Millie
His minty breath mixed with alcohol and the taste of nicotine were clouding my mind as he slammed his lips onto mine and kissed me. His lips fit perfectly into mine and his tongue entered my mouth seconds later. His hand grabbed the back of my head to press me into him even more and his other hand was squeezing my waist.
Physically I was standing there but emotionally I was somewhere else. His kiss felt nice, but my mind screamed stop it.
I abruptly disconnected our lips and closed my eyes to escape this scenario for a second. I wanted nothing more than to be alone and think. Harry clouded my mind and I couldn't get a thought straight. On one hand I wanted to trust him, to tell him and to let this happen, but on the other hand I knew it was a mistake. Everything was a mistake. Him being here, him kissing me, sleeping with him and letting him inside my head.
Harry wiped a tear away from my cheek, I didn't knew escaped. But as soon as I realised it, a sob escaped my mouth and I felt myself shaking uncontrollably, trying to hold back my mental breakdown I was about to get.
"Millie.." he softly called and his green eyes screamed for answers.
"I.. I can't.." I tried to form a sentence while tears were streaming down my face. "I want to.. but.." I sobbed pathetically, "I just can't.." I wiped my tears, but it was senseless since they were flooding down.
Harry slung his arms around me and pressed me against him for comfort. My forehead rested on his broad chest and my tears soaked his shirt. He rubbed my back and held my head, while kissing my forehead.
"It wasn't my intention to make you sad." He quietly admitted.
"It's not that.. I just have so much.. in my head and I don't know what to do." My words were muffled by my sobs and my mouth which was pressed in Harry's shirt.
He let go of me, "sit down, love." he said and I did as he told me. I sat down, pressing my knees to my chest and let my head rest on my knees, still crying.
"What happened?" He asked, his voice low and careful.
"I told you, I'm fucking pathetic. Harry you need to understand that you deserve better than me. You need to understand that I can never be what you want me to be. I'm fucking lost and I don't know what to do. I thought coming here was a good idea, but it wasn't. I thought everything would turn out better, but it's getting worse and worse, day by day." I started crying again, wanting to explain so bad what was going on in my head, but it didn't even made sense to me, so how could I explain it to someone else?
"I don't get it. You are not pathetic and why would I deserve someone better?" He asked.
"You see me as this strong and indepent woman, but I am not. I don't even know who I am, living with someone for years, telling you how useless and pathetic.." I couldn't make it further because my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I took it out and saw that Isaac called me.
I gave Harry and apologetic look and he just smiled.
I took in a breath and answered the call, "Isaac, hey." I softly spoke, tried to hide the fact that I was an emotional wreck right now.
"Sisteeeeeerrr.." he slurred. "Are you drunk?" I laughed and I could just see him grinning from ear to ear.
"Fuck yes. I am so smashed but I miss you so I thought I'd call you to let you know," hiccup, "that I miss you." hiccup.
"Oh Isaac, I miss you too." I half laughed, half sobbed, "how are things? Everything's alright?" I asked, I could hear someone screaming Isaacs name but he told her to shut up and get lost. "Yes, everything's the same old ways. Are you crying? What the fuck?" He almost yelled and I weakly laughed. "Yes, but it's just that I'm missing you all so much and that's why I'm crying." I explained, even though it was a big fat lie. Of course I missed them, it just wasn't my reason for crying.
"Since when do you have emotions?" He sarcastically said and I laughed. "England's changing you." He stated.
"Yes, England is doing some things to me." I laughed and Harry chuckled next to me.
"Was that a guy? Are you talking to me while fucking Millie? That's disgusting and I.." but I stopped him right there.
"Oh my fucking god. It's just a friend and no I'm not having sex while talking to you, I'm not you." I stated and made him remember that night I called him so he could get me from a party, but little did I know he was having sex that moment. I only got to know when we played truth or dare and he had to admit it.
"Yes, tell me again. It's not like twenty years ago." he slurred.
"It literally happened last year you bastard." I laughed and he joined.
"Okay, I'm leaving now babe. Just wanted to know if everything's okay. Call me soon, I love you." he said and I bit my goodbye and ended the call.
"Way to ruin the moment." I stated and Harry just nodded, exhaling smoke from the cigarette he lit after I answered Isaac's call.
"Can I ask you something?" Harry asked while looking into the night sky.
"Depends.." I chuckled but he just stared blankly into the night.
"With whom did you live who told you these things? Your parents?" He furrowed his eyebrows and was not looking at me.
I remembered what I told him a few minutes ago and my heart stopped beating for a moment. What am I doing here? Why I'm I telling him all these things? I needed to stop right here.
"Uhm.. no.. I lived with my brother." I lied and instantly slapped my hand on my forehead in my mind.
"But this just sounded like you two get along perfectly?" He didn't believe me, but how could I blame him.
Way to go, Millie.
"I.. uhhh.." I tried to form a sentence, but no way.
"You know what," Harry threw his cigarette over the balcony and stood up, "If you don't want to trust me or don't want to talk, then just say so instead of fucking lying. I will be there for you and I want to help, but I'm not here so you can lie to me. You could've just told me to back off and get lost, but all you did was lying or shouting and I'm not your punching bag. I'll leave." he walked towards the patio door and opened it, I was too shocked to say something. He turned around, his gaze filled with sadness, "You know what the sad part is? That probably tomorrow, when you need someone to help you or talk to, I will be there, because I care way too much for you." he said disappointedly and left.
After a few seconds I heard the door slam shut and that's when I broke down. I started crying uncontrollably and shaking. My forehead rested on my knees and the tears were soaking my skin. The cold air blew around me, making whistle sounds but I couldn't care less. I had nothing to care about. I just sat there, like the pathetic creature I am and cried instead fighting for what I wanted.
But what did I want? Going back home? Going to Harry? Living life without Harry and just doing good in college? Stop this college shit and get a job?
That's the thing, I didn't knew.
Harry could give me so much more than he already did. He could love me, no doubt. But sooner or later he would leave, like everyone. I'm not an easy going person, I'm complicated, stubborn and I keep things to myself. He was so open minded, kind and funny and I appreciated him so much. But I would destroy every piece of innocence in him that he had. He had his own problems and I just couldn't add mine to his, it would be selfish and I was too proud to add this thing to my already long list of things I am.
I knew that graduating college and then starting somewhere new would be the best. Just living life like I imagined it, without anyone bothering me. I wanted to be independent and strong minded, with no one stopping me. I wanted to see the world and visit foreign countries, I wanted to write about everything.
Love would only be in my way.
I needed to concentrate on writing and on my goal. I was long enough into this cage called life. I was long enough weak and I cared too much about people.
But when I stopped writing, I stopped feeling and a piece of me died.
The last time I truly wrote my feelings down was a long time ago. Maybe three years? Since then I only wrote nonsense and that's why I completely stopped. The things I wrote weren't coming from my heart and had no meaning or feelings. So there was no point in doing it.
I got up from my chair, my legs felt numb and I walked slowly into my room, closing the patio door behind me.
I saw Harry's hoodie on the couch and walked towards it, taking it and pulling it on.
He smelled so good and and I instantly felt safe. I felt something engulfing me, I haven't felt in a long time.
The feeling of being happy.
And that's when I ran into my room, took a pen and my block from my desk and stared at it. I blinked a few times and sat down on my bed, the pen between my teeth and the block on my lap.
And then I started writing.
'might as well' I wrote as the headline.
'when you want something, you might as well fight for it.
when you love something, you might as well love unconditionally.
when you need someone, you might as well save yourself.
but what if those might as wells are harder to reach than you thought? what if those might as wells get lost in a green forest, taking your will?
what if I never wanted to reach the goals after those might as wells? maybe, just maybe those things that come before that might as wells, are everything you need? because when you close your eyes and truly think about it, everything you really need are those things you find in this green forest? what if you just take a look around and finally realise that those might as wells are those things everyone dreams of, but not things everyone needs.
so if you start fighting, you might as well win.'
I leaned into my mattress, my back hurting from the position I sat in for over an hour, writing.
I stupidly smiled to myself, knowing I have found my muse again. Knowing that I needed to fight and stop doubting myself. I knew that things with Harry took time for me, to fully trust him and to let him completely in. But it was worth the fight and maybe it would, for once, end good.
I knew what I had to do and I would fight.
I grabbed my keys and ran out of my apartment, one floor up to Harry's. I took a deep breath and knocked loudly, making my presence known the everyone.
After a few minutes I knocked again, hoping he would be home, but no one answered.
Disappointed I turned around and told myself to come tomorrow morning again and tell him, what I wanted to tell him. And first of all, I needed to apologise.
But then I heard the door opening, I closed my eyes and smiled happily to myself, preparing to turn around and kiss him right on his stupid perfect lips.
"Harry I.." I turned around mid sentence, but my blood turned to ice and my heart stopped beating and I was lost for words.
In front of me wasn't Harry, like I expected.
It was that blonde bitch, which I hit when she strangled Harry. I must've looked like an complete idiot, looking at her shocked.
"Can I help you?" she smiled dumbly, her hair was all ruffled up and her lipstick was no where near her mouth.
"I .. wanted.. uhhh." I didn't knew how to react.
"Come back to bed, baby girl." I heard a raspy voice calling and not soon after, Harry appeared behind her, smiling.
That smile, whatever, left his face as soon as he saw me.
"Millie.." he whispered and I looked at him with disgust.
"Sorry, didn't want to interrupt you two lovebirds. I'm leaving." I stated coldly and that blonde slut laughed.
"Sorry, is there anything funny about it to you? You know I wouldn't hesitate for a second to slam your fucking head on the ground again." I threatened and she was taken aback by my words.
"You think so? Bitch, I can fight for myself, just because you got me in a moment where I wasn't prepared, doesn't mean I can't fight." She shot back and took a step towards me and so did I.
"Okay, ladies enough. Hannah get the fuck back in my apartment." Harry stopped us and took Hannah by her wrist and into his apartment.
"What do you want?" he asked coldly after Hannah left again.
"Nothing. Have fun." I spat, my voice filled with venom "but you know what, I hope this bitch chokes on your dick and you choke on your orgasm." and then I turned around and walked back into my apartment, where I jumped into my bed and cuddled my pillow. I refused to cry again and closed my eyes, trying to sleep. It was so stupid of me to think that things would work out for once.
When you want something, you might as well not fight at all, because it's not worth it.