I stood in the hallway right outside Christina's room, a feeling of anxiousness rushing through me. This was it. Everything was going to change after this moment. My best friends were about to become parents. I was about to be a God-Mother. I smiled to myself at the thought. So much has changed in just a year. Thinking of what led us all to this moment in our lives made me a little emotional. And then the emptiness began seeping into my thoughts. I was missing a part of me. This was such an important moment in all of our lives and I didn't feel complete. Something was missing.
"Nicole."
I heard my name called from down the hallway. My heart skipped a beat as my stomach started doing flips. I spun around to see him standing there, a look of desperation on his face.
"Matt."
His appearance was a little shocking. His eyes were wide with worry, his hair, messy, as if he had just received a troubling phone call in the middle of the night and ran out the door. He wore grey sweat pants and a plain white t-shirt that was slightly wrinkled. The start of a beard appeared where his usual smooth as silk face usually was. His overall appearance just seemed worried and unsure. I could completely relate.
He walked over to me, slowly but with purpose, as if he was ready for me to walk away from him. I met him half way and gestured for us to sit in the almost empty waiting room. Across from us was an older couple, in their sixties I'd guess. They sat side by side, leaning into each other, holding hands excitedly.
"So . . ." I mumbled after a few seconds of silence. We didn't look at each other, our bodies as stiff as statues as we sat facing the old couple and the wall behind them.
After another pause of silence, Matt finally spoke. "So . . . how have you been?"
I sighed. "Can we not do this please?"
"What? Be nice? Catch up?" He grunted.
I rolled my eyes. "No. Small talk. Being awkward."
"I'm sorry Nicole, was I not being open enough for you? Was I not acting like everything was okay and normal again? Because you know, I wasn't the one who packed up and left. I wasn't the one who ignored my phone calls for weeks--"
"Shh! People are staring."
He said nothing, just took my hand and led me further down the hall where no one was in sight. "Better?" He asked sarcastically.
"Much," I answered with attitude.
At first he was pissed. I could read it all over his face. Then a sort of sadness washed over him as he took my hands in his. "Seventy eight phone calls Nicole. I called you almost every minute of every day. And I'm not proud of it, I'm a little embarrassed actually because apparently it didn't matter to you. I didn't matter to you."
"Matt! Are you insane? Of course you matter to me . . . you're almost the only thing that matters to me. Me not loving you wasn't the problem. The problem . . . well there were a few," I sighed.
He gazed at me, long and hard. "Nicole . . . are you pregnant?"
He didn't look scared, he didn't look angry or sad or upset at all. He just looked curious and honest in his question. It took me by surprise, especially considering where we had left this conversation the last time.
I took a deep breath and exhaled my response. "No. It was a false positive."
He lifted his hand to graze my cheek and cradled my face, sadness touching his eyes. "Do you wish you were?"
I looked at him questioningly. "Do you?" I asked, searching his eyes for any form of uncertainty.
He smiled, very small, but still smiling, "I thought about it."
I almost gasped. "But last time-- when I told you--"
"I mean you kind of surprised me. That whole . . . thing . . . was a nightmare. The way I acted, the way I treated you, the news about my father, it was all a disaster." He shook his head, staring at the floor. "And then you tell me that," he smirked at me. "My head wasn't in the right place to even think about that. About what you were actually saying. It was like you were just adding another thing to my plate and I just lost it. It wasn't because what you were telling me was bad, it was just because it was another thing I wasn't expecting. I mean, I really wasn't expecting you to tell me that," he almost laughed. "But, after you left, of course I thought about it and what it would be like."
"And?"
"And . . . I love you Nicole. I don't know how else to tell you. And having a baby together wouldn't change how much I love you. And if that's what you were afraid of-- I just . . . I don't know how else to tell you," he sighed, shrugging.
"How about how you show it Matt?" I asked, turning him to look at me. "You can't just go out and get wasted and not come home until the morning every time something bad happens! You can't act like that anymore, not if you want this marriage to work."
He got serious, staring me right in the eye. "If I want this marriage to work? How about you? You can't just walk out every time something bad happens. I was in a really bad place Nicole. And you ripped my heart out."
I could feel the tears filling up in the corners of my eyes as I saw the picture of a broken man in front of me. I hurt him so terribly I wasn't sure if we could go back to how things were before. I was hurt and still mad about what had happened, but I was ready to work on things and be with him again because he had part of me with him. But now I wasn't sure if he wanted the same. Not after looking at his face just then.
"After you gave me the ring back and walked out Nicole . . . I swear I have never felt pain like than in my entire life. I didn't know a person could damage another person so badly without physically hurting them. But God, was I wrong."
I grasped at his arm, but he pulled away. The tears were spilling out now and I just couldn't stop them.
"Matt, please--"
"Please what? Please say I'm sorry? Well I am, okay? I am so sorry that I acted the way I did and treated you like I could do whatever I wanted and you'd stay no matter what. I'm sorry I took advantage of you. I'm sorry I took you away from your family and Christina when she was so far along in her pregnancy so that you could be with me." His eyes were glassy now, his lip about to tremble and he was trying to hold it together so badly now. Then he just let it all go, the toughness he was trying to keep. "But I'm also sorry that I need you. God I need you so much Nicole you have no idea. You are my family. I don't really have anyone anymore. And even if I did, I'd still need you because you are a part of me. You push me to be better and to do better and you tell me when I'm being an ass and when I'm selfish and I need that. I need to hear your laugh and see you roll your eyes at me when I say something dumb. The second you left I was forced to realize what my life would be like without you and I hated it. I haven't been able to get you off my mind. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I get this feeling when I'm with you that I just can't describe and I never wanted it to go away. And when it did I felt sick, just sick to my stomach with the thought that I'd never feel that again. And it really scares me telling you this now and it scares me how much I love you but I do. I just do."
I broke down. I couldn't even control it. Tears were pouring out and it was unstoppable. I knew I had my reasons for being mad, but I never even thought about how Matt felt. And I never expected him to ever say these things or feel these things about me. I knew he loved me and I knew he loved me more than anyone, but I had no idea how deeply he loved me. And it was the most beautiful, wonderful, amazingly unexpected, indescribable feeling I have ever dreamed of feeling.
I turned him toward me, pulling him closer to me until his forehead rested on mine and our lips were only inches apart. I hugged him around his waist, grasping at his shirt. I held onto him so tightly but somehow I couldn't hold him tight enough.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."
He brushed the teardrop streaming down my cheek and held my face between his large hands. "I'm sorry."
"I love you. I don't want to be like this anymore. I need you back. I need you."
He brushed away the strand of hair that fell in my eyes. "I love you. I love you so much."
Our lips touched gently and then fiercely as we were suddenly hit with the realization that this was it. This is what people search their entire lives for. And we had it. We would always have it.
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Not going to lie, I teared up a little writing this.
If you want to know what songs I listened to while writing this, just inbox me or leave a question down in the comments.
Maybe you want to listen to the music while reading(:
Again, sorry for the wait, but like I said, I just wanted this to be perfect. Hope you're enjoying and as always, vote, comment, and leave any questions or comments below!
xoxo Kristina