Hello again. Nothing to say except we are reaching the end of the story. *slowly wipes away tears*. i don't really know how to feel about it but, I believe it is for the better. Anyway, enjoy :)
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3rd person P.O.V
May 2,
I was raped. There, I said it.....well wrote it. It's been a week. A whole week since my world came crashing down and I would do anything to take it back. I can cry, beg, and plead but nothing will ever fix me. I can't fix myself. I can't change what that man did to me. I can't change how I feel. I can't change how I felt. I just want to be numb. I want to close my eyes and float away to a place where I feel sane. Can someone help me forget? I'm too scared to ask for help. I just want someone to notice that I am not okay.
How do I even begin? How do I explain how I feel? Where do I start ? I never told him to touch me. i never asked to be violated. i never asked to be raped.
They say that bad things happen to good people, but I never considered myself a good enough for something bad to happen to me.
It happened last Thursday night. My head had been hurting from previous signing that had just ended, and I decided to get a little fresh air. It was a chilly night for being May, and I was wearing skinny jeans and vans. I had on a navy Hollister sweatshirt which the cold seemed to seep through. I remember everything from that night. I remember every voice, every touch, every scream. I remember how I felt.
I remember that man's touch. From the start I had had a pit in the bottom of my stomach growing with every step. I had known he was bad news from the start.
So, there I was, walking down town, taking deep breathes and thinking about the next day. My first mistake had been forgetting my phone. It was still in my hotel room, plugged into the wall, charging.
I hadn't really thought that I would need it, and I just wanted to be away from the world. I didn't want any one interrupting my alone time to try and call me. I had just wanted to be alone.
I had probably been out for about half an hour and I remember how cold I had been. My fingers felt numb, and I was beginning my journey back to the hotel, which was probably a good mile away, when he came up to me.
This man was strange. To begin with, he smelled like smoke, and I was already taken a back by his scent. Second, he wore almost all black except for the grey T- shirt that was peaking through his black zipped up zacket. The third thing that I noticed was the pen and paper he held in his hand, and how when he smiled, I could see he was missing three of his bottom teeth. He didn't look that old, though- no older than 40. I considered that the smoking could have added a few years to his looks, though.
His voice had been hoarse, almost rough, and when I first heard it, my instinct was to run. Now that I think of it, I should have ran. I should have ran as fast as I could away from that man, but I didn't.
He said to me "Are you Harry, Harry from One Direction?"
I remember how I had paused in my thoughts, trying to decide if I could tell a lie or if he would know that it had been me. I decided that my cover was already blown so I replied with a simple "yes".
The man smiled, showing off his crocked teeth, and then said to me, "You you mind if I could get your auto-graph. And maybe a picture too. It is for my daughter. She is six and completely adores you".
At the sound of his little six year old daughter I agreed, signing the paper and addressing it to his daughter Ellie, saying how I wished I could have met her, and standing while he got out his flip-phone which I could hardly believe even existed. I remember patiently waiting as he fumbled around, and I just stood there as my fingers grew colder, feeling as if they were going to fall off.
It took forever for his to be ready. And finally, as he held the phone up, I heard him whisper "Say cheese", and that was when it happened.
I was grabbed from behind while one hand came and covered my mouth while another grabbed my hands and held them behind my back. I tried to wriggle free, but the men held me tightly in pose. I could distinctly make out four voices, but there could have been more.
They tited a cloth around my eyes so I couldn't see. I remember being dragged but I never knew where. I don't remember what they did first. All I remember was screaming and screaming and getting slapped in the face and being told to shut up.
I will admit it. I was scared. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. What was I suppose to do? No one was coming to help me. No one was rescuing me. I remember thinking back to my friends. Liam, Zayn, Niall, and Louis...but especially Louis. What was he doing? He always had my back. Where was he when I needed him most?
I remember being thrown to the ground. It was cold, like cement, and it hurt to lay on. The fear of what they were going to do to me rang through my head. I was scared. Can I admit it? I was scared to get hurt?
I lay on the ground for about five minutes, listening, but not hearing voices. I just remember being so cold. So so cold. So cold and scared.
I remember wishing that I had never left the hotel. I was wishing that I had never gone to the states. For a time I remember wishing that I was dead.
When I finally heard voices again, I had gone through every single possibility in my head of what they were going to do to me. The first man unblindfolded me, and I remember the first think I looked up at was the sky. It was dark and cloudy, but I remember seeing three stars and wondering who else was looking at them. What had they been feeling?
My mind was brought back to reality when I heard the man. I looked into his dark green eyes and saw nothing but pure lust. My heart raced faster as he came closer to me. I tried to run, but my legs gave away. The other men surrounded me in a small circle.
I think that it was at this moment where I finally realized what they were going to do to me. I finally understood my fate. My fate was inescapable.
The first man spoke to me in a gentle voice. By now tears were streaming down my face from fear. "Don't cry child. It will all be over soon."
I remember choking and the other men laughing. Their laugh still haunts me at night.
The tears really began to fall from my face when the first man grabbed the hem of my sweatshirt. I let out a choked sob, and tried to hind in the corner. I tried to escape. This made the men laugh again.
"Awe, is little Harry scared?" one man mocked. Another said, "Does the little pop star want his mummy?"
I choked down another sob. Truth is, I did want my mummy. I wanted her to hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, even when it wasn't. I wanted her to love me.
I was brought back into my hell as I felt a pair of lips attach onto mine. They were rough and I tried to pull away. I tried to make them stop. My heart was racing out of my chest. God, someone help me.
It continued for what seemed like hours. Finally, when he pulled away, I tried to breathe but something else was being shoved into my face. His "Thing" was being forced at me demanding me to open.
I had never fought so hard in my life. I punched the man holding me down, and screamed, but the only thing that I ended up with was a bruised rib, and a busted lip.
I finally opened my mouth. I had never felt so awful in my entire life. I had never felt so disgusting. I had never wanted to purge as much as I did in that moment of horror. I just sat on my knees while he was standing in-front of me making sounds I never wanted to hear in my entire life. They were gross. They made my stomach hurt.
Louis couldn't continue reading. He was sobbing uncontrollably and his breathing was rough. How had this happened to Harry? Why hadn't harry told him? Louis felt hurt, but yet understanding. If this would have happened to him, he wouldn't have told anyone else either. He finally understood why Harry was doing the things he was doing. If that had happened to Louis, how would he have He had coped?
I was sure that they were done with me. I had ended up pleasuring three of them, and emptying the contents of my stomach twice. They weren't done, though.
After I had thrown up for the third time, one of the men grabbed me by the hair and threw me on the ground, the other three proceeding to hold me to the ground. He started with the buckle of my trousers while I squirmed and screamed trying to make him stop.
I don't 'even know how to describe what happened next. I just want to forget. Forget, forget, forget just forget! Forget the men, forget the touches, forget the feeling for worthlessness and pain.
The way they ran their greasy hands through my hair and whispered how beautiful and perfect my body was. The way the said to be quite, and the ways they tried to justify their deeds. The way they hurt me.............
I was cold, naked, naked, and exposed when they finally left. They left laughing and saying how I shouldn't have ever trusted their false story.
I will never trust again. I can't trust again. I will never love again. I will never feel again. I will never be me again. How can I be normal after everything that happened to me? How can I be fixed.
I don't remember what happened after they left. I just layed there, too bloody and hurt to do anything. Too much in pain to move. I don't remember how I got back to my hotel room, or when. The men drugged me before they left. They tried to make me forget. I will never forget. I can't forget.
The only thing that I remember was lying on the ground, laying in the ally way as I saw a small, white piece of paper float past. I remember grabbing it, now I am not really sure why, but I did grab it. It had been the paper I had written the note to that man's "Daughter" Ellie. There had been not really been any daughter. It was just something to get me into their trap.
I read the words. They sounded so foreign, so strange. Just as I had felt.
I am still broken. I can not fix myself. I can not changed what happened to me. I can not fix myself, or stop my tears. Is it wrong to say that I wish I had died that night? I wish I was dead.......
Louis stopped reading. He couldn't continue. He grabbed the book and threw it across the room. He wanted to love Harry. He wanted to hold him and tell him that everything would be alright. It wouldn't. Harry was dead. Harry was never coming back. It was all those men's fault. They had broken, killed Harry, and if Louis ever got his hands on them, they would not get out alive.
Louis feel asleep that night on Harry's bed. He hugged his pillows and took in his scent. He dreamed of his best friend.
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And that was the end of chapter 20. Tell me how you feel about it.
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