***WARNING: This chapter contains sensitive material, and some readers may not be comfortable reading. Please use caution, and skip parts you cannot handle.***
Thank you and enjoy my lovelies. I cannot believe we have reached the penultimate chapter! This one is to all the ladies who have had the pleasure of tasting the beauty of motherhood in one way or another. Bismillah!
The morning was raw and youthful, the sun just about ready to wake up from its deep and subdued slumber. My hands were cupped in their fragile stature as I held them in front of my wretched face and eyes, and my wedding band and engagement ring wobbled in the midst of my thin finger. The twinkling crystal of hydrogen bonds were noiseless as the crisp Autumn breeze swayed them in their escapade.
I was on my knees, with my slim hands raised in forgiveness and mercy as I whispered the words of tragedy under my breath to Allah, and only He could understand every emotion, every aggravation, and every ending to every beginning. I could hear the crunchy leaves painted with mahogany, mustard, and ebony rustle underneath the balcony of our master bedroom as the sheer linen curtains danced celestially only to bow in prostration.
My words were full of gratitude as each syllable whooshed through my parched and burning lips, and I thanked Allah over and over again for all I was given since the day the Dunya graced into my destiny. I prayed for the happiness of my family and loved ones till the last millisecond of their final breath. I asked my Lord to fill their hearts with forgiveness for me whether I had done them any harm through words, actions, or gestures. I pleaded and cried for their hearts to not be broken, but to understand that I wasn't trying to be selfish in my decision. I knew they'd understand, and I knew they'd eventually forgive me because they loved me.
The early crack of dawn was filled with long bows of Rukuh and Sujood as every heartbeat in the house, including the walls I'd trailed my fingers over and the windows I'd greet the morning with prayed with the last single ounce of strength left for what was to be let go that had been held on to for so long.
I slowly dragged my cold hands over my face. The rogue pink pads of my fingertips skimmed over my lips that had a small smile painted on them as I turned my head to the side.
Izhar stood across the room, right by his half of the bed with his arms by his sides, his hands clenched into fists. I was so absorbed in the realm of destiny and fate that I hadn't even noticed Izhar had come back from praying Fajr at the masjid let alone walking into our lonesome bedroom. I met his somber eyes as my head involuntarily turned to the left, and a small smile couldn't help itself from curling up my lips as my eyes drank in his roguish sight.
His deep cerulean blue and wooden brown eyes pierced through my body even though there were shadows of slaved darkness in the room with the curtains tightly drawn in. His red wine and cherry lips were pursed under his tousled and fearsome hair, a soft halo of light forming around his broad shoulders covered with a mahogany sweater and black buttoned shirt he wore underneath.
"AsSalaamualaikum, you're back," my voice rang through the room with a full blown smile stretched across my sore face.
I had to break the tension between us sooner or later. We were both hurting, and I would not leave him scared and scrounging for answers that he could never find with no one by his side.
"Walaikum asSalaam," his deep and gentle voice cracked the silent walls of our room from the base and all the way to the ceiling as it sent a shiver down my spine into the coral sunrise.
I looked towards the medium lilac Qur'an that sat at the edge of our king-sized bed, waiting for me to turn the delicate pages and finish off what I'd restarted 36 weeks ago. It never took me more than one month to finish the Qur'an if I was studious and kept myself busy with nothing else.
However, ever since the first time, I'd promised myself to prolong it for nine months and absorb the word-laden pages filled with lessons and reminders so my baby knew what this world needed more of before it came into it. Yet, something told me a whole nine months were no longer possible, and I had to finish what I'd started as soon as I could and before it was too late.
I reached for the cool and intricately designed Qur'an Izhar had gifted me over a year ago, and the brief contact with the precious piece of who I was brought back all the memories and moments we'd both faced together and the times that were concurrent from the first. We'd been through so much, and this was the ending of our beautiful forever that would one day continue in a different realm In sha Allah.
I traced my fingers over the baroque cover and spine before asking in a timid and quiet voice, "Will you finish with me?" I turned back to him, and his eyes hadn't moved an inch past from mine. "Please?" I gently pleaded.
Before I could whisper another tune of vivid shyness, Izhar slowly walked to where I sat underneath the sunrise from the balcony doors. His head was casted downwards, a torn expression of grief and endless fight left inside of him as his eyelashes created a shadow across his cheekbones. He crossed his legs next to my bent knees, and his thigh brushed against mine while I turned my finger to the last segment in the Qur'an. I instantly caught my breath as my eyes glazed over the pages, his eyes lingering on me.
I could feel his pleading gaze sear over my face and body like a live current was set on fire and dropped into the calm ocean. I had no strength left inside, and there was nothing but fear in him. The unknown extremity of letting him go had turned into my worst living nightmare, and there was nothing I could do to quiet down the demons in my head.
Izhar's enchanting and enticing voice filled the room with harmony and accompanied my quiet tone as the soft Autumn breeze lulled through the windows of our balcony and swayed amongst the thread of the sheer curtains. The syllables his lips uttered were ignited with betrayal, painted with anger, and divined with conquest for an alternative.
Though his voice was a constant prick of what I'd done to him and how I'd forced him to choose, I let him continue and melodize his pain, sorrow, and aggravation. I lost myself within him as he told me how blessed we were. Allah had sent down His angels to be the witness of our love, and now they watched us with understanding as Izhar's grief dripped through his lips.
They were waiting, and the clock was ticking as the last beats of our synchronized hearts dared to be bent before the other.
******
The air was filled with the aroma of the simmering fresh black coffee in the pot as the eggs sizzled on the stove, and the toaster sprang up with slices of wheat bread. I poured organic orange juice in two crystal Barolo glasses that accompanied the empty round mugs waiting for one black and dark-roasted coffee, and the other with milk and sugar.
I quickly but carefully moved around the gourmet kitchen just in time to scoop out the perfectly light brown and yellow omelet filled with tomatoes, spinach, and green peppers with a hint of salt, a dash of black pepper, and a little bit of paprika and placed it in a triangle plate. I put the toasted bread in a platter with sliced croissants and several types of cheese and spreads and sat the food down one by one on the black marble countertop of the kitchen island.
I'd heard the shower go off right above me only a few minutes ago, cuing Izhar had finished showering and was getting dressed for the day. Though he was opposed to going to work in these last few weeks, Bhaiya had persuaded him that I'd be fine with Sabr and wouldn't be going to work or doing strenuous activities myself. Despite everything that was going on, we all needed some normalcy back in our life before the events caught up with us in a rush.
My condition was far too worse for my own good, and to keep Izhar busy with other things, I had promised to go on vacation before my maternal leave. The hospital and HR department had been understanding without any hint of hesitancy as they let me hand my patients over for the time being. Internally, I had to prepare myself and learn to accept the fact that I'd most likely never see them again, and the vacation was my way of seeing reason and dealing with the loss. Life had become a living and walking anecdote of sorrow, but I was going to fight till the last minute until I succeeded in what I'd promised my baby. I wasn't going to let mundane things from stopping me and continuing the time I had left.
Just as I'd finished positioning the bowl of fat-free yogurt with a sprinkle of honey glazed granola and sliced strawberries next to Izhar's omelette, the faint clicking of his polished Oxfords clanked against the glass slabs of the staircase and then the white marble floor as he rounded towards the open kitchen.
"Breakfast is ready," I said as he walked through the double French doors of the kitchen.
As I moved back, I noticed his tie was slightly skewed to the right without him even noticing as the stubborn lock of his hair fell into his distressed face. His eyes were red and swollen, the area under dark and hollow indicating the reduced number of hours of sleep he was getting since the past few days.
Without saying anything, Izhar sat down his messenger bag and suit coat over the vacant space before settling down in his seat. He looked around as he flattened his tie over his chest and sat down in one of the inviting barstool chairs.
"Where's Sabr?" he asked not noticing Sabr's cheery presence around the house as she rose early like the both of us.
"She went home to grab a few things. She said she'll be back in an hour in sha Allah," I said as I watched his face morph from curiosity to worry. "Don't worry, I'll be fine," I quickly answered before he could ask.
His eyes sharply turned to mine, and I quickly concealed myself to give him a pleasant smile. The mint green shirt he wore was ironed to perfection, the pressed longitude of his dark slacks pinched with articulation over his charcoal socks and polished shoes. He placed his forearms next to his plate as he bent his head back down to look at its contents. His teeth ground inside as he pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes slipping shut, taking a moment of solitude before life moved on too fast for him to catch.
I turned around and grabbed the pot of coffee, taking a minute to breathe through my nose before I turned back towards him and was faced with a live storm. I poured the hot liquid in his classy mug, and the smell wafted through the air between us. Every atom and air molecule felt like it had weighed down a distance between us, and the fumes from between dissolved the bonds till there was nothing left. I gently sat the pot down on a mat placed on the counter, and just as I was about to reach for his left hand that was clutched into a fist next to his plate, his shiny wedding band digging into the skin of his finger, I stopped myself.
My fingers curled up into themselves before his, and I sucked in a breath of confusion and utter guilt as he looked up with his wavering eyes. My eyebrows furrowed, and as I moved away, his fist collapsed under mine and grabbed onto my wrist instead.
A gasp flew between my lips, and one end of the Pashmina shawl wrapped over my frail shoulders and white kameez slipped down. A knot formed behind the bun low on my neck as my head started to throb with anxiety. I needed him, and I wanted him, but it would've been wrong for me to covet him in a time like this where he had to learn to live without my warm body.
I closed my eyes as his gentle grip swallowed my slender and pale wrist. Tears begged and burned their way through my retina and lacrimal glands. Yet, I kept them closed, not ready to succumb into selfishness.
"When you made your decision, you thought about the baby, but for once I want you to think about me from my perspective and not yours. Because I sure hope you know that your decision is not going to just end the most important part of my universe but it's going to kill me alive and steal the surface underneath my feet," his low voice was grave and husky, as if he'd screamed and screamed for hours as tears permanently marred his face leaving stains of blood behind.
My breaths stopped in my throat, and my eyes flew open before I quickly turned back to him. The chocolate brown strands of short layers tucked behind my ears came loose as I met his presence.
His emotion-filled eyes fell to the point right in front of him, and they watched without any perception while my own shamelessly traced his features and the outline of his body. I wanted to hug him till there was no ounce of strength left in me, I wanted to scold him for being so stubborn till my voice was lost, and I wanted to kiss him till he felt nothing but love. But something held me back, and it was my own grief that had brutally murdered the love from within.
My heart broke as I assessed him with scarlet eyes. He looked wrecked and torn, and in that moment I hated myself for doing this to him, and I hated that I had been the one who'd promised the tales of love only to leave him with a lifelong scar that ran deeper than the ones marking his back and his entire past. I'd tainted his soul with the vial of displeased poison as I'd so cruelly stolen the silence from the storm.
I took a step closer to him while my cheeks flushed and as my movement triggered a sense evolvement within him. Instantaneously, he turned in his seat as tears dropped out of both his eyes, the other only a second and half late than the first as he bent his head below me. Though our stubbornness had kept us distant and away from each other I could imagine him kneading his head into my stomach as he sought the only place he could find comfort.
I could feel the way my chin would've dropped to my chest, and my arms and hands deceivingly would have wrapped around his head and shoulders. We would both be silent as his nose trailed over my stomach and he curled his arms around my sharp waist.
"For once, please try to see it from my perspective. I want this baby just as much as you do, but Nour, I can't live without you," his voice was so soft and worrisome, that I couldn't come to say anything to him in return except to pretend that I was holding him while letting him pour his feelings out. "There is no Izhar without his Nour," he tilted his head to the side, his eyes cascading with a silent plea.
We hadn't touched each other minus the brushing of hands and him helping me put my shoes on or comb the tangles in my hair in over the past few days time, but it felt like decades had passed. I'd missed his warm and fond touch, and even in those minutes of brief contact, my shy want for him didn't diminish. I knew I would've laid my cheek in his hair and kissed his head while wrapping my hands around his neck and pushing him to my chest.
"Izhar, you have to live for me, for our baby, and for everyone else. No matter what happens, you need to remember that I will never leave your side. I promise," my voice quivered, and I could almost feel his head shaking against the cotton material of my dress.
Almost.
He would've pulled away and looked up towards me with his now crimson eyes, and I would have shook my head at him and licked my lips as I cupped his cheeks and ran my raw thumbs under his eyes. He'd have taken my hands in his and kissed every knuckle and finger before continuing. "Don't do to this to me, to us. Izhar is nothing without his Nour! Please, Nouran, please!" he silently begged with a whimper.
"Izhar-" I started, but he was quick to stop me and nothing that I'd imagined through our contact had been real or tangible.
"This is it, isn't' it? You've made your decision, and there's nothing that can change your mind, can it?" his voice was filled with betrayal, and his eyes began to see the madness that had chaotically ensued while his denial rang through frustration.
I let out a ragged sigh, and my eyes ashamedly trailed down to my empty hands. It was ironic how easily life took away the things that it gave you only for a very limited time. It was a constant reminder that this world was running on its own time, and it stopped for no one.
"I can't believe this," he whispered with disbelief as he pushed his chair and got up.
I was no longer capable of forming any words as his distraught face and torn body moved with frenzy and agony. He looked at me with clenched teeth as if he'd wanted to say something, but he remained quiet as he silently shook his head back and forth and ran a hand through the thick locks of his hair.
I let out a sigh and crossed my hands over my stomach, pulling up the shawl to the back of my shoulder. Izhar grabbed his suit coat and bag before walking towards the main door of the penthouse. He hadn't even touched his breakfast let alone drink his coffee, and no matter when my shifts had been, I would always make sure to prepare breakfast and that he ate.
I held the left hilt of my palm to my forehead, moving the pieces of stubborn strands away before watching him turn the knob of the door, ready to walk out.
"Izhar?" I called out, and it was enough to stop him in his tracks as my voice rang with apology.
"Yes?" his voice was curt and firm, but he didn't gaze at me once.
I took a deep breath before making my way towards him, my soft footsteps leaving trails of rhythm on the cool floor that would last a lifetime of memories.
Once I reached Izhar, I stood right in front of him, blocking his way as he looked toward the side with no hint of forgiveness. I reached up to his collar with determined eyes and gently grabbed his tie in my fragile yet strong hold.
"You always used to tie it so perfectly, but you'll have to learn again how to," I smiled up at him with glassy eyes in an attempt to make him lighten up, but I'd failed miserably.
His crimson eyes perforated mine as he looked back down, and I quickly straightened it. "If you're not going to eat here, then I'm going to call Adam and make sure you eat something at the office," I said and trailed a finger over his laryngeal prominence.
He sucked in a breath, and his head involuntarily fell towards my ear. My eyes stared at the knot in his tie, and I fixed the lapels of his coat that he'd put on in a rush. "Goodbye baby bug's love. Be nice at work, and don't stress too much," I smiled at myself despite my whisper quivering with a flood of emotions.
He didn't touch me, but we were closer than we had been in days, and I relished every second of it while his breaths coated the tips of my ear.
"Make sure you eat lunch on time with no work, and don't give Adam Chachu a hard time. Mommy loves you and misses you terribly. So please come home soon tonight," I said in a shy breath of a whisper before I closed my eyes and tears muffled out on their own accord.
They were terribly deceiving.
Izhar didn't move from where he towered over me with his head next to my ear and nose a few inches above my aching shoulder. I was tired, and the exhaustion had me leaning into him for support. Even though he was still not physically touching me, I had found comfort in his mere presence.
A tear trailed down my cheek and over my lip before it plinked down some place unknown to the rest of the world. I opened my eyes and grazed my knuckles over his darkened shadow upon his jawline and whispered, "Daddy didn't give mommy a goodbye kiss."
I stood on the tips of my toes and moved my head up to leave a lingering kiss on his opposite cheek. I savored the musky smell that he'd filled my lungs with before pulling away and slowly walking to the side to let him go. I smiled to myself as I waited for him. He exhaled a shattered breath before looking towards me and opening the door and walking out.
I'd damaged him beyond repair.
******
The next day I had been feeling awfully sore, and every part of my body was throbbing. The pain in my lower back had been increasing with the hour, and the abdominal pain was constant. The ribs I'd cracked on my left side were starting to heal, but too much movement would cause a flare of pain to strike up the entire left side of my body.
We were prepared for anything to happen, and both Jamilah and Bhaiya had already made sure things were ready for any emergency situation. As per Jamilah's prediction, the entire obstetrics department was entirely sure that the baby was going to be due soon.
I had had an appointment earlier in the day before Izhar had left for a meeting, and Jamilah made sure she checked everything. She'd told me that my cervix was dilated a full centimeter but had sent me home since this was the first pregnancy I was scheduled to actually deliver, and it took longer the first time around. I couldn't stand for too long and had to keep drinking fluids constantly because of the dehydration, but she didn't think that I was due till a few more days or a week.
Mama jaan was to come tomorrow afternoon to stay with me in time for when the baby was born. I'd been receiving calls from both my and Izhar's family as they told me all the tips and tricks of how to stay relaxed and active. My emergency baby bag was ready to go, and the nursery was all set, except for the gender based accessories. The families were split down the middle with the guess of whether the baby would be a girl or a boy, and it was awfully cute to see them bicker over the gender. Neither or both the partners in a couple agreed on the same gender, and it was hilarious to witness their fights. Some members of the family were neutral and leaving everything to the final moment, but the biases rang clear.
"Appi? Have you and Izhar Bhai thought about any names? We all keep asking, but you two seem to not be giving any details of what you guys have come up with," Sabr asked with a smile as she sat across from me on the L-shaped couch in the living room.
Sabr wore her dark framed glasses, her sleek and straight hair pulled into a ponytail as her creamy skin complimented the baby pink salwar kameez she wore, the sheer dupatta a stark compliment to her complexion. She laid her head on the crown of the sofa as her eyes glittered underneath the ceiling lights from above, her eyes trying to catch any answer in my expression.
I let out a single chuckle as I held the old afghan to my distended stomach. "Amongst the many names you all gave us, we have added a few of our favorites as well," I winked at her, and she gave me a glowing and wide smile.
Her doe eyes sparkled as she bit the side of her raspberry tainted lips and sipped her hot chocolate we'd made together before settling down on the couch. The temperatures had dropped drastically over night, and the first snowfall of the year was to be in the heart of November.
The trees had become barren, the leaves forming the roots around the plinth of the trunks. Mama had joked that the baby would be born in the harshest of weathers just like I had. I was born during one of the largest blizzards in history, and Mama predicted that what with the baby scheduled soon, he or she would be born during the first snowfall of the year.
"Is it mutual between you and Bhai, or do you two get into an argument over the names one or the other comes up with?" Sabr asked curiously as her lips grazed a fond smile and her eyes brightened with interest.
"Your Izhar Bhai likes to make sure the boys have Izhar Khan Jr. somewhere at the end for the boy names and the girls have Khan Jr.," I chuckled softly.
Sabr shook with delicate laughter and curled up next to me. She'd grabbed another blanket and tugged her feet under the soft and plush tresses of the fuzz.
"That's really funny," she said cheekily.
"He likes to fool around, but he does come up with some nice names," I declared before drinking water out of my ice blue tumbler.
"Ah, I see," she nodded at my confession.
"Shh, don't tell him," I winked.
"My lips are sealed!" she said and shook her head in confirmation.
Sabr continued to sip her hot chocolate but then thought of something else and stared at her cup as she traced the rim with her perfectly curved and shaped fingernail. "Appi, may I ask you something if you don't mind?" her voice was scared and timid.
I looked away from my phone that was on the coffee table, waiting for any call from Izhar. It was quarter past nine, and Izhar still wasn't home. Boston roads were known for deadly traffic at an hour like this with the first snowfall ready to shower any hour of the night.
"Huh?" I looked back towards her, knocked out of my trance. "Yes sweetheart, what is it? You know you can ask me anything love," I looked at her, and she fiddled with the handle of her cup.
"I-I don't mean to pry, and I know that this might sound like I'm intruding, but I just hope you and Izhar Bhai are okay. I've never seen you two like this before, so it's scared me. I just.. I just hope you two are okay," her voice was vulnerable like the snowfall that was yet to come, and her eyes nervous while her mind was confused.
It was brutal of us to keep her here while the two of us spoke with silence, but she was smart, and no matter what we or anyone told her regarding Izhar and I, she'd be able to pick out a small misstep in a whole crowd. Izhar and I were just that attuned to each other's presence.
"Sabr meri jaan, you're fine. It's okay, you're my baby sister! You can ask me anything you want," I leaned forward and reached for her hand.
A sharp blow went up my spine, and I groaned under my breath before taking a deep breath. One hand curled around the material of the cotton kameez on my lower abdomen before it relaxed and assured the baby.
"Appi, you okay?" her voice was tender and filled with distress as she leaned forward.
My eyes widened before I gulped and answered her with a shaky voice. "Yeah... it's just a cramp. I'm fine," I managed to pant out before deeply breathing in and out.
"You want me to call Bhaiya or Izhar Bhai?" she rubbed my back and looked at me with pure heartbreak as she put her mug down on the table next to her side of the couch.
I shook my head, and managed to smile at her scared face. "No my baby, I'm fine. It's okay, it's just a cramp. Give me a minute please," I answered, and she quickly nodded.
Once I closed my eyes and inhaled more deep breaths, I opened them back up and looked at her. Sabr observed my every move, and I could feel the calculations going through her head as she tried to decipher what was happening.
"To answer your question," I started with a nod and familiar smile. "Izhar and I are facing a genre of internal tribulation that's complicated on some level, but we both understand how and where it'll possibly lead us. Izhar is a man whose veins are made with determination and a need of finding a solution in every problem. He's a man who's been woven with love, care, and a desire to protect those he loves, and he's the perfect gentleman. He's selfless, and I'm stubborn in my own way. Our need to find a common ground in one other comes naturally Alhamdullilah.
However, sometimes those moments get shadowed and casted away beyond words. At times like that, we both let our silence do the talking because it's more precious and has more weight than any of our spoken words could have. We love each other beyond what we could describe, and that's the beauty of any strong relationship," I finished with a smile as I gently rubbed my hand over my stomach.
Sabr fondly smiled at me and reached out to hold my hand that was perched on the head of the dark leather couch. "That's very admirable ma sha Allah. May Allah always protect you two and the beautiful love you both share," she whispered with smiling eyes.
"Ameen, thank you dear," I whispered and cupped her cheek, wiping the fragile tear that fell down her cheek.
We talked endlessly as the wind howled over the brightly lit crescent moon perched across the large expanse of the penthouse perimeter, trying to keep my mind off of the pain flaring in my lower body. Sabr and I giggled and laughed wholeheartedly, and my heart felt light and content even though the abdominal pain was constantly nagging my lower body.
Even though the night continued effortlessly, I still desired any word from Izhar. No matter how many times Izhar would come home late at night, my stress would never diminish.
Just as I picked up my phone to call Izhar, my heart no longer patient enough to send him a text message, my phone rang while Huda Appi's name flashed across the screen. I smiled to myself before answering with an uplifted voice.
"AsSalaamulaikum," I answered, expecting it to be Huda Appi.
"Walaikum asSalaam Mami! It's Sahar," she said in her overly cute voice intertwined with mischief.
"Haye, how are you meri jaan?" I softly asked.
"I'm good Alham-du-leel-lah!" she chirped ecstatically.
"Alhamdullilah," I answered back.
I could hear Huda Appi's voice in the back telling Sahar to ask me how the baby and I were doing as well like the good manners she'd taught her.
"Sorry Mama! Okay, Sahar will ask now," she said, holding the phone away from her ear.
I laughed before she came back on the phone, and Sabr got up to clean her empty mug and fill my tumbler with more water despite my protests.
"Mami jaan, how are you and my baby braw-ther or sees-ter?" she curiously asked. Papers shuffled in the back with color pencils rolling across a smooth surface.
"We are both doing well Alhamdullilah Mami ki jaan. Thank you for asking," I grinned.
"You're very welcome," she chuckled.
"How are Mama and Baba doing?" I asked and played with the fringe on the old afghan.
"They're both fine. Mami jaan, you know what I made today?" she inquired.
"No darling, what did you make?" I asked curiously as I smiled at myself as her adult tone carried over the phone.
"I made a family pro-trait," I could hear the grin in her voice as she tried to say 'portrait'.
"Really? Who's in the family portrait?" I asked.
"Mama, Baba, Dada jaan, Dadi, Imaan Khala, Izhar Mamu, you, and Sahar!" she finished with a small giggle that made me break into an even wider smile, lifting my whole face with mere joy.
"Wow! Ma sha Allah, I'm sure it's absolutely beautiful," I said.
"Baba said it's just like Picasso!" She pronounced Picasso perfectly.
"I'm sure it is my doll!"
"Oh, oh! Mami jaan, you know who else I drew?" her voice was overly excited.
"Who?" I arched an eyebrow involuntarily with question though she couldn't see me.
"I drew a baby in your arms. It's supposed to be my baby braw-ther or baby sees-ter. The cap is blue and pink, because- because we don't know if it's a boy or girl!" she said.
"Really?" my throat clogged up as she painted vivid dreams of what she'd drawn.
She explained how Izhar and I were standing next to each other with a tiny baby in my arms and her in Izhar's because she was not going to share him with anyone else till she had full proof the baby was real and not a doll.
The smallest gesture had made my heart soar, and her whimsical voice tuned me like a beating cello. Children had that effect on adults, and no matter how old they got, they'd always be the baby of the family. I knew that Sahar would keep an eye out for her baby cousin no matter what happened, and she would keep her loving Mamu on his toes.
"Mami, why do you sound so sad?" she quietly asked after a few moments of humble silence.
She was a very smart child ma sha Allah and wise beyond her years even at 6 years old. "You made Mami so happy with your phone call and drawing, that Mami is crying of happiness," I ran a finger below my eye and Sabr watched me diligently.
There was something in Sabr's eyes that she tried to mask and conceal. But being her sister, I couldn't miss the hint of fear that washed over them.
"Really really?" she asked shyly, breaking me out of my trance.
"Really really," I promised. "Now, you have to promise to come and visit Mami soon, okay? Mami misses her baby doll," I relinquished sincerely.
"Okay, Sahar promises! I love you Mami," she whispered in my ear and made a kissy noise.
"I love you too meri jaan," I looked up towards the fluorescent built-in ceiling lights, and my eyes pooled with tears in the back that threatened to spill over.
******
Izhar had come back shortly after I'd hung up with Sahar, and his distress was written all over his hooded eyes and stretched across the nerves in his body. His tie was loosened, the sleeves of his shirt hastily rolled up to his elbows, and the first two buttons were undone when he'd walked through the door in his black pea coat and wool scarf. Flakes of ice and pecks of melting snow had been scattered over his hair and shoulders, his lips bruised with the cold, but one look at my colorless face, and he'd rushed to me feeling my forehead and neck as he quickly asked Sabr what had happened, forgetting all the differences that had evolved in the past four days time.
After assessing the silent conversation between Izhar and Sabr through their minimal words and body language, I knew Sabr must have texted Izhar about my sudden pain when I was on the phone with Sahar. These two were utterly impossible when it came to keep things low.
Only hours ago, the pain in my pelvic region had intensified, and Izhar and Sahar had to help me get to and fro the bathroom because every step I took felt like I was walking over needles. I couldn't eat much during dinner, but Izhar's deathly gaze had scolded me to silently eat my food without any objection. I had thrown up soon after, and Izhar had forced down liquids when my stomach calmed down for a few minutes.
But it didn't last long as the sensation in my lower abdomen galvanized much like the cramps I was accustomed to once in awhile during my surprise episodes. However, this was even worse if that was possible, and there was no better way to describe the perception then as a dull ache on the verge of prickling pain. Izhar had called the doctor, and we monitored each cramp. The contractions had started, and they were nearly 10 to 12 minutes apart but not constant.
The doctor and surgeons were ready for an emergency C-section, and everything felt surreal. Tears of pain and insurmountable bliss filled my eyes as I felt the contractions for the first time. This was our baby, and Allah had given me the priceless honor of feeling the pain tainted with masked beauty for the first time. Subhan'Allah.
However, the depths under Izhar's eyes had increased. His tiredness was awake on adrenaline, and my condition only made him worse. His whole body was wide awake as if he'd drank more than two cups of coffee the entire day. No matter what I or Bhaiya said over the phone, it was impossible to make him understand that he needed to relax.
The rest of the night had passed with me moaning and panting, taking breaks in between from walking across the room or talking for too long. Once midnight stroke the clock, Izhar had carried me to the bedroom as we bid Sabr goodnight with promises of waking her up if something were to happen. Izhar had quietly shut the door as he had come and sat behind me where I'd been perched on the edge of the bed before moving my hair to the side and massaging the knots of tension in my neck and back. I'd savored the quiet moments of peace and serenity before he asked if I was okay.
I'd assured him that I was just fine and that he should fall asleep. He was stubborn, and it took a good hour or so without wincing in pain before finally getting him to seclude into slumber. And now as he succumbed to the darkness behind his irises, I shamelessly watched his body gently rise and fall under the moonlight that streamed through the thin curtains. His breaths had become labored minutes after he'd closed his eyes, indicating exactly how tired he had been.
We were both in bed, and I rested on the right side of my body, my eyes trailing over his back that faced me with coldness and brutal closure from the rest of the world that tried to pry in. My eyes were wide awake even though the stars had fallen asleep. I tightly clutched my stomach with both my arms, and quietly murmured prayers and Duas under my breath as the pain increased. I kept staring at Izhar's back and losing myself in his presence in order to stay sane of what was happening to my body. I drifted in and out of limited sleep, and I was exhausted as I tried my hardest to not recklessly toss and turn in bed from the ache.
Ya Allah.
It felt like hours had passed relentlessly, but my hair plastered to my forehead with a fine sheen of sweat beading on the rim. I could hear every macromolecule of a sound that escaped through the slits in the windows to the plinking of water inside the faucet of the bathroom. I tried to keep my eyes on the large wide balcony doors, which showcased the first snowfall of the year but my they rolled back into my head, and my breaths hastened.
My back was sticky and a rush went through my body that I couldn't surmise. My whole lower half felt like it had released an immense amount of liquid that kept me in my position as something warm ran down my legs. I froze in my spot and stared up at the ceiling with wide and terrified eyes as the unrecognizable moments passed through.
The sheets underneath me and around my lower body were carelessly damp, and my shallow breaths captured the frozen room. The contractions increased and my breaths swallowed my ears as I felt myself drift in an out, the world spinning beneath me.
I couldn't move or speak and my body shuddered under the sweat that covered my whole body from top to bottom now, the liquid below growing and escalating. The bed shook along with me, and I tried to grasp for air as my fists clenched onto the bed. I didn't want to wake up Izhar because he had been so tired, and the past weeks had stripped both of us of our sleep, but my voice was lost as well, and I laid helpless.
My breaths quickened along with my heartbeat, and my stomach tore from within as my body wallowed in a pool of sweat.
"Nour?" Izhar's heavy voice reached my ears.
I uncontrollably shook my head, the unimaginable amount of sweat dripping down the side of my face and forehead with every twist and turn as I tightly clutched onto my stomach.
"NOUR!" Izhar quickly turned on the bedside lamp beside him and met my frantic and tearful eyes with his filled with fear and unease.
"Ya Allah! Darling, we are going to the hospital right now, okay? You are going to be fine in sha Allah!" he hastily said as he was quick to pick up my limp body in his strong and muscular arms and rush through the bedroom doors while calling out Sabr's name.
"I- I think my... water my have b-broke," I panted and gasped as I held onto his neck with all my might.
"It's okay," he nodded as my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
"Appi! Oh my God!" Sabr ran out of her room petrified, ready with the emergency baby bag in her hand and all my necessary belongings we'd gotten ready hours ago after hanging up with the doctor.
"You sit with her in the back, and I'll drive," Izhar said curtly as he grabbed his jacket and pulled it over me.
I fell in and out of consciousness as both of their voices disappeared, and my head lolled backwards. I could feel the early winter kiss my skin as Izhar rushed me into his car minutes later, and the cold leather of his carseat greeted my skin that peeked out of his large jacket. It felt oddly comforting in the places where my body resembled as if it had burned and charred.
"You need to stay awake Nour, you have to keep your eyes open," he said determinedly as he buckled me into the backseat next to Sabr and grabbed my cheeks in his warm hands.
I whimpered and tears ran down my hollow cheeks as it met his distorted and blurry silhouette. "The baby.. the baby is go-going to be okay, right?" I managed to croak between the sharp and increasing cramps in my lower abdominal area.
"You and the baby are both going to be fine in sha Allah," he swiftly kissed the top of my forehead, and before I knew it, we were walking on water.
******
I only remembered being wheeled into the brightly lit hospital before I was taken into a private cabin and swarmed with all types of doctors and nurses, some familiar and others not as much. I could no longer bite down my screams once I was perched on a hospital bed and changed into a loose gown, with the blanket reaching just below my arms and completely covering me.
Every single bone in my body hurt and every muscle was on fire as the burn coated the nerves of my body. I heard someone announce the time as 15:18, and the voices of my doctors and nurses filled the cabin. I tried to hold onto their voices, but it was impossible to think about anything except for the excruciating pain in my lower body and the sweat that made me want to rip my clothes off.
"Her contractions are increasing by the minute!" the nurse who'd helped me change yelled.
"It won't be wise to wait any longer! The baby's heartbeat is dropping Dr. Hameed! We have to perform an emergency C-section right away!" Jamilah ordered.
My eyes were swollen, and I was breathing fast, not aware of what was going on. My mind was two steps too behind, but I had to keep myself strong for my baby bug.
"MY. BABY!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as a nurse held my hand in hers and another wiped my forehead over and over again.
I wanted to take the towel and throw it in her face.
"Nourie bear, I need you to try and calm your breaths, okay? Can you do that for me?" Bhaiya ran to my side in his scrubs and ran his cold hand over my forehead, glaring at the nurse who seemed too shell-shocked to continue.
"Bhaiya, I'm scared," I cried like the helpless child that had lost her father oh so many years ago, which felt like yesterday no matter how long it had been.
"I know sweetheart, but it's going to be okay in sha Allah. We are all here, and we are all going to make sure nothing happens to you and our chand ka tukra (piece of moon). I need you to stay strong, can you do that for me?" he nodded with a soothing voice.
I nodded and grimaced as another round of pain shot through my pelvis.
"I have to go now, but I'll be just outside of the OR, okay? Izhar will be in there, and all your favorite nurses will be there too. You don't worry, you stay strong Nourie bear," he said determinedly and leaned forward to place a kiss on my forehead.
I whimpered and nodded as tears gushed down my face. "Where's I-Izhar?" I groaned and bit down on another scream.
"He's filling out some paperwork. He should be back right about now," he assured me and caressed my cheek before kissing my knuckles and slowly letting go.
I closed my eyes before another wave of fear awoke deep within me, and I slowly let go of Bhaiya's hand. Just as my eyes fluttered open, I could feel Bhaiya taking my hand and placing it in a very familiar pair of hands whose fingers fit perfectly between mine.
My eyelids opened and Izhar stood beside me in a pair of navy scrubs that complimented his eyes entirely. My lips broke into a wide grin and tears spilled over the sides of my face.
"Hey beautiful," he smiled, his eyes mirroring mine.
"Hey," I gasped as another contraction went through my lower abdominal area, now only three minutes apart.
"They're going to give you spinal anesthesia now, okay?" he nodded as his hands tightened around mine.
My eyes widened, and I nodded with him as I felt someone moving me to the side. "It's going to be okay my darling. In sha Allah, Allah is with us. And I'm going to be by your side every second of the way," I could feel a pinch go through my back, and I grumbled in distress.
Izhar quickly tightened his hold on me, and it took just a few minutes before the numbness kicked in.
"Promise?" I whispered with furrowed eyes.
"I promise," he gave me his heartbreaking smile, and we waited.
"Okay, let's get going! We don't have much time. Operation room three, come one everyone," I could hear Jamilah's voice round everyone in the room, but I didn't move my eyes from Izhar.
The pain came down from the high tides, and the lights from above flashed up above me as we made our way into the elevator with Jamilah and two nurses.
"Do you think it's going to be a boy or girl sweet pea?" an elder nurse smiled down at me as we waited for the elevator.
"I'm not sure," I shyly smiled back at her, the tip of nose tingling.
"Well, I know if it's a boy, he's definitely going to be as handsome as his father," she winked at me, earning a blush from Izhar. "But I think he would have your beautiful eyes my dear," she said and smoothened my hair away from my sweaty forehead.
"I'd like to think that whether it was a boy or girl, he or she would have their father's eyes," I smiled at her and winked back.
Jamilah laughed, and the signal for the elevator lit up. Minutes later I was handed over to the nurses and assistant surgeon who were already scrubbed in as the elder nurse and second nurse went to scrub with Jamilah and Izhar.
OR three was huge, and I laid right in the center as I stared up at he multiple light fixture. The room smelt of chlorine and bleach, and everyone around me chatted leisurely as they covered the bottom half of my body so it wasn't visible to my naked eyes, making me feel at home. This was my second home, and I was in control of what I could do here, and now it was up to me to stay strong or give up before the fight even started.
"Ready Nouran?" Jamilah asked me as she stood by head with her gloves, masks, apron, and headlight turned on.
I looked around for Izhar, and he donned a mask over his chiseled jaw. This was it, and I was going to fight till my last breath.
I stretched out one shaky hand to Izhar, and he was quick to take it in his large ones before sitting down on the stool someone had placed for him near my head. Izhar nodded at me once, our eyes spoke the vows of holding on till there was nothing left in the atmosphere.
"Ready," I closed my eyes, and a tear swam down the corner of my right eye.
Izhar gently leaned and kissed it away as I heard the sound of the instruments make music to my ears. Though I was numb, I could still feel the pressure in my lower abdomen, and even though I tried not to pay attention, my mind kept going back to it all and thinking about all the possible things that could happen in these next few moments.
I had a hundred different ideas running through my head, and a thousand less solutions sprinting beyond me. Three and a half years ago, I would've never imagine getting married to a man like Izhar, who not only gave me everything I could wish for or even come to think of, but made me his life and treated me with the gentlest of touches and frailest of love. I knew deep in my heart that no matter what the outcome of the surgery was, I would leave with a smile on my lips and love in my eyes that would be the only accessories that I would be buried with.
"Izhar?" I longingly called out, and he instantly came closer, running his masked lips over my bony knuckles.
"Yes, darling. Do you need anything? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly as the elder nurse that had helped wheel me in caressed my forehead over and over again, reminding me of the comfort Mama was sending me through her prayers.
"No, I'm fine. Thank you," my cracked lips whispered below their capacity.
Izhar leaned his head closer till we were inches apart, and everyone around us fell away like one brick after another in the wall that had built by itself as he played with my fingers.
I watched him as he was deeply concentrated on tracing the pads of his fingers over the lines in my palm. His naturally perfect and arched eyebrows were turned down, absorbed in the task at hand.
"Izhar?" I shyly called out again.
Jamilah cleared her throat and started conversation between the healthcare workers, giving me my privacy in a time of seclusion. Conversation picked up in the room, and I smiled at myself as my palm tingled with ecstasy under his.
"Yes my love?" his voice was intoxicated with rich wine that was the most potent of all intoxications, and I was suddenly home and in his arms, giggling about something that was to stay only between the two of us.
"I have a confession to make," I said guiltily as a blush ran up my cheeks, and a drop of sweat ran back into the cap covering my thick hair.
"What?" I could feel the crooked smile stretched across his irresistible lips behind his mask.
"Remember the first time we met, and I spilled my frappuccino on you?" I asked with a wide grin playing on my timid lips.
"I can never forget the grouchy yet ravishingly gorgeous nurse in scrubs with her phone in one ear and Starbucks in one hand as she ruined the precious suit I wore and nearly broke my iPhone," he winked, and I let out a small chuckle.
Even though there were nearly ten other people in the room, and the lower half of my body was hurting with pressure even under the anesthesia, Izhar could make me forget a whole crowd with just his presence, and no matter how many years passed, he would always have the same effect on me.
His words intimately grazed the fibers of my body, and we'd both forgotten the past few days. The wall was invisible after all, and the only thing that had kept it up for so long was our indifference and stubbornness that lay underneath the selflessness.
"After that encounter, you'd ruined my mood, and in haste, I was quick to tell everyone about you: the arrogant man who didn't even think to say sorry!" I laughed and his fingers trailed over my cheek.
"I didn't know you had a crush on me ever since then," he winked, and my neck flushed as I could hear the chatter lowering to hushed whispers. His voice was thick with emotion, but his candor was not lost.
"Anything but, Mr. Khan! I complained about you and your rude demeanor all because you didn't think to apologize," I said pointedly.
"Hey, that's not fair. I did apologize when we saw each other in the hospital," he leaned his forehead on mine and squeezed my hand back as I clutched onto him after another wave of pressure.
He was the core of my strength and without Izhar, there was no Nour.
"Y-You did," it took me a few seconds before regaining my composure, and Izhar was sweet to whisper soothing words in my ear.
He made me forget the prying eyes in the room because it was just him and me, and there was nothing more I wanted in that moment.
"But that was after I'd complained about you. Anyhow, I did happen to give you a name after that encounter," I faintly whispered the embers of my confession as he assessed my pinked cheeks.
"And what would that be? Deathly Handsomeness?" he teasingly arched an eyebrow.
I laughed under my breath as tears of reminiscence filled my eyes. I gently shook my head, and he asked me what the infamous name had been.
"Mr. Armani Suit and iPhone," I declared before he threw his head back with a silent chuckle and pulled closer to me.
His bruised lips were cold like the snow that shyly fell outside and covered the ground, leaving an ache for more. "I'm not going to lie and say that I don't appreciate it. You did ruin my suave suit, and how you didn't manage to break my precious phone is beyond me. It's quite the catch, darling," he murmured for only me to hear, and my hand started relaxing in his.
I suddenly felt that time was running out, and if I didn't apologize now, then it would be too late. "Izhar- I- I'm really sorry-," I began, but he was quick to shush me with a shake in his head, aware of what I had meant.
"No Nour, please don't darling. If anything, I should be sorry," his voice broke, and I shook my head in return.
"Come here," I said, and he looked down into my eyes. "I love you," I vowed for the umpteenth time though it felt like the very first with all the determination in my body.
"I love you," he unyieldingly declared with his heart on his sleeve.
"We can see the baby's head!" Jamilah announced, there was a strain of something unfamiliar in her voice that bothered and nagged at me.
My eyes widened, and everything quickly picked up too far down my perception.
"The heart rate! We have to hurry," the assistant surgeon announced.
My breaths picked up again and my monitors ran ahead of the game. The voices in the room were shouting at one another, and everything in that moment sped up and acted like clockwork, the hinges as old as time creaking with every churn.
"Oh my gosh," Jamilah's voice dropped two octaves too low.
"What happened?" Izhar's voice was deep and ruffled as my voice carried over with, "What's wrong! Someone please tell me what's happening!"
My eyes burned, and I had to use every bit of willpower to not get up and see for myself.
"She-she's beautiful," Jamilah's voice broke the pin drop silence. "Female, time is 16:18, and weight is three pounds and four ounces."
She.
Izhar, and I had a baby girl. Subhan'Allah, Alhamdullilah, Allahu Akbar!
Prophet Muhammad SAW said: "The person who is put to a test because of the birth of the daughters and then he treats them generously, they will become a means of rescue for him from Hell." (Hadith: Bukhari, Muslim)
I turned to Izhar, and his eyes were filled to the brim as he leaned down and kissed my forehead over and over again. My eyes filled with tears of joy, and my heart swelled with pride.
"You did it, Subhan'Allah Nour, we have a daughter," he whispered with awe laced in his fond voice as we both chuckled in our heavy voices. There were no words to describe what I felt in my heart as warmth and invincible love coated my whole body.
My baby. Our baby bug was our daughter.
I was about to respond when a sense of realization surged through me. I sharply turned my head towards Izhar and said, "She-she didn't cry! IZHAR, SHE DIDN'T CRY! Why can't I hear her? What's going on, what happened to my baby!" I yelled, and everyone shuffled around me, some voices eerily quiet while other dripped in high octaves of speedy tension.
"She- she has a heart murmur. She has patent ductus arteriosus. There's blood abnormally circulating two of her major arteries near her heart because of the failure in her blood vessel. Her blood pressure is rising, and we need to get her into surgery fast! Someone get on the phone with Dr. Qadeer's staff right now!" Jamilah yelled and everything was a chaotic mess.
Patent ductus arteriosus only needed to be treated with surgery when it was extremely severe and could not be closed under any other means. Not two minutes into the world, and our baby girl was already fighting to stay alive.
The tests of Allah were surely an obstacle that one had to overcome. Remember Nour: A person is not burdened beyond his or her capacity.
My baby was strong, my baby would live in sha Allah.
"Patient's heart rate is rising! Systole is nearly 150, we need to hurry up!"
"Wheel out the baby to the NICU! Nouran, can you hear me? You have to stay awake!"Jamilah's was a loud howl as it rushed through my clogged ears.
I could feel my consciousness slip away as I could hear the wheels of my baby's cart being rolled away expeditiously.
"Nour!" Izhar yelled, and his mint and ice cold breath cooled my burning forehead and cheeks as my eyes begged to close, and my body was weak and tired of fighting.
"Izhar, you have to go with her! Go! And don't leave her side!" I panted with every word as my eyelids fluttered closed and opened.
"But Nour-"
"IZHAR GO! OUR BABY NEEDS YOU!" I cried out before the realms of the parallel universes opened their arms and hugged me tight as unconsciousness welcomed me.
You have to fight mommy's girl. You cannot give up, do not give up. Mommy loves you with all her heart.
Snow on the ground, burying the faults of the world for just a few hours. In a world where calamities rest at peace for sometime, leaving us in blankets of serenity.
******
And just like a paper flower
The creases ripped every decade old tale that were whispered in the darkness
And ever ransom petal fell to the floor where the earth waited to bury it
Under the soil it lay where the resurrection rose
And the paper flower flew into the realms of forgiveness where silence evaded all
SO? :') IT'S A GIRL! WOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! :D Now, how long will this baby last, and what just happened? O.o
Please leave your thoughts and feelings behind my lovelies. This was a very difficult chapter to write. One more chapter and then the epilogue in sha Allah. I really hope this lived up to the T. Send me your questions if you still have any you'd like for me to answer for the Q and A. Lots of love! *hands everyone a bottle of water and a box of tissues* (for the next chapter of course) (; It feels great to be back!
This chapter is dedicated to someone very special who has pushed me beyond belief within a very short period of time. Thank you for everything you do, and for simply being you. Anything I say will be small in comparison to your goodness! So thank you for pushing me and making me better and always being there for not only me, but for Izhar and Nouran. This journey would have been incomplete without you. :')