We waved goodbye Baekhyun's friends when they left. We were currently back in our apartment, and he and I made some pretty good purchases. I felt a bit more open, a bit closer to him. I glanced over to him, and he gave me a grin.
"So, what's your favorite purchase?" he asked me.
"Probably a dress Chanyeol-oppa picked out, you?"
"The new uniform, definitely," he smiled, holding it up. It had a black coat with white lines on the trim, along with a white button up, paired with a striped tie and black pants.
"I'm sure you'll like it at my school," I nodded. "Most people there are friendly."
"Most?" he speculated. I pursed my lips, my thoughts running to Taeyeon. No doubt after her break up she'll start hunting for a new man, like Baekhyun. Would he ditch her for me since she'll undoubtedly fly to him the minute he walks through the door.
"Every school has a few... unpleasant personalities," I murmur. That was an understatement, Taeyeon was more comparable to a hyena. She once shoved a girl who couldn't swim into the pool because she was flirting with Taeyeon's ex. Taeyeon just laughed when someone eventually rescued the poor, shivering girl. The girl seemed so mortified by her near death experience that she transferred the day after.
"Ah, I see," he said. Was that a bead sweat on his temple? He couldn't be... nervous, could he? Even when he first met me he seemed charismatic.
I blushed at the memory of him holding my hands. I looked back to him, a worried expression on his face. "Are you... nervous?" I asked, concerned. I didn't want him to feel insecure about the situation, so I decided to use my words carefully. I heard that for some guys that if you suggested they were scared that their ego would either grow or pop like a balloon.
"Me? Nervous? No, no. I'll be fine," he laughed.
Liar.
I pulled up a sweet smile, not wanting to invade his personal space. If he didn't want to open up to me, that's fine. I don't want to be too pushy. "Alright, well we can both order our cars from our drivers for tomorrow. Since we should keep the engagement a secret, it'd be best to blow off suspicions. And, driving home together would be a bit suspicious. Are you alright with that?"
He nodded, "Yeah, sounds like a good plan."
I bowed, exiting the room until I heard, "Are you ashamed of me?"
I stopped in my tracks underneath the archway of the door. "What?"
"I asked, are you ashamed of me?" he repeated.
I turned around to give him a confused look. "Why would I ever be ashamed of you?"
"You act as if you don't want anyone to know you're with me, that we know each other," he murmurs. I take a look at him. His pink and blond bangs were hanging low, hiding his gaze from mine. He was wearing a black sweatshirt and jeans, and his elbows were supporting his leaning stance on the countertop.
I shook my head despite him not looking my way. "You've got it all wrong..."
If anything, I thought he'd be ashamed of me. I was just an average girl, and compared to me he was a god. He was rich, handsome, sweet; why would I ever be ashamed of him? Whereas I had an awful and annoying personality, and considered infamous by popular girls such as Taeyeon. I was a phony, and he seemed to be one of the most genuine people I know. Hell, I've been keeping my guard up because I thought he'd be ashamed of the real me.
"Then would you care to explain?" he asked.
I froze, tense. He looked up at me, and with his locking gaze, I knew I couldn't just turn around. That pleading look, it was as if he was trying so hard to understand. But I've only known him for a few days, and he's asking me to knock down my walls before he does the same.
"Baekhyun-oppa..." I trailed. How could I trust him? He could break that contract within seconds if he wished. Just today he caught me in a sex shop! He probably already knows I'm a fake, no, he definitely does. Was I being paranoid? Probably.
I wanted so desperately to trust him, but I felt myself being held back. We've got our entire lives to figure this out if he keeps his half of the bargain, so what's the rush? I've known him for only days, I can't just tell him already about my sob story. Sure, I told Chanyeol some of the summary, but not all of it. Not the depth of it.
Yet why was my heart pounding because of this boy that I've known for only a few days? I knew my duty as an heir to be betrothed to a man, and I resented the idea since I was young. But, why was I starting to not mind the idea? I couldn't be in love, love within days is just impossible. But was I... falling?
I was scared out of my mind at the moment, and I couldn't place why. Was it because I was scared of having my heart broken if he left? If I were to trust him, to put everything into him, I had the risk of having it shattered.
I didn't know him. I didn't know his favorite animal or his 'type' of girl. I didn't know if he preferred sunsets over sunrises or how many girlfriends he's had. I. Didn't. Know. Him.
Suddenly the fact that I was in a marriage with a man I didn't know seeped in. I was going to be expected to kiss him. I was going to have to bear his child. There would be so many things I'd have to do for him. Yet, what if he didn't like me, despite the things I'll do?
He could see the wheels turning in my head, whirring in fact. "Do you need some more medicine?"
I turned and rushed past him, getting it myself. I didn't want to have another migraine. I swallowed the medicine, taking a gulp of water. Why was this so hard for me? I'm usually so outgoing and fun, yet around him I was shy and wound-up. But that's what I wanted in the beginning, right? To be what he wanted.
"But I don't know what he wants," I say to myself.
"What?" Baekhyun asks.
"I. Don't. Know." I bury my face in my hands, feeling tears drop onto my fingertips. Good thing I don't wear makeup, I'm sure mascara would be smudged everywhere.
"Sarang... Mianhae," Baekhyun apologizes.
"No, I'm sorry," I apologize. "It's just... I have a lot of things bottled up right now, a lot."
I'm sure people think I should just break down my precautions to this guy and be myself. But I'm still a teenage girl, not fully matured. I still have feelings. I still have doubts. I still have insecurities. And I knew enough that some of the stuff I'm going through isn't exactly mentally healthy for me, and particularly stressful. I'm going through things that many women prepare for in their adult years. And unlike some of them, I actually want the man to stay.
"Do you... want to let some things out?" he asks me hesitantly.
I don't deserve a fiance like him. He deserves someone kinder, prettier.
"Can you just... talk? Like, just talk?" I ask, wiping away my tears and looking up at him. He had the most worried expression on his face, and I just wanted to break down all over again.
"Sure, what do you want me to say?" he asked
"Just tell me about yourself, distract me," I requested.
He pulled up a grin, trying his best to ease my tensions. "My name is Byun Baekhyun. My favorite colors are black, gray, and white. I have two parents, a mother and a father. My favorite number is 48... and I have five best friends. Suho, Kris, Sehun, Luhan, and the closest of mine, Park Chanyeol."
I listened contentedly, being soothed by his voice. It was calming, relaxing, and beautiful. Perhaps he should become a singer. I listened quietly, bringing my knees up to my chest as I snuggled into the couch's cushions where I came to rest. The tears and sniffles stopped as I listen to him.
"I've visited Fiji, Rome, Paris, New York City, Las Vegas, Las Angelas, Disney World, Toronto, Mexico City, and many more. My parents own fashion lines, cosmetic lines, grocery stores, perfume brands, buildings, malls, and countless other enterprises. I've learned to speak fluently in Mandarin and Korean, and mostly English, though I do need to brush up a bit, not to mention some Spanish, French, and Russian. A little bit of German from staying with friends."
I was starting to become sleepy, zoning out a tad bit and focusing on his features. Those lips never stop moving, do they? He seemed enthusiastic about what he was talking about, I didn't want to stop that happiness.
"The only other time I've gotten close with a commoner is when I snuck out of the mansion in my play clothes, back when I was 7 or 8. I met a little boy, I think his name was Ching or Chin or something... Anyways, I rode my bike through the town and got lost, where I met the boy. He helped me find my way back to the neighborhood, and we played there for a month until he told me his father got a new job that required him to move. I haven't seen him since, but I do wish to see him again."
I placed my hand firmly on his mouth. He stared at me in surprise, yet understanding. "Can you sing to me?" I yawned. "Your voice is soothing."
He blushed, nodding. He started to think of some song until he finally came up with one.
"Time moved too fast, you played it back."
His voice was even more soothing and beautiful than I thought it was, I stretched, yawning and resting my head on his lap.
"Buttons on a coat. Lighthearted joke."
I enjoyed Taylor Swift, I thought she had a beautiful outlook on how to put love into words.
"No proof, not much. But you saw enough."
The closest thing I found to love was Lay, but even that ended in pieces. It was sad, really, the way we left things behind.
"Small talk, he drives. Coffee at midnight."
I remember the last thing I said to him, and I regret it.
"The light reflects the chain on your neck."
I wish I could see him to apologize.
"He says 'look up,' your shoulders brush."
And to tell him I've let go.
"No proof, one touch. You felt enough."
I'm sure he's found someone new, someone prettier. I'm sure he's found someone sweeter, kinder, more patient.
"You can hear it in the silence, silence, silence. You can feel it on the way home,way home, way home."
He probably found someone more suited to him.
"You can see it with the lights out, lights out, lights out. You are in love, true love."
Yet maybe, just maybe, so did I.
"You are in love."
I was almost to sleep by now.
"Burn toast, Sunday. Morning, his place."
Wait, how does Baekhyun of all people know Taylor Swift to memorize the lyrics?
"You keep his shirt, he keeps his word."
Whatever, I'll make like Elsa and let it go.
"And for once you let go of your fears and your ghosts."
He really should be a singer.
"One step, not much. But it said enough."
With that, he launched into the next soothing verse.
"You kiss on sidewalks. You fight and you talk."
I wonder how he knew this song. Was there an ex who particularly liked Taylor Swift?
"One night he wakes, strange look on his face."
I wonder what made him think to sing this song.
"Pauses, then says 'You're my bestfriend'. And you knew what it was."
He certainly had the melody down, it seemed to be coaxing me to sleep.
"He is in love."
Baekhyun launched into the chorus, and I gently hummed the tune with him, to show him I was still paying attention as he went to the next sleepy verse.
"And so it goes, you two are dancing in a snowglobe round and round. And he keeps a picture of you in his office downtown."
I wondered if I would keep a picture of Baek in my office once we're married. Or would we just share an office?
"And you understand now why they lost their minds and fought the wars, and why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words."
And that she did. I suppose if I were to write love in words, it would be through a book though. I couldn't compose very well for a song.
"'Cause you can hear it in the silence," Baekhyun sang softly. "You can feel it on the way home."
I was starting to get closer and closer to dream land.
"You can see it with the lights out," he whispered gently. "You are in love. True love."
And with that I fell into a deep sleep in the arms of a man singing about love.