It wasn't as long a wait this time, eh? yayyyyy :D
As usual, the song belongs to the talented T-Swiz
Enjoy! Not too many more chapters left to go of HTD now :'(
It’s a strange feeling, really. Knowing that you’ve lost everything.
I’d lost Luke’s trust; I’d lost Jules’ friendship.
I just felt empty. Hollow. Like there was nothing inside of me.
I had no missed calls, no texts.
Jules and Luke were probably back in the bus, discussing everything that had happened.
I could picture it perfectly, Luke’s hurt expression burnt into my memory forever.
Jules’ words, too, were stuck in my brain, repeating over and over.
She was right on the side-taking.
Of course the boys would side with Luke, and Stella too. Em would try to side with me and in doing so, lose the best guy who ever entered her life. And Jules…well. Jules had made it perfectly clear she was done with me.
I scrolled through my contacts list, biting my lip harder every time I saw someone I couldn’t call.
Jules.
Luke.
Em.
Calum.
Stella.
Mike.
Ashton.
Ollie.
Jo.
Laurie.
I lingered over Dad before scrolling past, unable to face him just yet.
I tasted blood in my mouth and released my lower lip.
A familiar name caught my eye and I took a deep breath before pressing the call button.
It rang for a tense few seconds before the beeping stopped and a crackly answer echoed in my ear. "Hello?"
“Hi, it’s Delilah. I’m in Hyde Park. Are you able to come over?”
*
Christian was at the park in twenty minutes.
He saw me immediately and ran over, enveloping me in a huge hug.
“You’re taller than me now.” I laughed, tearfully.
“Yeah, yeah. No yeti jokes please.” Christian teased and ruffled my hair. Then his face turned serious as he pulled away. “What happened?”
We sat down in the shade of a big tree and I curled my knees up to my chest, taking a deep breath to prepare myself.
I told him of all the days events, mentioning Luke’s dislike of Ollie’s and my friendship, and how I had honestly thought it was only a friendship.
“I’ve really screwed things up.” I finished quietly, tears still drying on my cheeks. “I ruined everything.”
“Maybe not everything.” Christian said, hesitantly. “They just need some time. It was a shock after all. Once they’re over the shock, they’ll be more ready to listen to you.”
“I don’t have time. The tour finishes in two days and then everything’s finished for good. I’ll never see him again.”
“Never say never.”
My lips quirked in a reluctant smile. “You just said it twice.”
“There she is.” Christian said, gently. “All you gotta do is stick it out, Del. I promise that everything will work out.”
*
As great as Christian had been, he couldn’t keep his promise.
I knew that.
But some naïve part of me had still hoped that hearing the words out loud would make it work.
I went straight to hair and makeup when I got back to the arena.
Lora noticed the tearstains on my cheeks, but thankfully didn’t say anything about them.
Forty-five minutes later I was dressed in black leggings with the sides slit, revealing my skin, but held together by big bows. These were accompanied by a military print cropped top with spaghetti straps and big black heels. My hair was done into curls and my makeup was neutral, except for a bold eye.
I had the necklace Luke had given me fastened around my neck and I clasped it tightly, praying for strength to get through the night.
Laurie smiled at me, but Ollie was sullen and didn’t even bother glancing at me as he pulled his guitar strap over his head.
I could figure out his words out without hearing his voice.
If it wasn’t for my contract, I’d be long gone. Bitch.
I flinched.
It was only the little voice in my head, but damn it was loud.
And probably right.
Not wanting to risk hurting anyone any more with my song choices, I sang a few harmless covers of popular songs.
I had a bad habit of pouring all the emotions I was feeling into a song, and then releasing them all into the world when I had too much pent up emotion to spare.
But I was already on thin ice and that would only make the situation much worse.
Instead, I went with a safe song, one I had written for my grandparents, who I had dearly loved and then lost when I was almost too young to remember, but had fallen in love with their story.
“This one is dedicated to the memory of my grandparents.” I said to the crowd. “They’re no longer here, but their story lives on.”
The audience cheered.
Behind me, Ollie scoffed.
Hurt pushed my chest and tears stung my eyes but I ignored it all.
Before I could stop myself, I glanced to the wings.
Luke wasn’t there watching.
Of course he wasn’t.
You hurt him, you stupid girl.
The hurt intensified.
Even though it was mainly my fault, and I was aware enough to take most of the blame for it, I still needed Luke around so I could apologise.
Text wasn’t good enough and I knew he wouldn’t answer my calls.
I could even picture the scene in my mind.
I would ring and he would glance at the ID, but he’d know it was me.
He always knew.
The phone would ring and ring and ring and he’d let it lie on the table, sitting with his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands and watching it with the intensity of a bomb squad seeing if the area’s clear.
“I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous tune"
It was the best night, never would forget how we moved.
The whole place was dressed to the nines,
And we were dancing, dancing
Like we're made of starlight
Like we're made of starlight”
I wished that I had fairy lights that could float around like the actual stars, like the song.
Stars.
Those huge, glowing balls of gas in space had triggered some wonderful stargazing ventures with Luke when we were younger.
Luke had never understood my yearning for the stars, but he’d always been ready to indulge it.
By God, he’d been so perfect and I hadn’t even realised.
“I met Bobby on the boardwalk, summer of '45
Picked me up late one night at the window,
We were 17 and crazy, running wild, wild
Can't remember what song he was playing when we walked in
The night we snuck into a yacht club party
Pretending to be a duchess and a prince”
I had laughed so hard when Mum told me that story.
I had also made a mental note, remembered in bits and pieces of fractured memories later on, that Luke and I should do that when we were seventeen.
Well look us now.
Seventeen and brokenhearted.
“And I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous tune"
It was the best night, never would forget how we moved.
The whole place was dressed to the nines,
And we were dancing, dancing
Like we're made of starlight, starlight
Like we're made of starlight, starlight”
If I drifted my eyes shut, just for a moment, I could recall so clearly the memory of Luke and I dancing under the stars to Jason Walker’s crooning voice on the top deck of the Spirit as we crossed the ocean.
“He said, "Look at you, worrying so much about things you can't change
You'll spend your whole life singing the blues if you keep thinking that way"
He was trying to skip rocks on the ocean, saying to me,
"Don't you see the starlight, starlight?
Don't you dream impossible things?" ”
Maybe I had dreamed the impossible, believing that Luke and I could stay happy.
I had known from the start that I’d screw it all up.
I always did.
“Like "Oh my, what a marvelous tune"
It was the best night, never would forget how we moved
The whole place was dressed to the nines,
And we were dancing, dancing
Like we're made of starlight, starlight
Like we're made of starlight, starlight”
I glanced into the wings. Still no one but the techies on either side.
Ollie’s face was grim as he stoically strummed on his guitar, making my beat for me.
Guilt bore down on me like a freight train.
I hadn’t just hurt Luke, the person I cared about most in the world.
I’d also hurt Jules; my best friend and closest confidante, Ollie; the guy I thought I could trust, the three boys; the brothers I’d never had, Em; my best friend and Stella; the gorgeous bubble of happiness.
I’d ruined everything with my ignorance and mistake.
“ Ooh, ooh he's talking crazy
Ooh, ooh dancing with me
Ooh, ooh we could get married
Have ten kids and teach them how to dream”
Wasn’t there a time when I’d wanted this with Luke?
“Oh my, what a marvelous tune
It was the best night, never would forget how we moved
The whole place was dressed to the nines,
And we were dancing, dancing
Like we're made of starlight, starlight
Like we're made of starlight, starlight
Like we're made of starlight, starlight
Like we dream impossible dreams
Like starlight, starlight
Like we dream impossible dreams
Don't you see the starlight, starlight?
Don't you dream impossible things?”
I was almost oblivious to the applause, somehow forcing a smile and politely introducing 5SOS before I bolted offstage.
I didn’t want to head straight to the bus, knowing I’d only be stuck there all night in the suffocating silence.
So instead I went backstage and changed back into my comfy cutoff shorts and Batman t-shirt with my Converse. I scrubbed off my makeup and pulled my hair up into a messy bun.
Just as I turned to walk out of the dressing room, a figure looming in the doorway made me squeak in terror.
“Chill, it’s just me, loser.”
“Oh.” My heartbeat relaxed as I recognised the bleach blonde hair of Coco Stewart. “You scared me.”
“Apparently.”
“What do you want?”
“To offer my condolences on the break up with your boyfriend.”
“We haven’t broken up, Coco!”
She just smirked. “Yet.”
Then she waltzed away, feeling smug, her jealousy soothed, and leaving me shivering in a dressing room in the middle of summer, with sweat dampening my curls and the sick knowledge that I had no way of fixing things now.