KAILEY~
I storm off ridiculously from our room. I feel my veins throb and pulsate, my heartbeat speeding up, like I'm about to burst anytime soon.
The halls never seem to end, but I kept walking anyway. I don’t know where my feet are taking me and I have no idea who or what I'm escaping from. I just need to get out of this place. I need to go somewhere where I can’t wound myself again. Somewhere that won’t remind me of Trevor and Jane.
I increase my speed, just like how I did in my dream.
I spot Oliver and August crossing my way. “Kailey! You’ve been asleep the entire day!" Oliver greets, and instead of stopping by for a little chatter, I give him a scorching look. "Hey, where are you going?”
He didn't seem to get the message. “Go away!” I growl as I pass by them.
“Whoa, what happened? Bad case of PMS? Ran out of tampons?”
Before I even knew I was actually crushing something with my hand, I have already thrown it to Oliver. It is August who wails out of pain though, but I'm not sorry for that.
I'm sorry at myself for playing the role of a fool.
It is only then that I realize that I am already in front of the elevator doors. I go inside the moment it opens, and I step out to the ground floor. Soon enough, I am by the entrance of the hotel and unfortunately, there are a lot of people in the area.
I feared for a moment that swarm of crazy fans would attack me. However, I see that the attention of the people is not focused on me. They don't even know I'm here! Out of curiosity, I cut inside a cluster of people facing a huge Irony Affairs’ logo hanging by the wall. The people are watching intently two fluffy-haired guys, a raven and a blond.
Damn, I saw him again.
“Would you like to introduce yourselves first?” the interviewer asks.
Ah, Xave and Trevor, and one of those interviews that would always pop out of nowhere. Wait, am I seeing right? Trevor, taking his chances with an inerview?!
“Hi, Xavier Henson, rhythm guitarist, Irony Affairs.”
“Hello,” he pauses, clear that he’s thinking of something to say. With a flash of a memory, I remember the interview lessons I gave him. Oh dear.
“Trevor Radburn, lead guitarist for Irony Affairs, and I hate interviews.”
It had the whole reception hall laughing. The only ones who aren’t chuckling would be me and Trevor. He holds a serious face. And me? I’m still pissed.
“Of course you do, Trevor. It’s such a privilege to get you talking in front of the camera for us.”
“Yeah I guess,” he says, still holding an expression that doesn't give much hint of what he's thinking. I bite my fingernails—even if it’s a gross thing to do—for I feel my stomach twist and turn while watching him.
“So, this is LP Magazine and we have with us a number of questions by some fans sent to us over the social media.”
“Is this one of those weird-questions-that-come-out-of-the-blue type of interviews?” Xave asks.
“Yes, this is a majority request by the fans, and they wanted the two guitarists in it.”
The interviewer is a tall brunette with a funny accent. With a mic on hand and the other on the waist, she stands with her hip protruding. I notice Trevor’s expression change for a bit and frowns the moment her arm touches his. Trevor is obviously shifting comfortably because she’s invading her personal space. Damn that woman.
“Here’s question number one by Avalone-one-six-one from Twitter: Do you guys consider yourselves handsome?”
“Well, uhm, yes I do?” Xave says hesitatingly. “Though I really find it awkward answering that question right now. I mean, Trevor's right beside me! He's got a lot of girls fantasizing over him! He's makes the girls crazy when he does the backing vocals.”
True, Xave. I couldn't agree more. A group of girls behind me squeals, though I don’t know if that is for Xave or Trevor. The microphone is then handed to Trevor and he takes it with a shaking hand. If he's brave enough to stand in front of these people, then he better show me what he's learned.
“I prefer the word ‘stunning’.” His tone was meek, very contradicting to what he just said and the expression he holds. His face returns to his serious mode.
The crowd falls into a cacophony of laughter and drowns me along with it. Why wouldn’t I? That was actually classic!
The interviewer grins and exposes a perfect set of white teeth. “Wow, Mr. Radburn, I can’t argue with that.”
Shut up, ugly woman.
“This is a question from Misty-underscore-Radburn-zero-four, again from Twitter: What are your thoughts about yourselves?”
“Thoughts on Xavier Henson, you mean?” Xavier clarifies and the lady nods. “Well, I just love myself, that’s all I could say.”
“You’re being narcissistic.”
“Can’t help it, I’m gorgeous.”
“How about you, Trevor?”
“Never heard of that guy.”
Now, this side of him isn’t what you usually see. Xave and other members of his band once told me that he’s an arrogant guy with an ego. I’ve seen that side of him a thousand times, only in a fiery, I’ll-rip-your-head-off way. I was expecting him to talk highly about himself. This is all so surprisingly new.
“You need to meet him! He’s an amazing guitarist!”
Trevor gives the lady interviewer a feeble smile. From the opposite side to where I’m standing, deafening squeals and shrieks from fangirls fill the area. Trevor gives them a wave. Well, this sucks. Being unnoticed sucks.
“Okay, next we have a question from Sempiternal-Luke-Zero-Nine and he asks: What do you think about Irony Affairs?”
“The greatest out there,” Xave answers confidently.
However, that confidence wasn’t contagious. “I never dared listen to that band,” Trevor says, still wearing the same look since I first saw him here. “The rumors said they suck. Especially their lead guitarist.”
Oh, the irony. I’m chuckling under my breath, quite amused that he’s doing great with this. He’s actually applying what I have taught him.
No, wait. I forgot to be angry at him!
“Khai Makali from Youtube asks: What do you think about Kailey Poxlier?”
Oh no.
Xave starts to talk, not wasting precious seconds. “She’s awesome! Kailey, along with Flame Alyconia, are the best group of people we get to tour with.”
Trevor immediately grabs the microphone from Xave. I feel myself shrink, nervous on what he’s about to say. For this moment, I want to stay hidden.
“Kailey’s the best there is. There’s nothing you’d not love about her.”
Wow, now that’s something.
I try hard to keep my blush that I end up with my head down really low. A chorus of aww’s fills the reception hall, and instantly, I’m the talk of the people around me. I do a little dance of victory in my subconscious on top on the fangirls’ and interviewer’s faces.
“Guidona Wayne from YouTube asks: What’s your advice for aspiring guitarists?”
“Practice, man. And don’t let the jealous people get into ya.”
“Eat guitars for breakfast.”
Fangirls continue to squeal, filling the reception hall with their deafening noises and high-pitch screams. Trevor takes another turn of a head to wave at them, smiling, and it only worsens the noises.
He stops looking around when he glances my way. Oh shit.
Dark brown eyes are locked into hazel.
The serious expression he has been holding vanishes, replaced by a smirk. It is the same smirk I went crazy about back in high school. I take one slight turn of my head to break the gaze.
Before crazy fans would take notice of me, I take a sharp turn left, away from the densest area of people. My instincts tell me to run and save myself. Brynn was right, anyway.
Trevor is being concerned and caring towards me all throughout tour. All along, I’ve convinced myself that it’s just a friendly gesture to thank me for all the favors I did. I thought it was because we’re friends.
This is all just too confusing.
I’m probably just too focused on my career as a singer. Maybe, I’m just lost in romance—three years single and never really loved my recent ex to be exact—and that I forgot how it feels like. I forgot why a person would glance your way every now and then, why it feels good sharing body warmth with a person, how a single smile becomes the highlight of your day, and how a single person can bring a change in you.
Oh, that’s right. That’s how I’ve been around Trevor in high school.
A fool.
Absentmindedly, I make my way back to the elevators, and I step out to the topmost floor. Although a rooftop holds a memory of August’s false news about departing from the band, I believe this is definitely where I should be. I’m far from the stressful noise, the producers and managers who thought about nothing but business, and Brynn’s nagging. The cool air is soothing. The sun is hidden behind a layer of white wisps making the atmosphere is chilly, so I hug the jacket I am wearing even tighter.
So, I’m still clinging on the jacket, huh?
It’s hard to let go of the jacket whose owner is source of my pain right now, when it seems that the jacket is being my emotional support. I should already be crying or whacking my head or fists on something hard, but I’m not. I feel fine—though not a hundred percent—despite all the emotional turmoil I’m feeling.
I press the shiny leather against my skin even harder, lost in its fragrance. I feel so stupid. What has become of me?
Trevor and Jane. When will the past ever stop making me guilty?
If only it would be easy to tell Trevor that Jane never existed, then I wouldn’t be suffering right now. If I could just tell straight to his face that she’s just an imaginary person Brynn and I fabricated without him being mad at us, then I would’ve put a stop to this a long time ago. If only he knew that Jane’s face is just a photo of a random girl from Facebook named Bethany. The problem is, my conscience just can’t take more of this, not when Trevor used to be my whole world. Maybe, just maybe, my world right now would be my career, but he’s still Trevor. He’s the same guy that made me dream. He’s the person who gave me a purpose in life. I owe him so much that I don’t want to hurt him with the truth.
I sit on the floor and hug my knees. I bury my head, not caring about what’s happening around me. I’m sure that the picture of me right now would look pathetic. Thankfully, I’m alone...
...or, that was what I thought.
“Kailey, there you are.”
I refuse to lift my head. It’s the last voice I’d want to hear here at the rooftop.
Why the damn fuck is he here, and how did he find me?
“You alright?”
“Go away,” I grumble.
“No,” he says sternly. “Is something bothering you?”
Only you and your stupidity. “I’m fine, leave me alone.”
“You’re obviously not fine. I’m staying here with you until you speak up.”
Hell, I can’t believe he just said that. Just when I found my haven of tranquillity, the guy I’m so angry at finds me here and ruins my peace. I feel him sit beside me, our hips touching and he flings one arm around my waist. I panic. “Get off me!”
Trevor looks at me wide-eyed. “Whoa, did I do something wrong?”
Afraid that I might spill the beans without warning, I quickly stand up and storm off. “I told you to leave me alone!”
He is, however, persistent. He grabs my wrist and pulls me close to face him. I could’ve slapped him already, but I’m stopped by this eyes. They were sad—painfully sad that I feel a pang of pain in my chest.
“Why are you mad at me?” he whispers dolefully.
I fall speechless. There is no way I’m telling him the truth. He searches my face and I sharply turn away. I just can’t dare stare in those eyes. “If you’re mad about something, tell me; we could work it out.”
He cups my face gently and locks his disheartened eyes once more to mine. “I don’t want things to return to how things were in Castleburn, Kailey. I don’t ever want you giving me death stares again, and I don’t want you slamming a door at my face.” He leans down and whispers in a softer voice, “I don’t want to be the reason why you’re feeling so down.”
His sad eyes are infectious. Tears start to pool at the corners of my eyes. If I cry, he’d hug me again so I hold them back. I pull his arms down so he’d release my face. I take a step back and decide to flee, but he’s quick enough to block my way. “Please don’t do this to me, not when our bands are going to part tonight.”
His voice is crackly and his eyes are moist, as if he’s going to cry. I gasp at the soft side of him—something that I’d least expected to see from a raging hothead. “Kailey, say something.”
Trevor, don't cry. The sight of him makes me want to break down. Never have I seen him this way. Calm down, Trevor, it’s not your fault. I reach for his face and stroke his cheek and ear, wishing that it would somehow pacify him. Don’t show me that sad face, Trevor. His face, however, does not lighten up and continues to wear that pained expression. Trevor, I’m sorry.
“Don’t cry, it hurts me when you do.” Now that he’s mentioned it, it’s only now that I noticed that tears start rolling from my eyes. God, this guy makes me too emotional. He wipes my tears away with a thumb. I expect him to hug me now, but when he doesn’t and although I don’t want him to, it just hurts me more. I don’t know why, I just am.
I push my hurt feelings aside. It is I who doesn’t want to see him this way.
How come every moment with this guy feels so melodramatic?
“I’m not mad,” I whisper.
His face finally lights up and he flashes a slow smile. “You sure you’re not?”
I nod, putting my stroking hand down.
Trevor releases a sigh. “God, for a moment I really panicked there.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t,” he says, holding me by the shoulders. “Just promise me that if there’s about me that’s bothering you, let me know, ‘kay?”
I nod again, not in agreement, but as a cover-up for a lie. There will be forever something about him that will forever bother me.
“Before I forget, advanced Happy Birthday!” he says, erasing the heart-rending expression and changing into a cheerful, excited one.
“But my birthday is still in two months.”
“I know. But in two months, you’d be in some country out there and my band could be at the other side of the planet. I won’t be able to greet you personally. I planned on greeting you this very day—exactly two months before your birthday.”
I giggle though I tried to hide it. It’s a simple act, but very thoughtful and I appreciate it so much. “Thanks.”
“I have something for you. I just hope you like it.” He reaches for his pants’ pocket.
He’s got me something? For my birthday?
“Here.” He hands me a small black box with a white ribbon tied onto it. The box has silver glitters, and the ribbon’s ends dangles in long loose curls. I knew immediately that it is jewelry, but I don’t know exactly what it is. A necklace? Bracelet? A pair of studs?
With him intently watching me as I examine the box, I pull one end of the ribbon. It falls to the group but I pick it up and hung it around my neck. I slowly open the box’s lid, my heartbeat going faster and faster as I hold my breath. My hands start to shake so Trevor holds both of my forearms. He grins.
“I’m as nervous at this as much as you are.”
I try to hide my smile. As much as I want to return his grin, my thoughts still hasn’t let go of Jane.
The box reveals a red velvet cloth wrapped around something bulky. I quickly uncover it and pull it out. I held it out to the sun and it shines.
It’s a ring, but it’s no ordinary ring to me. On it is a black bird made out of sparking stone perching on the ring band. Now where have I seen the exact design of this before?
“It’s a raven, I made sure of it. I wouldn’t want to mistaken it for a crow again.”
Raven! The tattoo behind my ear! The one he’s mistaken for a crow while we were recording The Aftermath!
“You like it?”
I scrutinize it even further and placed it on my middle finger. It’s so beautiful, for a lack of a better word. What makes it even more beautiful is the fact that Trevor gave it to me, unexpectedly, here at the rooftop, just after some drama built up between us, exactly two months before my birthday.
After grinning like a fool to myself, I manage to look up to him and meet his waiting eyes. They look so happy now, as I am so joyful with his gift. “Trevor, you shouldn’t have...”
“I bought it in Singapore when you left. When I saw the ring I immediately remembered your tattoo. I was thinking so much about you.”
Singapore, huh? The time he texted Jane? “How did you know that I loved these kinds of rings?”
“You had a lot of them back in high school, right?” He smirks at the memory. I can’t believe he still remembers my collection of rings after the tragedies—that only I knew—happened between us in our teenage years.
Why? A voice echoes in my head. Why is he being so sweet only now? After five nearing six long years, he finally shows up to be the guy I’ve always dreamt that he would be—the one who cares for me, chases me when I run away, holds me when I weep, and not the type that goes after girls who don’t appreciate him.
He could just be thanking you, you know, my subconscious says. Yeah, this guy has been doubtfully sweet with me. He’s doing this because you saved his career. Part of me is hoping that Brynn is wrong about Trevor liking me. He isn’t like this when I was foolishly in love with him, and I’m still the same ol’ Kailey.
My subconscious is right. I am never going to let my head be in the clouds again just because he’s done such a kind act. Pfft, like I’d fall for him again.
“Thanks for this, Trevor. It’s really lovely. I love it.”
He smiles, the kind of smile that could fill a person’s soul. It’s too contagious and I could resist the temptation to smile back.
“I’ll miss you,” he says, muddling his hair and running his hand don his nape.
My subconscious immediately recoils. What the hell does he mean by that?! I sarcastically thank my subconscious for leaving me alone. I need to speak up, sooner or later. Trevor’s waiting, still messing his hair and biting his lower lip.
I give a quick, sharp exhale. “I had a wonderful time with Irony Affairs. Thank you for giving me the best tour of my life.”
His face falls, but he immediately returns his smile. “Glad.”
I knew he was expecting something else. I’m just too sorry for him and myself. I know I just couldn’t return the feelings yet, no matter how much pretty jewelry he gives to me as a gift.
Right now, I am so confused, angry even, though I’m suppressing it. But, seeing him so genuinely thoughtful and remembering how scared he looked like when I was shoving him angrily, I push all the Jane thoughts away.
I give Trevor a tight hug. It is the most intimate squeeze of my life, fuelled by anger, appreciation, thankfulness, regret, disappointment, guilt, repentance, love—all the feelings I have harvested for him in years. He returns the embrace tighter and I could only ask myself what emotions could have driven him to do so.
My subconscious screams at me, but I wouldn’t let her ruin this moment for us. Just give us a few more minutes, I tell her. We won’t be seeing each other for another year anyway.
A/N: LOL okay, sorry for the late update again *tears* Anyway, I do hope this chapter's worth the wait. Please tell me it is.. *fingers crossed*