Millie
"It all started when I was about 16." I started. "I was always kind of a trouble maker, like I said always fighting with my parents. I had this group of friends. We were always hanging out, ditching school, taking drugs and drinking by any time of the day. I was a real fuck up back then. I never cared about anyone or their feelings, I just did what I wanted to." My gaze wandered around the lake, avoiding Gina as good as I could. "When I was sixteen, I met this guy. Elliot." That name alone send shivers down my spine. Not the good kind of shivers.
"He was 20 when we met. He was so kind to me, always looking after me, taking care when I was high or too drunk. He was always there. He was handsome as fuck, broad. Just really my type. After a few months, we were head over heels for each other. We were hooking up from the beginning, the first time we met, we already had sex. At first it was just us having fun, not caring about the age difference. Not even caring that it was illegal." The memories were flashing back, I tried to get rid of them by closing my eyes, but it was senseless.
"We were so in love. He was always protecting me, even if it meant that he had to punch someone. I was his Angel, he always called me that. Everything went pretty fast after we got in a relationship. I hated my parents, so I moved with him after a few months. Everything was so perfect between us and I really thought he'd be the one." I slowly exhaled, my heart was beating quickly and I already felt my emotions taking the best of me.
"Why do I have the feeling that this story has no happy end." Gina carefully looked at me. "Because there's no happy end." I gently smiled. "He was the love of my life. He was mature, earning good money, funny, kind. Everything I've ever wished for. Even Isaac, my older brother, was approving our relationship. So I was sixteen, living with a twenty year old man together, trying to handle life. I was still taking drugs, any kind of. He was, too. But we all did, so it wasn't that bad to us." I tried to explain her my life back then.
"What kind of drugs?" Gina asked. "All kinds. Cocaine, exctasy, LSD, heroine. It's kind of a miracle that I haven't got addicted. I mean, of course in some kind of way I was, but it's not affecting me any longer. But that was the only way I learned. Take drugs, it makes everything better." I bitterly chuckled, "It does not make everything better. It makes everything worse."
"I remember," I scrunched my eyes together, trying to avoid the tears, "my best friend, Ellie. She was on Crystal Meth. She was already really addicted to it, I always told her to stop, but she never listened. She was always so high, sometimes it was so dangerous, that she did the most stupid things on her trip, I can't even count how many times I had to save her. And then one day, my brother called me." I felt a tear wetting my cheek, but I didn't wipe it away. "He called me, he was crying hysterically, screaming on the top of his lungs. I still remember how I tried to calm him, how I tried to make him talk, but all he did was cry." I felt Gina's hand intertwining with mine, taking it from my thigh. Only now I saw that I was gripping my thigh so harshly and scratching it, that it started bleeding a bit.
"Squeeze my hand whenever you feel like it." She gently smiled and I nodded, inhaling deeply and blinking away my tears.
"After a few minutes he calmed down a bit, still crying though. He told me, Ellie was overdosing. She died that night in her apartment. She was taking to much Crystal and I was not there to save her. I remember," Tears were streaming down my face, but I couldn't care less. I still miss Ellie everyday of my life.
"I remember, breaking down, throwing my phone against a wall and just slumping down, crying, screaming and scratching. I had the worst breakdown. Elliot was there, trying to calm me, carrying me to my bed while I was insulting him and punching him. He was so patient with me. But after a few days.. No, it was after Ellie's funeral. I was at home, crying my eyes out, not talking to anybody. Elliot came into our bedroom, he was already in a bad mood because of me, but I couldn't care less." I calmed down a bit, now having dried tears on my face.
"Somehow, he started screaming at me, when I would ever stop crying, he couldn't stand this anymore. I thought he would be like that because he didn't want to see me that miserable. We had a huge fight, I was screaming at him, insulting him and then I did something stupid." My heart increased in speed and I tried very hard not to start crying again.
"I slapped him. In the moment, my hand met his cheek, I knew I fucked up. I instantly apologised and tried to cup his cheek, but he was already too worked up. I remember, his eyes were filled with hatred to me and then.. that was the first time he punched me." I stuttered, being embarrassed about this part. "Not with his flat hand, he literally used his fist and punched my straight in the face."
I paused, waited for an reaction, but I noticed that Gina was waiting for me to continue, I did. "He didn't even apologise. He just walked away."
"You didn't left him, did you?" Gina asked and I just shook my head.
"After a few days, he apologised and told me he wasn't under control and that I should give him another chance. And the idiot I was, I did. I was so in love, I didn't even second guess my choice to forgive him." I chuckled at my own stupidness. "He did it again of course. It even got worse. On the smallest things, he totally lost control, took his anger out on me. If it was a bad day at work, someone cutting lines when he was driving, me not having cleaned the apartment. It even became a routine. I was the housemaid for him, his sex toy and punching bag. He punched me, pulled my hair, fucked with me and then punched me again." I was feeling nervous about this, but now I had to finish this story.
"Haven't your brother or your friends noticed?" Gina asked in disbelief. "Of course they have. Isaac always wanted me to get out of this apartment, he had a huge fight with Elliot, but he ended in hospital with a few broken bones. They never stopped caring for me, but I stopped caring for myself. Elliot always made sure to keep me on my lowest. He insulted me as a bitch, useless, whore, tramp, slut, worthless. And it worked, I was not leaving him, because I thought I would never find anyone again. I was so scared of being lonely, that I stayed. I was always covered in bruises, always smudged make up and greasy hair and stuff. I was really on the bottom." I didn't even cry telling her this part, I refused to cry over Elliot ever again.
"Sometimes I even had to go to the hospital, when he was throwing things like vases and they cut me. But I never left him. My parents didn't care about me, so they never asked why I was having bruises or black eyes. So we were now together for two years about. After one year he started to punch me regularly. I lived with him and is aggression for a year. And then it snapped. I was his prisoner, nothing more than an object. He fucked me when he felt like it, he punched me when he felt like it. He spit on me, he kicked me, he did not care about me anymore. And after two years, I knew I had to end it."
"You broke up?" Gina was still holding my hand, carefully listening.
"I tried to. I remember how I talked to him, tried to tell him that I couldn't do this anymore, that I deserve better and that he needs to see someone for his problems. He was crying so badly, trying to convince me that he could change and he would stop, but I didn't believe him." I closed my eyes, the worst part waiting to be told.
"I got up from the couch, my things already packed and I wanted to leave for good. But then he snapped, got up and pulled me by my hair, slamming me on the ground. He crouched down next to me, getting his lips on my ear and whispered 'You will never leave me'." I felt goosebumps forming on my whole body at this memory and tears started forming again. I still remember the pain from
this day I felt in my whole body.
"Then he took me by my hair and dragged me along the floor in our bedroom. He lifted me and threw me on the bed. He ripped my clothes off, fucked me and then.. he.. started throwing punches at me. In my face, my abdomen, my throat, my breasts. Everything was hurting, but I was numb. I didn't even fight back, I just let it happen, hoping it would be over soon. He took me by my hair again, dragging me from the bed and started smashing my head against the wall." I let
my head sink in my knees, trying so hard to get rid of the awful memories and Images, which were flashing around in my head.
"I tasted my own blood, screamed for him to please stop. He kicked me, threw me around like I was a feather. I knew that a few of my bones were already broken, I could feel it. The pain was unbearable, it was too much. My face was bleeding so bad and my right leg was totally broken, standing out in a funny way." With one of my fingers, I traced along the long scar on my right leg, "You see that?" I asked her, when she looked over I saw tears in her eyes, but she still nodded, right after crunching her eyes together and inhaling deeply.
"It was totally cut open. He was not stopping, he just went on and I was so sure that this would be the last day of my life. I was so sure that he would not stop anytime soon, at least not before I could make it out alive. At some point, I haven't even registered any pain anymore, my whole body was numb and I felt my eyelids getting heavy and I tried to think about everything good. My brother, Ellie, my friends, good memories I had with them. I tried to think about happy times, because I didn't wanted to die feeling sad, you know." I looked at her, wanting to know if she understood, but she was not looking at me, a few tears were rolling down her light pink cheek.
"The last thing I remember, was getting unconscious. He kicked me right in my stomach and after that, I have no memory anymore." I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and slung my arm around my legs.
"What happened then?" Gina asked.
"I woke up after a few days in hospital. Isaac was next to my bed, sleeping. I remember how I looked around, my whole body covered in cuts, bruises, stitches, bandages. I felt no pain, because of the pain killers and the medicaments. The doctor explained to what happened, that it was a miracle that I was still alive and if the neighbours wouldn't have heard me and called Isaac, I would be dead for sure because of the internal bleeding and all this stuff."
"How did the neighbours knew to call Isaac?" Gina whispered. "He told the neighbours that Elliot was beating me up and if they ever heard something, they should call him so he could prevent the worst. He was always guarding over me, looking for me, even if I didn't knew. He drove there, opened the door with his spare key I had to give him at some point and saw me lifeless on the ground, in Elliot's arms while he was crying, saying it was a mistake. Isaac kicked him in the face, called the ambulance and they took me with them. I was in a coma, but only for a few days. After that, my parents decided, that it would be best for me, to leave the states. They said that if he would ever come back to find me, he would kill me for sure."
"Not like they are not right. I was just still too stupid. I didn't wanted to leave my friends or Isaac. But I knew I had to. They looked for an college and a little safe place, and here I am. I left a few months after getting out of hospital, they wanted me to completely heal first. When I got home, my things were packed and they told me where I would end up. I tried to convince them to let me stay, but they said I was making too much trouble and I should get away and live a save life, without Elliot." I knew they were right, but still, I was fighting against their decision.
"What happened with Elliot?" Gina furrowed her eyebrows.
"I don't really know. He's not in prison, because they never sued him and neither have I. I don't know, he may be in prison, I don't have the slightest clue. I don't want to know to be honest. I'm here now, he can't find me and I'm happy to be here." I told her honestly.
Both of our tears were dried, as we sat in silence, both engulfed in our own minds.
"You are the strongest person I've ever met." Gina leaned over and hugged me tightly. "Thank you, I try to be the best version I can be, but I'm still struggling." I replied but she just shrugged.
"We are all struggling, nobody is perfect Millie, but you have made it through this all, you have a new relationship and now you can concentrate on your future with Harry, let the past be the past and don't ever look back." Sometimes I couldn't believe she was eighteen.
She was strong minded, independent, kind and so mature.
"Is that tattoo related to this story?" Gina traced the outline of my tattoo with her finger. My sugar skull on my right thigh.
"Sugar skulls are a meaning of celebrating life. It's to honour someone's death. It's bright and in colours, not black and white. It means that someone's life should be celebrated and not be cried over." I explained her my only tattoo.
"Is it for Ellie?" Gina looked up to me, her eyes filled with tears and I nodded.
"I try not to miss her, but it's hard. I try to celebrate her life, but I still cry over her. I got this tattoo for her, because I want her short life to be celebrated, not mourned over. I love her so much." I smiled in the sky, knowing she could hear me.
"You are so so strong, Millie." Gina leaned her head on my shoulder and I leaned my head on hers.
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ended on a weird line, I'm so sorry. If I have anything mixed up, please inform me so I can correct my mistake.
I thought a long time about if I should reveal her story now or later, but I thought it would be best to do it now, because of reasons.
the picture above shows the sugar scull how I imagine it, for anyone who doesn't know how those tattoos look like:)
hope you liked this chapter, I cried during writing and I hope you did too.
love you loads xx