A/N: After some editing and rearranging, this was pushed to a new chapter. so some of you may have already read an earlier version of it. I'd recommend reading through it anyway since it's a new version. If you're a new reader disregard this.
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Idiot For Hire
Chapter 5: I'd Let Him Butter My Muffin Any Day
“Adri!” Trish exclaimed, running into my room with an excited look on her face.
“Shh,” I whispered, smacking at her arm when she came closer. “My mom’s asleep! She just got home from work.”
“Sorry,” she said, lowering her voice considerably. “There’s a Benjamin Collins here looking for you. And let me just say it right now: I’d let him butter my muffin any day.” She snickered, a grin crossing her face.
“A what?” I didn’t know a Benjamin Collins. If I did, I didn’t remember him, which, by Trish’s reaction, was pretty unlikely.
Trish shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s waiting for you downstairs. He just got here.”
“Have security escort him up, just in case he has any funny ideas,” I said.
I could tell Trish was dying to make an inappropriate comment about these “funny ideas,” but she kept them to herself. “I’ll go tell security. Maybe they’ll manhandle him so I can come to the rescue…” She didn’t bother giving me a chance to reply. She walked out of the room, mumbling to herself about being his savior.
About a minute later, there was a knock on the door. “Come in,” I called out.
An attractive guy that looked to be a little older than me walked in. He had short blond hair and a classic California tan. He was joined by two of our security men, though I was sure Trish wasn’t far behind. This guy didn’t look very tall. Granted, no one looked tall standing next to our security men. Those guys were huge.
“Can I help you?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No, I just came to bring you this,” he replied, walking towards me. I eyed him warily, but all he did was hand me a thin, cream-colored folder. I needed to stop being so paranoid.
“What’s this?” I asked, turning the folder over in my hands.
“It’s Nathan’s resume.”
“He couldn’t even bring me his own resume?” I shook my head, muttering to myself about who I’d just hired.
“Give him a break,” Benjamin said, an edgy tone in his voice. “He really needs this job. He probably didn’t show it, but he was really excited about getting hired. He just didn’t want to be too obvious about it.”
“Was he really?” I asked, pleased at the thought. He’d seemed as if he couldn’t care less whether he got the job or not. In reality, he’d just been trying to play it cool.
“Yeah, he was.” Benjamin nodded. “I mean, he’s still packing right now, and he’s trying to figure out how to sweet talk you into letting him carry around his Kate Upton cut-out.”
“If that cut-out comes within a fifty foot radius of me, I’ll burn it,” I warned.
“Then I probably shouldn’t mention the other things he’s going to try to sneak past you,” he said, amusement interlacing his tone. “I’ll let it be a surprise.”
“How thoughtful of you,” I said sourly. Opening the folder, I glanced inside and was surprised to see a professional looking resume. It looked really good. In fact, it looked a little too good. After examining it for a few more seconds, I looked up and said, “Nathan didn’t make this.”
Benjamin looked surprised. “How can you already tell?”
I shrugged. “Let me guess. You did it for him?”
“I did,” he admitted, scratching his head. “Don’t tell him I told you, though. He figured it’d fool you. He even added some of his own finishing touches so you wouldn’t notice. I tried to make it more professional, but well…”
“Of course he did.” I closed the folder and put it aside. I couldn’t believe I’d hired someone without even looking at their resume first. It was so unlike me. What if he had a criminal record? What if he was secretly plotting to kill me? And here I was, letting him into my house and into my life.
“He’s a good guy, you know,” Benjamin said. It was as if he could hear my thoughts. “He may not be what you’re used to when it comes to personal assistants, but he’ll do fine. As his roommate and best friend, I can vouch for him and say that you could always use a little Nathan in your life.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “He seems to think so, too,” I said, remembering the speech he’d given at the end of his interview. “Well, tell him not to be late tomorrow. And remind him that February 30th and noon o’one aren’t a thing.”
He chuckled and said, “I’ll make sure to tell him that. I’ll see you around, I guess.”
“Bye,” I said, giving him one last wave. With that, he was gone. Trish followed him as security escorted him out, loudly questioning him on his relationship status, among other things.
Smiling at Trish’s efforts, I sat down and picked up Nathan’s resume.
Nathan Byers
619 St. Joe Avenue
Los Angeles, CA, 90017
Apartment 41B
Mobile: (877) 612-7898
Home: (877) 235-4570
Email: yourmom@gmail.com
I actually had to stop reading to roll my eyes at this part. Seriously…
Summary
My two hours of experience as a personal assistant and two years of experience in fast-food joints/hotels have given me many skills.
Oh, boy.
These skills have grown and I have become a good multi-tasker who thrives in a busy, dynamic environment. I am valued for my optimistic attitude, loyalty and resourcefulness, as well as my communication skills. I am very good with people.
This was where the “charm” stepped in, apparently.
Education
Delta High School, Clarksburg, CA
Graduated: 2009
University of Southern California
Employment History
September 2011: Cashier at McDonald’s
March 2012: Sandwich Artist at Subway
June 2012: Assistant Manager at Subway
December 2012: Cashier at Domino’s
February 2013: Bellhop at the Pierre Plaza
April 2013: Personal Assistant to Renowned Model Adriana Martella
I would say “sandwich artist” was overdoing it a little, but maybe that was just me. And while I enjoyed the “renowned” in front of my title, it was clear that someone was sucking up, and big time.
Responsibilities
Handling money/cash registers
Taking orders, however ridiculous they may be
Making sandwiches
Watching over other workers
Answering the phone
Assisting customers
Transporting luggage
Reporting to the every whim and need of Adriana Martella
Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. He was learning already.
Achievements
Was promoted at Subway in 2012
Point guard at USC
He played college basketball; no wonder he was in such great shape. I remembered he’d said he was a college dropout, and I had to wonder what made him leave if he had such a good position. Why would he leave that all behind?
Holds record for most hot dogs eaten in one minute at the Clarksburg County Fair
Delta High School’s 2008 Homecoming King
Delta High School’s 2009 Prom King
Can make a great sandwich
Have a Ph.D. in human feelings
Can dance really, really well- have you ever seen me do the tango?
Wow. I wondered who added that.
Maintained a 2.75 GPA
Get along well with others
Overcame procrastination
Can bench 350; if you need to be carried, I’m your guy
Can also stand on my head
Interests
Music: Anything that doesn’t make my ears bleed
Dance: I can breakdance like a pro, slow dance, tango, and do the salsa. I can also teach you how to dougie.
Television: Anything on Adult Swim.
Movies: Inappropriate comedies
Travel: Yes, please
References
Benjamin Matthew Collins
Email: bencollins9878@gmail.com
Mobile: (877) 612-5893
Franklin Jest
Manager at Subway
Email: thefrankjest@yahoo.com
Mobile: (877) 597-0934
“I cannot believe this is what I just hired,” I found myself saying aloud when I finished reading. "I'm screwed."
“What was that, Adriana?” my mother asked, walking into my room.
“Nothing,” I said, shutting the folder and stuffing it in a corner when she turned her back to me. I didn’t want her to find out yet. She would find out in due time.
She turned around, regarding me suspiciously. “You and Trisha seem awfully suspicious today. What are you up to?”
My mother must have gotten up from her power nap around the time Benjamin Collins left or something. Knowing Trish, she’d probably fumbled over an excuse and made things seem ten times worse than they really were.
I gave my mother an innocent look. “Trish and I aren’t up to anything.”
She still looked distrustful, but she didn’t press on. “Have you solved your problem yet?”
I was about to ask what problem she was referring to when it dawned on me. Duh. “Yes,” I answered carefully.
“When does your new assistant start?” she asked. “I hope she’s better than Mousy.”
I fought a smile. “Tomorrow. I think it’ll be a pleasant surprise.” I wasn’t lying, technically. I never said who it would be pleasant for. It sure as hell wouldn’t be pleasant for her, but I would thoroughly enjoy seeing the horrified look on her face when she realized Nathan Byers was who I’d hired to replace Mousy.
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A/N: Vote/comment/fan/hold a satanic sacrifice. Just kidding on that last one.