| | DIARY ENTRY ONE | |
January 17th 2015
STARING out the window, I remembered all that had happened over the last few months. Right now, I had made my decision, but for now, I just wanted to remember.
So here's the story:
My secretary left the room, taking a large pile of papers with him, ready to ship them off. He closed the door behind him, leaving me all alone.
Alone; like how I was at home. Like how I had been for the past year. Nothing was the same anymore. Not like how it used to be. I still remembered the days when my wife was alive, when my daughter was still a toddler and how my wife would gush over her. My wife loved Alexis, and I loved them both with all my heart. And when my wife died… half of my heart died with her.
But there was still the other half that was healthy and still alive, the other half that belonged to my daughter. The very daughter that I loved with all my being. The daughter that was now gone; just like her mother.
And once again, I was alone; in solitude.
A framed picture stood on my desk. The very one that I had taken at Alexis’ third birthday all those years ago. Twenty years ago to be exact. Those were the times when I was happy; the times where I felt like I was actually living rather than walking the Earth like a human zombie.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to look away from that picture. My wife, Amy was sitting on the grass with a silly party hat on the top of the head, grinning widely with her arms wrapped around our daughter who was celebrating her third birthday at the time. She looked ridiculous, what with all the pink glitter and confetti mixed in with her chestnut brown hair.
But I wouldn’t change a thing about my daughter for the world. She was perfect. She really was. But then my wife died and we moved to Seattle.
Tearing my eyes away from the photo, I managed to bring myself out of my daze and be able to slam away all the heartfelt emotions into one of my many drawers, aka the photo frame. Just before I managed to bring myself to slam shut the drawer, my eyes caught sight of a book. They lingered there for a while before I pulled out the book from under the stack of papers and shut the drawer.
I had set eyes on this book for the first time when I had gone to collect some things from my daughter’s apartment as a sort of remembrance. My brain wasn’t working properly and it just hurt to be in her apartment knowing that she would never come back to it so I just grabbed a bunch of stuff that meant something to me, and I hadn’t been back to it since. I hadn’t even sold the place. It was still there, like a monument of her life.
It was a brown book, one which had some small particles of dust sitting on top of it, probably having gathered for spending so much time in my drawer.
So this was the first time that I had picked up the book in nearly a year. I had absolutely no idea what was inside but that didn’t stop me from opening the front cover and starting to read.
| | 24TH JANUARY 2013 | |
Should I smile because you're my friend,
or cry because that's all you'll ever be?
“No… no. Not this one.”
“Haven’t you found them yet?” he grunted from the couch behind me.
“I will. Just give me a minute… there! Found them.” I grabbed the cases and wafted them in Noah’s face, he didn’t think that I would find them, but I did.
He smiled and shook his head, “Took you long enough.”
“You can’t rush genius, Daniels.”
He shook his head, still smiling, “I’ll go get the popcorn; I think it’s nearly ready.”
I watched as Noah walked out of our apartment living room and into our kitchen. We shared an apartment. It wasn’t seriously swanky and expensive but it sure was nice. It was quite a big apartment on the top floor of the building. When you walk through the front door, the first thing you would notice would probably be the view. The view outside of our apartment was beautiful. It was natural. You could see all the trees and the plants and the animals moving around and playing together in the park just behind our apartment block. It just gives our apartment such a peaceful outlook.
There was a huge white fluffy rug in the middle of the room. There were some nice swirly patterns on it. We had our nice corner sofa which was against the window. It was a mixture of shade of white, cream and brown. There was a nice little coffee table in front of it which was now holding a couple of bowls of popcorn. Our bookshelf was to the side and our 48’’ plasma screen TV was next to it. There was a medium sized, old fashioned fireplace next to the sofa. It was of dark colours so it matched the rest of the room. And there was a nice chandelier in the middle of the ceiling.
Our shared bathroom was to the side. It was a medium sized bathroom with all of our necessities, a huge tub, toilet, sink and a spacious shower.
The kitchen was also medium sized. The fridge would contain all of our favourite treats and would be orange free. The worktops were black marble. We had all the things that a good kitchen needed seeing as I adored cooking and Noah adored eating the food I made.
There were two bedrooms in the apartment. One was mine and the other’s was Noah’s. Noah’s bedroom was a typical guy’s bedroom. It was slightly messy, full of his video games and posters. I would go in there and clean it every now and again. Not that I minded.
My bedroom was… me. There was a huge four poster bed against the wall. My wardrobe was next to it. There were some posters of the pop stars that I liked. I had a couple of shelves full of my CD’s. My stereo was small so it didn't take up much space. But the best thing about my room was the size. Noah had given me the bigger room saying that I needed the space, what with all the art and paintings that I made.
“I think the door bell’s ringing,” a voice whispered in my ear from behind. I couldn’t help but blush. I hadn’t noticed Noah come out of the kitchen; I was too busy lost in my thoughts about the apartment. It really annoyed me when I blushed like that. It gave me away when I was embarrassed.
The close proximity of Noah’s body to mine wasn’t helping. I was pretty sure that Noah didn’t look at me the same way that I looked at her, but I was prepared to wait for him. I would wait forever if I had to. I loved Noah and wished that he would be mine. But I guess he just wasn’t ready.
“I’ll get it.” I turned away from Noah before he could see my blush. Too late, he chuckled as I went to open the door. Behind the door stood Ashley and her boyfriend, along with Louise and her husband. We had met Zac in high school and we automatically clicked with him. Zac and Louise started dating in college and they ended up getting married last year.
Jasper was Ashley’s boyfriend. He was in my Art class in college and we had ended up doing an assignment together. I really like Jasper and I thought my friends would too so I introduced them all. Before I knew it Jazz and Ash were together.
That’s how we all got together. And now today we are literally inseparable. We may work at different places but we all get together most nights to do something together, like tonight for example.
I hugged them all and couldn’t breathe when Zac hugged me. He was quite burly and he didn’t know his own strength. He may be huge and kind of scary looking sometimes but inside he is actually a huge cuddly teddy bear. He was even a big girl sometimes, but I would never actually say that to his face.
We all made our way into the living room. Noah was sitting on the couch, setting up the video. The guys hugged him and we all sat down to watch the movie. We were going to watch St Trinians 1 and 2. We all loved those movies and couldn’t wait for the next one to make its appearance onto the big screen. We’d probably be the first ones in line as well.
After pulling the blinds and turning off the lights, we all settled down on the sofa and turned out attention to the TV screen in front of us. Louise and Zac cuddled together on one end of the sofa, Ash and Jazz were in similar positions on the other end which left Noah and I sitting together in the middle.
I couldn’t help but notice how close he was sitting. I wondered if it was intentional or if he just wanted to get away from Zac and his… gas. Whatever the reason, I liked it and I didn’t want him to move away.
I watched the screen for some while. Annabelle was just calling her dad to pick her up. As much as I tried to focus on the movie I couldn’t. I slyly looked side wards at Noah. He was sitting there, watching the screen, smiling. He wasn’t feeling anything between us. To him, I was a friend and just that, nothing more, nothing less.
He didn’t love me. He didn’t want to be with me, not like the way I wanted to be with him. That was something I already knew.
But one thing that I didn’t know was why I was still here? Why is it that every time he kisses me on the cheek or gives me a hug my heart flutters? I know that he doesn’t love me, but why do I still love him?
I sighed and got back to watching the movie.
I shifted a little so that there was more space between the two of us. I wouldn’t be able to sit through both movies sitting that close to him. He had that effect on me.
“Wake up sweetie. It’s time to wake up,” a soft voice whispered in my ear. It tickled.
“No,” I grunted while snuggling into the soft pillow underneath me.
“Wake up,” the voice sing-sang.
“No.”
“Wake up!” The voice was a little closer to demanding now.
“No.”
“Wake up or I will make you.” The voice was no longer sweet. It was demanding, very demanding.
I would have said ‘no’ again, but instead jumped up, surprised. My pillow seemed to be moving.
Rubbing my eyes to get the sleep out of them, I took note of the pillow that my head had been resting on only a moment ago.
Noah. My conclusion was that I had fallen asleep on Noah.
This was so embarrassing. I wanted to say something to make me look a little less of an idiot, “You’re really comfortable.”
“Thanks sweetheart,” and then he went back to sleep leaving me a burning feeling spreading warmly over my cheeks.
He looked so beautiful and handsome. Just sleeping there on the couch like that. His dark hair was all messy. It made him look sexy.
I would have loved to have stood there and admired him a bit more but I was dragged to the bathroom involuntarily, by the she-devil. I mean Ashley. Louise came in behind us. She closed the door and stared at me. I noticed that Ash was doing the same.
It was freaky. “Will you guys quit looking at me like that and just tell me what’s going on?”
Louise rolled her eyes, “You’re so clueless.”
Ash took over. “We want the gossip. All of it. Don’t think of holding anything back.”
I sighed. They always asked for gossip, but there was never anything that I could tell them. I shook my head and sighed.
“What happened with you and Noah?” They both said at the same time.
Oh yeah, did I mention it? No. Well, I’ll mention it now then.
Everybody knows that I’m practically in love with Noah. Except for Noah.
“Nothing happened, guys. As usual.”
Ash pouted and Louise came over and gave me a hug. “He’ll realise one day,” she kissed me on the cheek. “I have to get Zac home.” She gave Ash a hug and then left.
Ash didn’t say anything. She gave me a sad look, a hug and then left with Jazzy.
After locking the door and stripping down, I walked into the shower and just enjoyed the warm water cascade down my body. Sadly, I couldn’t even enjoy an innocent shower without him haunting my thoughts. I wish he would love me like I loved him. Is there something wrong with me, that he doesn’t notice me? Am I not pretty enough?
I sighed; there was no point in getting myself worked up over nothing.
Scrubbing my body, I enjoyed the hot water.
I was disrupted by a knock on the door, “Can you open the door please? I really need to take a leak,” a groggy voice said from behind the door.
“I’m in the shower,” I called out. I turned off the water and walked out. I grabbed the fluffy white towel and wrapped it around my body. I might be in love with him but that didn’t mean that I was going to flash him.
“Don’t look.” I opened the door and walked out of the bathroom.
I intended on making a break for it, but I walked straight into his chest, “Oof!”
He steadied me and smiled down at me. I couldn’t help but blush. “I told you not to look.”
“That’s like telling a kid not to look at the candy counter.” He smirked while brushing past me and walking into the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a light click.
| | END OF DIARY ENTRY | |
It was a diary, one that once belonged to my daughter.
After studying the little brown book for a fragment of a moment more, I shut it closed and slipped it into my briefcase so I would be able to carry on reading it later when I got the time.
The rest of the day passed but that little droplet of hope didn’t leave me. Maybe, just maybe, I would find out the answers regarding my daughter’s death. This book was just full of possibilities, giving me a chance to step into my daughter's shoes and to find out what really happen. It could be so much more than the suicide that they labelled her as. And with this book, I will prove it.