pa nga.
hindi pa rin nawawala yung pagmamahal ko sa kanya. yung sakit na malaman kong hindi nya na ko mahal.
tagal na pero ganon pa rin. parang kahapon lang.
hindi naman yata totoo yang healing healing na yan. leche! ang sakit pa rin e.
pilit kong ginagawang busy ang sarili ko sa mga lectures at practicals namin dito.
minsan may mga chix pero hanggang hook up lang ako.
ayoko ng magkaroon ng seryosong relasyon.
at isa pa sa isip at puso ko si jade pa rin ang asawa ko. kahit di ko sya napakasalan.
hay...
bobo lang talaga, thea.
lagi kong tinitignan mga pictures namin.
nung masaya pa kami.
nung mahal pa nya ko.
gusto ko syang batiin kaso baka ma badtrip e.
pero ano naman?
hayaan mo sya ma badtrip. sya nga na fall out of love sakin e.
iisipin ko pa ba kung mababadtrip sya pag nakita nya ang pagmumukha ko.
kinuha ko ang gitara ko at humarap sa laptop para gumawa ng video message kay love.
i hit the record button.
"hi love!" mataas kong bati sabay piyok.
shit.
i hit the pause button.
tangina.
bakit ang sakit banggitin ng "love"?
parang may kumirot sa puso ko at di ko nanaman napigilang mapa iyak.
ngayon ko na lang ulit binigkas ng malakas.
parang may ibang lasa sa bibig ko.
hay..
ok, game na ulit.
record.
pause.
erase.
record ulit.
erase again.
record.
hay guevarra. as if naman she cares.
-------
JADE
i clicked on the play button at nakita ko agad sya sitting, hugging her guitar.
"oh my god! ang payat mo, love. have you been eating?" i coudn't help myself from saying this. good thing that i have decided to lock the door before watching this.
it's her.
the face.
her shoulders.
her hair.
her arms.
she still looks really good but sadness is evident in her eyes.
oh my althea!
i have unconsciously reached for the monitor.
as if the touch of my hands could reach her.
oh my love!
it pains me to see you like this.
my heart is in despair.
her eyes. it's lonely.
"hi love!"
"happy birthday!"
"sana happy ka ngayong araw na'to"
what happened to you, love? i can feel fresh tears in my face.
"I always think about you."
"Well, I don't know what to say."
"uhmm.."
I can see her tears flowing. and it's killing me to see her like this.
"mahal na mahal kita love. kahit anong mangyari, hindi ko mababago yun. kahit gustuhin ko"
"at kahit na alam kong"
"ikaw, hindi na."
she looked straight into the camera while saying this. she smiled slightly but her eyes are hurting.
"this is for you" as she started strumming her guitar.
Don't Love You No More (I'm Sorry)
by Craig david
For all the years that I've known you baby
I can't figure out the reason why lately you've been acting so cold
(didn't you say)
If there's a problem we should work it out
So why you giving me the cold shoulder now
Like you don't even wanna talk to me girl
(tell me)
OK I know I was late again
I made you mad and dinners thrown in (the bin)
But why are you making this thing drag on so long
(I wanna know)
I'm sick and tired of this silly game
(silly games)
Don't think that I'm the only one here to blame
It's not me here who's been going round slamming doors
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.
I can feel my chest starting to get heavy.
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more
sweet baby Jesus!
Althea.
Love.
I know that I made a few mistakes
But never thought that things would turn out this way
Cause I'm missing something now that your gone
(I see it all so clearly)
Me at the door with you in a state
(in a state)
Giving my reasons but as you look away
I can see a tear roll down your face
That's when you turned and said to me
I don't care babe who's right or wrong
I just don't love you no more.
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more
Those simple words hit so hard
They turned my whole world upside down
Girl, you caught me completely off guard
On that night you said to me
I just don't love you no more
Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more
"Happy Birthday, love"
"Ikaw pa rin."
"Ikaw lang."
I couldn't breathe anymore. I broke down like a little girl as I rested my head on the swivel chair.
No matter how painful it has been, I have never doubted my decision.
We were pulling each other down.
I never felt an ounce of regret.
Not until now.
I'm sorry love.
tbc