Aspen
Even after four semesters of college the sound of the alarm clock startles me awake. I’ll never get used to that thing. On the other side of the room Lexi pulls herself upright, and stumbles toward the bathroom, scrunched-faced and angry. My hatred for waking up early is only matched by my roommate’s.
It isn’t until I reach to open the curtains that last night falls on me like a pile of bricks. Oh God. I need to figure out what I’m going to say to Brian, how I can possibly explain away my unexplainable behavior.
I won’t hurt him. A question pops into my head. Which him? Brian or Bastian?
“Your turn,” Lexi says stepping out of the bathroom. That simple direction gives me focus. I’m here to go to school, and I need to get ready for class. I’ll worry about guys after classes are over.
Good. I have a plan.
I hop to my feet and scoot into the bathroom.
***
I’m in the middle of a shower that feels like heaven when Lexi snatches back the curtain.
“Lexi? What the hell?” I throw my arms over my chest and cross my legs.
Her eyes are wild with excitement. “Get dressed right friggin’ now.”
“What? Why?”
“Just do it.”
I stop my shower early but because she won’t tell me what’s going on, I take my time getting dressed. Meanwhile, Lexi stands next to the door, her hands on her hip, tapping her right foot impatiently.
By the time I sling my book sack over my shoulder, she’s practically dragging me out the door. “What’s going on?” I ask her again. She doesn’t answer. A block of dread settles into my gut. Since when has Lexi been good at keeping a secret?
The girls we pass in the hall cover their mouths and giggle as we pass. It does nothing to ease my apprehension. As we down the stairs, it occurs to me. It’s so obvious I could kick myself. I pull my hand free of Lexi’s and she snaps her head around.
“It’s him, isn’t it? He’s here.”
Lexi’s grin widens. “Oh you’re gonna wanna see this. That I can promise you.”
I gulp and nod to her. A part of me truly does.
I expect him to be in the foyer. He’s not. Lexi leads me straight out the front door, where a crowd has gathered next to the Greek Life Fountain.
The strum of a guitar sends a jolt down my spine, freezing me in place, my eyes darting around until I see him in a chair in front of the fountain. He’s sitting there in and tank top and jeans, his dark hair pulled back in a ponytail, and he’s playing his guitar. His voice is so much deeper, so much more soulful than I remember.
And he’s got dozens of cooing sorority girls surrounding him.
Lexi wraps her arm around my waist and pulls me next to her. I’m in too much of a daze to even resist. With her other arm she waves to him, getting his attention. And once we get his attention, we get everyone else’s too.
I could literally die. Like right now. Here one these steps. Bastian and I hold each other’s gaze; my pulse thunders in my ears and my head starts to feel light, like I might pass out. Everything I’ve been running from is staring me right in the face and I’m not sure what exactly I should do right now. So…
I run.
Like full-on sprint. The guitar starts up again, a melody that catches me so completely off guard that I almost trip and fall on my face. It’s the melody of that night, the slow song that hummed on the radio while he and I shared my bed. A moment so precious…
A whole host of emotions wash over me. I’m hot and breathless and shaking. Longing and regret chase each other through my head. But more than anything, it’s fear that spurs me forward.
I keep running.
***
Lexi finds me in the corner seat of the campus Starbucks, our favorite seat by the window. In coming here, I suppose I wanted to be found, eventually. I don’t look up when she takes a seat next me.
“You have to talk to him.”
“I don’t.”
“You do.”
“He waiting in our room, so unless you plan on spending the night here, you’re going to have to face him.”
“Why are you helping him? Why do you care?”
Lexi shifts in her seat. “Because it’s your fault, Aspen. And when it’s your fault you don’t get to run and hide from the damage you’ve caused. You owe him an honest conversation. At least that much. I’ve been on the wrong side of being hurt by someone I care about. You’re my friend, my best friend, but I can’t support you in this. I won’t.”
Of course, she’s right. And I can’t run forever—especially if he’s in my room. I lower my face onto table. Lexi rubs my back. I take a deep breath. “Did he say what he wants?”
“Just to make things right. I didn’t ask for specifics. Will you go?”
Like I have a choice now? “Yeah, I’ll—
A flurry of movement interrupts my words. I lift my head to get a better look. Crap. Lexi isn’t the only person who knows where I like to relax. Brian does too.
Brian is practically sprinting through the tables to where we’re sitting. So this is it then. I swallow down the lump in my throat. Brian’s the star pitcher and everyone knows I’m his fiancée. It was only a matter of time before someone told him about last night. Lexi takes hold of my hand under the table. “Holy hell.”
His face is red when he slides into the seat across from me. He puts up both his palms. “Before you say anything. I’m sorry. ”
Didn’t see that coming. “Sorry?”
He looks worried. “I can explain. I would have told you beforehand, but it was a surprise for me too. They told me we were going to a team meeting. I didn’t know it was a bachelor party until we got there. Still, I know I should have just turned around and walked right outta that strip club.”
My head feels like it’s spinning. Bachelor party? Strip club?
Brian put his elbows on the table and slides his hands through his blonde hair. “I know. I know. You made it clear how you felt about me having a bachelor party. And I know you made out with that guy to get back at me.”
My jaw drops.
Lexi kicks me under the table. “Um, yeah. About that—”
“Honestly, I rather not hear about it. Me knowing who it is will just make me wanna kick his ass when I see him. Can we just forget that last night happened at all?”
“Um, okay. I guess.” I glance up at Lexi. She’s frowning at me. I doubt she believes Brian’s story about the bachelor party.
He leans back in his seat, relieved. “If you know about the bachelor party then I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Who told you, Lexi?” He smirks in her direction.
I turn in time to see Lexi’s expression change. “I didn’t tell her,” she says quietly.
Brian’s forehead creases. “No? Then who?”
“Tell me what?” I interrupt.
Lexi sighs. “That you’re getting married this weekend.”
Bastian
My eyes open to find the Aspen’s room covered in reddish orange light. I yawn and sit up in her bed, glancing through the window to the sun sinking into the horizon.
“You’re awake,” whispers a voice I’d recognize anywhere.
I turn to find Aspen sitting across the room on the other bed. Those eyes of hers are locked on me, unblinking.
“No more running?” I make sure to smile so that she’ll know I’m not angry.
She shakes her head and swallows. “No more running.”
For as many times as I’ve rehearsed this conversation in the mirror, it’s a little embarrassing that I’m coming up blank now. The moment feels even heavier than I imagined. It’s not so much what I have to say as it is how to say it. “Long time.” Real smooth.
She drops her head. “After what happened I just… I… I guess I didn’t know how… ” She doesn’t finish her statement.
“I don’t blame you for what happened.”
“Well I blame me for what happened.” Anger floats through her words.
I tap the spot on the bed next to me. “Come closer.”
Her eyes go wide and she bites down on her bottom lip. “I don’t trust you not to try anything…. I don’t trust myself not to let you.”
I stand from the bed, cross the room, and take a seat beside her. To my surprise, she doesn’t move away from me. She just sighs like she knew what I’d do.
I take a few moments to relish our being so close. It’s not enough. It takes every bit of my will power not to touch her. But then, I’ve already made the mistake of coming on too strong. “Let’s have this out.”
She turns to meet my eyes. “Promise me that’s all you’re here for. That you’ll leave if we do this.”
“I’m only here to make peace.” A lie if I’ve ever told one.
She nods and I can see determination fill up her pretty face. She’s summoning up her courage. “How much do you know about what happened?”
I tilt my head back and speak to ceiling. If I lose my cool, I don’t want her to see it. “Just that your dad freaked when he caught us together and took it out on my mom. That afterwards, you wouldn’t answer my phone calls and all my letters were returned. I told your sister about my mom’s funeral. She was the only person who showed up.” I feel myself getting angry, so I stop myself. Aspen winces.
A long quiet follows before she finally says, “What happened to your mom was my fault, Bastian. I couldn’t face you afterwards.”
Confusion chases away my anger. “How exactly was it your fault?”
“My dad knew about us. He made me swear to break it off. And I should have. Instead I did the opposite. I talked you into sneaking up to my room. You didn’t even want to.”
When I begin to laugh, Aspen looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind. “Didn’t want to? I was a sixteen-year old boy!” I can’t decide if I really think it’s funny or if I’m pissed. I jump to my feet and pace a few times, while Aspen follows me with her eyes. I stop in my tracks. “That’s why you’ve been avoiding me like the damn plague? You think I went into your room under the belief that what we were about to do would go over well your folks? That my mother didn’t warn me a hundred—a thousand times about staying away from you?”
“Your mom was died because of me!” she shouts, desperately.
“She had cancer, Aspen.”
“But if she wasn’t on the street. If she could’ve been seen by a doctor….”
“Mom’s cancer was terminal, Aspen!” I want to put my hand through a wall. “You would know this if you hadn’t cut me out of your life. Don’t you realize what you’ve cost us! I loved you! I’ve always loved you. I still do. And now…” I close my eyes and finally say what I came here to say. “Now there’s no more time.”
Aspen is full on crying now; the sight of her so upset dulls my anger. She gets up to leave. To run like she said she wouldn’t, but I catch her arm and pull her close.
“No more running,” I say to her.
“I can’t give you what you want. I’m engaged. That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? To tell me that I broke my promise. To make me honor it? Well it’s too late.”
I look down into her glistening eyes and cup her face in my hands. With my thumbs I wipe the tears from her face and I press my lips gently to her forehead. When I finally speak, it’s barely a whisper. “If that were all that stood between me and you being together I wouldn’t be this angry, Aspen.”
Aspen’s eyes search my own. “What are you saying?”
The moment of truth. “I’m saying that I’m dying.”