Zayn's POV
Each hit seemed to echo through the gym as I watched Harry do the exercise Mark had just told him to do. I just stood to the side and watched him as my mind zoned out for the hundredth time in the past three weeks since Niall's miscarriage. Nothing could seem to take my mind off of it, even my own kids couldn't. They were running around the gym with all of Ezra's friends here while Niall was doing grocery shopping. Nothing could make me stop thinking about it. Not even the fact Harry had his fight with Liam coming up next week. With each hit, I felt it ring through my ears. Nothing could take away the emptiness I had been feeling. Even our house seemed too quiet and Niall's waist seemed too thin when I held him.
Niall was handling this beautifully. He would talk to me when he felt like his mind was heading somewhere it shouldn't and he would always keep a positive attitude about everything. We both believe this happened for a reason, to strengthen our marriage or to love our kids even more, we can only guess why. For him, he had his parents to help him the first days before they left and it was just us dealing with it. Louis and Harry helped a lot by coming over and cooking for the boys because Niall and I seemed to be stuck in a state of shock. Niall just seemed to grow from this everyday. His smile even returned after a week. I remember seeing him out in the backyard just laying in the grass and looking up at the clouds with a smile. He's at peace with this while the fighter in me wants to find a way to fix this that involves my fists.
"Zayn, can I talk to you in the office?" Mark asked me quietly, but his voice made me jump from the trace I had been in. I nodded and followed him to the office we both shared. He closed the door and we both sat down. He pulled out some pictures from his wallet and gave them to me. One of them was a very pretty pregnant lady that had light brown hair and tan skin. She looked young, but the joy radiating off of her. The next picture was a small little sonogram and in the top it said that it was a boy. I looked up at Mark and saw him looking at me with a sad smile.
"That was my wife Sandra when she was pregnant with our son. We both were so excited about having a baby that we wanted to know right away if it was a boy or a girl. We named him Erik right away. The whole pregnancy was fine, it was the delivery that went up in flames. Sandra was anemic, so she was loosing a lot of blood during the delivery. Little Erik had a defect that made made his skin not fully develop where his skull and spine met. Air hitting him was all it took for his little heart to stop beating. The doctors tried everything they could, but he wasn't strong enough. My wife died just before they told her our son was dead. Her last words were take care of him, but she didn't know that both of them left me that day. For months after I went through life in a blur. Nothing made sense to me because I didn't understand how the best day of my life could turn out to be the worst. I never wanted to get married again or try having kids. I just focused on making the boxing gym my wife told me to open be as successful as it could have been. Years of depression and feeling angry went by until one night I decided to give a hole in the wall club a chance. There was this flirtatious bar tender that made me, not only smile, but laugh for the first time in years. It had been such a hard task for everyone that they all left me, so I decided to pay him for it." Mark stopped and smiled at me, I was crying so he rolled his chair over to me and took the pictures from me and took both my hands in his.
"If you ever wonder why I love you and think of you as my own son, it's not because you're an amazing boxer. It's because you were the person that turned my life around from something I thought was so unfair and so cruel. My son would have been just a few years older than you. Some days I look at you and think that my son Erik is the one that pushed us together so we both could live our lives with something neither of us had; a father and a son. I know what you're going through right now and I want to be the person that helps you through this." I nodded to Mark and let out a soft sob. I leaned forward so my head was on his strong shoulder and he could hold me.
"Niall is the one that carried that baby, but I'm still taking it harder. Dad, what do I do?" I asked through my tears. He reached down and curled my hand into a fist I moved my head to look at him and saw he was encouraging my natural instincts.
"Fight. Go fight it out until you find out why this is hurting you. Go rip apart a punching bag if you need to. You need to fight this problem out. In a weird way, you think clearer when you're hyped up on adrenaline fighting." Mark said. He wiped me tears and pat my shoulder. I sat there catching my breath while he wrapped my hands for me so I could go and do what he told me.
I left the office with Mark by my side and a light weight being lifted off me. There was still so much more weighing me down, but it helped get my focus on something that I knew I needed. I went over to the punching bags after checking on my kids and their friends. Ezra was showing off to his friends who fast he can jump rope while Mark made Harry go chase Ethan. I turned to the punching bag and went at it like it did something to me.
I got lost in the way it felt to hit it. Each punch let something out of me that made my aching heart start to heal. My mind wasn't even working on thinking about what hits my body was doing, it was focusing on digging deeper into the problem I was dealing with. The surface problem was that I lost a child before it was born. Going down layer by layer I felt the feelings boiling up and spilling out through my hits. I was upset that there wasn't more we could have done to save that baby. I felt responsible because I instigated the decision of sex on Niall which lead to him getting pregnant. My thinking got deeper until I hit the bottom that made me nearly knock the punching bag off its hinges. One of my family members had left me.
I stood there after that last hit and stared at the swinging bag. I wasn't mad at that baby because it had no control over this. I wasn't mad at all. I was just feeling like something that I most definitely would have loved left me before I had the chance. My heart felt abandoned. I'd felt that feeling before and it gave me an edge to the way I lived. This was so different, but it still hurt the same as when I found out my grandmother had been murdered. She didn't mean to leave me either, but she did. I had lost so much in my life that this was hurting me the same way. It was deeper than someone mourning a loss. It felt like someone had left me to figure out how to fix the mess that's my heart. Realizing this not only made me feel like everything that left me in a haze made sense, but it also made me feel like I could lift the weight that was crushing me. I didn't feel suffocated by everything that was pressing down on me, I felt stronger now that I knew there was reason to my feelings.
"Slow down, I'm old!" Harry yelled at my son, making Ethan's laughter ring through the gym. I smiled and knew that I still had more than I deserved. I had my two kids that were more amazing than words could describe. I still had Niall with me, who was healthy and being strong enough to be happy. I looked at Mark and thought of what he's gone through. I knew there could be worse than what I'm going through now. Right now I'm still the luckiest man on earth to be married to Niall Horan and have made two beautiful children with him. That baby didn't leave me just because it didn't want to stay. It's because that little angel needed to show me that I have a full life. That I shouldn't feel abandoned, but instead feel thankful for all that I had.
I breathed out and looked at the clock on the wall it was nearly five in the afternoon. I went over to help Harry catch Ethan, which only took me a few seconds, then got the other four boys to come with me to get a snack and some water before we head back to our house.
"We could all sleep outside tonight. We have a tent that's really big." Ezra suggested to his friends. All of them were going to have a sleepover after a full day of spending time together. Ethan already looked sleepy so I knew who was going to be taking a nap on the way home. I took off my gloves and tossed them in my bag. All of them followed me as we walked out of the gym. Just before I left I gave Mark a hug that said everything I needed to say.
Once we all got back home, the boys ran to go find the huge tent so they could set it up while I went to find Niall. He was in the backyard taking some pictures on his camera them would look around before spotting something else. Rocky was laying in the sun and Niall must have liked the way that looked because he snapped a few pictures. I went up behind him and wrapped my arms around him, my heart only aching a bit for something that wasn't there. He giggled and turned so he could kiss me. I held him close to me and just took in how perfect he was.
"You found your own peace." Niall whispered to me. I sighed and nodded because I guess I did. For a natural born boxer, peace isn't something that comes easily. Niall kissed my neck and pulled back to give me a small wink.
"We're alright, aren't we?" He asked me. I grabbed his bum and nodded to him. We laughed for the first time in weeks and it felt better than anything.
"Is Harry ready for his fight?" Niall asked. I nodded even though I had been a bit preoccupied. Mark took over completely and watching Harry he looked like he was ready. I knew he was ready for this mentally. Physically, he looked ready, but I hadn't seen Payne in a while.
Niall and I were interrupted by five little boys dragging out a big tent to the middle of the yard. I sat down and pulled Niall on my lap. They starting to open them he tent and pull out the poles. We just watched them until we looked at each other and knew it was time to go help them before someone got hurt. Niall got off my lap and went over while I took an extra minute to look up and ask that little angel to give me the strength to deal with five little boys right now.
A/N: happy Zayn! If you were a noise, what would you be?!?!?! I think I'd be a burp because I burp all the time haha Comment/Vote!
-Bri ;)