Stevie's throat started to close, "W-what do you mean Kristen's gone?"
He barely got the words out. "She's gone Stevie. She's dead." Stevie's hand flew to her mouth as she gasped, "Lindsey I'm so sorry! Baby, I'm sorry! H-how did this happen? Did the baby make it?"
"Y-yeah he's alive but-they aren't sure for how long"She began to cry right along with him through the phone.
"...But Steph-she's gone. She's dead and it's all my fault."
"No. No, Lindsey. This is not your fault at all. This is just a horrible tragedy. I am so sorry. I am rooting for your little guy. I can come to you?" Stevie offered, she was one of the very few things that could comfort him in this state. "Stevie you can't, y-you have to rest..." He sniffled. "I want to be there for you," Stevie told him. He sighed. "I know Steph, I know..." His voice still shaking from the tears. "Please let me," she spoke softly to him. "I'll come."
"Be careful. I couldn't stand it if something happened to you two too," starting to cry again. "We will be, I'm sure there's somewhere I could sit down," Stevie said, "I wouldn't come if I didn't think we could handle this."
He nodded to himself as he attempted to hold back another sob. "Alright...hurry."
"I'm on my way," she hung up and called for her mother to come to her.
"Mom!" Barbara hurried to her side worriedly. "Tee what's wrong??"
"Mama you gotta drive me back to the hospital!" Barbara looked as if she might faint. "Why??"
Stevie's tears unsettled her even more. "L-Lindsey needs me. Kirsten's d-dead. The baby's okay right now, but he might not make it." Barbara took all of the information in and shook her head sadly. "Tee, he doesn't need to worry about you being there too. I admire you wanting to be there for him, but he needs to focus on his son," Barbra said. "Mama please! We already talked about it, I need to be there for him!" Barbra sighed and nodded, "Well I can't stop you. I'll go get your brother." She left the room to go get Chris, Stevie was still in her clothes from the hospital so she didn't see the point in changing just to go back.
Soon enough after Chris had tried his best to stop her they all headed back towards the hospital.
"You guys can go home, I'll find Lindsey and he'll take care of me," Stevie told Chris and her mother as she unbuckled her seatbelt. They looked at each other uneasily and finally agreed but stayed long enough to watch her head into the building.
Once inside, Stevie got a visitors ID at the front desk and made her way up to NICU to find Lindsey.
As she got inside she elevator she started to feel a little out of breath, but leaned against the rail knowing that she's be able to sit down soon. When the doors opened she began to scan the hall for Lindsey, finding him standing outside of the special nursery for the micro-premie babies.
"Lindsey?" She slowly shuffled to him, not wanting to strain herself. Staying close to and using the the rail on the wall. "I'm here baby." He didn't say a word but gently pulled her by the arm into his embrace, quietly crying into her neck.
Her arms went around him tightly, "It's okay, I'm here now." Stevie knew that he just couldn't be strong right now, and she didn't blame him or think any less of him; she'd just have to be the strong one for him.
He held her so tightly if she had been showing properly she'd be worried about squishing the baby. "Hey, let's go sit down for a minute and then you can show me your son," she managed to give him a small smile, feeling slightly faint from being up and supporting some of his weight as he cried. Lindsey only nodded as she led him over to sit. "So...what happened? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I just thought that she was doing fine?" Stevie asked, placing her hand on his leg and rubbing it gently. "I...... I don't know... The doctors told me a lot of stuff... I didn't really hear much of it..."
"Oh, Linds I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what it's like," Stevie absentmindedly rested her hand protectively over her stomach. He noticed this. Out of everything he had made oblivious so far-he noticed this and placed his hand on top of hers. "It's going to be alright, your son will pull through and you will be an amazing father to him, Lindsey," Stevie squeezed his hand. He attempted to smile and only halfway succeeded. "T-thank you..for being here. I know I'm being very selfish right now-you should be resting."
"Lindsey, I can rest when I know that your little boy is going to be okay-that includes you as well. I cannot even describe the sorrow I feel for Kristen's family-that's also includes you. She was so young..." Stevie trailed off. "It's my fault." He cut her off putting his head in his hands.
"Why would you even think that??" She tried not to raise her voice but she couldn't understand where this was coming from. He sat up and looked at her. "Because I got her pregnant!!" She shook her head. "Not by yourself! I'm sure she was just as happy about this as you were, Lindsey! I believe that she died so your little man could live. That's what any mother would have wanted." He looked up at the ceiling-a new set of tears falling. "I'm sorry I'm such a mess Steph... I just...." She rubbed his arm and leaned her head against his shoulder. "No, you're grieving-you're upset and you're going through some serious stuff right now Lindsey. I'm fine and I'm here for you."
"How long can you stay?" He didn't bother looking at her, not wanting to show his weakness.
"As long as you need me too," Stevie replied, knowing that she was pushing it with the baby, but Lindsey really needed her here; he was not about to leave his son alone here to fight. He nodded. "You can't stay long you really need to be laying down right now."
"I'll stay as long as you need me, I promise I'll go home if I feel the slightest bit off, okay?" Stevie said, negotiation wasn't always their strong point. He agreed silently by wrapping his arm around her shoulders and kissing her head. "Thank you."
"I'm always here," she replied, leaning against him. "Have they told you anything else about the baby? I mean, have you seen him?"
"I haven't seen him yet.. But they said I should be able to soon-they just wanna make him as stable as possible."
"So did she deliver him naturally or c-section?" Stevie asked. "C-section."
She closed her eyes praying for that little baby to make it, it had already been through so much.
"Mr. Buckingham," the doctor approached them. Lindsey shot up out of his chair to greet her. Stevie sat back a kept her fingers crossed for good news. "Yes?" Lindsey shook her hand anxiously. "How's my boy..?"
"Well I won't sugar coat things," she began, "the next twenty-four hours are crucial for him. We were able to stabilize him but he is no where near ready to breathe on his own yet. We have him in a little incubator to keep him warm 24/7. I will say that if he gets to come home in the future, he will need special care all the time." The doctor stopped to let him process this first bit of information. "If he gets to come home.." Lindsey echoed her words blankly. At this point Stevie had pushed herself to get up and hold his hand. "He'll come home, and I'll be there to help you take care of him," Stevie squeezed his hand. He squeezed her hand back in return as he stared at the tile floor.
"Would you like to see him?" The doctor asked softly, placing her hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the opportunity. "Yes! Of course!"
The doctor smiled at him weakly, knowing he wouldn't be as excited when he actually saw the state of his boy, she started to lead him down the hallway. Both of them at a totally normal pace, which lead Stevie to almost have to run to keep up as she was so short of breath and in need of rest. His hand was still enfolded with hers and she dragged behind despite her best efforts.
"Hey, Lindsey, I know you're excited and all, but you have to remember I'm a little smaller than the rest of you, we also have some precious cargo to take care of," she tugged on his hand a little. He barely heard her at first but once he fully registered what she said he stopped in his tracks and she almost ran into him. "Oh my gosh Steph I'm so sorry! Are you alright?" She nodded, "I'm fine-just a little winded-can't we go a little slower?" He nodded and asked the nurse to slow down a bit. "I can wait out here for you, I don't mind, I know you want to get to your boy as fast as you can," Stevie told him, squeezing his hand. "Are you sure?" He asked as they stopped once more. "Of course! You deserve this special moment alone with him," Stevie placed her hand on his cheek and smiled.
He smiled gently at her and placed a quick kiss to her cheek before speaking. "I'll be back, sit down for awhile." She nodded as he and the doctor finally rounded a corner and were out of sight.
Stevie sat back in the chair, feeling very drained from the emotions and physicality of the day. Trying to hid her face in a magazine, Stevie felt her little man getting cozy closer to her side, probably getting some rest from being shaken around so much.
Meanwhile, Lindsey had just put on the gown and mask that the hospital insisted he wear to protect the infants from illness. They led him into the nursery where he couldn't help but gasp at the size of some of the babies, praying that his son was not as small as them...he couldn't have been more wrong. He was one of-if not THE smallest babies in there. He thought he was going to completely lose it.
"He's tougher than he looks," one of the nurses spoke to him, "he's given a hell of a fight." Lindsey just continued to stare at him.
"You can stick your hands in the gloves and touch him if you'd like," she said. He was very hesitant with that idea and the nurse could tell it.
"He's not as fragile as you may think.. Go ahead."
Lindsey slowly stuck his hands in the gloves and gently stroked his little arm. At first the baby flinched, then relaxed when Lindsey spoke to him; he obviously recognized his fathers voice. "I love you, buddy. I know your mommy does too, I am so sorry that you couldn't meet her because I know she couldn't wait to meet you. Listen," Lindsey choked up, "I would love more than anything for you to come home with me, but it's okay to let go. I don't want you to suffer," he stopped as he fell into a sobbing mess, kneeling down and pressing his head against the plastic covering next to his son.
He cried for a good long while and just stood next to his son for hours until he was finally asked to leave because visiting hours were over.
It wasn't until he finally got back out into the hall that he remembered Stevie. He quickly ran to the lobby where he'd left her hoping she was okay and not upset with him for being gone so long.
He found her asleep in the chair he'd left her in and immediately ran to kneel in front of her.
"Steph, wake up," he gently shook her knee, causing her to startle and jump as she woke. "Oh you scared me! How is he?" She placed her hand to his cheek. He sort of just stared at her for a moment before answering, "He's...tiny..really really small but he's alright.. Steph, I'm so sorry I left you alone so long I had no idea-" she stopped him and yawned. "Lindsey stop. It's fine."
"Come on, I'll get you home. Visiting hours are over so I can't do much of anything right now. Im sure that Kristen's family does not want to see me, nor am I welcome. I need to do something or I'll go crazy just waiting, you know me. I'll bring you home and take a nap then I'll head back here, okay?" She nodded and he stood up offering her his hand and helping her to her feet.
"Ow!" She winced as she placed her hand on her back. "What's wrong??" She shook her head, "Nothing, my back's just sore from falling asleep like that. It does not feel good." He rubbed her back sympathetically. "I'm sorry honey, you really shouldn't have done that." She looked up into his eyes as they walked out of the building. "I wasn't just going to leave you here alone-sure I was alone, I got impatient and I got tired, but I love you and I care too much for you to let you go through any more of this alone."
"And I appreciate that very much," he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her head. "Thank you, really, it means a lot." She could hear his voice quivering as he led her out. "Linds, I can't imagine going through this, I can only imagine how much Kristen meant to you." He nodded. "Yeah...Stevie, I do love you. I am IN love with you. And I meant everything I said earlier but you're right-Kristen and I were together for a while and she carried my child and no matter what-she will always hold a special place in my heart." She nodded. "I totally understand that and I wouldn't find it respectful if we were to jump right in together and immediately make me the mother figure to your son or a partner to you," Stevie agreed as he opened the door for her to get in the car. He shut her door and then got in himself to continue the conversation. "Yeah, you're right. Hey, why don't you get some sleep on the way home? I'll wake you when we get there."
"That'd be great," she smiled and leaned the seat back so her back wouldn't hurt anymore than it already was. He watched her as she slowly began to drift off, so grateful that they now had each other again and their little miracle on the way.
He thought he had, but until that moment-he was pretty sure that he'd never really quite understood the phrase bittersweet the way he did right then.