it's a terrible feeling to not know who you are. that's what i was feeling. except it was more of a what. what am i? why am i so different?
thoughts raced through my head as i sat behind my bed, the journal in my hands. after mom told me everything about my dad, she shoved me back up to my room for a bit. she didn't know i had the journal with me. i looked down at it, excited. the cover was made of stiff leather and the pages were dirty and stained. i felt like a different person when i held on to the book, almost like i remembered something that i really didn't know about. then i read:
|daniel lox|
as i'm writing this, i am human. i might not be a human for much longer. my time is coming up. i'm shifting more depending on the seasons. with each year, i'm a wolf for longer. once you fully become a wolf, you have ten years of living. a few members of our lost shadows pack have died. our numbers are getting smaller.
everything in my brain stalled for a moment as i sat in disbelief. wolves? am i a wolf? it totally sounded crazy but at the same time i thought it was one hundred percent real. if my dad wrote this journal, it must be real. everything started to come together. on those nights that i didn't remember, i was a wolf. i tore up my room trying to get out. this is why my mom kept me in my room. she was scared.
i read more and more in the journal, learning all about packs, ranks of wolves, werewolves, the woods, shifting, mates. my dad was a wolf like me.
i do believe that i am a strong wolf. special even. i'm afraid that my daughter is dangerous. she will be special, probably, but i am afraid i will never get to be there for her. i am going to venture into the woods to find a place for me to live as a wolf. i don't want to leave my pregnant wife, but it is the only way i can protect her and the baby.
suddenly, i was mentally taken to the woods. i was lower to the ground and felt all the leaves and dirt between my toes. the wind blew softly and the quiet sound of water tickled my ears. i made my way through the dark forest, weaving in and out of trees through the way.
birds whistled in the trees, singing out to the beautiful night sky above us. the world was at peace. i was at peace. i was free and could run continuously until the end of time. there were no limits. i felt happy.
then, a dark black wolf came out of the shadows and joined me. we walked together, side by side, adventuring through the brush. i felt as if i was with someone who fully understood me and was there for me every step of the way. i didn't know who the big wolf was, but i felt as if i could trust him with my life.
we were in our true forms. just us. walking. enjoying the silent peace engulfing us. there was nothing bad in the world, nothing threatening toward us, just our beautiful haven in the trees.
we walked for miles until slowly, everything seemed to fade away. the trees, the birds, the dirt, the leaves, the night sky, the wolf. i found myself back in my room. a cracked ceiling replaced the spotted sky. the yellowing carpet replaced the leaves and dirt. scratched up walls replaced the trees. empty spaces replaced the wolf.
i still felt something, though. i felt ears. a tail. they weren't there, but it definitely felt like it. if i hadn't put my hands up to my head, i would've been completely sure they were real.
everything in my brain was telling me something about my true self. everything made sense now. everything. my dad wrote that i am dangerous and special, but what does he mean by that?
i was going to find out. i was going to find my dad.
there was a small leather bag with a long strap hanging in my closet. i put the journal inside, along with a locket necklace that was hidden inside.
i ran to the door and twisted the knob, but it didn't budge. i was locked in again. i hit my shoulder against the door several times and still did nothing to it. something was happening to me, though, and for some reason, i felt stronger.
i backed up, breathing heavily and bearing my teeth. i growled to myself and ran, slamming my back into the door as hard as i possibly could have. my body slid down to the floor and my lungs were screaming for more air.
the door was damaged enough for me to kick a big hole through the middle and climb out. wow, i thought. i'm surprised i hadn't done this before.
i carefully stepped down the old stairs for the second time that day. my bag bounced against my hip and i hopped down the final stairs. my mom wasn't anywhere in sight. i grabbed a few apples from the kitchen and a bottle of water.
i closed up the bag and headed toward the living room where i found my mom weeping on the couch. she didn't strike me as someone who usually cried. her eyes were puffy and her cheeks red. she must have been going at it for a while.
"dana, wh- what are you doing?" she question, hiccuping in between her words.
"how long ago did dad leave?" i asked her, ignoring her question.
"you need to get back to your room."
"how long ago did dad leave?" i asked again through gritted teeth.
"you... you were two years old..." she whispered.
i'm seventeen now. if he left 15 years ago, he could be dead. but who knows when he completely turned into a wolf forever? i ran into the kitchen and flipped through the book feverishly, looking for something.
i will probably completely turn when i turn 32. no more human form for me. completely a wolf for ten years until i meet my end.
i continued back into the living room where my mom was now standing up looking concerned.
"mom, how old was he when he left?"
"he was about twenty-six, why?"
twenty-six... he must be 41 now! he is completely a wolf, but he might still be alive! he just doesn't have much time left... but i want to find him before it's too late.
"thanks, mom." i said. i ran toward her and hugged her for a long time, squeezing her tight. i'm leaving to go find dad now. i take a deep breath and release her. the only way i'm going to be able to escape is by running. fast. right out that door and through the woods where she can't get me. that forest was huge and went on for hundreds and hundreds of miles.
she was confused when i stepped back, but she knew i was up to something, it was written in her eyes.
then, without warning, i bolted to the door, my leather bag flying against my hip, and flew through the front door and out toward the lawn. it was beautiful and amazing to be outside, but there was no time to stop and admire it. i had to go and run before mom caught up to me. i love her and i will miss her, but the task at hand is too important right now.
i was confused and not sure where the forest was. in front of the house was a small road with some trees behind it, but that was definitely not it. that was not the woods i saw out my bedroom window.
but then i remembered that my room was near the back of the house, so i ran that way. a bead of sweat rolled down my forehead, and despite my mother's yells and screams, i kept on running. part of me felt really bad that i was now the second person in the family to leave her, but the other half of me desperately wanted to find my dad, ask him questions, and to be by his side as a fellow wolf.
i saw trees. there it was. the beautiful dark, misty forest behind the old white house of ours. the trees were so thick and for a moment i wasn't sure how anyone could even maneuver around in there.
the yells coming from my mother stopped as i stood right there, about to enter the brush. i felt my mother behind me, her breathes quicker and louder than mine. she wasn't going to stop me. she wasn't going to grab me by the arm and throw me back into my room. she just stood there.
"please." mom whispered. there was pain in her voice, pleading. the world fell silent. it felt like all the birds stopped chirping, the wind stopped moving, even the crickets stopped making their annoying sounds. if felt like the whole world was focused on the two of us.
"please don't leave me."
____ ____ ____ ____
once you got past the thick brush right at the beginning of the woods where it starts, the trees are spaced out, leaves covered the ground, and there was definitely a lot of room for wildlife and humans, too. it was beautiful in there. it was like a whole different world opened up and i was just now discovering it.
the bright blue sky was not completely visible since the big trees' leaves were masking the forest, protecting it from any sunlight. when you are in that forest, it always feels like nighttime.
despite the small amount of sunlight, plants still grew. there was a small bush with blackberries that didn't seem to be ready for harvesting. i picked a handful of the berries and threw them into my bag for later. i didn't even think about finding food before i left the house other than grabbing two small apples, though there seemed to be enough wildlife to hunt around here, so i was fine. all i needed to do was learn how to hunt. and find a weapon. wow, i really came unprepared. it was so easy to just head right back to the house at this point, but i had to keep walking, to distance myself from the house.
as the time flew by and my legs grew tired from walking, i realized how familiar this place seemed. the trees, the ground, the brush. it was all the same from when i had almost like a vision as a wolf. maybe my dad was that black wolf.
how was i even going to find my dad in a place this big? even though there was so much wild life in these woods and you could hear it, i started feeling very lonely. this forest was probably one of the biggest chunks of land there was. well, maybe not, but it definitely seemed like it.
the first thing i needed to do was find water. it seemed like hours and hours that i walked until things quieted down. night was falling, and i needed a shelter. my body was physically too tired to build any type of tent or something, so i put my skills to the test and looked for a tree that i could climb.
there was a tree with some branches that i could grab on to climb and make my way up, so i hopped up and slowly maneuvered up it. the thick, hard bark was giving my hands blisters and making it hard to climb, but i kept going. i needed to get up as high as i could so that i could be safer. who knows what's on that forest floor? there's definitely wolves somewhere. probably bears.
i found a safe branch that was sturdy enough for me to lay on. no, it wasn't comfortable in the least, but i felt slightly safer from the predators down below.
i used my bag's long strap to help tie me to the branch for security. if i fell, well it would probably snap, but it's better to be safe than sorry, i guess.
when i was finally slightly comfortable, i let my body relax and hoped for a little bit of sleep to restore my energy for tomorrows adventures. there was no turning back now.