The heart can break easily. What hurts the most is for your heart to be wripped from your chest.
Caden’s POV.
I dream all night without Luca by my side. He’s in every one of them. He smiles at me, takes my hand, and guides me through our future. At least what I hope our future will be like. He’s happy, smiling, and laughing. Our eyes meet several times and his grin widens. I love watching him. Every move he makes, every breath he takes, it’s like we’re connected. Like I can feel him moving and living and breathing. I can, too. I watch him watching me. It’s so obviously a dream because he doesn’t have the scar on his face. It’s no longer weighing him down. It feels strange to see him without it. Like part of my beautiful angel is missing. I know he hates his scar, but I’ve always associated it as being part of him. And I love him so much. Scar or no scar, he’s perfect to me.
The dream changes pretty quickly, though. One minute we’re both laughing and smiling. Luca’s lying on my chest, his eyelashes fluttering as he watches me. Then he’s starting to sit up and when I try to pull him back he distances himself from me. It’s like he doesn’t want me to touch him anymore. It hurts. A lot. My hands start to shake as Luca explains why we’re better off not being together. It’s not the same reason my Luca would say this. He tells me it’s because he knows he can do better – which I already know. He wants to find someone smarter than me. I look into his eyes, but he’s not my Luca. He’s cold. The way he talks isn’t even what I’m talking about. The soul has been sucked from his eyes. His words are cold and to the point. Not a bit of kindness comes off them. This isn’t my Luca. My Luca would never say anything like this to anyone.
“Caden!” A hand smacks my arm and I grunt. “Fuck, Caden. Wake the fuck up.”
Slowly, I open my eyes to see Ty looming over me. He’s scowling. For a second I contemplate beating the shit out of him for hitting me. But I quickly decide I’m grateful for him. The nightmare’s over now and I’ll have my Luca back in my arms very soon. I roll over on the bed and throw my legs over the side, groaning as my legs ache from whatever I did during the night catches up with them. I feel like my bones are breaking. Everything aches right now. And I feel like someone has beaten me with a hammer or something. Why does it have to hurt so fucking much?
Crap. It hurts like hell.
“Sorry, dude. Did I wake you?” I ask. Already knowing what his answer will be. He doesn’t answer for a second and I wonder if he’s pissed at me for some reason. I feel like shit for even thinking I was going to hit him. If I didn’t have a headache right now, I probably would apologise to him. But I do have a hell of a sore head and something… Something really has me freaked out because of that nightmare. Never again. I promise myself. Never again.
“You could say that. I swear to God, I thought you were gonna hurt yourself. You really were out of it. What happened? Did you have a nightmare or something?”
I nod slowly. “Well, I had something. Don’t ask me what. I really don’t know.”
He walks out of the room and I start to change. Excitement bubbles inside me at the thought of meeting Luca. I’m really glad we don’t have to spend a lot of time apart. Being neighbours has some advantages. A lot of them, actually. I’ll be able to practically like at his house, even if my parents warn me against overstaying my welcome. I’ve already been invited by Maria and Angelo. Eliana was too busy scolding him to really comment. But she was no less welcoming than normal. In fact, yesterday was an amazing day when all is said and done. I have my beautiful boyfriend, my family, my health, and some great friends. And yes, Leah is included in that. She’s been a really great friend to Luca, she loves my cousin, and I actually think she’s alright now that know she won’t go after the love of my life.
Walking down the stairs, I pause when Ty throws something at my head. “What the fuck?!” I shout and he smirks.
“Thought you could do with a wake-up call. There ya go.”
I chase after him, laughing when he slams head-on into the glass patio doors. He curses and holds his face in his hand. Mom comes into the kitchen and groans, grabbing his arm and pulls him down into a chair. She tends to his lip. They actually look like they’ve been cut or something. It’s pretty funny. The klutz is even worse than I am with injuries. And it’s funny as hell when it’s not me. She looks more annoyed by the minute and eventually tells me to go get myself some breakfast. Dad walks in at that moment and looks totally bemused. I smirk and walk over to the cabinet with all our cereals. Mornings like this are great, but I really miss my Angel. He should be here right now, laughing and enjoying the morning with me. Instead, he’s being the wonderful person I love and spending time with his sister and niece. My angel’s an uncle now. It’s really very cool.
I eat my bowl of cereal while Ty glares at me across the table. His eyes are fixed on me, his mouth pressed into a tight line. Dad looks between the two of us, a brow raised in silent question. Neither of us answers, but Ty growls low in his chest and kicks me under the table. It hurts like a son of a bitch, but I don’t flinch. I’m not gonna let him see he actually hurt me. It would only make him happy. And I’m not in the happy giving mood. He probably knows that because the scowl on his face is aimed at me. I sit back in the chair and look at him. It feels good. But I really can’t wait to get Luca back here.
“Have you spoken to Luca today?” Dad asks me.
“No, not today. I’ll go to collect him in a while. But he’ll want to spend some time with his family for now.”
“That’s a very grown up thing to say,” dad tells me proudly.
I smile. “Yeah, well, he’s not leaving my bedroom once I get him home. Not for a few hours at least. But it’ll probably be days.”
“And his grown upness has just left the building.” Ty chuckles. Honestly, though, what do people expect? I’m only human after all. And I love Luca. What guy wouldn’t be head over heels in love with someone like him?
“Meh. What do you two want from me? You can’t expect me to not want to touch him every chance I get.”
Dad smacks the back of my head. “We might be open about a lot of things, son. But I don’t need to hear all your personal business. Especially that sort of personal business.”
“Sorry, sorry,” I mutter, rubbing the back of my head.
He grunts again and pushes away from the table and takes his mug with him. It’s Ty’s turn to smirk at me. It reaches his eyes too and I can’t stay mad at him. Not when he’s as cool with the discussion as he is. Most guys would have called me names or cursed me out. And it means a lot to me. I have the coolest cousin in the world. Yeah, it’s sappy. But Luca’s helped me embrace my sappiness. I’m now able to admit I love my family and my boyfriend without worrying about what people think of me. I love the feeling of freedom, of not giving a shit what people think of me. It’s really a grounding experience too. I’m not so amazing that people can’t touch me. Touch Luca or hurt him and you really could break me. I can be broken through the owner of my heart.
I step into the shower, washing away the nightmare from the night before. Images from the dream flash through my mind. They haunt me in the shower. In the small cubicle, I feel claustrophobic almost. And I’ve never had an issue with enclosed spaces before. But I’ve never had a nightmare where my heart was literally ripped out of my chest before either. I think, for me anyway, that’s one of the biggest signs of how much Luca means to me. Even thinking about the Luca from my dream makes my knees weak and my stomach churn. God. I hope I never have to put up with a Luca like him. I love my angel with all my heart. But that was not my angel. Not even when he was suffering in silence was he like that. It was even cold. It was close to how I imagine Michael.
Once I finish in the shower, I turn the water off and step out. I dry myself off quickly and head back downstairs. Ty’s waiting in the living room. I can see the back of his head over the sofa. He must be hunching over. Because normally he would be a lot taller than the back of the sofa. But I can barely see his head now.
“What’re you up to, Ty?” I ask as I step through the doorway. I don’t feel like sitting so I recline against the doorjamb and watch him.
“Ugh, I’m just playing a video game. Wanna join me?” He asks.
I shake my head and turn on my heel. For a few minutes, I pace the house. Going upstairs, into my bedroom, back downstairs, outside. Basically, I pace all over the house until Ty comes looking for me. He finds me outside. I’m just standing there. In my back garden. Watching the birds in a tree nearby. I’m not normally like this. Actually, I would normally have something to work on. One of my cars or maybe teasing Ty. Instead, I’m standing here like a fucking girl. I’m missing Luca. I don’t even know why because he’s at the hospital. It’s just a bad feeling or something in my chest. Probably because of the dream last night.
“Why don’t you go see him now?” Ty says as he approaches me.
“I don’t want him to feel like we can’t spend one night apart,” I mutter more bitterly than I intend. “It’s not like I can just walk into her room anyway. I’m not technically family. Yes, I was there yesterday. But we were outside most of the time. I doubt they’d let me in to see her now.”
He stands in front of me and his hands rest on my shoulders.
“Is everything okay? You seem on edge all of a sudden. Was it your nightmare?”
“I dunno.” It’s the truth. “I just feel a bit off. Like something bad is happening or going to happen. I hate not knowing what it is.”
Ty doesn’t smile this time. “Normally I’d say you were losing it or something. But I know what it’s like with you and Luca. Maybe we should drive there now and wait out in the waiting room. At least you’ll be near him.”
“Maybe...” I can’t think of a reason not to. “You want to come?”
He punches me lightly. “Luca’s just as much my brother as you are now. Of course I want to come. If for no other reason than to make sure he’s okay.”
“Okay,” I say. “Let’s go before I change my mind.”
We walk through the house, saying goodbye to my parents as we pass them in the hall. Mom looks happy. She smiles at me as I pass and pats me on the back of the head like I’m doing the right thing. I sure hope so. Because I wouldn’t want to do something wrong where Luca is concerned. Sure, it’s not easy when I don’t know if I’ll say something wrong. But it’s also exciting. He keeps me on my toes I guess you could say. Although, I’m sure he could say the same thing about me if you ask him, I guess that’s the way a relationship is meant to be. Give and take, and all that other shit thrown in. Funny. I don’t mind dealing with his shit. It’s my own I hate dealing with. And as I get ready to get in the car. I come face to face with Beth. She’s heavily pregnant. Great. Just my fucking luck.
“Why don’t you ask me about our baby, Caden?” Her voice is so shrilly I just want to tear my ears out.
“Because, a, it’s not my baby. And, b, you, and I have no reason to talk. Now, leave me alone, Beth.”
I try to get into my car but her hand on my car door stops me. I’m getting frustrated very quickly and it’s not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. She’s going to push me until I say or do something I’ll regret. Then I’ll be the one left feeling bad. It’s not the baby’s fault. It’s not the baby’s fault. I chant the mantra over and over again. Trying to remember that as she speaks.
“Well, I think you need to wake up and see sense. You don’t know what you’re doing to yourself being with that fag. He’s no good for you, Caden. And I could be very good for you. The sex between us could be great, and I would be able to give you children. He can’t do any of those things. Not to mention the fact he’s already let his daddy screw him.” She says the last part snidely.
I take a step closer to her. Making sure I don’t hurt the baby inside her.
“Listen to me, you little bitch. You don’t know me or Luca. He’s a trillion times better than you will ever be. He’s not a slut. And the fact you could blame a victim for something like that shows how disgusting you really are. And make no mistake, even if I didn’t have Luca. I would never, ever, ever date you. Never. Even thinking about it makes me want to puke!”
“You’re going to pay for that, Caden.” I think she really does believe that, too.
This time she doesn’t stop me and I slam the car door behind me. The sound of her voice has given me a major headache. I can’t even take anything for it. Ty looks at me like he’s fighting his own headache. Maybe I should apologise for that. But he does know I’ve never encouraged her, so there isn’t a lot I can do. We stay completely silent. I don’t know if it’s because of what happened with Beth or we just don’t have anything to say, but it’s definitely not a comfortable silence. Ty looks as awkward as I feel at the moment. Neither of us looks at the other but I know he wants to because I can feel the tension rolling off him in buckets. It’s not supposed to be like this between us. I’m sure he can feel my anger, but he’s normally telling me to lighten up or something. And now he’s not. It makes my gut clench. I know something bad is going to happen. How could I know? You might ask. Well, the simple answer is it’s obvious he thinks something bad will happen. If he didn’t. He would be chatting my ear off.
“Come on, dude. Let’s go see that boy of yours.” Ty tells me as I stop the car.
I stop him before he can get out. “Think she’ll try something?” It’s all I can find the courage to ask. I’m chicken shit when it comes to thinking about Luca being hurt by anyone.
“I think… I think she’ll definitely try something.”
“Yeah,” I say dejectedly, and climb out of the car. It’s not easy to know he could be right. Nothing about this type of shit is easy. But I know I have to keep it together for Luca’s sake.
“Isn’t Luca with you?” The voice startles me and I elbow Ty in the face. He catches me, luckily, before I fall on my big fat ass.
I look up at Dante whose face has gone white. Now, let me tell you something, white on Dante does not look good. Especially not the type of white I’m talking about. He looks like a corpse. And I’ve seen better looking corpses on TV. No. He doesn’t look good at all. And then it clicks with me what he asked and I stand up straight. Panicked. I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I try again. Still no luck. But the lump in my chest in growing.
“No. We came here to see him,” Ty finally says. “Isn’t he here?”
Dante shakes his head. “He left about forty minutes ago. I thought he would have gotten back to your place by now. Or at least have called. Have you not heard anything?”
As he’s finishing off the sentence, I try to call Luca. But it goes to voicemail after the first couple of rings. My heat races in my chest and I pull away from Ty’s grip and try again. And again. Eventually, I’m standing there frantically trying to call Luca while Dante is calling someone else and Ty is trying to calm me down. My whole body is shaking. It’s not like Luca to just disappear into thin air. He’s getting better. He was getting so much better. And the improvements in him had been obvious; he had made so much progress in the last couple of months. I know something bad has happened to him. It makes all the sense in the world now. And I might not get my angel back.
“Mom hasn’t seen him either. And Aria was with me when he left. We can’t tell her yet. She’s just had a baby,” Dante sounds really worried now. Not that I can blame him.
“I’ll call mom and see if he turned up at the house.” I say before pulling out my phone and calling her. Of course, when she answers and has no idea what I’m talking about when I ask to speak to Luca, my heart sinks. Explaining the situation to her is tough because emotion clogs my throat, making it hard for me to speak properly, let alone explain whatever is going on. And hearing her say the words I don’t want to hear doesn’t help. In fact, I feel like screaming and breaking down right now. I don’t know how I’ll cope without Luca. I need my angel. I want my angel back.
“What the hell should we do now? Want me to drive around and look for him?” Ty asks Dante as I sit on the ground. Literally, sit on the ground. I can’t be bothered to get up and walk inside to sit down.
Dante looks down at me then back at Ty. “Yeah, if you could. Take my car. Call if you find him.”
Ty leaves and Dante sits beside me. He slings his arm around my shoulder and gives me a half hug.
“You know, I’m just as worried as you are.” He looks at me as if he’s daring me to dispute that. “Just because you sleep in the same bed as him doesn’t mean you worry more than the rest of us. Don’t forget, I used to sleep with him at night when he was a kid. Yeah, you and he have a great relationship. But it’s not about you. Just like it isn’t about me. It’s about us getting Luca home.”
I wipe away the tears falling from my eyes. “I know. I know. You don’t have to tell me any of that.”
“I don’t really think you do. But trust me, Caden, I know how you feel. I’m worried about telling nonnino, nonnina, and Aria. Trust me, you don’t want that job. Telling mamma was hard enough. But they’re old,” he says talking about his grandparents. “And, Aria’s recovering from surgery.”
He’s right, of course. But I don’t know how he can be as calm as he is. He’s like Aria described him a few months ago. Only I know he’s not cold or uncaring. Actually, I can see the pain inside his eyes. He knows better than any of us what Luca went through. I have so much respect for him. And not just because of shit like that, but because he loves Luca so openly and freely. He never stops to worry how people will see him. He wants what’s best for his brother and he does everything he can to make sure Luca gets the best of everything. I think it kills him when he knows Luca’s hurting. I know it does me.
“I’ll go with you, to tell Aria, I mean.” He shoots me a sideways glance and smiles sadly.
“Thanks, Caden. I can see why my brother loves you so much.”
We stand together and look up at the window in Aria’s room. He motions for me to walk in first and I do my best to put one foot in front of the other. It’s hard. I feel like sitting on the ground again and crying. I just want to cry and sob and make whoever has Luca pay. I feel uneasy in the elevator. Trying to calm my nerves is doing absolutely no good. I still feel like I’m hyperventilating; only this time I don’t have Luca to look at to calm me. The last time I felt like this Luca was in a hospital bed after he tried to kill himself before my very eyes. But this time I don’t have the reassurance to look at him. He isn’t here for me to stroke and keep safe. He’s at the hands of some monster and I don’t even know who. There are so many possibilities.
“Hey,” Aria says as we walk into the room. Baby Mackenzie is asleep in her arms.
I smile. “Hey. How are you and the little one doing?” I try to keep my voice as natural as possible.
“We’re doing good,” Aria grins. And then her face falls. She looks at me and Dante, her eyes widening as she takes in the lack of enthusiasm on our faces. Or, maybe she realises I’m here without Luca. Either way, she looks like she’s about to burst into tears and it’s not a nice sight to witness.
“What’s wrong? Where’s Luca? Why isn’t he with you?” She looks at her older brother. Her tears fall freely now. “Dante. Where is our baby brother?” She cries and it breaks my heart to see her so upset. Even her baby doesn’t seem to calm her down at the minute.
“Shh, baby girl. You need to calm down and think of Mac now. Let us worry about, Pooh Bear. Kay?” His voice is soft, gentle, calming.
She starts shaking and my heart breaks for her.
“Don’t tell me that. I can’t not worry about him. He’s my brother, too. He’s my brother!” She sounds like a frightened little girl. And just then, Maria walks in. My mom on her heel.
“Where’s Luca?” Maria asks her son as she walks into his arms. “Where is my baby boy? Where?”
Dante holds his mother while he fills her, Aria, and my mom in on everything we know so far. It’s not easy to hear him talk as bluntly as he does. I’m glad it’s him and not me, that’s for sure. But I feel guilty for not looking, for not knowing something was going to happen. I am plagued with guilt because I feel like it’s all my fault. Damn, I want my angel back so much and all I can do is throw a pity part? When he’s God knows where, with God knows who? I feel like shit for not being as strong as he is. Hell, as strong as Dante is. It’s even more obvious in a situation like this. They’re stronger than I am because at least they aren’t falling apart the way I am. I’m just a blubbering mess inside and my brain is overactive and I can’t really think properly and I’m wasting a lot of time.
Someone pulls me into their arms, shocking me enough to make me stull, but when I see it’s Maria, I allow her to hug me. Thinking it’s what she needs. But then her voice is in my ear, offering soothing words, I realise she’s trying to comfort me. I feel silly like this, but no one seems to care. Actually, people seem to expect it. Not as a failure. But because I love Luca. Everyone knows that. And it’s why they want me to cry about it because things are bad and everyone needs to feel. Sometimes feeling hurts more than we would like. But it’s what we need to do to survive the big bad world out there. Mom comes around my other side and the two women hug me tightly.
“We have to tell gran and granddad, too. They’ll freak out if they hear it from others.” Aria’s voice breaks through the tense silence in the room.
“I can do that. I’m sure they’ve figured out already that something’s wrong.”
Mom smiles kindly at them. “I can ask Charlie to do it. He’s at home waiting to hear from me. I’m sure he won’t mind going over to let them know. He could stay with them while we look, too. I don’t think it’s a good idea for your grandfather to go out searching.”
Dante looks hesitant at first, but mom doesn’t back down. “Look. I know you don’t think someone on the outside should do it. But I don’t see you leaving the hospital yet and at least Charlie will be able to tell them face to face.”
“Okay. You can ask Charlie. But I can always go home if he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it.” Dante nods at her as if to prove he’s okay with this.
Mom lets me go and walks out the door. I pray dad will agree to talk to Angelo and Eliana. It wouldn’t be right to have them find out over the phone, or for Dante to have to leave. I can tell he doesn’t want to. Hell, I don’t want to either, but I would leave if it meant he could stay. I love those two like they’re my grandparents and I don’t want to think about them hearing this horrible news without someone there to comfort them and help them through this shitty, shitty time. Luca wouldn’t want to see them worry either. That’s one thing I don’t have to be told. I know how my angel would feel and it kills me to think he could come home to something less than happiness.
“You should sit down, Caden. You don’t look too good,” Aria’s voice is very soft. Almost like she’s trying not to disturb me.
I look at her, but my legs give out from under me before I can say anything. Dante catches me in time and I don’t actually land on the floor. But I feel weaker all of a sudden. This isn’t how things are supposed to work out. I feel like absolute shit for not looking for Luca. I’m just wasting time, not doing enough. I should be doing a whole lot more. I should be doing something anyway. Maybe not something huge, but something. I should… I should do something now. Yeah, I’ll just get up and do something.
A hand presses on my shoulder and I look up at a frowning Maria. “You will stay with us. You’re family now, and we stick together in our family. This…. Whatever this is, you will not face it alone. We will help you through this.”
“Thank you,” I say brokenly.
She smiles kindly at me and starts talking to Dante. To be honest, she sounds like she’s ordering him around. Knowing the family, though. I know this is how they work. The women take charge in bad situations and the men rely on them for guidance and direction. It’s the exact same with Eliana, who leads, and Angelo, who follows. I admire that because it’s kind of like Luca and me. He leads me when he knows what’s best and vice versa. Although, I think he leads me more than I do him. It’s because he’s so smart and I’m just, well, me.
“Charlie’s gone over there now,” mom announces as she walks back into the room, her phone clutched to her chest.
“Thank you so much, Abi. You’ve been a great friend.”
My mom hugs Maria and I can see how close they really are. Like sisters. My mom’s never had a sister before. I think having Maria as one is good for her. She looks happy, happier –which I didn’t think was possible – than before. And Maria looks grateful to have mom there, too. Even if she does have her own set of siblings. Hell of a lot of them. She still has time to see my mom, her friend, as a sister. It shows what a cool woman she really is. Normally people from happy families keep family as family and friends as friends. But they seem to want more family. Not friends. Family. They’ve accepted all of my small family into their humongous one. It’s actually surreal and cool all at the same time. Though, I don’t know if I like all of them. That cousin of Luca’s still pops into my head from time to time.
The next few hours pass by in a bit of a blur. Ty doesn’t come back, but when he does he hasn’t got Luca with him. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach when I see him. And the fact he doesn’t look great either makes me wonder what he saw or didn’t see. Maybe he’s just like me, I tell myself. Maybe this whole thing is just getting to be too much for him. It’s not like this situation is something we’re used to. The longer we go without hearing anything, the more my heart sinks. I feel like I’m watching Luca drown and I can’t stop him, but I want to so very badly. You know, it’s almost like watching him slit his wrists all over again. Yeah, it was painful thing I have ever watched, but this is just as bad.
“Maria’s going back to the house; she wants us to go, too. You ready?” Ty asks beside me. His eyes watering slightly.
I shake my head. “I think I’ll stay here so Dante can go.” I look over to where Dante’s sitting. “You go home. I’ll stay with Aria and Mackenzie. You haven’t left in over a day.”
“No. The two of us will stay here. We can keep an eye on Aria and take turns eating and showering. Someone will probably drop us in clothes.” Ty interrupts at that moment. “Yeah, I’ll bring you some clothes in about an hour.”
Dante nods. “See, we can stay and we won’t have to do a whole lot. But I’m not leaving my sister and I know you won’t want to leave either.”
I shake my head and sigh, knowing it’s all sorted now is a relief. I don’t know what I want to do. What I do know is what I want. I want Luca back. I want this feeling to go away. And I never want to live through any more drama. Even thinking about how bad this could be makes me want to puke. I have no control over any of this. But I damn sure don’t want to think about how Luca could be dead. He was still alive a few hours ago and I saw him yesterday. He was in my arms yesterday morning and he’s been with his siblings since he left my sight. Now we don’t have any idea where is he is. It’s one of the worst things in the world. My worst nightmare is coming true and I have no idea how I’m going to make this all okay. Will it ever be okay again?
“He could be dead,” Aria whispers a few hours after everyone leaves. She looks down at her daughter. “Luca could be dead and we don’t know how to find him.”
“Don’t even think like that,” Dante says.
But she doesn’t give up. “It’s the fucking truth and you know it. Look. None of us want to face it. But he’s been gone for hours now and I… I have a bad feeling about things.”
I rush off the seat and into the bathroom. Everything in my stomach comes up as I think about all the horrible things that could be happening to Luca. It’s all made worse when I think about him not coming home. Tears burn my eyes as I try my best not to hurl up my guts. A soothing hand on my back gives me some encouragement, but it’s not Luca’s hand. And maybe, just maybe, it might never be his hand again. Is there anything worse than that? No. Not for me anyway. Dante keeps me squatting because my legs are like jelly under me. I can’t keep myself up at all. Everything that makes me happy has been ripped from my heart and I might never get it back. Hell, my heart is gone. Because that’s what he is. My heart.
“Shh,” he soothes. “She doesn’t mean it. And you know what Aria’s like. She can forget herself sometimes.”
He helps me to stand and guides me to the chair. I can feel the tears and vomit on my skin. Someone cleans my face. Not that it does any good. I don’t know how anyone copes with this sort of thing. They say people go missing all the time. Well, if that’s the attitude of people, I would hate to see how they would react if it happens to them. This isn’t something to shrug off. It’s not something to be taken lightly. Especially not when it’s someone as vulnerable as Luca is. He needs to be protected and he needs to feel safe. Right now, if he’s alive, he doesn’t feel safe. He’ll panic and something bad will happen to him because of that. I’m starting to think I should have kept him by my side.
“Oh my God, I am so sorry. Oh God, Caden. I didn’t mean any of that. You know what I’m like.” She sounds worried. Just like me. But I can’t comfort her. There’s some reason I can’t… I can’t… I… I don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. Why am I not looking for Luca?
I look up at her. It feels like I’m slipping from my body. Falling into a black hole with no hope of ever getting back out. Why is this happening? Doesn’t Luca deserve more than what he’s gotten so far?
Dante holds a cup to my lips. I swallow the water. It feels cold as it slides down my throat. I hate feeling like I could live longer than Luca. If he’s dead, why are they trying to save me? Why? I’m not supposed to live without him. This isn’t part of the plan. We should be happy. Celebrating. I want to celebrate him becoming an uncle. Not hoping he’s not dead. Could he be dead? Would life be that cruel and take him away from me? Yes. It’s proven that time and time again. Life can be seriously cruel sometimes. I mean, how many people have to suffer before God or whoever controls things decides we’re good enough to be happy? I know for a fact Luca never did anything that bad. Yet he’s being punished and the likes of Michael and Jaxon around aloud some level of happiness.
“Sorry, I’ve got to take this,” Dante mutters on his way out.
I nod, saying nothing. “You know, we’re probably overreacting. I think we’ll all go to sleep and realise this has all been a huge-“
“No. We’re right. Something’s not right about everything. Maybe that’s why Dante got the call.” My voice is void of emotion.
“Yeah, I don’t even want to think about any of this.” She looks remorseful the moment our eyes meet. “Shit. Sorry, sorry. I’m really sorry, Caden.”
“Me too, Aria. I’m so fucking sorry your brother’s missing. But we’ll get him back.”
She doesn’t believe me. I can tell. Honestly, neither do I. But I have to say the words. Maybe saying them will make things better inside my head. She just nods slightly. Her smile isn’t bright, though. It’s forced like everything in this horrible situation. Maybe we’re all forcing things. Forcing things to go right. Making things seem happier than they really are. Luca would never have run away. But are these things happening because I didn’t make him happy enough?
When Dante walks back in the room, he looks distraught and more than a little pissed. He can’t look me in the eye. Even when I try to coax his eyes to look at mine, they don’t. Instead, he sits on the chair and puts his head in his hands. Not once does he speak. He just sits there. His shoulders shake, maybe he’s crying. Maybe he’s not. To be honest, it’s hard to tell one way or the other. It could just as easily be anger. Whatever it is, he’s not taking it well. He just looks so small sitting there and I feel like someone is trying to punch me in the gut. My mouth goes dry the longer time passes. Nothing feels right. Aria looks at me and she looks back at her brother, then back at me. We stare at each other. Unsure. I don’t know which of us asks, but eventually he says the words that make my heart shatter in a million pieces.