I didn't flinch, even as the string wrung through my skin. It pulled taught, tugging on my flesh. I just kept my face down, eyes closed. I was too tired.
The grip I had on Daryl was vice-like. I didn't know whether he felt uncomfortable or not about the position we were in; him sitting on the sofa, with myself clutched and close to him. I had my arms wrapped around his neck, nose nuzzled into the dip in his shoulder. I let my body relax against him, only opening my eyes once or twice to see Hershel still tending to my arm.
He had a concentrated look on him, handling me gently and carefully - which I appreciated to no end.
Blood had coated Daryl's back, dripping down the wings on his leather over jacket...
Footsteps approached the room, gaining my attention away from the darkness behind my eyelids, and the stitches now riddling my arm, to the doorway where a new figure stood.
Everyone else had congregated away from this one, giving me space and silence. No one spoke a word when I was pulled from the dumbwaiter, simply ushering my sobbing body to a lighter area of the house.
Hershel cut the last stitch, wrapping gauze where he had done his handy work. I wiped my nose, staring at the new scar I would have. Mix it in with all the other ones, and it became something of a shell. A sign of past weakness. "There we go," he whispered, laying a hand on my shoulder for a moment before standing up from his seat, brushing down his shirt.
Rick stepped further into the room, taking steady steps towards the three of us. He had put his gun somewhere else, I noticed. He approached my eyes like he could still feel the friction between us.
I had grown tired of that feeling.
Sure, we had scared each other. Hurt each other. And it was time to move on from it because I'm sure he knew what we had done to each other.
I shuffled backwards from Daryl, taking a seat in the far corner of the sofa, crossing my legs over one another. The man I once held looked between me and the ex-cop, and I nodded in assurance.
Both Hershel and Daryl left the room, leaving only Rick and me, taking up the air.It was quiet. So quiet and I needed him to talk first because I was sure I had already screamed all the words I had left, down in that basement.
"I'm sorry."
I whipped around in my seat so fast my stomach spun. He had an almost ashamed and embarrassed look on his face, taking his fingers and pressing them into his forehead, closing his eyes tightly. "I'm sorry, Marley," he repeated, putting more feeling into the words I had heard from no one.
"What?" My voice whistled, going no higher than a single decibel. I wrung my hands together in my lap, only moving my right arm slightly due to the pain that still pulsed through every nerve.
He stepped closer, slowly taking a seat on the other far end of the sofa. He didn't look at me for any moment, instead staring at the space between his knees, curling his hands into fists. "I'm sorry for having you go down there."
A pause lifted between us, and the only reason I spoke was to fill the air with words. "We had to see what was down there."
He handled me with a gentle touch to his words, and I appreciated how much effort he was putting into his words after everything I had done.
After everything I had done, I was grateful to each and every single person who treated me like a human being in the group. Because I had treated them so selfishly, yet I was just trying to be something I couldn't put a word to.
"I'm grateful," he voiced my thoughts, looking to my eyes and then down to my arm which lay limply over my crossed legs. "Has anyone asked you if you're okay?"
I smiled... for what seemed like the first time in an extremely long time, my lips curled at their edges but folded as to not smile too much. "Yeah," I breathed. "Hershel, and Glenn, and Lori..."
I could hear them now, shuffling in the room behind us as they prepared an evening meal. Something of leftover anything. Their small chatter, because Hershel had ordered them to be quiet.
"It funny how much people don't know what happened that night," I felt a tug to the past. "I don't think they would understand." I kept my eyes glued to his, which stared right back and I saw the answer forming behind all judgement.
"It's okay."
And that's all I needed. I didn't need much more.
More footsteps, and I turned in my seat, wiping the dry crusted tears that formed at the nape of my neck.
Lori stood there, Carl under her arm. They looked expectantly towards us, waiting. So Rick stood from his chair and approached them, stopping just as his legs were parallel with my body. "C'mon, you need to eat." He waved his hand to the door and continued leaving the room. He left me in the quiet, to gather myself without any disturbance from anyone else.
But the silence was sliced through smoothly, as I expected Hershel to enter - or even Daryl - I welcomed the sound of footsteps until it was someone I didn't need to see.
"Are you okay?" She whispered, kneeling down. Laura had her hair up in a ponytail now, and it tumbled over her gaunt shoulders. "I was waiting till Rick left. What did he say?"
"He said sorry," I smiled, tilting my head sideways and moving forward to step off the sofa. But Laura brought her arms up to rest beside my knees, closing me in. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth as her clinginess kicked in - she couldn't help it. "I'm hungry let me leave, please."
"You could have died," she stressed, astounded at my casual attitude after getting bit by a dog. "You could have died, Marley. Don't you get that?"
"Yeah, Laura, I get it. I'm just very familiar with the feeling," my eyes widened and I could feel the heat rising up my neck. I breathed out, tucking my hair behind both my ears.
"I could have lost you," tears welled up in my eyes. And I found it really hard, even after finding myself again, to care. "I can't lose you."
Her point didn't seem to sink in as much as she wanted to, as she stared at both my eyes, looking for the emotion I once held above her. The love I once had for her. But it still wasn't there, and it didn't think it ever will be. It won't. I'm not that girl anymore.
I'm not the girl who clings to anyone who loves her anymore. Anyone who gives me attention. I don't pine for comfort even if it comes with pain - at least, I don't think I am.
Nothing could love me, especially not me.
"Are you listening to me?" She said aghast, her breathing quickened as if she was running five miles just to get her words out. It obviously meant a lot to her.
And so she found another way to get words into me. To somehow get her point across that she definitely wasn't over me. She pressed her words to my lips with her own. She pushed so far into my mouth, I could taste every syllable she needed to get across.
Her lips were soft and fast. They were desperate as she cupped my face, and made me flashback to a time before everything awful happened. The feeling intrigued me so much that I pushed back as if it were a sword fight and I needed to know what my opponent would do next. I felt like I couldn't breathe under the crushing feeling of flashback. It was not exciting and new. It was not something I enjoyed but curiosity got the better of me in that moment, and I could not help but push my own words into her own mouth.
I felt her ponytail between my fingerprints, curling my hands into fists like I was clutching a river; the water. Along with that was the drowning. It was not good - and I had been through so much of that, too much, I knew I would have to stop and push away from something too familiar and too close to a time I crumbled in my own body.
I bit down, tasting blood for half a second.
"Ow!" She exclaimed, bringing her hand to her face in shock and letting me brush past her body without a passing glance.
"It's not-" I stuttered, stopping in place with my hands facing my thighs with splayed fingers. "It's not like that anymore... you have to understand." I spun around, spotting her now licking her lip that had turned red. I shook my head, over and over again.
"The past is the past, and you are the past, Laura," I pointed a finger at her from my side of the room. "I cannot associate myself with that anymore."
"I'm not Jimmy, I never did that to you."
I rushed towards her, and as I did, she backed up into a wall. Every word that came out of me had a purpose, and an almost bruising impact that was harsher than her approach. "Do not talk to me about that disgusting piece of shit!"
I could feel a fire in my eyes, as I blinked wildly. "There's this dark space inside me," I whispered. "And you're unfortunately buried way beneath it."
I turned away from here, going to walk out of the room, but was stopped as her words were thrown once again. "I love you, Marley."
There was not much I could say. No one had said that to me in years, and so, it did not come with the familiarity the rest of Laura came with.
I leaned up against the doorframe, holding a gentle hand to my arm. "I don't know even know what love is."
I gave Laura a passing glance, before exiting down the hallway.
■
As the night grew darker, and the moon rose, the floors got cold - we ate our supper huddled in a circle. Our legs crossed over one another, diving into a small meal - which is all we could make.
Lori had made sure I got something to eat earlier than most, something I was not used to these past few months. I remember I would go days without eating back on the farm, just to feel a different kind of empty. Like the panging hunger would reach my brain and become crippling so much so that I would forget what I was becoming.
And then we were approaching winter, and it was not voluntary. Looking for scraps in every house we found, going down to even the most minuscule and unsatisfying meals just to survive. It made you want to kick the past you for not appreciating things like ice-cream when we could.
I focused more on the bowl in front of me rather than the small conversations that flew over my head until I heard Beth call my name. "What?" I wiped my lips, seeing most people looking at me.
"We were just talking about our present as a kid," Beth gave a small smile my way but it was not returned as I looked back down to my knees, hoping I wouldn't have to talk about it. I withdrew from the conversation at my own will, ignoring what she said to me.
"I was wondering-"
"Beth," Maggie cut in, and I saw her tap a hand on her sister's knee to get her attention. Beth gave a small "oh" before withdrawing from the conversation herself.
I gave a shaky breath, coming to the bottom of my bowl. I stared into it with furrowed brows, suddenly feeling a chill wash over me and I drew my hands into the sleeves of my jumper.
"Are you cold, sweetie?" Carol, who sat beside me, leaned in and whispered.
"A little," I answered honestly, closing my eyes. I only had on a thin jumper, and my hat had been discarded somewhere, I didn't know.
I jumped in place, almost letting out a yelp as a scarf drew itself around my neck, falling over my hair and shoulder. My icy skin already felt warmer.
"There you go," Lori then said, rubbing my shoulders with her thin hands. I looked over my shoulder to see her rubbing her growing abdomen.
Lori always had more food than anyone else, which I understood. There was no way I would protest against that, but it made my stomach turn to think that I may have been like that. I didn't get that.
I didn't get my baby, and she was getting hers.
Jealousy wasn't even the word, it was green envy that crept over my skin every time I looked at the woman. It wasn't even that I wanted a baby now, but it was the missed opportunity that life gave me that made me want to throw up.
I suddenly felt like I had not eaten a thing, and I couldn't tell if the emptiness inside was because I wasn't full or that something was missing.
I clutched the scarf around my neck with one hand and used my other to push myself off the floor.
"Where are you going?" Carl asked, in a small voice and through a mouthful of food. He looked desperately towards me like I just hinted I was going to run away.
"Just for some air, young sir," I smiled, blinking slowly and doing my best to get away from everyone as fast as possible. And I was hit with even colder as the front door swung open.
Wood creaked beneath my shoes, and my lips parted against the cold air.
I hadn't realised for so long what it felt like to grieve and here I was with the snow falling to the ground, and that feeling was here again. It stung, like a sharp punch to the gut. It lingered in my head all the way down to my toes, like an ache in your ribs you could not rub out.
"What're you doing here?" A voice broke my thoughts, and I turned towards it to see no one else but Daryl with a cigarette between his lips.
"Standing," I stated evenly, after a moment of looking at him and the way he sat. He had one leg hitched up on the bench that sat by its lonesome on the porch. I brought the cigarette to his mouth once again and took a drag. My gaze lingered for a moment longer than I intended.
"Up," I added as an afterthought, dragging my gaze once more to the sky. I forwarded, leaning against the wooden post that held up the roof at the front of the house. I let the snow fall around my shoulders, icing every inch of my skin it could reach. Falling across my eyelashes and hair.
"I hate the snow," I made sure I was loud enough so he could hear me, and I swiveled around to lean my back against the pillar so I could see him again. I held my ribs with my uninjured arm, feeling tears well up in my eyes and I tried everything I could to not let them scorch my cheeks but they did as I blinked once.
"How can you hate the snow?" He asked dumbfoundedly, throwing his burnt out cigarette over the fencing around the porch. He leaned back further into his seat and so did I, kneeling down to the floor and letting myself hit it in a pile of cold skin and cold bones.
"If something bad happens... when snow falls," I kept my eyes on him as I spoke. "You can hate its guts if the snow had any."
The cold brought a throbbing pain to my arm I didn't intend to feel, and I clutched it towards my chest to try and woo some warmth into it but it was hopeless.
"Y'alright?" Daryl leant forward so his elbows hit his knees. "Does it hurt?" I nodded, standing up has he waved his hand towards himself. I approached the bench and sat beside his own body, knocking my thighs with Daryl's.
I held out my arm, as I rolled up the sleeve of my jumper. But a hand stopped my own, letting the fabric fall across my arm once again as they guided my fingers down towards my wrist.
"You don't need to show me," he said quietly.
I watched his hand linger over my knuckles and curl slightly. The way they moved, I knew he was scared. Daryl was not used to this - the comforting - but he didn't have to anything for me, he would just need to be there and it would help.
I flipped my palm over, ever so slowly, letting his hand stay there longer.
We just let our own branded silence sing itself away around, and we could just sit. We sat beside each other and I felt my chest grow heavy and full with something I could not name. It was not familiar as we both leaned forward, with parallel skin and shoulders.
For once in my life, the snow did not bother me even for a second that he sat beside me.
And suddenly... I was nervous. I could feel it on him too, like a lingering breath. And I could feel his eyes on me. They pierced into my side and it hurt, good.
I turned my head left, catching him look away and retract his hand. He shuffled back to the bench, bringing his hand that once curled into mine to his lips.
I was... disappointed, let down. Like something had been taken from me, and I desperately wanted it back.
"Daryl?" I leant back with him, hugging my knees to my chest. The pain in my arm had lessened but at least the piercing grief no longer lingered over every thought I had.
"Mhm," he mumbled through his hand, casting his blue eyes to my green ones. I almost forgot what I was about to say.
"Do I make you nervous?" I furrowed my brows, making sure I could see the entirety of his face so I could at least try to read any emotion that came across it. "Be honest."
I could tell it took everything- absolutely everything inside of him to not just get up and walk away because I knew that Daryl was a closed in person and he didn't like talking about his feelings. He had this steel covering over his soul, and I was one of the people who knew why.
The pause was so long between the question and answer, I thought I wouldn't answer at all. Such an ambiguous question to such a straightforward but complicated person. And the answer directed to someone as much so.
He gave me one word that made my whole body warm and my heart clench. "Yeah."
I didn't take time in answering the question myself. "You make me nervous too." An unwanted smile rose to my face, and I looked down to my lap. I breathed out, letting my shoulders relax like a fifty-ton weight had been lifted from my mind. Like a rusty gate had been finally opened.
I felt my shoulder bump him, and I let my cheek press up against it, closing my eyes as Daryl welcomed the contact. His heat radiated off of him, through our souls and thoughts and I could tell without even looking at him that I was in his as much as he was in mine.
I lay my arm on his thigh, palm facing upwards and waited to see what happened. And he gently avoided where my bandage was, the curling his last three fingers over mine. The cold did not bite anymore and I felt like stars were growing in my body, lighting up my senses and keeping warmer than any scarf, hat, or coat ever could.
I closed my eyes, letting out a breath through my nose.
I hadn't felt more comfort since my parents were alive. It was the equivalent of them kissing my bruised knees, but it was different.
Daryl was different to me.
"Marley?" A voice cut through everything, and it wasn't Daryl's. I opened my eyes, not moving from my position.
It was Harvey, standing with his hands wrung together, and a nervous glance on his expression. "Can I talk to you?"
I nodded, and he spoke again.
"I need to tell you something."
○○○
boiiiiiii how did u like this?
tell me ur thoughts?
Also i rly wanna do another twd fic but I have three in my drafts.
i. rick grimes fic
ii. jesus fic
iii. rosita espinosa fic
i cri i have so many darley feels i cannot fucking take it kms
marley is all better but she's still dark and I LOVE IT
do you?
review marley's character why don't you
Because she's the first bisexual main character in twd.fanfics I have seen who kissed a girl who isn't her love interest
Boom
love ya
- sylar