Chapter 11
"Slowly."
I did as he said, but the slow brush of the fabric against my skin was making everything worse. He didn't understand that I was just about ready to spill everything. He didn't understand how this entire process made my whole body throb.
When my pants finally fell to my ankles, I breathed a sigh of relief. "You'll come when I tell you to." He said." And not a second before."
I bit my lip, and suddenly I was brought back to another time, in another place, with another master. A master who'd said the same words and had been more than just disappointed when I'd let him down. At that moment, I could have sworn I felt my scars tingle from just the memory of that day. I had let him down and he had been right to punish me, but I couldn't do what he'd asked. I didn't even understand how other people did it. My body just didn't work that way, and now I was going to disappoint Damion too. I nodded to him anyway.
He was going to be so upset with me when I couldn't do it. I shifted from foot, then clasped my hands behind my back and stood as still as I could manage, because a good sub didn't fidget. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe my body wouldn't betray me since I liked this new master better than the others. Maybe—
"Focus Cam."
I glanced up at Damion, who was still watching me.
"Sorry, I—"
"What's wrong?" he interrupted, and I shook my head.
"Nothing." Was my automatic response. When his eyes narrowed, I tacked on 'sir' at the end.
"Something's obviously troubling you. Tell me what it is."
Damion was a good master. He was always nice to me, and the only thing I ever did was show him just how useless I was. I didn't know what a lot of his toys were for. I didn't like the whips and I wasn't good at keeping form like he wanted. If I could just do something to make him proud of me, then it would make sense for him to be nice to me. If he wanted me come when he said, then maybe if I just tried hard enough, then I could do it.
"No sir. Nothing's wrong." It would be stupid to tell him the truth. I wanted him to like me, not get tired of me. I had to show him that I was competent.
My master propped his elbow unto the arm of the couch, and ran a finger under his chin slowly, as he sat watching me. I couldn't understand his expression. It was blank and unreadable, but his gaze was hard and piercing as he watched me, and I looked away when I couldn't meet his eyes anymore.
I could already feel myself wilting as the discomfort that this new silence brought set in. I unclasped my hands and folded them in front of me as the silence continued. I looked at my feet and at the painting above his head. Everywhere but at him.
"Why are you lying to me?" he finally said, and his voice was quiet and cold.
I shook my head, meeting his cold stare for a second, before I looked away again. "I'm not."
"You are." The cold voice continued. "And the longer you stand here denying it, the more insulting it becomes."
I bit my lip, and suddenly my chest felt tight. When the puppy started whining, I automatically glanced over at him. "Don't look at him, look at me." Damion said, and I tore my eyes away from Happy.
"I—I didn't mean to lie, I was just..." I trailed off because he was staring at me with that same dead look that only made me nervous, and the tightening in my chest got worse. I shifted from foot to foot and my throat became dry.
"What did I tell you about honesty? Do you remember?"
I nodded quickly "Yes sir."
He made a sweeping gesture with his hand "Remind me."
You said..." I felt sick to my stomach. Everything had been going so well and now he was looking at me like I was something nasty that was stuck to the bottom of his shoe. "You said I have to be honest with you."
He seemed to consider it, then he nodded slowly. "What else?"
"I didn't mean to lie. It was stupid. I won't do it again. I promise." I pled with him, but his expression didn't change.
"What else Cam?"
I felt that stupid prickling at the back of my eyes, and I blinked rapidly to keep it at bay. "You said that if I'm not honest with you then it means I don't respect you... but I do."
I blinked a few more times, but the moisture was already there and I felt like an even bigger idiot as he sat watching me. "I was just...It's just that I can't do what you said. I'm not good at that. I can't just come if you say it. That never worked for me before." I hurried to explain, but my words came together in one long mush and at that point, I wasn't even sure if he understood what I was saying. "I didn't want to disappoint you. I just wanted to try and see if maybe it would work this time." I continued.
"Cam I'm training you so you can learn these things. I've already told you that if you have a problem you need to tell me. I've shown you nothing but respect and the only thing I've asked you to do is show me respect in return."
"I—"
"If it's one thing I can't stand, it's a liar."
I understood what it was that I was seeing in his eyes now. It was anger. I flinched at his words.
"Get dressed." He said, and as I bent to do what he said, the moisture that had collected began to fall, and I felt ten times the idiot for it, because I hadn't meant to cry and I hated for him to see me do it.
I heard him stand just as I was pulling up my pants, and when I glanced up, it was to see him towering over me. When he raised his hand, I didn't think. I let go of the pants and covered my head with my arms as I fell to my knees. It hurts less if you make yourself smaller. The words sounded in my head as I waited for the first blow to my uncovered back. He was big and strong, so it was going to hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut tight and I didn't realize I was no longer pleading in my head, until I heard my own voice in the silence. "Please." I was begging him. I was scared. I didn't want it to hurt. I was sorry. I would never lie to him again. "Please." I didn't want it to hurt. I would never lie to him again. Never.
"Cam." I heard my name, but I didn't understand what it meant. I didn't feel any pain. Why wasn't I feeling any pain?
"Cam." His voice was soft, but it was firm, and the hands that were supposed to me hitting me, were wrapped around my upper arms. I didn't feel any pain.
"Cam." I slowly looked up when I heard him say my name again, and found him crouching beside me. He slowly unhooked my arms from around my head, and I watched him carefully. He was holding my arms, but I tried to keep my face as far away from him as possible. Hits to the face were worse than on anywhere else, and now I couldn't shield myself.
"Please." I begged him, and when he finally let me go, I pushed as far away from him as the coffee table behind me would allow.
He didn't come after me, and when I took the chance and met his eyes, they didn't look angry anymore. I didn't know what they looked like, but they didn't look angry. That was the most important thing.
"I'm sorry." I told him. "I won't ever lie again. I swear."
He didn't say anything. He just looked at me for a moment, then I watched him rub the side of his head with his fingers; like you would do if you had a headache. I don't know how long passed, but after what felt like forever, he held out a hand towards me, and I looked at it, then at him.
"Come here Cam."
I looked at the hand. Palm up and waiting for me to take it, but my heart was pounding in my chest and I didn't know if this was a trick; like the one master Drake used to play. He wanted me to feel safe; then he would hit me because it was all a part of the game. He was punishing me, because you didn't lie to your master and get away with it. Master Drake never liked lying either.
I watched his outstretched hand. I shouldn't have lied. I should have been good. I reached out a hand to take his and it shook so bad, I wondered if he noticed. When I felt the drip on my knee, I realized I was crying. Master Drake didn't like when I cried. A good sub could take anything, but my hand wouldn't stop shaking, and I tried to wipe away the tears with my other hand but it wouldn't stop.
When his hand finally closed around mine, he pulled me to him and I waited for it, but it never came. He didn't hit me and he didn't shout or anything. He was just holding me. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against the side of my head, and I could hear his heartbeat as he held me to him. It was steady.
He didn't hit me.
"I'm so sorry." I apologized again. "I won't lie ever again. I swear. I swear."
"Jesus Cam." He breathed.
It took a while, but my own heartbeat finally steadied, and I felt like maybe he hadn't been too mad at me after all. I figured I was lucky this time. I wouldn't make him angry again. This time I was lucky.
"I don't think I can fix you." He whispered after a long time, and his arms tightened around me.
.......................................
~Damion~
They had broken him.
There was no part of him that they had left intact, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix that. What Cam needed was help; real help, from a person who was certified to do just that, and come Monday morning, bright and early, he would begin his first session with his brand new therapist. He didn't know it yet, but I'd already called and set up an appointment, and he was going— come hell or high water.
I stirred the ice in my glass absently, as my mind went back to the events from earlier. I saw Cam cowering on the floor, arms thrown over his head for protection...from me. As if I could lay a hand against him in anger. As if I could have hurt an innocent like him. I closed my eyes and saw him on the floor, trembling and afraid, and when he'd tried to get away from me, that look on his face... pure terror.
I took a sip of the bitter liquid, and opened my eyes again when I heard his laughter. He was in the pool with the dog, teaching it to swim, or watching it drown; I wasn't sure which, but he was grinning from ear to ear; as cheerful and excited as a human could be. It was as if he hadn't been crying and terrified on my living room floor not even two hours before.
It was as if the events of earlier hadn't happened. Just like that, everything was right with the world again for him. He just wanted to know that I wasn't upset with him, and then everything was right as rain.
I took another sip of the liquor, and felt the hot slide of it down my throat. They had taken him and had damaged him to the point where the only thing that was left was a battered, raw shell of the man he could have been.
Thirty minutes I'd been sitting here by the pool side just watching him swim and play with that damn dog, and every single time he looked over at me, it was with that same grin and that same god awful look in his eyes; like I was his goddamn savior.
Less than two hours before, he had wholeheartedly believed I was going to beat the living shit out of him, and still, he looked at me like I'd hung the sun.
I turned the glass to my head and swallowed its contents. Abuse was normal to him. It had become a part of his life and he expected it. He expected it from me, and today I had come to understand that I couldn't teach him otherwise—not without help.
The puppy kicked its little legs and made it all the way over to him, and Cam turned to me to make sure I had seen it. He grinned, but I didn't have it in me to return it. Not that it mattered to Cam; no, Master Damion wasn't mad at him, so all was right with the world.
I shook my head.
I could still feel his small frame trembling in my arms. I could still hear his quiet sobbing and feel his tears soaking through my shirt. Yet, there he was, splashing away in the pool; happy and grateful.
I poured myself another glass.
Monday morning, bright and early; come hell or high water.
............................................
Later that night, a large pizza and a glass of coke in his belly, Cam lay in the couch, pretending he wasn't tired, as he strained to keep his eyes open. He'd been the one to pick the movie, and had claimed it was one of his favorites, but he'd had a long day and it was late.
He was stretched out on the couch with his head in my lap, and his arms wrapped around one of the pillows. I brushed the hair from his face and his eyes fluttered open. He mumbled something, and even managed to keep his eyes on the screen for a solid three seconds before they drifted shut again. I turned the lever on the side of the couch and the seat reclined. Cam curled into a ball and burrowed his head deeper into my lap, mumbled something, and once again went silent.
I glanced over his small frame. He was such a puny little thing. I pulled the throw blanket off the arm of the chair and covered him with it, then settled in. We'd sleep on the couch tonight. I reached for the remote and turned down the volume.
The movie was ridiculous at best; one of those foolish super hero movies. The acting was terrible, the graphics much worse, and the storyline a mess. Yet, it was one of his favorites. I ran a hand over his cheek; soft, smooth and warm. He was so young and innocent. How could anyone really look at someone like Cam and even think to hurt him?
I ran a finger along the tips of his lashes. He had so much to learn, and he was so eager for instruction; so desperate for attention. He would literally jump off of a bridge if you told him to. Why hurt someone who only wanted your approval?
I traced my index finger over the tip of his nose and he unconsciously reached a hand up to brush it away.
I didn't get emotionally involved with my submissives. They were for pleasure; each one a new challenge, and if I could tame them; if I could bend them completely to my will, then I had succeeded and I could move on to the next one. You add emotions to the mix and that would only bring trouble. You let your guard down even a little bit, and you could lose yourself. If you lost yourself, then you would get hurt. So no emotions. You played your games and you enjoyed your challenges, and if you ended up going to bed alone nine times out of ten, then you were winning. It was the way I liked it, and nothing would change that; not Cam; not anybody.
I ran a thumb over his lips and smiled when he licked them.
I couldn't train him now. Pulling him any deeper into the lifestyle when he was as broken as he was, would only damage him further. What Cam needed was to find himself. Right now he was being held together by tape, when what he needed was to be healed.
I would take him to see the therapist on Monday, and from there, we would start the process. Outside of that, I would give him small glimpses into the lifestyle; I'd let him see what it meant to be a part of a healthy relationship, and I'd do that by introducing him to people like Paul and Tate. I'd take him to The Warm Room so he could have a talk to the more experienced subs; the ones who understood that they were the ones who were really in charge; the ones who knew their worth.
No sex toys; especially not the ones that could cause pain; not right now; not until he was whole.
Cam mumbled something indecipherable and his brows furrowed. I smoothed them out with my fingers and he sighed; all the worry leaving his face.
...........................................
"Do you think it's okay if we go? The doctor said he should get lots of rest." Cam asked Donny for about the third time since we'd begun our journey. We were on our way to the annual family barbeque, which really mostly consisted of friends who were like family and their family.
"Is he always such a worrywart?" Donny glanced at me, and Cam frowned at him from the backseat.
"Monte says worrying is healthy. It means you're human."
Donny snorted. "If I ever meet this Monte person, I'll run him over with my truck for you."
"Monte's a woman."
"A family barbeque is exactly what Damion needs." Donny continued. "It'll make him less of a thorny, wilting rose and more like...an ugly little daisy."
In the back, Cam giggled, "A big handsome daisy."
I would have rolled my eyes if I were prone to such a thing.
"Whatever floats your boat kid." Donny replied, before making a sharp right at the intersection. I placed a hand over my bandaged torso, and prayed for us to reach our destination before my brother killed us.
Cam appeared over my shoulder. "Do you want to take a pill?" he questioned, his voice filled with concern.
"Seatbelt." I said, and with another quick glance at my torso, he sat back and pulled his seatbelt over himself and clicked it into place.
Donny glanced at me, then back at the road ahead. "The kid's right, you look like you're just about ready to lose your lunch." Then almost as an afterthought; "Don't throw up in here. I just got it cleaned yesterday."
I closed my eyes and decided to focus instead on the steady throbbing under my bandages. I'd almost forgotten how irritating it could be to sit in the same space with my brother for an extended period.
When Happy started barking, I seriously considered flinging him out the window, but the thought passed as soon as it had come, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the front seat of Donny's truck. A quick glance out the window, told me we were finally pulling into his driveway; which was already lined with cars.
When we exited the vehicle, Cam followed suit, with Happy in his arms. I assumed he was using the puppy as a shield from the rest of the world, but Happy turned traitor and wriggled out of his arms the second we entered the house, and disappeared from sight seconds later.
"Oh Donny you're here. Go fire up the grill, it's getting late!" Anna called on her way over to greet us, and a moment later, Donny too disappeared.
"Damion you came! I was worried you wouldn't be feeling well enough" she hugged me, and when she pulled away she smacked me on the arm with her over mitts. "Don't you dare scare me like that again. I couldn't believe it when Donny told me what happened to you." She began "You don't get an injury like this and keep it from your family Damion. I was so worried."
"I promise I'm fine. It's not that serious."
"I think you need to come stay with us for a while and let us take care of you. It's not right for you to stay in that big empty house all by yourself in your condition. Anything could happen and we wouldn't have a clue."
"Damion says I can stay and take care of him this week." Cam spoke up for the first time, and Anna blinked in surprise when she noticed he was standing there.
"Oh sweetheart, where are my manners. I'm Anna, Donny's wife." She began. "You must be Cam, I've heard so much about you." She pulled him into a motherly hug, which Cam returned hesitantly. When she pulled away, she beamed at him. "Well if you're taking care of our Damion, then I'm sure he'll be in good hands. Are you hungry?"
"Ah...not right now. Thank you."
"Alright, well food will be ready in a couple of hours anyway, so you two go on out back and have fun. And don't even think of lifting a finger to help Damion. You need to relax." She swatted my arm again, and a moment later she was gliding from the room and into the kitchen.
I led Cam down the hall and out the back door. The back yard was filled with guests; most of whom I recognized. Cam moved closer toward me as we stepped off the porch, and I imagined he was probably overwhelmed by all the faces he'd never seen before, so I took his hand and he held on to it like it was a lifeline.
I introduced him to my friends; old and new, and while he offered a polite hello, he chose not to join in on any conversations. Instead, he stuck to my side like glue; his hand clinging to mine as we waded through the crowd. He took the time to observe, and every time we got a moment alone, he made his comments; whether it be about the people; whom he confessed he liked, or the scenery or the food; which had finally begun to circulate about an hour or so after we had arrived.
Donny, who spent most of his time around his brand new outdoor grill, took pride in not only bragging to our friends about what it could do, but had decided to give mini grilling tutorials to all those who showed even a remote interest.; which amused Cam to no end.
Two hours into the barbeque, I introduced him to another late arrival; James Cordon; a fellow Dom and one of my good friends.
"He's beautiful Damion." James complimented, and Cam's face turned the brightest shade of red at his words. His hand tightened on mine.
"I'd heard you'd started training again, but I didn't quite believe it."
"Oh there you are Cam!" Anna called out as she made her way over to us. She looped her arm through Cam's. "Come on, let's have a little talk now that I have some free time."
Cam looked up at me; eyes pleading, as though he wished me to rescue him, but I offered him no help and she carted him away.
He needed to learn to socialize anyway. This would be a good experience for him.
"Cam's a special case." I told James, who nodded thoughtfully.
"I've never known you to go after the quiet ones." He said. "I thought you liked to break the rebels in."
I chuckled. "Those days are over I think. After Cam, I'm done training...if you can call what I'm doing with him training anyway."
"What do you mean?"
I glanced in the direction Anna had taken Cam. "Cam's had a rough go of it. I don't think he's even ready for the lifestyle."
James nodded. "Ah. What was it? A bad experience?"
"Experiences. Plural. I don't even know that I can help him to be honest."
"Well if anyone can help him, you can, but just in case, feel free to send him my way. I did say he was beautiful."
I chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind."
By nightfall the crowd had dissipated some, and what was left of the visitors sat around the bonfire. The kids were roasting marshmallows, while the rest of us talked. Cam sat at my feet with Happy in his lap, and across from us sat Donny and Anna— wrapped in each other's arms on the lawn chair. It had been a good day.
The turnout had been far better than the previous year, Donny hadn't burned the steaks, and I'd been able to catch up with good friends that I hadn't realized I had missed until I actually saw them. Donny and I had even managed to get a couple business potentials in along the way, and Cam had smile more today than I'd seen him smile in all the time I'd known him.
A good day.
"It's definitely an interesting idea." Mason, one of our business partners was saying. "Chicago could be what we've been looking for. Interestingly enough, I know the perfect spot to open a place like ours. There's a building that's for sale. It'll cost us a pretty penny, but if all goes well, it would probably be worth it."
"Yeah well, let's not be hasty." Donny interrupted. "We still need to see the numbers so we can make sure it's a good investment, but to be honest, I don't see Chicago as the answer."
"A visit to the place wouldn't hurt. We could arrange a tour with the owners. The location is a steal; right in the business district. They probably have a number of offers on the table already." Mason continued and I nodded.
"A quick trip wouldn't hurt."
"Good. Let's just get Paul up to speed and we can head out there as early as next week."
"Well if it's such a steal as you say, then earlier sounds better than later. How about Wednesday?"
I considered this and nodded. "I could manage it."
Cam looked up at me, and across the fire, Donny shrugged. "I don't have a problem with that."
"Wow...another branch. I can't believe just how far you guys are coming from." Anna said with a smile. "To think, three years ago the first one was just thoughts on paper, now look at us."
I nodded. We'd definitely come a far way. I'd have to book a ticket tomorrow. I glanced down at Cam again. He was plucking at the grass beside him. Maybe I'd even take him along with me.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
EXAMS ARE OFFICIALLY OVER WHICH MEANS I'M BACK!
Enjoy! and thanks for reading.
-DoUbLe.A
-unedited