There's really no way to describe how it feels.
No way to describe the pain.
No way to describe the sadness.
No way to describe the emptiness.
No way to describe how it really and truly never gets easier.
With Niall, it was like my soul had died.
With Louis, it was as if all of me had died.
I was a zombie. An empty, lifeless, shell, feeding off of despair. I spent most of my time crying, and when I wasn't crying, I was trying not to. I wasn't even quite sure how much time had passed, all the days seemed to merge into one, endless, living hell.
They were together now, Eleanor and Louis. I didn't speak to either of them, but I saw them. I saw them everywhere. Holding hands, sharing kisses, living the life I had once been so sure would be mine. They were in their own separate world, away from the rest of us, but that didn't seem to bother anyone. From the outside looking in, it would seem as if I finally had the perfect life. I had the popular kids on my side, Eleanor was finally leaving me alone, and I had Niall Horan, the boy of everyone's dreams, following me around begging me to give him a chance.
But my life wasn't perfect. It wasn't perfect at all.
It was Saturday, and everyone had decided to go on one last trip to the beach before winter hit full force and it got too cold. I was at Ash and Tori's apartment, where I now spent most of my time, absentmindedly flipping through my worn copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. The pages were ripped and yellowed, the binding was practically falling apart at the seams, but I didn't have it in me to throw it away. It reminded me too much of something.
"Stella." Said a soft voice, dragging me from my thoughts. "I made you a hot chocolate."
Tori, who was dressed beautifully in a grey fur trimmed peacoat and leather leggings, was standing in front of me, holding out a mug full of steaming hot chocolate. I didn't want any, in fact the beverage looked downright offensive, but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Everyday for weeks Tori and Ash had been going out of their way to try and cheer me up, bringing me macarons from Ladurèe, a brand new wool Burberry winter coat, a Louis Vuitton sketchpad. But they could buy me Hermes Birkins in every color of the rainbow and it still wouldn't fill the hole Louis had left inside me.
Everything made me think about him. The blue of his eyes, that cheeky smile, as if he has a secret he was taunting all of us with. I was grasping at strings to hold onto what little I had left of the midnight memories we had made, intimate moments I would never be able to replicate with anyone else. I had let him see me at my most vulnerable, stripped down to my rawest form, and he had betrayed me, leaving me feeling naked somehow, as if the parts of me I had shown him were somehow now visible to the entire world.
I often found myself wondering how it was so easy for him. Easy for him to stare straight at me and act as if I wasn't even there. Easy for him to parade his relationship with Eleanor around in front of me as if we hadn't even happened. How easy it was for him to look like an angel when he was the devil inside. Shrouded by the darkness of night, it's easy to think you're seeing a dream come true when in the light of day, it's nothing but a nightmare.
Yes, what a funny thing it is how i'm nothing to my everything.
"Thank you." I said dryly, taking the steaming hot mug from her small hands. I stared down at it, unsure of whether or not taking a sip would make her stop hovering and go away.
Much to my disappointment, she sat down next to me, and I cringed, bracing myself for another one of her "talks". Both she and Asher had been having a lot of those with me lately, as if mending a broken heart was as simple as telling it to seal itself back together. Usually I just tuned them out, but honestly it was starting to get on my nerves. I didn't want to move on, I wanted to grieve. I wanted to stop being surrounded by people who made me feel more alone then ever. I wanted my weekends to stop being a hazy alcohol fueled blur that usually ended up with me sobbing alone in someone's bedroom. But most of all I was tired, so very, very tired of trying when everything I did ended in failure.
"Stella, why didn't you go to the beach with your friends today?" Tori asked softly, averting her hazel eyes from mine.
"I don't feel well." I said blandly, not even bothering to come up with a better excuse.
"Is it because Louis went?" She asked, and as usual, my heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name.
"No." I mumbled. It was because Niall was, and that was even worse. I had become numb to Louis, but Niall, he had been my best friend, and he had fucked me over. That was unforgivable. I barely spoke to him, although lately he had been looking even more worse for wear than me. While Louis had gotten a new haircut, a new tattoo, and looked better than ever, Niall always looked as if he needed a hot meal and a good night's sleep. Sometimes I would catch him looking at me, even though I knew he was trying his hardest to make it look from the outside as if he was having the time of his life.
"Well maybe you'd like to come to the mall with me? Or an early dinner?" Tori tried, but I wasn't having it.
"I think i'll just stay in. Thanks again for the hot chocolate." Was my blunt, guiltless reply.
"Alright." Tori said, pushing herself up off the couch. "Let me know if you change your mind."
She gave me a sad look as she exited the living room, but it didn't even register with me. I knew that she was just trying to help, but I didn't want anyone's pity. I had enough of that for myself.
I forced down the hot chocolate, just to appease her, and tried to return my focus back to my book, but when I found myself reading the same sentence for the eleventh time, I knew it was no use. I put in my bookmark and closed it shut, placing it on the coffee table, and stood up to stretch. Maybe I would go for a walk, all alone, just to clear my mind a little bit. I pulled on my trench coat, which I had haphazardly dropped on the floor when I had gotten here, and laced up my boots. It was about five o clock in the evening, so the boardwalk would have emptied out considerably by now. I plugged in my earbuds and shoved my phone into the pocket of my coat before grabbing my keys and walking out the door.
It was a balmy evening outside, not too hot and not too cold. The beach was emptier than I had expected, only a few stragglers left enjoying the last moments of a prolonged summer. I watched as the waves gently kissed the shore, trying not to remember how Niall and I had sat here not to long ago, his arms wrapped around mind as he promised me the entire world. More empty words that I had tried desperately, with no avail, to give life too.
A part of me, and I hated to admit it, missed him. I should have guessed that him coming back into my life would be short lived, but I wished selfishly maybe the timing had been different, that it hadn't been so easy for me to want to make the mistake with him that I had. It was crazy to me how that boy could put me through years of pain and only took a few measly seconds for me to forgive him completely, to fall back into his arms as if I had never left them. Even now, I knew that I would probably forgive him eventually, but I wouldn't allow myself to get attached to him, not when the threat of goodbye was constantly looming in the background.
"Fancy seeing you here." Came a voice from behind me, taking my by surprise. I pulled out my earbuds and turned around, my breath hitching in my throat as I did so.
"Hey." I said softly, using the same dismissive tone of voice I had adopted with him after everything had come to blows. Of course he would be here now, this is what he did, coming back just when I started to need him again. "Where's everyone else?" I asked, even though I didn't really care.
"They went to get dinner at Chipotle. But I wanted to watch the sunset, so I stayed behind. I haven't really been up for socializing lately." Niall shrugged, blinking in the rapidly dissapearing sunlight. He had dark bags under his eyes, as if he hadn't slept in weeks.
"When was the last time you had a good night's sleep?" I asked him, somewhat worried. Just because we hadn't had much to do with one another lately didn't mean that I wasn't worried about his health.
He chuckled darkly. "Weeks. I've been having problems falling asleep. Too busy thinking."
"About what?" A dangerous question.
"About you." He replied without hesitation.
"Niall..." I began, but I quickly realized I didn't have anything to say.
"When are you going to forgive me? Come on Stel, we both know you can't possibly still be mad at me."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily. "What, do you think i'm just going to come crawling back to you again? Niall, i've given you more chances than anyone should ever deserve."
"That's what forever means, Stella. It means making mistakes, and getting mad, and hating each other, but it also means forgiveness. Love like this, you don't just give up on it. Because once you let it go, it's not coming back, and you're going to spend the rest of your life regretting that you didn't give me one last chance."
"Niall..." I began again, giving his words a chance to soak in. "I already watched the love of my life walk away from me. Everything you just said, that's what i'm going through right now."
"You don't love him like you love me. I know it Stella, don't try to bullshit me. Don't you dare stand there and try to tell me that you don't like awake at night and think about me more than you think about him." He said angrily, obviously frustrated that he wasn't getting through to me.
"Niall, of course I love you, why else would I stand here talking to you after everything you've put me through? But I can't trust you, and without trust, there is no love."
"Everything I did, I did to protect you. Do you honestly think that Louis ever had your best interests at heart? Look, I know i've made mistakes, mistakes I could never even begin to ask you to forgive me for. But I just don't think that I can live without you."
He reached into the vneck of his black tshirt and pulled something out. It was the key to the Cartier Love Bracelet, glimmering in the dusky evening light. "You have the key to my heart. Without you, it will stay locked away forever. But with you, i'll leave it open, and no matter how long it stays empty i'll wait until you're ready to fill it again. Stella Grace Parker, until the day I die, you'll be my sun, my moon-"
"And all my stars." I finished for him. "But Niall, if we do this, you can't supernova. No more burning out when all I need is your light to guide me home."
His hand slipped into mine, gripping it tightly, as if he was afraid i'd disappear if he let go. "You won't need a light to guide you home. I'll be your home. I'll keep you safe, i'll protect you, I am always going to be here. My place on earth is right next to you. To make sure you live with no other thought than to love and be loved by me."
"Okay then." I whispered, not exactly quite sure what was happening. "It's you and I against the world now."
"It always has been." He said, pulling me into him. I took a deep breath, breathing in the scent that I had always associated with happiness and comfort and familiarity. Louis was gone. He had made it clear that him and I, whatever we had been, was nothing but one of those midnight memories I was clinging too. Niall was here, he was now, and tomorrow, and the day after that. I needed to heal, and he was a band aid, while waiting for Louis to come back was like ripping open a wound that would never really scab over. All I wanted was for the last few months to finally come to an end, to move on with my life, and maybe, just maybe, try to find some sort of happiness.
"Why don't you come over to my place? It's getting late, i'll make you something to eat if you're hungry." He said, softly stroking my hair.
I nodded into his chest. "Okay."
Hand in hand, we walked down the boardwalk and towards the parking lot, holding onto each other's hands as if they were our life lines. I suppose in a way, Niall was my life line. Every time I felt as if I was drowning, he pulled me out of the murky depths, breathing new life into me.
"Am I allowed to kiss you?" He asked, pulling open the door to the passenger's side for me.
"You've never asked before." I blurted, surprised.
Niall shrugged. "That was then. This is now, a new beginning."
"Yes, you may." I said tentatively, a bit scared. I didn't know why, we'd kissed and done more than kissed more times than I could count, but like he had said, this was our new beginning.
He leaned down, softly pressing his lips to mine. It wasn't aggressive, or passionate. It was soft, and warm. It was coming home.
We drove back to Star Island, one of Niall's hands on the steering wheel, the other in mine. We didn't say a word to one another, but I was relieved at the silence, it spoke for itself. We no longer needed words, having each other was enough for me.
Together we attempted to cook dinner, boxed mac and cheese, nothing fancy, then settled on the couch to watch TV. He put on the Walking Dead, but I didn't complain, compromise was a virtue I needed to learn. I spooned into him, our fingers loosely intertwined, put at ease by the steady rising and falling of his chest. It was fourteen year old Stella's dream come true, all I had ever wanted given to me at last. But the normalcy of it was eerily unfamiliar, and it made me uncomfortable, the fact that something could go wrong at any second.
I looked at my watch, checking the time. It was just after midnight, and from the looseness of Niall's grip on me, it was obvious that he was falling asleep. "Hey." I nudged him. "Let's get you to bed."
"Nooo." He mumbled. "Don't leave me."
"I'm not going anywhere." I assured him. "We can go upstairs and i'll stay with you until you fall asleep."
"Stay the night." He pleaded, a heartbreaking urgency in his tone.
"Oh Niall." I said softly. "Like I just said, even if i'm not with you, that doesn't mean that i've left you."
"Prove it to me. Put on the bracelet." He said, sitting up.
I hesitated for a second, weighing my options. Once I put on the bracelet, that was it, I was his. But... wasn't that what I wanted? "Okay." I said finally.
The smile on his face was so earnest, so genuine, it almost made me hate myself a little for even questioning that this was the right decision. "Alright, i'll go get it." He said excitedly, pushing himself off the couch and bounding up the stairs. I hugged a pillow to my chest, unexplainable tears filling my eyes. Of happiness? Of sadness? I wasn't sure. This was all happening so fast, it was like a dream.
Next to me, Niall's iPhone started ringing, the caller ID on the screen reading "Liam Payne". I slid open the green answer button, picking up the black rectangle.
"Hello?" Came a panicked sounding voice from the other end. "Mate, you have no idea how happy I am you answered."
"Liam, it's Stella. Is everything okay?" I asked, worried.
"Stella?" Liam sounded confused. "How come you're answering Niall's phone?"
"That's a story for another time." I deflected. "What's going on?"
"I, um, I can't tell you. Is Niall there?"
"Liam, tell me what's wrong right now. Is someone hurt?"
Liam sighed. "Stella, you'll find out soon, enough, but right now I really need you to put Niall on the-"
"Liam James Payne, you tell me what's wrong right now!" I interjected, beginning to freak out.
"Okay, but you have to promise to stay calm." He said cautiously.
"Pinky swear. Now spill."
There was about ten seconds silence on his end before he finally spoke. "Louis' been arrested."
"What?" I yelled, not believing what I was hearing. "How? Why? What?"
"He was arrested about two hours ago for public intoxication, narcotics possesion, and, well, they've taken him into custody as a suspect of the murder of Diego Rivera."
I felt as if I was going to projectile vomit. "No, no, this can't be true. Who's they? The police? The Feds?"
"Your father." Liam said softly. "Your father ordered the warrant for him to be taken into custody."
"Oh my god." I whispered. "Where are they keeping him? I'm leaving right now."
"No! Stella, you can't get involved in this, the press- god the media is all over this. Turn on the news."
I grabbed the remote and changed it to to the local news channel. Sure enough, the reporter was standing in front of the DA's office, the banner on the bottom of the screen reading "Teenager taken into Custody as Suspect in Rivera Murder Case".
"Stella, what's happening?" Niall had just returned, clutching the Cartier box in his hand.
"It's Louis." I said, still in a state of shock. "He's been arrested. For the murder of Diego Rivera."
A look of shock crossed Niall's face. "You're kidding."
I held the phone out toward him. "It's Liam. He just told me the news."
Niall grabbed the phone out of my hand and dissapeared, leaving me to stare at the TV in a dumbfounded silence. The camera had just panned to the entrance to the DA's office, where my dad had just walked out into a sea of photographers and press. Over the scene of chaos, the reporter's voiceover was giving the public an unsatisfying amount of information.
"Although we can not give out the name of the suspect at this time, a sufficient amount of evidence against him means that a trial may be occuring in the not to distant future."
"Stella, get your coat. We're going downtown." Niall returned, hanging up the phone. "It's an absolute shit show, Liam's besides himself, no one knows what the fuck is going on."
"I have to talk to my father. Ryder Hartley, he did this. He's framed the whole thing on Louis. After he promised me he wouldn't do anything to hurt him." I said, more to myself than to Niall, absolutely nauseated.
"Of course Hartley did this, we were all stupid for thinking we could trust that little shit. He fucked all of us over, but for Louis, this is serious. He could go to jail for the rest of his life." Niall whispered.
"No." I said definisively. "No, i'm not going to let that happen."
"He's asking for you. Louis. Liam said he was freaking out so much they almost charged him with assualt. He said the only way he would calm down is if you came to talk to him."
It felt as if my heart had backflipped. "Louis isn't my responsibility anymore. I don't want him to go to jail, obviously, but if he's stupid enough to go and get himself charged with assault..."
"Stella." Niall interrupted, sitting down next to me and opening the Cartier box. "This is bigger than our stupid drama. This is life or death."
Reaching into his shirt, he pulled out the key and began screwing open the bracelet. It snapped open, and he put it on my left wrist before fastening it back up again. The metal felt cool and heavy on my skin, but instead of feeling joyous at the thousands of dollars worth of rose gold now residing on my arm, all I could think of was handcuffs.
"Hey, it's going to be okay." Niall said, gently tilting my face towards his with his thumb. "I promised you that, right?"
I nodded, but on the inside, all I felt was dread.
Dread at yet another promise that was most likely going to be left unfufilled.