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❝Vonnegut could not help looking back, despite the danger of being turned metaphorically into a pillar of salt, into an emblem of the death that comes to those who cannot let go of the past.❞
―Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut.
♚
Dorian woke up from his deep slumber to find that he was shivering and his duvet was lying on the floor. He sat up on his bed and saw that he had left the sliding-glass door of his balcony open and the cold breeze rushed inside, mixed with white crystal particles that were settling on his carpeted floor.
The first snow of winter. Hello to one of the coldest days.
Dorian sighed and raked a hand through his dark hair. He stood up and wore his silk robe and slippers, made his way towards his balcony and closed the glass door behind him as his eyes gazed at the blue cloth draping the sky with white freckles of snow falling down on the land.
Even from there, standing on the marbled floor and leaning against the metal railings, Dorian could see the far away forest blanketed with white, every blade of grass, every intricacy of twig, clad with the radiating snow.
The skate-board arena with a sheltered roof, built purposely for Dorian, was stretched on the vast white-land on the grounds of Ash Mansion. It looked plain as there was no graffiti yet it was extraordinary because it was private, very large and had a variety of skate-boarding ramps constructed by expert and mastered architects.
Dorian liked to skateboard for recreational purposes. He had been doing this since he was eight years old. After a few minutes of watching the beauty of nature and committing this memory to his mind, Dorian went into his en-suite and showered then changed into warm clothes.
He walked inside the dining room and was surprised to find his father already seated at the head of the table working on his tablet. He wore a crisp-white shirt, pants and his blazer was draped over his chair, indicating that he got back from work early.
He greeted his father quietly and sat on the right side of him. Dorian was concentrating more on his lunch than the cold-tension in the air when his father, Romeo, cleared his throat to gain his attention. Dorian looked into his father's sharp blue eyes as uneasiness pressed on his heart.
And then it began again.
"Good evening, Dorian Ash. You slept through the whole day. Is your health okay?" Romeo asked in his rough voice.
"Yes, it is fine, father." Dorian said unemotionally.
"Is there any problem?" Romeo asked him in a flat voice, still not looking at him.
Yes. Your uncaring voice. "No,"
"Tomorrow is Christmas. Do you want anything?" Romeo asked as he worked on his tablet.
Want? Not what I need? "There's no such thing that holds my interest right now. If there would be, I will let you know."
His father did not bother him after that. Their relation was already doomed.
Dorian finished his breakfast in record time but kept his manners in check. He grabbed his worn out skateboard from his trunk and walked the path that lead him to his skateboard arena all the while watching the soft snowflakes descending.
The concrete surface was sucked inside the ground― the bowl, a completely enclosed area of quarter-pipes and half pipes that curve in corners― which had pipes, pools, rinks, rails and pits of many types, the vert walls as high as 20 meters could be, the elevated flat backs on the sides, a funbox which was a combination of banks, flats, rails, kickers, etc. connected to each other to form mini gaps, pyramid, cradle and much, much more.
The lamps attached to the roof was the only source of light besides the now dark blue sky. Dorian tried to shake off his tensed posture and let himself free as he swerved in his skate-board on the ramps and took narrow, curved turns.
But the thing was that even after skateboarding for an hour or so, Dorian could not find peace. Maybe because he was skating alone without the energized crowd that usually surrounded him in the Crestford town's public skateboarding arena. He sat on the ground with his elbows supporting his weight as he watched the snow blowing in the breeze just how little thoughts come and go in one's mind.
Not long after, a worker came to him and bowed before asking him if he needed anything. He replied negatively and the worker turned around to leave when Dorian stood up abruptly and stopped him.
"Do you know if there's any skate-park in the town?" Dorian asked the worker, Gerard.
"Yes, I do, Monsieur. Just two blocks away from the town's park. But it is public,"
"Thanks," Dorian said with generosity which left the worker shocked.
Dorian, who tied his skateboard to his body with a thick rubber band, waited by the mansion's entrance for a servant who was zip chaining his motorcycle's tires for the snowy weather. The servant drove his vehicle to where Dorian was standing and handed him the keys after greeting him. Dorian nodded at him and climbed on his motorcycle with his as the security guards opened the mansion's gate for him to exit.
―at the park―
He parked his motorcycle on the side as he untied his skate board from himself and took in his surroundings. Dorian could taste the energy and enthusiasm vibrating off the people skirting around in the skating park. Instantly his mood brightened with this.
A tattooed man was standing around the corner looking curiously at him because Dorian was wearing expensive clothes and to top it all his motorcycle was not made available in America yet.
"Yo! You new around?" the man asked him.
"Yeah, I am Dorian." Dorian replied and smiled a little.
"It is Tyler. Ty for you." The guy winked and ushered him inside the park.
The skateboard park was all he could wish for. Graffiti covered half of the ground, colorful lighting bounced off people and he was not alone. Some people were spraying different aerosol color sprays on the place. As if sensing his curiosity, Tyler spoke.
"Oh, some douche-bag got this place renovated. More like got this place painted with white so we decided to work on the graffiti art again,"
"I would like to volunteer," Dorian said as a full blown-smile lighted up his face.
"Come on then. What's there to wait for?" Tyler grinned.
Dorian asked for a ruler and stencils and some red, black and green spray cans and started working on his graffiti. He used the black can and stencils first for spraying bar-codes then he sprayed the red and green cans evenly to paint the words 'Merry Christmas' beneath the bar-code. He was an amateur graffiti artist but it was a hobby to pass his time.
After an hour or so, Dorian left the place and decided to take the short-cut way to his mansion. He was skimming through the roads in his vehicle when he came to a halt near the now white beach.
Dorian's eyes searched for the glass built beach house among the red and green lights decorated around him, and he found it because it stood out the most for it was not illuminated with lights. He cut off his engine and made his way towards the lined up beach houses. There was a bonfire going on and people were huddled around it.
And he found who he was looking for― she came out of her plain, unlit beach house and passed him without sparing him a single glance, as if not seeing him. "Lexis," he whispered trying to grasp her arm.
The cold didn't seem to bother her because she was not wearing warm clothes to protect her from the icy weather. Her face was molded perfectly into her emotionless features, her eyebrows pulled together into their permanent angry arch, her cold blue eyes seething with fire like the bonfire behind her and something else.
Dorian watched her as she swung her feet over her motorcycle but not before tying a white strip of cloth around her bloody hands and then driving off into the night. Bloody hands?
Did she attempt..?
♛
Lexis just finished settling the furniture in her beach house when she heard a low knock sounding off from the front door. She ignored it and went to the bathroom. When she was washing her hands in the sink, she looked up to the mirror and saw black-circles under her eyes, a stark contrast against her very pale face.
Another series of knocks began when she exited the bathroom. She sighed and went to see who was disturbing her. Lexis peeked out from the glass wall and saw a man who must be in his early twenties, standing on the porch.
Lexis opened the door and faced the man. His back was facing her as he talked to his friend. As soon as his companion saw Lexis his eyes went wide with fear and he stopped talking. The man upon seeing his friend's frozen posture turned around and gazed at Lexis for the first time.
Lexis saw through all the emotions playing in the man's eyes. First, surprise, admiration, curiosity and then, at last, fear overpowered all his emotions.
Lexis' void emotion of a face and cold, angry eyes were enough to frighten a person.
The man tried to put on a brave facade but Lexis knew better. Eventually, the man spoke in a trembling voice, "H-Hello, ma'am. I am James and this is Aaron. I and my friends are having a bonfire just in front of your beach house and I saw the lights on so I thought I should call you to enjoy with us."
Lexis shut the door in James' face and went back to her bedroom. She took the black book lying on her bedside table and flipped over the pages that were filled with a cursive handwriting until she found a blank white page.
The leather cover of the book had the initials P engraved on the right side corner.
It was his diary and Lexis was continuing on the legacy of writing the journal entries on his behalf. He had written everything, everything that had happened until he could not, because the laws of life did not allow him to do so.
Lexis picked up a fountain pen attached to the book mark and wrote in her elegant calligraphic handwriting:
Dated: 24th December' 2015
Time: 10:34 pm.
Place: The Beach House, Roséville.
Lexis' Journal Entry No. #323
Nico has been calling Lexis since the day before yesterday and she has been rejecting his calls. It is better that she avoids him from now on. He is too good for her and her little heart. He belongs to someone else. Not her. He loves Lucy. Not her. Lucy is the most important person in his life. Not her. Lucy is perfect. Not her.
Lucy is not broken in squares, in triangles, in pieces. Lexis is. Lucy is not a puzzle that cannot be put together. Lexis is. Lucy does not get agitated when someone touches her, even in a protective way. Lexis does. Lucy has no such secrets that could ever change Nico's perspective about her. But Lexis has them. And that's why it's better if he stays away from her. But it was just a side thought which she didn't want to come true.
And see now, Nico left her.
What's the purpose of life when she has no one? No willingness to live?
Lexis never knew that she could allow someone- him- to unlock her heart. She hates him for this. So much that it hurts. Nico, without acknowledgement, has ruined whatever was left of her.
But
Lexis is glad that he did. Because if he wouldn't have had done this then certainly she would have, sooner or later.
Because he saw a potential in her, saw that little ray of light in her. But oh, she knew, she knew that she would only be a disappointment to him at last. He would blame himself for her inevitable downfall, the unimportant disgrace to his life.
And she hates herself for that. For everything.
This world holds nothing important to her. This life of her means nothing to her. Now, she has no one. No one. To care for, to love. To go back to, to be happy for. And this makes it a little easier for her to live through a day knowing that she doesn't has to please any one, that no one can hurt her.
She believes in only one thing: One has to eliminate his every possession, every attachment, every emotion one feels, every weakness one has, everything one has, in every rebellious possible way to become indestructible and invincible and free in this unfree world.
At one point in her life, Nico was there but now, he is not. He was like a meteor. He came into her life for a few seconds and then left a big imprint of his memories, like he was supposed to. He was just a temporary relieve. Lexis cherished those few bliss moments and committed them to her memory. She knew it at that time that he was not her uniform star yet the did not care of the consequences after he would leave her.
See her now Nico.
Pardon, she forgot that you can't because you are blinded by your love for Lucy, her dearest Nico.
Lexis' uniform star is someone else, someone irreplaceable, someone like Nico (not exactly, Nico is only a quarter like him) but that someone is long gone like everybody else.
Yours forgotten, 𝖑 𝖝.
Signature: 𝖑 𝖝.
Lexis dropped the pen back into the journal and tied it. Writing helps to drain out her emotions, feelings, if she even has them, that is. But it has some drawbacks, too. Her mind has to accept some facts, some vicious truth which she writes. It helps her, it breaks her.
Writing from the third person's perspective makes it a little easier for her when her thoughts revolt her, repulse her from within. When the thought, the truth, is harder to accept, she pretends that her name is not Lexis and there is no place such as this world, that everything is grey and black because that's all she sees, that she doesn't exist, that no one exists, that some people were just an illusion of her mind.
She took her pill and instantly her body started to relax. Lexis thought about the upcoming day. She wouldn't of have had remembered that tomorrow was Christmas if not for the helper, the furniture shop sent as a service.
When Greg, a worker of the furniture shop, finished moving the furniture stocked in his truck inside the house, greeted Lexis an advanced 'Merry Christmas'. She did not reply because her mind was filled with a memory.
Lexis thought about her last Christmas with Nico. They both were rejoicing. Nico, because he acquired his doctor's degree and Lexis because well if Nico was happy then she did not see any reason to stay angry. They decorated the Christmas tree zealously and when only the yellow star was left, Nico lifted up Lexis in the air so she could put the star on the tree's crown.
Another memory flashed before her eyes and she couldn't stop it from playing.
So much difference can appear in a span of one year.
Lexis was running as fast as her body could allow her. Her eyes flashed around in alarm and her body instantly went into defensive mode. Someone was following her and her mind could only identify one person who was capable of undoing her.
"Lexis!" someone shouted at her from behind.
Lexis' heart and mind, both protested against her stupid thought, but she decided to turn around and face that person. She stopped and she could feel the person now standing behind her. Instinctively, Lexis' hand balled into fist and she turned around to punch the person. But halfway into punching the person, Lexis realized that it was Nico and she stopped her hand just in time.
"Oh, it's just you, Nico," Lexis said in a dull voice, letting her hand drop to her side.
"Yeah and you are Lexis," Nico said in a dead voice.
"Why were you following me?" Lexis asked him instead, not following his words.
"Oh, you really want to know, Lexis Xavier Walter?"
Then Lexis actually paid attention to his voice and the meaning behind his words. As soon as she comprehended those words, her head started spinning, her hands trembled against her sides, her legs buckled underneath her weight. Nico knew. Nico knew who she was.
"You never told me your real name. I accepted and respected that. Just went by initials. 'L' stands for Lexis, then what does E stands for?" Nico asked in a whisper.
Nico remembered that Lexis ran away from their home to this nearby park and his anger came back in tenfold ways.
"Why didn't you inform me before leaving the house? It's way past your curfew time," Nico roared at her.
"I thought that you were in the hospital and I should not disturb you," Lexis said absentmindedly.
Nico's face contorted into a guilty one this time but it didn't loose the angry tint to it.
Lexis seemed to be out of it at that moment. Her mind was swirling with unanswered questions.
"Why..How?" Lexis' couldn't complete her question. She was confused and beyond shocked.
"I told you about my girlfriend C, didn't I? But we did not talk much about her. Sorry for breaking it to you like this but her actual name is Lucy Walter. Does it ring any bells?" Nico paused, taking in Lexis' alarmed face and then continued, "She stopped by the hospital today. She wanted to surprise me. We were talking when she mentioned you. We never really talked about you much because there wasn't anything I could tell about you to her but today she asked about how you were doing and wanted to see a picture of yours. I showed that recent picture of us when we were celebrating my birthday, to her," he paused and then mumbled the last part in an accusing voice, "And after gazing at the picture in shock she told me that you were The Infamous Missing Walter. . ."
The wind blew the dirt and autumn leaves in the air. Lexis stood there, her eyes wide as saucers, her pale face resembled the white moon, as still as a statue.
Her ears rang Nico's confrontation in her head but her eyes were focused on the small piece of paper on the ground, a few inches away from her. The street lamps light flashed against that paper which read―
❛Found you . . . a little late but still found you. Better luck next time, my love.
―Yours forever, T.
P.S. You are mine. Don't forget that.❜
Lexis thoughts were abruptly broken by the ringing of her phone. She looked at the caller's name and her heart threatened to leap out of her chest.
Nico.
Lexis wanted to answer the call, to hear Nico's voice, to tell him that she missed him but she could not go back on her word. She promised herself that she would avoid and possibly break all connections with Nico.
If she broke her promise then she would be cheating herself only. The consequences of breaking that promise will have its hazardous effect only on her. But she could not resist it anymore.
A decision was made.
A promise was broken.
Lexis slid her thumb across her phone's screen and the ringing stopped.
A melodious voice lined with relieve sang her name, "Lexis.."
"Nico.." Lexis breathed after a few seconds.
"Are you alright?" Nico asked.
"Yes," Lexis replied in a breathless voice.
"Where are you?" Nico asked calmly.
"Beach House," Lexis replied and asked, "Why?"
"Oh, Lexis! Leo and Lucy are so worried about you. Go back to the mansion, they are waiting for you to arrive. And please do answer their and my calls. I know you are ignoring me. Don't try to deny that. You promised you would behave yourself," Nico said in a disappointed voice.
Lexis' heart turned cold when she heard that the reason Nico called her was to inform her that her so-called brother and sister were worried. And was that disappointment I heard in his voice? This made her very angry. No I miss you's? No I love you's? Or was Lucy the right beholder of these words from Nico?
Lexis said in a dead voice, "I was not going to deny that,"
"Why?" Nico asked simply in a deep controlled voice.
Lexis understood what Nico meant to ask her.
"I don't want you," Lexis said gravely.
Lexis heard Nico's sudden intake of breath and her heart squeezed in agony.
"Want me? B-But Lexis, I love y―" Nico's voice was cut off mid-sentence by Lexis' interruption.
" 'Don't say it if you don't mean it.' You taught me this. And I mean what I said but you don't," Lexis said and chuckled darkly.
Nico stayed silent for a few seconds.
"You must be thinking that you don't want me, need me now. Perhaps you are right. But do you want to know what I think? You are just avoiding me for some reason. You are holding a grudge against me for leaving you," Nico said and continued but his soft voice turned harsh," I won't call you any more. Believe me when I say that I wasn't doing it out of my love for you. Lucy told me to keep a check on you. I feel no gratitude or pity towards you,"
"Good for you, Link," Lexis said in a lifeless voice.
"Go back to the mansion. You don't need to be a nuisance and burden to your siblings now, " Nico said in a mocking way.
Lexis ended the call, gazed at her phone's wallpaper which was of Nico hugging her around the waist and resting his chin on top of her head, and threw her phone against the bedside drawer.
Nico Link, who was sitting in his chamber, looked blankly at his reflection in his phone and dragged a hand across his tired face. The things he told Lexis was the result of his today's mental pain after he was not able to save a man's life today.
It was a hit and run case. The man lost a lot of blood and there wasn't enough time to save him. He remembered being called urgently down from the Children's Cancer Care Unit.
Nico, even after a year worth experience as both a successor and doctor in his father's large groups and branches of Link Hospital, couldn't deal with the angst as an injured man was put on the stretcher and brought to the I.C.U.
He could still hear his booming voice ordering the nurses for necessary equipment. The hideous injuries leaking of red blood when the man's shirt was tore open.
He could still replay the little life left in the man's eyes looking at him as his condition worsened when the heart monitor indicated that the man's heart rate has slowed down dangerously and after a few seconds of using electric cardio version for atrial fibrillation there was a constant sound. No breaks in between the beeps. Just a long flat piercing sound the penetrated his ears. The monitor had flat lined and soulless eyes gazed at him as if blaming him for the cause, his death.
How he wished to share his anguish with the two most beloved ladies in his life! But then he was reminded of Lucy's depression and Lexis' indifference.
Nico pressed the home button on his mobile device and was presented with a picture of a teenage Lucy, standing in a Victorian style room, behind the chair in which seven year-old Lexis was sitting, with Lucy's hands atop her straight shoulders. Fake smiles pasted on their porcelain faces and elegant posture adopted, they looked impeccable except for their eyes. Lucy's eyes looked melancholic while Lexis' betrayed nothing. They were soulless just like the dead man's eyes.
On the other side, Lexis went and picked up her phone that was ruined into pieces and bits. Her fingers tried to piece them back together but they seem to break more in her tight grasp. The screen glass cut her soft pale skin as her hands clenched around them.
Blood leaked out of Lexis' scraped hands and into the white snow as she walked out of the beach house, locking it behind her. The people were trying to lit the bonfire as Lexis passed them.
Lexis saw Dorian from her peripheral vision and heard his voice calling out to her but her mind registered only one thing― Nico really hated her now. It was official.
She tore a small piece of her thin fabricated shirt and tied it around her hand.
As Lexis revved her engine to life she could only think about what she was going to do with her life now.
Now that the epitome of her life, light and hope wasn't coming back.
―to be continued―
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A/N: Sorry for the late update guys! A lot has been going on in my life and I kinda needed a break but meh here's the update now! So any thoughts about this chapter? Who knew Lexis could write a journal! Dorian's bond with his dad kinda sucks but that's rich, busy parents for you. And what about the skate-board part? Please leave feedback. It helps me to write! Thanks and love to all of my readers! Don't forget to vote and comment!