Anna has been doing her best to help me. I never go out anymore and she rarely leaves my side. I hid the dagger where she would never find it, yet always I could feel it luring me to it.
Anna does what she can to help me. She talks with me, brings me food and water when I need it, she is so gentle and caring.
It reminds me of when she was a child, it hurts me to see how fast she was forced to grow up. She has an eternity to live, she should have been able to spend more than half that time young and care free.
Yet here we are. Broken, tired, and weary. I hardly sleep. My dreams are haunted by nightmares. I lose control over myself and become violent.
But Anna never gives up on me. She's always there to comfort me when I have nightmares, she's there to calm me when I lose control.
I don't know what I'd do without her. One day as I'm sitting on the floor with my back against the wall Anna comes into the house with a worried expression on her face.
"What's wrong Anna?"
I ask in concern.
"It's nothing Caran."
She says quickly hiding her worry behind a fake smile.
"How are you feeling?"
"You can't lie to me Anna. Tell me what's wrong."
Anna hesitates. I sigh and stand to my feet. I walk over to her and put my hands gently on her shoulders.
Sometimes I forget my own strength and I unwillingly hurt her.
"You can tell me what's wrong Anna. You don't have to keep secrets from me."
Anna sighs and looks down at her feet.
"Winter is coming and we barely have any food left."
She says.
"Is this truly what has been bothering you?"
I ask lightly.
"I have money Anna, I can go into one of the nearby villages and buy enough food and supplies to last us through the winter."
"But Caran, you can't go. I don't want you going into a village full of men on your own. Give me the money, I can go and-"
"No Anna! You are not going into those villages! I won't allow it."
She seems startled by my sudden change of tone but I don't care.
I have enemies in those villages, I can hold my own against them but if they found out about Anna, I would never forgive myself if she got hurt.
"Anna please, stay here and I'll go get what we need for winter."
"Let me go with you."
Anna says clasping my hand.
"I can't bear the thought of you alone with dozens of men."
"It wouldn't be my first time Anna."
I say grinning slightly.
"Trust me, I'll be fine. Now please, promise me that you'll stay here until I get back."
Anna refuses to speak.
"Promise?"
I ask again in a more hardened tone.
Anna finally nods.
"I promise."
"Good. I'll leave now."
"Wait until morning, please? At least then I'll know that you'll be home before dark."
I sigh and tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She grew up to be so beautiful, even though she hasn't yet come of age she has the beauty to match the elven queens of old.
She doesn't deserve this life. She should have been able to grow up happily in our village, get married someday, start a family of her own.
But that life was stolen from her just as it was stolem from me. If I could give my own life just so she, Elwin, and Rilien could live, I wouldn't hesitate to do it.
That night as I lay on the hard ground I dream about my family. About the life we could have had if none of this had happened.
If the men had never come, if I had never been captured, if I hadn't been turned into what I was.
"If" is such a small word, but it holds much more power and stirs a longing so strong that I can barely keep hold of my emotions.
I want those "if's" to be real. I want them so bad that it causes my entire body to ache.
Why did I have to lose the people I loved the most? Why did the only one I have left have to be forced to spend years imprisoned and tormented?
Why was life so unfair?
Why?
////
The next morning Anna watches me leave for the village. I want to take a weapon with me, one that won't draw attention to myself but will aid me if a fight occurs.
I want to take my dagger, but I fear that if I do, I will control again.
Instead a settle on a small knife that I hide in my right boot. I walk at a brisk pace to the nearest village. All I want is to get what I need as quickly as I can and get back home.
I keep my hood pulled up to where only a small portion of my face shows. I hope that no one recognizes me, even though that would be impossible.
No one has seen my face before. But everyone knows about the assasin that kills for a living.
I'm met with suspicious glares as I enter the village and I do my best to ignore them.
I head for the marketplace and search the shops for what we'll need for the winter. The shopkeepers give me queer looks as I purchase my items but they don't refuse me anything that I want.
Once I have to full bags hanging over my shoulders I begin the long walk back home. I can tell that the people of that village are glad to see me go.
If I had been more focused I would have noticed the men trailing me, and I would have known to take a different route home.
But I was distracted that day with my thoughts. I never noticed the men following me. And by the time I reached my home it was too late to do anything about it.
The men had seen where I lived.