Alright, let's just take a minute to acknowledge the fact that while I said I was too busy to write and update due to exams....I did it anyway.
But this chapter was just begging to be written and I couldn't ignore it (French be damned!)
And I only have about 3-4 chapters left of HTD forever :(
NOTE: Song does NOT belong to me (lol, when do they ever?) this one belongs to The Fray (I know, I'm breaking out of the T pattern, aren't I?)
Anyway, hope you enjoy!!!!! x
I was fully packed up and sorted out by eight-thirty am.
I was dressed practically for both the concert and the plane, my hair was down but I had a hair-tie for later and I had done my makeup.
I was sitting at the table, but my stomach was too tied up in knots to eat. I stared at my phone blankly, as though it would give me some guidance.
“You always were an early riser.”
I raised my head at the familiar chuckle, my gaze meeting the eyes of the newly dark-haired Michael.
A small smile flitted across my lips. “You weren’t.”
He grinned goofily. “I like to sleep.”
“I am well aware.”
I watched in amazement as he made himself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the small table opposite me.
First acknowledgment, then banter and now this?
Michael noticed my stare and looked at me. “What?”
“Why are you talking to me?” I asked, bluntly.
He sighed, setting down his spoon and leaning back in his chair. “I’m sorry for ignoring you, Del.”
I raised an eyebrow. “I can’t say I didn’t deserve it.”
And there we go with the self-loathing and corruption.
Mike shook his head, running a hand through his tousled locks. “But you didn’t.”
I shrugged. “It’s ok.”
No, it’s not.
“No, it’s not.” Michael echoed my thoughts with a pained gaze of his own. “It’s not ok, Delilah. But you have to know…you really hurt him.”
I bit my lip, returning my eyes to the table. “I know. It was a mistake and I didn’t mean for it to happen, nor want it to happen. It just did and I ruined everything. It’s my fault, Mike. I get it.”
And I was tempted, so tempted, to give in to his sad gaze and tell him of my plan to run. To get him to tell Luke, to get him to stop me.
But I couldn’t. I was just dragging out this pain for everyone, being selfish. If I’d had even a bit of sense or bravery, I would have blocked Luke out a long time ago and saved him from all this heartbreak.
“I shouldn’t have done this tour.” I said, and the words were soft. “All I’ve done is hurt people, Mikey. I shouldn’t have come.”
The words hit me like a ton of bricks and I flinched at them.
Mike’s gaze fell. “Don’t talk like that, Del. It’s just been a rough few days, that’s all. After this concert you’ll talk to Luke and everything will sort itself out.”
A bitter smile played along my lips as I nodded. “I hope so.”
Then I got up and grabbed my suitcase, leaning down to ruffle Mike’s hair. “See you there.”
I was out the door of the tour bus for the last time before he could protest.
*
Hyde Park was exactly the same as it had been before we had started the tour, only different.
There were dozens of excited girls and the smell of summer filled the air.
Jo was right. This was good for me. This was closure.
I liked closure. I needed closure.
This is the last time.
The last moment of this tour.
The last time I would see these four boys and three girls who had changed my life.
The last time I would get to call them my best friends.
Maybe I would find myself again.
“Everyone please welcome, Delilah Cook!” Jo sang out.
The audience erupted in cheers and I grinned, genuinely, hauling my guitar to the stage and sitting on the stool, adjusting my microphone.
“Hey there, Sydney! How’s everyone doing?” I called.
Cheers met my words.
“I just want to say a massive thank you for your love and support this tour! You guys have been so incredible and amazing, and this tour has been the best time of my life.” I gave them a watery grin. “Now before this gets too cheesy, let’s kick it off with a bit of Katy Perry, yeah?”
They cheered again, and I took this as affirmation and broke into an acoustic version of Part Of Me that got everyone on their feet.
I did a couple of other dancing songs: some covers and some of my own.
My gaze sought that of the nine most special people in the crowd as I finished strumming the chords to my acoustic take on Little Mix’s Wings.
Jules’ face was stony, Em’s was soft and Stella’s was smiling.
Hope flared as I gave them all I soft nod of acknowledgement.
Ashton’s expression was neutral, Calum’s jaw was clenched and Michael was smiling.
Then I saw Luke. His eyes were wide, locked on mine.
As cheesy as it sounds, even his look took my breath away.
I offered him a small, sad smile and turned back to the audience.
“So this is my last ever song for the tour.” I stated. “And I wanted it to be something really personal for you guys. I actually wrote it on this tour, in the past few days. You could call this it’s debut.”
I chuckled softly to myself, then composed myself and took a deep breath.
“I guess I want to clear some things up. I made a mistake, recently, and it was a pretty bad one. I want everyone involved to know that I am so sorry. And I know I’ve said it a million times, but I truly mean it. I hope that one day you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. But for now, this is all I have. This is Fall Away.”
“You swear you recall nothing at all
That could make you come back down
You made up your mind to leave it all behind
Now you're forced to fight it out”
Of course it was Luke’s face I sought out.
I was singing this to him, to us.
To every goddamn mistake we’d made.
“You fall away from your past
But it's following you”
It was a goodbye.
“You left something undone; it's now your rerun
It's the one you can't erase
You should have made it right, so you wouldn't have to fight
To put a smile back on your face”
Luke’s big blue eyes never left mine.
It was like he was making sure I was still here.
Weird.
“You fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away”
And here came the lyric confessions.
Maybe I should sign up to a therapist or something, because as soothing as getting my thoughts out through song was, it so was not worth the drama afterwards.
“Something I've done that I can't outrun
Maybe you should wait maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone”
The talk of running in the bridge was scarily accurate.
I knew it, Jo knew it, and hell even Luke probably knew it.
“And you fall away from your past
But it's following you
You fall away
It's following you.”
I trailed off and acknowledged the crowd’s raucous applause with a huge smile.
“Thank you all!” I said, sincerely, my gaze finding Luke’s again. “For everything.” Then I turned my gaze and smile back onto the fans. “This isn’t the end of Delilah Cook!”
Well, not for everyone.
Then I clambered down off the stage, my guitar in hand. I left the mic and stool up there, knowing one of them would want to use it, they all had instruments.
Ash, Cal and Mike acknowledged me with a nod as they went onto the stage, grinning out at the audience.
Even Cal? Maybe I’d cleared up more than I’d hoped to with my song.
But Luke…
I turned when I felt his hand touch my waist.
It was achingly familiar, and my heart splintered for what I was about to do.
“That song was beautiful.” Luke whispered, over the other boys’ words and the cheers of the crowd. “It was…”
“Right.” I murmured.
“I’ll see you after the show?” Luke urged, staring me down with his irresistible blue eyes. “We’ll talk then. And, Del, I’m sorry.”
I looked up then, and was immediately trapped in his oceanic gaze.
His blue eyes were filled with indefinable emotion and anxiousness tugged at my stomach.
Because he knew. Somehow, Luke had picked up on emotions and he knew I was going to try and run.
He thought he had me cornered, that I would want to wait and hear him speak before I left.
The old Delilah would have.
But the new Delilah only wanted what was best for the boy she loved, even at the cost of her own happiness.
And Luke deserved his freedom away from me and my messy life.
I forced a smile as I memorised him for the last time. “I know you are. Now go have fun, rockstar.”
He gave me a genuine smile and bounced up onstage, grinning out at the audience and engaging in cheerful banter with the boys.
When the familiar sound of Unpredictable could be heard, I knew it was my cue to leave. Luke would be lost in the song and wouldn’t notice me now.
I sent a glance out to the other three girls.
Jules kept her gaze completely on the boys, but Em and Stella were watching me.
I offered a small smile and wave, both of which were returned.
At least they didn’t hate me anymore.
In fact, no one seemed to.
Except Jules.
But that was a whole other story.
Jules hated people cheating more than she hated anything.
And then she’d thought I’d become one of the people she hated most.
I understood why she was acting like this, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
With a sigh, I stopped walking and turned back to face the scene, hoping to burn it into my memory forever.
Hyde Park, smelling of happiness, summer and sweat, ringing with dozens of female voices singing along the familiar lyrics and the sun beaming down.
Jules, with her arms folded and her gaze straight, but watching Ashton, completely in awe.
Stella, completely and unashamedly rocking out to the beat of the song.
Em, smiling all over her pretty face and fist-pumping…massive trust.
Ashton, nodding his head in time with his hands as he slapped the weird drum seat thing, creating the beat.
Michael, strumming away on his guitar and flicking his hair out of his eyes.
Calum, strumming and grinning cheekily at the fans, his eyes glued to the swaying Em.
And finally Luke. Luke, with his blonde hair almost gold in the sunlight, his beautiful eyes closed in concentration as he sung the lyrics honestly. I memorised this moment, his sharp nose wrinkling slightly and his long fingers darting skillfully across the guitar strings.
I watched and I smiled.
And then I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and walked away.