I am not, and will not be, someone's second choice.
"Erik, Erik can we please just talk-"
"I don't have more to say Mila" he said, picking up the speed.
It gave me an even harder time to keep up with him. I was almost half running down the halfway.
"Please-" I begged, but he didn't stop walking.
It annoyed me a bit, but there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't blame him. I had the chance to talk yesterday, but nothing came out of my mouth.
"Erik!" I yelled desperately, which made him stop.
Erik turned around, walking towards me. He seemed calm. Way too calm for this situation.
"Look, I've said all I had to say; ball's in your court" he said.
If possible it made me even more confused.
"What do you want me to say"
"That's for you to figure out, Mila!" Erik said, raising his voice.
He liked his pinkish lips, before pulling me to the side. I just followed him, not knowing what to do.
"Look, you know I love you-"
"And I love you" I interrupted, but he didn't seem too happy about that.
"But I'm not anyone sloppy seconds and whether or not you want to admit it, you love Marco. And look, I don't blame you, but you and me, we're done until you figure out what the hell you want" he said, looking down.
Why did he keep bringing Marco up, I never did that?
"So... do you have something to say?" Erik asked, raising an eyebrow.
What could I say? What I had to say, wasn't what he wanted to hear. Sometimes, Erik had already made up in his mind, how I was supposed to react and when I didn't do so, he just wouldn't listen. I didn't want to keep bringing up Marco, he was in the past... well almost.
I looked up at Erik, licking my lips. Our eyes met, which made him tremble his head a little.
"Then we're done here" he whispered.
It made me tear up, but I promised myself not to cry. Erik clearly saw the sadden, dark expression in my face. He left his soft hand stroke my cheek, making me close my eyes. He licked his pink lips, before pressing his burning lips against mine.
I didn't enjoy the kiss, because I knew very well, what it mean. I knew ever well, he was saying goodbye.
Erik pulled away from me, leaving his sweet taste on my shivering lips. He smiled a sadden smile, before he turned around, heading for the pitch. He left me alone in the hall, basically out of my mind.
***
"Hey" Marco mumbled, as he sat down next to me.
I just send him a nod; I didn't look up at him. I just felt his skin almost brush against mine. I was sitting outside in the grass, trying to cool down a bit.
This day had been horrible; I had messed up basically everything at work and during the live news, I tripped and fell down in a lake. Marco sighted, licking his dry lips.
"I heard about the six o'clock news"
"Who didn't" I said, rubbing the back of my neck.
Marco let his fingers run through his blond hair, looking at me.
"Come one, it's not that bad, people will forget"
"It's all over the internet" I mumbled.
Marco couldn't help but cluck a little, which made me look up at him.
"Oh my gosh, you totally googled it!" I said, meeting his eyes.
Marco put his hands up in defence, but his cheeky little smile told me otherwise. I knew him and Mario had been laughing their asses off.
"Well... maybe once.... Or ten times-" he smirked.
I rolled my eyes at him, before hitting his shoulder.
"You're too much!" I said, with a slight laugh.
I turned my head forward again, looking out at the pitch.
"What are you even doing here? Shouldn't you be eating with the team?"
"Well, I heard about Erik... thought you needed some company" he mumbled.
Great, Marco got to enjoy this – which I'm sure he did.
"Look Mila, you're amazing and if he doesn't-"
"I really don't want to talk about it" I mumbled, playing with a few grass straws.
"Why not? I thought we were friends"
"We are" I got up from the grass.
"Then let me in, friends help each other out-"
"I can't, okay?" I said, harsh.
"Why? I don't understand, I thought we were okay! I apologized, so why?" Marco yelled at me.
"Because I can't figure out my damn feelings for you!" I yelled right back at him.
I didn't know what got in to me, but it just slipped out of my mouth. I turned around, meeting Marco's darting eyes. I sighted, heavily.
"Sometimes when I see you, I'm reminded of all the pain you cost me. How much you hurt me-" I started, fighting my tears.
I don't think they were sad tears; I think they were angry tears. Marco didn't move a single inch, he barely even breathed.
"And sometimes, I see you, talk to you... and it feels so good. So good that I can't help but think; there goes the love of my life. The one I should be with and that is so awful! I love Erik, with all my heart, so... so why am I thinking that? That makes me a terrible person" I said, as my voice cracked over.
I hit my face in my palms, trying to pull myself together.
"And now because of that, Erik is done with me... I screwed up yet another thing... And I still can't figure out, how I feel about you Marco! Being around you, is almost toxic for me. That's why.." I said, gazing at him.
At first, Marco was completely speechless. He just looked at me, not knowing what to do with himself.
I don't blame him though, I just blurred out my entire heart to him. Him of all the people. It showed Erik was right though: I still loved Marco and I hadn't figured out in which way just yet.
"Mila... I never stopped wanting you, I'll always want you" Marco whispered, taking a step towards me.
He grabbed out for my hand and even though it took all my strength to do so, I pulled it away.
"I can't Marco, I'm too much of a mess. It isn't fair to anyone" I whispered, wiping away a tear.
It pained me so much to admit it, I couldn't bare seeing Marco right now, I couldn't bare anything else right now. I took one last glimpse at him, before I turned around and walked away.
***
"Are you sure about this, Mila?" my bossed asked.
"Yes. I already told the office"
"Well, it's your decision" he said, but he was obviously a bit disappointed.
I nodded, before walking out of the PR-area, leaving my batch behind.
I was so done with drama and after coming here, it was all that seemed to be. Like I had this little clod hanging around me, dripping drama every time my life got to boring. Especially after I had actually admitted my – maybe – feelings for Marco, I had to make some changes. They might hurt me, but hopefully they wouldn't hurt anyone else.
The team where at training, so I knew, I could slip into Erik's room without anyone noticing. I opened the door, stepping in. It was almost like his sweetness hung in the air; it made me tear up. I missed his sweet sense. I let my fingers slide over his bed, before I put down the letter on his pillow.
I didn't want to do this, but deep down I knew, I had too. Both Erik and Marco deserved better than what was going on, they deserved better than me. Most of all, Erik deserved a drama free World Cup.
I took one last look around Erik's room, taking in a very deep breath. I walked out and closed the door behind me, while picking up my bag. I had just started walking, when Mario ran up to me from behind, calling out my name.
"Hey there, slow down!" I joked, but Mario's face was strained.
"What's wrong?" I stuttered, wrinkling my forehead.
"It's Marco!" He muttered, almost out of breath.
A rush when through my body, slowing making me numb.
"What's with Marco?"
"He fell at training, they're taking him to the hospital" Mario said.
Just like that, my bag slipped out of my hand. My heart might even have skipped a beat.
"What's wrong with him?" I whispered.
Almost like it would hurt more so say the words out loud.
"I know don't-"
"I have to go" I mumbled, before picking up my bag again.
"Mila!" Mario called out confused, but I was already half running down the halls.
As I ran, I felt the earth shake underneath me.
What if he wasn't okay? Gosh, what if it was serious?
It made me turn up my speed. Actually, I've never run faster than I did now.
Good thing I started exercising.