*Dmitri's Point-of-View*
It has been a few days since the big blowout at the park and I still feel like shunning myself from the world. I haven't spoken to anyone except Brooke and even with her I have been distant. Yvonne hasn't even been back to the apartment and it's hurting me a little to think that she might be ignoring me and cutting me out. But hey, it wouldn't be the first time I have lost family. One by one, my family walked out on me. My mother literally kicked me out the house when she realized I liked dudes. I remember her just tossing my stuff out the house, screaming and yelling at the top of her lungs. She called me so many things, so many derogative terms. I became an outcast in the neighborhood and of course within the family once my mother ran her mouth to everyone.
My mother was no saint and wasn't necessarily a liked member of the family either because of her drug and alcohol abuse, but she still had the power to taint my name. I mean, I guess it wouldn't be hard to give a negative image to me since most people assumed that I'd be like her. Cousins, uncles, and aunts turned their backs on me, referring to me as "The gay son of that strung out druggie," hence why when I was put out, I had nowhere to go. Thankfully, I had Brooke, who managed to convince her uppity parents to let me live with them until I could become stable on my own two feet. But that was a battle of its own...since Brooke's parents didn't necessarily like me, but tolerated me.
As time went on, one of my cousins, Yvonne, reached out to me and began seeking to make me feel like I had some type of family that was still down for me. Her father, my mother's brother, had tried to convince Yvonne that I wasn't worth saving or trying to help, since I'd only turn out like his no good sister. Yvonne's mother didn't make it any better, constantly putting her nose in our family business even once her and my uncle divorced. But Yvonne ignored them all and decided she would not judge me based on anyone's perspective other than her own. She was very open with me and warmed up to me quick. It made me feel really good when this was first playing out. Now, I might be losing her.
Apart from that, Andre had tried to call me and text, but I just ignored it all. At this point, I definitely believe that people aren't worth me giving my all to. I've told Andre on many occasions that I am no good. Relationships aren't my thing and love is just a sweet way of killing yourself. See, I know there are other people out there like me who would prove that we all can't be trusted. As much as I hate to even say it, Trevor isn't too different than I am. He can be manipulative, unfaithful, and sneaky, which are qualities I can possess. It's sickening to acknowledge but it is what it is.
The night was approaching and I decided that I had laid up in the house long enough. I hopped in the shower and started to get ready to head in to work since I was becoming strapped for cash. With the current head space I was in, I hadn't been to the club. It's so crazy how I'm losing money over other people...what happened to my edge? Even now, I'm seeming all depressed because of all these altercations. I shouldn't even give a fuck anymore.
I cut the water off and hopped out the shower, standing naked in the middle of the bathroom as I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked rough and stressed out with some bruises still slightly there from the scuffling at the park. It made me a little angry again thinking that Trevor bruised me yet again. But as fast as the anger came, I shook it away, simply just grabbing the little makeup I had and fixing my face up to look more clean and clear.
*Click*
My head turned to the open bathroom door as I heard the front door click. I placed my brush down and wrapped a towel around myself before stepping out into the living room where I saw Yvonne.
"Hey Dmitri." She said, setting her bags down by the couch. Her tone was serious and I knew she wanted to talk about everything.
"Yvonne...I'm sorry about everything. I wanted to tell you...but...I just..." I said, staring at her.
"I'm not really mad at you Dmitri. I'm just, disappointed that you didn't tell me as soon as it happened. But I guess I can understand why you'd be scared to tell me..." She said, sitting on the couch now. I walked over and sat next to her, feeling relieved that she wasn't really mad at me.
"The last thing I wanted to do was push the only family I had left away. I didn't want you to think I would be messy and do some low down shit like trying to sleep with your man. It's just, I know most of the family assume the worst about me..." I say quietly in a serious tone. I could feel myself getting a little emotional actually talking to Yvonne about it all. She places her hand on my shoulder and looks directly into my eyes.
"Dmitri, when everyone else turned their backs on you, you see I was still willing to create my own perspective of you. Since I've allowed you into my life, you have always been brutally honest. It can be annoying at times, but at least I know you're real." Yvonne says softly, taking a short pause before continuing. "You're a complicated person...I'll say that. You don't always do what is right and you know that some of the things you do is wrong, but I still know that deep down, you care. You may not give yourself enough credit for your faithfulness..." She utters. I look at her not sure how to process that.
"I feel like I'm just like Trevor." I say almost nonchalantly, trying to hide the fact that I do actually feel emotional.
"Shut yo ass up...you are nowhere near as bad as Trevor. At least you have never betrayed me or lied to me. You have been trying to tell me for months that Trevor was no good and I didn't listen. Now I find out he is DL...no telling if he could have any diseases or anything." Yvonne says, looking down. I feel my heart break a little that Yvonne may think she could have something.
"You didn't use condoms?" I ask her bluntly.
"We have been together for 3 years. There's been times I haven't and there's been times I have. Sometimes you make dumb decisions...then not only that, remember I told you he wanted to start a family..." She said with her gaze still down.
"You aren't pregnant, are you?"
"Hell no! I was going to wait until me and him for sure had the place together to avoid bringing a baby into this small apartment. Thankfully I was that mindful, but the unprotected sex is what I'm regretting. See after I left the park the other day, I was extremely upset. I didn't know how to process everything and it really took your friend, Brooke, to help me calm down enough to not make any haste assumptions. After a day passed, I finally spoke to Trevor about it." Yvonne explained.
"And what did he say?" I asked her. Yvonne took a deep breath and sighed.
"Well, he decided to finally be honest for once in his life. He admitted that for some time now, he has been dealing with his attraction for men. He admitted that what Brooke explained had happened, with the fight y'all had to the...kiss...that ended it. But there is one thing he did point out that I have to ask about..." She responded, but this made me tense up a bit. I remembered I did kiss Trevor back even though my mind was telling me not to. I remember my body giving in and me pressing me lips on his. If Trevor was being completely honest, he likely mentioned that small little detail that I definitely hadn't mentioned.
"If it's about the kiss, I know I probably didn't quite push him off me as fast as I should've. And I guess that tore me up too when it came to trying and talk about it." I just let it all flow out.
"Oh...I see. Yeah, he said that you didn't mention you seemed to like it."
"I didn't like it! I just want to clear that shit up." I quickly interject. "It was just the initial reaction. But I did not want that and it made me more upset that he had kissed me."
"It's fine Dmitri...honestly I believe if you meant more harm, you would have taken it further. I know what you're capable of." Yvonne says with a smile. It really makes me feel a lot lighter to know Yvonne isn't pinning this situation on me, though I know she is still hurting that Trevor acted the way he did.
"I'm surprised you are this calm to be honest." I point out frankly. Her smile drops a little and she rolls her eyes.
"See, I wasn't quite done with my story. After Trevor came clean about kissing you, he revealed to me that you weren't his first attempt in acting on his attraction. He's messed around with his homeboy and got a full profile on this gay app, Jack'd." She revealed. I nearly choked on air at that last part. I know I was quite promiscuous but I actually never used Jack'd.
"Oh wow..." I mumble.
"Mhm, so he claims he have fucked 3 other guys before trying to get you. I composed myself well enough to listen to him say all this and to give this sorry ass apology before I flipped, busting a lamp in his face and breaking his fucking nose." Yvonne said leaning back into the couch. I'm not too surprised she did this, since she can have a quick temper and get physical quickly.
"I figured that would happen." I say shrugging.
"Yeah, it was only a matter of time. After that, I had been with my mom's sister to just gather all my thoughts together and realize that Trevor and I were done. I have no problem with gays, but I do have a problem when you're supposed to be mines and you're playing for the same team. It tears me up because I seriously loved this man. I would have started a family with him...and now that's all gone." Yvonne says with her voice starting to crack. The tears swelled in her eyes and I immediately pulled her into a hug. I rubbed her back and just held her while she cried.
"Fuck Trevor. He missed out on a real ass female like you. He's not worth your tears." I say softly. This is exactly why I can't fathom getting into a relationship and then being hurt. Being distraught over a person just wasn't it for me.
"You're right...I know I'll be OK. I just need some time." She replies, wiping her tears away. "Oh, and don't let my failed relationship be something to further taint your look on love...it's really not so bad when you love the right person." There was a bit of silence after that because I just couldn't look at love as this grand thing.
"Your relationship with Trevor isn't the only thing that influences my belief. I'm fine just doing me." I respond simply. Yvonne stands to her feet and looks at me for a moment.
"I won't pester you on the subject...but have you spoken to your boy toy you brought?" She asks.
"No, I'd rather not. At this point with everything going on, I am not feeling the situation me and him were in. Plus, there's someone who apparently feels he's better for him."
"Dmitri, don't think like that. You could have him if you wanted. But again, I won't pester you into something you aren't ready for. At least have the decency to talk to him though and just tell him you aren't ready for the relationship. Don't just leave him wondering 'what if?'". She says softly. I let out a sigh, knowing that she's right. Deep down, I think I have come to terms with the fact that I can legitimately feel something towards others that could possibly lead to a relationship. But I still need time.
"Oh, and one more thing..." Yvonne says suddenly, proceeding to slap me in the face.
"Ouch! Bitch what?!" I yell holding my face.
"That's for not telling me everything sooner. I love you though, cousin." She says smiling now, walking away. I roll my eyes but can't help but laugh a little.
After me and Yvonne finished reconciling and chatting it up about everything, I headed into my room to finish getting ready for a shift at the club. I gathered some things into my bag, looking at the clock on my night stand. It was getting close to 9:30pm. Andre came into my mind and I thought about actually calling him to discuss everything, but I decided not to. I really wanted to go in to work and I just didn't need another discussion on my mind. I'll definitely take Yvonne's advice though and speak to Andre soon about everything. I shake from my thoughts and throw my bag over my shoulder as I do one last primp in the mirror.
"I hope I can get through the night..."
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Comment, like, and give me your opinion! I definitely feel like I did some good character building for Dmitri.