That name! How it mocked my very existence. I knew this name much too well. A label bestowed upon me by my human parents lifetime after lifetime.
I was Jiva in India. The living. The existing.
I was Ahelia in Israel. The breath. The source of life.
I was Hawwa in Egypt. A woman. The giver of life.
I was was Qi in China. The life force.
I was Yolihuani in Mexico. The source of life
I was Enid in London. Soul. Life.
I was Evalouise in Mississippi. The famous giver of life.
I was Yoshiki in Japan. Perfumed life.
I was Eshe in Somalia. I was Vidal in Spain. In the present lifetime, I was called 'Asha'. All meant 'life'.
No matter how differently it had been written; no matter how differently it had been said in those lifetimes, the meaning and essence was the same. Life.
The women who gave birth to me must have known who and what I was to let me bask in the irony of the name they bestowed upon me in the last ten lives I led. Were they warned just like when Maryam was told that she was to bring Yeshua into this world? It must have been terrifying for my mothers to know that they were bringing death into the world. Did they think that by naming me the way they did would counteract the curse I brought? A curse. To humans, dying was a curse. Indeed. The feeling was mutual. Humanity was a curse! I did not understand why I continued to walk the earth in this form. No, I was not condemned to live as a human. I brought myself to life willingly, and I could not remember the reason why. I accepted a challenge ten lifetimes ago. If I killed this body now then I would have completed my eleventh life. But will it stop here? It has to! I need this life to be my last. I can not keep looking for answers to questions. I want to forget. Forget what exactly? The reason why I had been walking the earth? That I was human? I can not live again in another time, in another body! I felt like something was churning within me, just underneath my heart. My heart was beating so fast that I thought I was going to choke. I tried to keep my breathing in a steady rhythm, otherwise I would explode. I could not understand all these emotions, but I knew hate tainted the blood that ran through my veins. Humanity was so defenseless against all these frivolous emotions! It was consuming every ounce of my energy. Living a life that was susceptible to these emotions was insufferable. I did not want to feel weakness. I did not want to be vulnerable.
I am Death! I do not belong here!
"Asha?" I heard the voice again.
Pain. I felt a pang of pain throbbing inside my head as I was forced to awaken from my true reality.
"Can you hear me?" asked the soft voice.
Yes, I could hear him but I refused to stir. Maybe I could return to my true self if I shut him out.
"If you can hear me," he continued, "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I didn't expect things to lead to this."
I sensed the regret in his voice, and it somehow made my emotions stir. I was fully awake but I refused to open my eyes. Pretending to be asleep, I kept still. Maybe he will stop talking. Maybe, with a little more effort, I can shut him out.
"Asha?"
Stop calling me that! I yelled at him in my mind, not being able to hold myself back from frowning.
I heard him take a quick draw of breath. He sprung closer to the edge of the bed and asked, "Are you awake? Can you hear me? How are you feeling?" he asked without a pause.
A painful moan escaped me. "What are you doing here?" I finally whispered with a grimace. I wanted to be alone.
He leaned closer, and I could feel the warmth of his minty breath. A finger, or two, waved past my face for whatever reason. "I wanted to be here." He paused. "In case you needed something."
I turned my head to the side, away from him. "I don't need anything," I told him tersely. "You can go now." He did not move. This boy was stubborn. I slid my hands to my sides, ready to prop myself up, when I felt his hand on my shoulder.
"Here let me help you," he offered.
I shut my eyes even tighter. "No!" I exclaimed abruptly. My eyebrows knitted together. The silence between us felt uncomfortable. I took a deep breath. "No," I repeated in a much calmer tone. "No, thank you." He stood still, watching me while I pushed myself up with difficulty. The throbbing in my head knocked even harder when I sat up. My left hand shot towards my temple. This hand felt restricted and heavy. I retreated the hand away from my temples and drew it closer to my chest, opening and closing my fingers. Like a blind person, I ran my right hand over it, allowing my fingertips feel across the surface. The tubes were back; more tape was used this time. I pressed lightly on it only to jerk at the pain. I bit my lower lip to restrain myself from yelping.
"A-are you all right? Do you want me to call the nurse?"
In spite of my unpleasant demeanor, he had chosen to stay. His voice was warm, kind and soothing. I turned towards his direction, still with my eyes closed. "Why are you still here?"
There was a long pause between us. I sensed him sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand resting next to my hip. "I thought I'd stay to keep you company."
His words brought me to a jolt. "What did you say?" I snapped. My head moved abruptly towards his direction. With distant memories incoherently flooding my mind, the pulsating pain that was incapacitating this body became irrelevant.
"I said, I stayed to keep you company," he repeated. I could sense the uneasiness in his voice while he fidgeted next to me.
What's wrong with me? A lump formed in my throat. It seemed like there was and invisible hand wrapping itself around my heart. I grimaced at the discomfort brought about by the inquietude his words have caused.
"Asha? Are you all right?"
His hand rested on top of mine, and a surge of electricity seemed to have flowed from the gentleness of his fingertips, and into my skin. I pulled my hand back from his touch. "Don't touch me!" I spoke ever so softly so he could not hear how my voice quivered in fear. I pulled my knees close to my chest as if it could be used as an armor to shield my heart. Fear. I was ready to burst in laughter. Why do I feel fear? Is this what I have been reduced to? Angels, demons and saints fear me! They tread around me with their eyes closed. The fallen gouged their eyes out as a defence to protect themselves from me. Then here I was with my eyes tightly shut, desperately relying on my other senses to understand the world around me.
He stood up from the bed. "Shall I call the doctor? A-Are you in pain?" He paused for a deep intake of breath. "Please, tell me what you need."
"I–" I stopped. What did I need? I needed everything to be back as they were. I rested my arms over my knees and buried my face in them. "I need–" I could not go on like this. I need to get out of here! I felt his hand rest on my back. I felt the electricity once again, and this time I could not even retreat.
"Asha?"
Why does he keep calling me that?
"Asha, I just want to–"
"Stop," I whispered. "Please! Just stop!" I buried my face deeper in my arms. "I do not belong here. I need...I need to die." My whole body was shaking.
He propped himself back on the bed, facing me, his hands on my shoulders. I could feel the caress of his thumbs, lightly moving back and forth. "Asha, calm down," he said softly. "Listen to me. You don't need to die! Don't say things like that!" He let out a heavy huff of breath. "Man! They must have stuffed you with so much drugs–" He stopped. One hand let go of my shoulder, and found its way on the side of my head. I felt him comb his fingers through my hair slowly. "Everything will be all right," he said in a low voice. "You will be all right."
The shaking stopped. My breathing was calm. My pulse stopped screaming...When I was detached from this life, I could hear thousands upon thousands of voices all at the same time. Yet, the drumming sound of my body was deafening. I felt both his hands move to each side of my head, just over my ears. Can he hear my thoughts? I wondered.
"Asha?"
I hated that name, and all the other ones that came before it. I did not respond. "Asha, will you look at me?" he asked.
In this world, my powers had been overwhelmed by the weakness of this body. In my human form, I was no threat to the Holy, the Fallen, nor the Blessed. In my human form, I was no threat to the living until the day I warn them of my return. With my eyes still tightly shut, I slowly lifted my head from behind my arms. What is there to lose? This girl had...No...I had hidden behind the masks to run away from my past. I will not run anymore. I will see this lifetime through. I need to know how this life unfolds so I know how to end it.
His hands slid gently down to my cheeks. The warmth of his palms made me breath ever so deeply. Slowly, I opened my eyes. Everything was a haze to me. I squinted at the fluorescent lights' harsh welcome. His face was a blur. I was seeing double. For a moment, his double hovered around him, and it was not long until his double joined him as he started coming into focus. I found myself staring into the deepest shade of blue. It was like being submerged underneath the ocean, and looking up at the beams of sunshine that pierced through the ocean's roof. A silent gasp escaped from my lips as I saw the face that stared back at me. I felt myself soaring as I gazed upon the face that was chiseled into perfection.
It was he.
The Angel of Surrender.
My Zacharael.
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