I’m somehow able to push the thought of Jason being in Clemson from my mind as I sit and eat with Allie. I believe it has something to do with my self-talk about how I have Charlie now. I feel like he’ll protect me, somehow, and it makes me wish that he could hear my thoughts. I try to be honest with him, say what is on my mind, but I know that sometimes he thinks I’m just trying to make him feel better when actually, my words are downplayed compared to how much I like him and the person he is.
“Your hair looks gorgeous, by the way,” Allie says, “I never see it down! Does it naturally curl like that?”
I nod, finishing a bite of my sandwich, “Most of the time, yes. Sometimes it gets a little unruly, but it’s generally agreeable.”
“You’re very lucky,” Allie says, sipping her lemonade through the stripped straw.
After she takes a drink, she smiles knowingly at me. The sun is very close to setting now, so she raises the oversized sunglasses from her eyes and pushes them back into her blonde hair.
“So, did you see that boy last night? The one from the café? I don’t even think I asked you his name.”
“His name is Charlie. Yes, we were together again last night. We are actually going to Charleston together this weekend.”
I speak rather casually, swirling my straw around my glass of cherry coke. I wonder to myself if she’s noticed any swelling in my face, if anyone has. I was half expecting people to comment on it today, but no one has. I am so glad.
“You’re taking a trip together? Already? That’s exciting! Do you feel okay about it though?”
“Completely,” I say it confidently, “I know I’ll be safe with him. I’m excited.”
“I think you can trust your own judgment, then. I’m excited for you! You learn so much about someone when you travel with together. I remember mine and my boyfriend’s first road trip together.” Allie rolls her eyes at the memory, but smiles playfully at the same time.
“Do you want me to work for you Sunday by any chance? Will you still be gone? I’m trying to save as much money as I can for my first few months post-graduation, so I don’t mind to at all!”
“Yes, I’d been meaning to ask. You’re sure you don’t mind?”
Allie shakes her head and we agree to tell Mr. Miller tomorrow – he never minds when people trade shifts or days, so I’m not worried.
Allie and I are both finished eating and she hands me her paper, it is extremely well written. Of course, I find a way to relate every sentence – every word – to Charlie and my relationship with him, because that seems to be all that’s on my mind these days.
When I’m reading about how shame can keep us from the things that we want most, I promise myself that I won’t stop trying to get Charlie to see himself more clearly. I don’t want him to feel ashamed of his past, or his present. I don’t want him hold back, with me or anything else, because he feels like he isn’t good enough, like his past makes him not good enough.
I finish her paper after a few minutes and I have nothing bad to say. I just praise her, handing her paper back with no suggestions for revision.
“I don’t think your teacher will be able to find anything wrong with this one,” I smile at her.
“I wish I could believe that,” She chuckles, placing her paper nicely into her folder and sliding it back into her bag.
We talk for a while longer and finally say goodbye, knowing that we’ll see each other in the morning at work.
When I’m back alone in my room, I already start to feel uneasy about the idea of Jason being in town. I call my parents, chatting to them and, of course, appeasing my mother by answering some of her questions about Charlie. They ask about Charleston, but I can’t give them many details since Charlie’s planned the trip. I leave out everything about Jason, because I’m nearly nineteen, and I should be able to work through this on my own by now. Lastly, I tell them I love them and say goodnight.
I am playing music on my laptop, and looking mostly at clothes on the Internet. I’m doing well to keep my mind preoccupied, until my phone lights up with a text message. I hope that it’s from Charlie, but the number is unrecognized by my phone. It only takes me a second to realize who it is.
Hey… long time no talk. You need to come out tonight. Let me pick you up and we’ll play catch up :)
My heart speeds up, but I’m determined to keep my cool. He’s only texted me. If I don’t reply, he’ll get the hint fast and leave me alone. There will be plenty of girls at that party to keep him company, I’m sure.
It’s just past nine, and I wonder why Charlie hasn’t called or texted at all. Maybe he’s just been busy; I just hope that he isn’t trying to distance himself from me, thinking that he’s helping me – surely not though, with our trip still planned for this weekend. Regardless, I hope he texts or calls at some point. If he doesn’t, I will text him goodnight, because I’m not about to be stubborn over who texts first.
I am back to listening to music and web browsing when my phone lights up a second time.
Come on Stella. I want to see you. I’m only in town this one night. Pleeeeeease. :)
I have a feeling that Jason is already drunk, and I feel uneasiness in my stomach. Seconds later, when he texts again, I become almost positive that he’s been drinking.
I’ll make it worth your while Princess ;)
My shoulders shiver and my arms get goose bumps. Jason never used to text like this, except for when he’d been drinking a lot. In the beginning, he was flirty, but not a sloppy flirty. Later in the relationship, he was just dry and critical all of the time, even over text. From the way that he is texting now – smileys, and comments that aren’t hurtful, but still make me uncomfortable – I can practically see his lazy, drunk eyes and crooked, filthy smirk through the phone.
I still don’t reply, of course. I turn off my laptop and start to gather my things, deciding to take a shower – anything but reading more of Jason’s text.
As I’m about to take off my shirt, my phone starts to ring. I walk over to my bed, where I’ve left it. Jason is calling. He is actually calling me. It makes me a little more nervous that he is being so persistent. I don’t ignore the call; I just let it ring until it goes to voicemail. I am almost relieved when another text from him comes through seconds later, because I know he hasn’t left a voicemail, and his voice will not be on my phone.
I am almost relieved, that is, until I see the text:
If you are going to try to hide from me… I guess I’ll just have to come and find you.
I don’t have time to calm myself before the tears start. Either Justin told him nothing about Charlie, or he is absolutely wasted and doesn’t care – or both.
I’m crying and start to shake when I grab my phone and redial my parents.
My dad answers, “Stella? What’s up, sweetie?”
I am breathing uneasily and trying to wipe the tears from my face.
“Dad? He’s here. Jason is at Clemson and he keeps texting me.”
I hear my dad sigh, but it’s no sigh of relief.
“Stella,” He speaks slowly and calmly, but I know my dad, and he is probably losing it on the inside, “What is he saying? Are you scared that he knows where you are?”
I hear my mom on the other end, asking my dad if everything is all right.
“I haven’t responded at all, but he said… he said he was going to find me, and I – ”
I choke out a sob and can’t finish. My dad tries to quiet and calm me before he speaks.
“Is there anyone who you can stay with tonight? That way you won’t be in your room, just in case.”
“No,” I say, “I don’t feel comfortable explaining this to anyone.” It’s honest. I would rather feel unsafe here than have to knock on an acquaintance’s door and ask them to keep me hidden from my abusive ex-boyfriend. Of course, Charlie is who I am closest to here, but I don’t want him to see me like this, either.
My mom seems to pick up on the entire situation at once and she takes the phone from my dad.
“Stella? You need to call Charlie. You’ve told him about Jason, haven’t you? Call him and he will stay with you.”
“Mom, I can’t just –“ I start to receive another call. I glance at the screen, worried that it is Jason, but I’m pleasantly surprised to see Charlie’s caller ID.
I ignore it even though I really want to talk to him, even though I would feel instantly safe if I heard his voice. I just don’t want him to have to deal with this – with me – right now.
“Stella, you shouldn’t be alone. I don’t think he can find you, I think you’re fine. But you’re upset, and I would feel better if you were to stay with someone else.”
“Mom, I’ll be – “
Another call again. I look to see Charlie’s name and decide to take the call.
“Mom? Charlie is calling. I’m going to talk to him, okay? I will call you back. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine, for now. I love you both.”
“Stella, we love you. Call us as soon as you get off the phone with Charlie, okay?”
When I hang up with my parents, Charlie’s call has gone to voicemail, so I dial it back. I am still sniffling a bit, but I try to clear up, before Charlie can hear me.
“Stella? I’m sorry that I called twice. Am I bothering you? Are you okay?”
“Hi, Charlie. You aren’t bothering me at all. What’s up?”
I speak as casually as possible, and I wonder why he’s asked if I’m okay. Could he hear me sniffling? He probably thinks that I cry more than anyone he’s ever met.
“I-I just missed you all day. I was going to see if maybe you wanted to come over again, even though I said I couldn’t today. I tried to call, and when you didn’t answer, I – I don’t know, I all of a sudden felt worried. So, I called again really quickly. Is there something wrong? Are you busy? It was probably silly of me to ask you over last minute, I’m sure you have plans.”
I giggle a little, despite the circumstances, because his apparent nerves are endearing.
“No, I don’t have any plans.”
“Okay, so should I pick you up? I was just on my way home. I’m close to campus now.”
“That sounds perfect. Should I pack..?”
“Yes, and you can just plan to leave your things this time. What is your room number? I’ll carry your bag.”
I give Charlie my room number and don’t protest his offer to help me this time, because I’ll probably go ahead and pack a fair bit since I’ll be staying multiple nights. Of course, I’m not going to pack for Charleston yet, and I’ll have to come back Friday anyway to figure out what I’m wearing to my first day of work at Dr. Keller’s office. Hopefully I’ll have time to do some shopping in Charleston, and I can buy more professional looking, secretary-type clothing.
I am in such a rush to pack that I forget to fix my makeup. It isn’t terrible, but when I finally glance in my mirror, I notice that my mascara is slightly smudged from my brief sobbing.
He’s seen worse. I think to myself, and I chuckle quietly because I need to right now.
I’m almost completely packed, shoving the finial few things into my bag when my phone starts ringing. I grab it quickly, assuming it’s Charlie, and I answer it while looking down, zipping my bag.
“Hello?”
“Stella,” I nearly drop the phone when I hear Jason’s voice, “Where the hell are you? I’m coming to get you. I’m a guest in your college town, you know. I think you owe me a night, babe.”
I hang up immediately. His speech was slurred from all of the alcohol, but his voice sounds exactly the same.
I hear a knock on my door seconds after hanging up, and if it hadn’t have been so loud on the other line, I would’ve been afraid to open the door and see Jason.
But I know exactly who it is, and I immediately go to the door and open it quickly.
“Hi,” I say, while leaning in to give Charlie a hug.
“Hello,” He says quietly, wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head.
When I pull away, he looks concerned. I turn away from him, walking back into my room as he follows, letting the door close behind him. I go to turn off the lamp on my desk and Charlie picks up my bag slowly, putting the strap over his shoulder.
I had mentioned to him that I lived alone, that my roommate left not long after school began and I hadn’t been assigned a new one. I still notice Charlie eyeing the empty side of my room though.
“Do you get lonely, living here by yourself? Or do you enjoy it?”
“Umm-“ I begin, doing one last sweep of my room to make certain that I haven’t forgotten anything, “It’s nicer than living with someone who is a nightmare, I suppose. But I didn’t mind my roommate. She was nice. I definitely get lonesome sometimes.”
“Mm,” He nods, still looking around the room.
“How come you didn’t answer my calls at first? Have you been crying? I’m sorry to ask so straightforwardly, but…”
“It’s okay. I was on the phone with my parents when you called. My ex-boyfriend is in town tonight. I guess he’s kept in touch with some of his friends who go here and they’re at a party in a bar somewhere.”
Charlie’s brow is furrowed, his deep eyes studying me and taking in every word that I say.
“I freaked out at first, but I’m fine now. I promise I won’t cry again tonight.” I laugh a little but Charlie is still very serious. And just as I’ve promised not to cry, I realize how heavy the mood is and I bite my bottom lip to keep it from quivering.
I hate that Jason still has so much power over me.
Charlie slides my bag off of his shoulder and walks over to me. I am standing beside my bed and he sits down on it, pulling me onto his lap. His pull is gentle, but quick enough that I’m caught off guard and I am brought extra close to him. He leans his forehead against mine,
“Baby, you don’t ever have to feel ashamed to be upset in front of me.”
His arms are wrapped around my waist, but I slowly feel his hands moving up my back, rubbing it along the way. He leans his lips against mine and kisses me slowly.
It feels perfect, but I so desperately want to leave this room, to be back at Charlie’s where Jason has no chance of finding me.
Before we’ve stopped kissing, my phone begins to ring again. It is on the bed beside us and Charlie reaches for it, bringing it up towards my hand, which is rested on his shoulder.
I push his hand down with mine, because I’ve already seen the number.
“I don’t need to answer that,” I say quietly, “Let’s just go.”
As I climb off of his lap, he looks down at the number and frowns.
“Is this – is this him calling you? Has he been calling you?” His very serious eyes find mine, but I look away quickly before answering,
“He has been. He’s texted me, too. That’s why I was so upset.”
Charlie suddenly moves his thumb over my phone and brings it to his ear.
“Charlie, you don’t have to –” I whisper frantically, but he speaks into the phone before I can finish.
“Who is this?” His usually smooth, deep voice is low and intense.
I can hear the noisiness of the other line, but I can’t tell what Jason says in response. “Don’t call her again,” Charlie says, raising his voice only slightly, “Tonight or ever.”
He hangs up immediately and stands up from the bed. His jaw is tight, and his eyes look furious. He stands close to me, looking down into my gray eyes,
“You should have called me when he started bothering you.”
“I know,” I look down and press my forehead against his chest as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. He is wearing another button-down, flannel shirt, a different one this time, but the softness is comforting and I rub my nose against it as he speaks,
“It’s alright, baby,” He kisses the top of my head, “Come on, let’s go home.”
I freeze as he casually walks over and picks up my bag again, because he’s just said let’s and home.
He turns around and I see that his hard expression is gone, and there is a grin on his face as he holds his hand out for me to take.
Our fingers intertwine as we walk to the door; he opens it, turning off the light.
“Do you still have my phone?”
“It’s in my pocket,” He says, keeping ahold of my hand as we make our way to the stairs.
When we’re outside, I look around nervously, without thinking. I guess a part of me is scared that Jason and his friends will be parked near.
Charlie picks up on my uneasiness immediately, looking down at me and squeezing my hand, “Stella, you’re safe with me, he can’t hurt you now.”
We’re approaching his car, and he opens the door for me. I rise to my tiptoes and kiss his soft cheek before climbing in, feeling instantly relieved.
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