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NOT EDITED, SOZ
Dear Dannie,
I know I haven’t written to you for a while, but I guess it’s hard. Writing to you makes me remember when all I want to do is forget. But I owe it to you, so I will.
Not much has changed in my life expect for one thing. I think I might have a friend. Well, an acquaintance at least. Her name is Willow and she seems to understand that I don’t like talking and doesn’t press it. In fact, I don’t think I have spoken a word to her yet.
Either way, I think I like her. She’s a good person.
I don’t really have much to say now, but I will write again. I promise. Take care, Dan.
Love,
Alex.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The cool air whipped across my face, and I stared up at the sky, hands in my hoodie pocket. The effects of the pill had started to wash over me, and I felt all my hate alleviate. My muscles relaxed, and I couldn’t stop the grin that kept wanting to spread over my face for no reason.
My feet had wandered all over town, and I didn’t even feel tired. I’m pretty sure I crashed into a wall a few times, but I’m pretty sure it was the wall that attacked me. I glared at the wall and muttered ‘I’m watching you, so don’t get any idea’s!’ At that moment a man wondered past me, his face in a frown. He backed away from me slowly.
Ignoring him, I decided to waltz aimlessly around town for a while longer. I smiled contentedly to myself, liking my decision. Yes, I would wander for a while longer. A while. What a weird word.
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile.
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile.
Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile.
I began to chant words that rhymed with while.
“Miiiiiiiile, Kyyyyyyyyyyyle, biiiiiiiiiiile, diaaaal, fiiiiiiiiiiile, DEFILE!” I gasped out loud, and covered my mouth, glancing around. I peered through the dark in attempt to see if anyone had heard me say such a dirty word. Thankfully no one chastised me. Then it hit me. If you said it right it almost sounded like paedophile!
I laughed out loud, doubling over, holding my stomach. Oh man, that was funny. I grinned, my laughter dying out. I wish I could fly. Wow, if I could fly would that make me a bird? I cracked up again as the thought of me as a bird was entertained in my slightly disturbed my mind. Perhaps I should try to fly. Yeah- I should try to fly. In fact, I should go buy a kite. Maybe I could tie myself to it, and it would take me away!
I laughed again, I was too funny. My throat felt dry, and my stomach empty. Uh oh. Naughty Alexander! If Mommy was sober she would yell at me for not eating! The grin wiped off my face as my thoughts swerved towards my rarely sober Mother.
NO, no, no and no! Flying, I was going to learn to fly. Yeah, and then I’d fly to Atlantis. No, wait!- I had to fly underwater to get to Atlantis. I was so smart I should be a doctor! Yeah, I would be a good doctor. I would prescribe chocolate cake! Yum, chocolate cake was goooood.
My feet stumbled forwards, but I was pretty sure I was walking to the moon because the sky slanted and I knew I walking towards it. Then I would know if it really was made of cheese! Yeah!
The thought made me giggle lamely.
Suddenly a thought hit me. If I wanted to go to the moon, surely I had to go to the highest location I knew, then i could fly the rest of the way! My mind set to work, trying to figure out where the highest place I knew was. I was so smart! I could do two things at once! But first, I gotta to think of places that are really high.
On top of my bed?
No. That wasn’t high enough.
How about the roof of the trailer?
No, still not high enough. I groaned, why couldn’t I think of the answer? I grilled my brain, scouring it for an answer.
Suddenly the answer crashed into me, and I giggled giddily at my stupidity. How could I not have seen it before? If I wanted to go to the moon, I would have to build a rocket! Obviously, I had to go to the shops! Stupid Alex!
My warped vision didn’t tell me where I was going, so I would just have to hope I was going the right way. I was pretty sure my ‘Spidey’ instincts would lead me there. The thought made a grin split my face wide open in a guffawing laugh.
I stumbled forward, but felt myself falling over. To make up for this, I tilted in the opposite direction, determined to stay upright. But then the next thing I knew, the ground was rushing up to meet my face, and I welcomed it.
Bam! I groaned at the impact, but didn’t move despite the gravel biting into my cheek. Despite the fact that my stomach was panging with hunger. Despite the fact that I was lying in a ditch on the side of a road in a ‘druggy’ area. My mind was too fuddled to think clearly, but I suddenly felt too drowsy to keep my eyes open. So when they went dark, my mind, too, went dark.
~ ~ ~ ~
And that’s how I awoke in the mouth of an alley way, after passing out who new how many hours earlier.
My head felt as if it had been shoved into a brick wall repeatedly, and with every thump I felt like my blood was carrying molten lead around my body. Everything ached, and I couldn’t make myself move for a few minutes, despite the gravel cutting into my cheek. Even the stiffness in my neck couldn’t make me move.
At long last, my eyes flicked open lethargically after a long time of coaxing. Their gaze lingered on the road ahead for a moment, awaiting to adjust to the glary grey light. A black car drove past, spraying me with ground up asphalt.
I forced my arms to push myself up, but a wave of nausea possessed me, seizing control of my frail, emaciated body. I dry retched uncontrollably until my body decided I had no contents to dispose of. The sun peaked out of a cloud, blinding me due to its phosphorescence.
I attempted to sit up again, and finally managed, but not after every muscle used revolted against me in throe. Managing to stand, I placed a shaking hand on the concrete wall of a warehouse to steady me. The skin of my hand was cut by the coarse finish.
Every tendon ached, but I forced myself to walk. I wasn’t entirely sure where I was, but I stumbled on, trying regain some inner strength. Glaring out at everything and nothing, I used the wall as a support for the next fifty meters, walking along the buildings.
At last I recognized where I was- i was in the back streets behind the strip of shops. Good, at least I would be able to buy something to eat. I paused, unsure of the time. I pulled out my iPod in attempt to answer my uncertainty. However, this was all for nothing as the cracked screen didn’t illuminate when I pressed the button. Great, it was dead.
So, I walked slowly towards where I presumed the front of the cafe would be. I presumed correctly, but it was hard to tell as the corner of my vision was curved. This not only threw off my balance, but made me feel as if I was on some sort of terrible high.
God, what did I have last night?
Standing in front of the cafe, I peered in. No lights shone from the glass out of the window, but I narrowed my eyes in attempt to make out the time from the clock opposite. The clock read ten to six. I frowned. It was still pretty early.
The label on the door informed me that they would open in ten minutes, so I sat down, sliding down the wall. I refused to let my eyes close because I knew the instance I did, I would pass out. I just needed caffeine. Yeah, caffeine. It sounded good.
I exhaled shakily, and wiped my forehead, feeling beads of sweat forming in spite of the icy air. I ended up drumming a tune on my knee, but no music danced in my head. Only fog paraded there. But then again fog was good. It stopped the memories lurking just beyond the fog.
“Erm...hello? Are you okay?”
My head jerked upwards in surprise, thankfully not connecting with the wall this time. Not realizing I had allowed my eyes to flicker closed, I opened them and recognized the owner of the voice. It was the girl who worked at the register, Willow’s friend if I was not mistaken. What was her name again? Sarah?
I suddenly realized that I had been staring at her, and she looked away uncomfortably. This didn’t surprise me as many people found my harsh stare to intense to look at. Which was good, as I didn’t want to make eye contact with people more often than necessary. I hadn’t answered her question.
I nodded, telling her I was fine. She responded with an awkward nod and stood up.
“Well, are you waiting for me to open up?- I’m doing that now...” She trailed off, her eyes not meeting my own. I nodded again but whether she saw or not I didn’t know.
“Alright, give me a minute to open up.” She replied. The brunette stood up, and brushed a strand of her medium length hair behind her ear. After fiddling with the lock, the door finally swung open, where she proceeded to type a security code into a device behind the door.
Her flats barely made a noise on the floor as she walked inside. Giving me a tentative smile she spoke. “You can come in.”
I gave a an almost smile in thanks to be polite, and entered the room. The air wasn’t as toasty as it had been previously, but then again, the heaters probably wouldn’t have been on overnight.
“Alright, make yourself comfortable. I’ll be able to take an order in about ten.”
I replied with a nod, and sat down in the same cracked vinyl seat I had sat in last time. The room was relatively dark and the moment she flicked the light switch on I squinted, my eyes adjusting. I drummed my fingers on the table to pass time. I glanced around and noticed I was sitting in the booth furthest away from the tables scattered in the middle and more separated from the rest. If this room was a representation of my life, I had picked the seat that suited me the best.
Alone, the most unkempt and most antisocial.
I sighed out loud, and ran a finger through my hair. I must have looked terrible. I would have bet my eyes would be blood shot and framed with ‘panda eyes’. My face still felt swollen from the other night and I now donned a few scrapes on my cheek from the sharp rocks I had pace planted previously.
Still wearing the same attire as yesterday, glancing down revealed that the black hoodie was coated in dirt and soot from the ground. My jeans weren’t much better off. It didn’t matter all that much though. After all, beggars can’t be choosers. I stared down at the table, counting the number of coffee rings I could make out on the wooden bench. I was up to seven when I heard the door swing open. A little bell rang out merrily, indicating the new arrival.
Out of instinct, I glanced around. I frowned. Did she come she every morning?
“Heya, Shay. I’m here. You better have my coffee ready, bitch!” Willow called out jokingly. The brunette walked out of the room she was in before and offered up a bright smile.
“Well nice to see you too, slut. Got here late, it will be ready in a minute.” Shay, not Sarah, gave Willow a sardonic smile, but I could see she didn’t mean it.
“Thanks.” Willow replied, lightly humming a tune. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the cash register and placed her face in her hands.
She was wearing a black skirt that arrived at mid thigh with black tights underneath. On top she was wearing a baggy white top that appeared to be paired with a purple and grey checked scarf. Her hair fell infront of her shoulders, and she let out a tired sigh. The only thing she wore that was the same as yesterday was the boots and fingerless gloves.
She looked amazing.
“Hey, Shay...you know that guy I came in here with a few times?” Willow asked out loud. It occurred to me she was unaware of me being here.
“Yeah...” Shay trailed off, giving me a wink. She turned on the machine, and a loud noise started as the coffee started to come out,
“Do...do you think...I’m forcing myself onto him?” She asked, then added in a rush “Coz’ I really wanna get to know him but he still hasn’t spoken to me...I don’t mind if he’s shy or just doesn’t wanna talk...but-but what if I’m annoying to him?”
Shay raised an eyebrow. “Why do you think you’d be annoying him?”
“I-well...I guess I...not many people get on with me, you know? Especially after...you know.” Willow trailed off, looking down, folding her hands together.
Shay sighed before adding. “Well, why don’t you ask him yourself?”
Willow snorted. “Yeah...just go up to him and say, ‘hey, do you find me annoying?’Yep, I can see that working out. I think I should just leave him alone...I mean...I...oh, I don’t know!” Willow through her hands up in the air exasperatedly.
It was that comment that spurred me into action. I stood up, silently walking over to the register. The distance closed between me and the counter in four single smooth steps. I pulled out a crumpled five dollar note and handed it to Shay as she passed Willow her drink. Willow turned around, noticing me there for the first time.
“A-Alexander...h-hi...” Willow’s eyes were bright and wide and she promptly ducked her head, muttering an embarrassed apology to me. Her cheeks were flushed pink and she promptly turned around, glaring at Shay as if to yell at her for not alerting her to my presence. Shay simply smirked as she placed the money in the cash register. It opened with a big click which filled the silence just before Shay turned to me.
“What would you like, Alexander?” Shay asked, looking at me with a twinkle of amusement in her eye. I swallowed, and pointed to the drink that Willow held. Shay laughed, no longer bothered by the fact I wasn’t exactly ‘talkative’.
“Alrighty then.” She set to work.
“Alexander...you didn’t have to pay for that.” Willow mumbled, her words still laced with humiliation. I shrugged in a non committed way. When Shay handed me my drink, I exchanged it for another note.
“Alexander...well...now you heard that...god, this is embarrassing, but do you think I’m annoying?” Willow asked. Her face radiated innocence, and her eyes were completely vulnerable with unveiled honesty. I met her gaze and held it for a full three seconds before turning away, my body facing the table I was at before.
I shook my head rapidly, and gestured for her to come sit with me. Willow gave me a hesitant smile, and walked towards the table with her drink in her hand. Sliding into our seats, Willow smiled. “Well, good morning.”
I gave her a fleeting smile before nodding back to her. Willow stirred her drink with the straw and I figured she was trying to evenly distribute the cinnamon sugar and sprinkles sitting on the top of her cream.
“Here you go.” I looked up and saw Shay placing my drink on the table. I nodded to her in thanks. She returned it with a smile and headed back to the register, preparing something or rather. I became aware of another customer walking in, hugging their coat tightly to themselves.
“So, how has your morning been going?” Willow asked me, taking a sip of her drink through the black straw. I thought briefly back to this morning, giving myself a recap. Firstly, I found I had passed out in some gutter, my body felt as if it was being pumped with poison, I could barely walk, I was covered in dirt and dust, my stomach angrily reminded me it hadn’t been fed, and here I was.
I shrugged dismissively. I picked up my drink and raised the straw to my lips, ending the questioning. I raised an eyebrow at her, and cocked my head to the side. Being talented as she was, Willow picked up on my gestures and replied.
“Oh...you know...it’s going fine...except for when I got mortally humiliated just before...but beside that it’s going pretty well.”
I gave her a small smile, glancing down at the table, suddenly feeling shy. Why would she assume I didn’t like her? She’s...she’s amazing. Oh, and...what happened that knocked her self confidence down a few notches after something happened.
“Well, you’re here pretty early. But I’m glad I saw you...you have no idea how refreshing it is to listen to yourself blabber on about nothing of any importance.” She told me, shrugging nonchalantly, but I could detect a hint of a smile playing on her lips.
I had been drinking when Willow made this comment which caused me to snort in amusement. My drink sprayed everywhere out of my mouth, covering the table, and a few flecks going onto Willow. Willow’s eyes widened for a moment before she dissolved into a fit of laughter.
My eyes widened in embarrassment. I opened my mouth, attempting to stutter out an apology but to no avail. My cheeks turned crimson, and I grabbed a serviette and leaned over the table, wiping the drink off Willow’s cheek.
Her laughter sputtered to a stop, and her hand guided mine, mopping up the last of the flecks. I attempted to withdraw my hand but found my hand lingering on her cheek. I stared at Willow’s face, noticing everything from the way her thick lashed made her eyes appear so much more vulnerable and innocent than she would ever let on in reality, to the light blush that kissed her usually alabaster cheeks. Her hair fell forward in front of her shoulders, falling around her face perfectly in soft waves that were almost unnoticeable. There was no denying it.
She was beautiful.
Her coffee coloured eyes met mine and I held her gaze unrelentingly for a few long moments before releasing her gaze. I suddenly became highly aware of my hand resting on her cheek, and withdrew it at once. Her gaze flashed back to my won, and I couldn’t help but feel like a deer caught in head lights. Except I had been caught breathing in everything about her.
Her voice was soft and ever so gentle when she spoke. As if she knew she was dealing with something broken, as if she had to step carefully, like walking on eggshells.
“Alexander...why won’t you speak to me?”
My mouth opened, desperately trying to force a response out, but I just as quickly knew my efforts would be to no avail. So I closed my mouth, and glanced away, allowing my hair to cover more of my face than usual. I lifted my finger to my lip ring, awkwardly twisting it. A nervous habit I had.
In that moment something in me switched. All at once I was overcome with a strong dose of claustrophobia, and I stood up quickly, ignoring the wave of nausea crashing over me. Willow’s eyes looked up and widened ever so slightly, her crimson lips parted.
My hands were on the table, and my shoulders were squared. I faced her front on before finally choking out two words.
“I-I’m s-sorry.” I finally forced out. My voice sounded strained, foreign even to myself. Willow frowned, and placed a hand over my left one. Shivers ran through my arm.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. Sit, finish your drink. We haven’t got school for ages but I have to go somewhere first.” Her hand slowly moved off mine and fell into her lap alongside her other one.
I closed my eyes tightly for the count of three. I let every muscle in my body slowly relax, the tension dripping off like wax running off the side of a candle. I eventually sat down but couldn’t bring my eyes to look up at her.
“Alexander...you didn’t go home last night, did you?” Willow must have noticed I had started to protest by shaking my head so she interrupted my futile efforts. “Don’t bother trying to cover it up. I can tell. You’re wearing the same clothes as yesterday and you look like you just got hit by a bus. Your eyes are bloodshot and I’m pretty sure the cut on your lip is infected.”
I hung my head in an emotion I could only describe as shame. “Alexander...” She trailed off. “I-if you ever need anything...as soppy and cheesy as it may sound...I’m here.” Her voice was smooth and hypnotic and I knew she spoke the truth.
I’m not sure what possessed me, but I leant in slowly, ever so slowly...
And swiped her drink and grabbed her straw, flinging a blob of cream at her face. Willow gasped in shock, but her eyes were alive with delight.
“You!” She shouted out and reached for my drink and flicked a blob of cream at me. A genuine smile graved my lips as I raised the drinks menu to my face as a shield, one second ahead of her. The cream splattered onto it, and Willow giggled uncontrollably. I bit my lip, trying to hold in a laugh.
The menu was wrenched out of my hands, and my a cold blob of cream spattered across my cheek. I raised my hand to it, swiping it off. I threw it straight back at Willow before standing up and running across the cafe for the door. Glancing behind me, a smirk gracing my lips, I opened the door and exited.
“Oi! You bloody cheater!” I heard Willow laugh after me. Through the cafe window I saw her run after me. The door opened swiftly and she glared at me. I couldn’t stop the laugh this time. I raised a hand to my mouth, and my eyes crinkled. Laughter erupted from my mouth and for once I didn’t attempt to clamp it down.
Willow’s gaze softened and she walked up to me, placing one foot directly in front of the other.
“You should laugh more. You look so alive when you’re happy.” She told me, before turning on her heel and walking off. My laughter cut off with a harsh stab to my heart. Nostalgia rolled over me and I couldn’t stop the sombre silence that racked through me. But before I lost my gall, I opened my mouth and coughed out. “W-Willow?”
She turned around and I was surprised to see her eyes slightly watery. “Yeah?” She replied in a voice that told me she was happy, but something inside her was strained, as if trying to clamp down on a certain emotion.
“Thanks.” I murmured. She gave me a wide smile and nodded.
I followed her slow footsteps, slowly falling into sync with her walking pattern. I swallowed, my throat feeling parched. I had spoken to her. Not once, twice. God Lord, if I continued this way, tomorrow I would be telling her the time of day. Next week we would be conversing like goold ‘ol buddies from way back. Who knew about what would happen in a month?
A dark, gloomy voice lurking around in the murky corners of my mind spoke out. It’s voice was loud and blindingly clear.
She won’t put up with your bullshit for that long. Wait and see, in a month’s time she’ll be long gone. That is, if you haven’t hurt her by then.
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