Ok, with a deep sigh I am sitting down to write this... and I dont even know if this is the right thing to do. Too much honesty doesn't take you places but then again my mother didn't teach me a better alternative. So here I am taking out scary stuff from my pandora's box.
The first bad news is I have no updates for today. Going by my track record, I should have informed yesterday but the reason I didn't or rather couldn't is because even I didnt know I would be stuck.. I rewrote it thrice and yet its nowhere close to being presentable.
But that's not the only and the biggest problem I am facing.
When I started writing, I had so few readers that there was minimal interaction and thereby very less accountability. If I didnt update for 3 consecutive days (Which I did once), no one questioned me because no one noticed my absence. Things are different now. I know I have my readers waiting for another brilliant chapter and understandably so.
But sometimes, it just snaps off. I lose rhythm, my head feels barren with no new idea coming in and I feel totally frustrated.
Its not been easy. On an average, writing 1600+ words and responding to 100+ messages and comments every single day has been really really hard. In a way it has consumed me. The other aspects of my life that is my work, studies and the n number of things associated with living alone in a foreign country have taken a backseat. That is ok for a while, a day or two but not for months because that's where you earn your living from. These brilliant ideas you often ask me about, I don't get them from google (sadly), I have to rack my brain, shake it this way and that to pull them out. And this happens when I am busy doing other stuff because I don't have any such thing called a free moment.
So even though I have taken one day breaks in between, I have used them only to sit back and invest more into writing. I still have a huge backlog of studies and I am definitely less efficient at work. health wise too I have been suffering but that's something only few know. I wouldn't call this my absolute dedication towards writing, may be its obsession. Obsession that makes you forget the bigger picture, the sustainability factor.
Things were kinda going ok till this Neel portion came up. To write about him, I had to think like him and that kind of pushed me into a zone where the frustration building up for a few days finally snapped off. I had to rewrite the new chapter thrice and yet it was just as crappy as the first draft.
Solution....????? I dont know. I am not writing all of this on purpose. I am just writing because u love the writer as much as u love her work and so u must get a glimpse of the grim and boring 'Behind the scenes'. I know for sure I am not stopping halfway (Thats so not me), i also know I wont stop responding to you... but what i don't know is how to continue doing everything while retaining my sanity. Is this just a writer's block that every writer worth his/her salt faces and I more than qualify after 68*1500+ words? Is this an outcome of too much exhaustion for too long? Or is it plain and simple result of my setting wrong expectations and my inability to prioritizing things.
I don't know if any of this made sense, or was even required. I guess I just needed a release, a place to vent out.
What next, dont ask me... I will silently post the next chapter, the moment I finish writing it. But I need your words & wishes to come out of this zone. Its too nebulous, too abstract, too frustrating... Not that, i hadnt seen it coming. I have seen enough life to know everyday cant be sunny. There will be times when you will invariably fall and falter. The challenge is to stand up again and start walking as if nothing happened. Wish I am able to pull myself up soon. Need your prayers and wishes :)