"Love is whatever you can still betray. Betrayal can only happen if you love."
-John le Carre
Prologue
2004
MY HEAD POUNDED AND I COULD already feel the shakes beginning to set in for me. I had used up the rest of my stash not one day ago and I was already beginning to feel the aching my body had without it. I'll have to find Ren later and find where his is at, I hazily thought as I walked towards the ratty house with all of the outdoor lights blown out. They probably haven't been replaced since I was born.
The steps creaked and even trembled at my weight, even though I was under a hundred pounds and had stepped on the strongest part of the steps. I knew the door would be unlocked because it's not like my mother would ever lock the door. It's not like my mother has anything, or anyone, she actually cares about and wants to protect. No telling how many strangers have wandered into the house and rummaged through our things when she was passed out on the couch.
When I stepped into the house I mentally prepared myself for whatever state the house might have been in. I haven't stepped foot in the house for, well, I'm not quite sure how long. My nights have been a blur, and my days completely black. The one thing I had been silently praying is that my sister has kept her head low and stayed away from our mother, just as I had asked her to before I left. I have been able to handle my mother's hard smacks across the cheek, but I don't think Cindy could; I'd never want her to. It scared me, honestly, to see how things have been since I was last here. I knew I should have checked in earlier, just to see how Cindy was doing without me here to guard her from our mother.
The house was a wreck, but that's a normal thing. Bottles were in the corner, random crap my mother had hoarded was piled in front of the couch covered in holes. It smelled like mold, cigarettes, and body odor inside. By now I was used to it, even while I've been away. There was one lamp on, flickering as if the bulb was just about to give out, and a lit cigarette in the ash tray. My eyes rested on the almost empty pack on the table and my hand immediately snatched one out and lit it using the already lit one in the tray. Smoke oozed out of my mouth and swirl around me as I took several puffs, easing my headache and the shakes just a bit. I carried the cigarette with me as I went to look around the rest of the house, wondering where Cindy might be.
"Where the hell have you been?" a voice croaked from the other side of the room.
I whipped around and saw my mother standing by the kitchen door with a baggy, faded dress hanging on her bony and pale body. My lips wrapped around the cigarette and I let out another puff. "Didn't think you'd even notice."
Her face formed a snarl and she smacked her fragile hand against the boxy television next to her. "Who the hell do you think you are? You think you can come back after being away? Hell no. I'm not supporting a whore."
My face remained unemotional and I took another puff. "That's ironic calling me that considering you have no idea who my father is or Cindy's."
"Don't act like you're better than me, Joanna. From the looks of it, you've already become me," she spat, sticking her bony finger out at me. "I've been hearing things about my fourteen-year-old daughter all around this city. Bet in six months you'll be knocked up, if you're not already, and crawling back to me, and I ain't going to do shit for you."
Instead of being affected by her words, something caught my eye on her arm. It was a few marks shaded a deep purple. "You're shooting up now? Surprised you can hold a damn needle without shaking."
She looked down at her arm with a blank expression, almost confused by what I had said. Quickly she recovered herself and looked back up at me, fury flashing in her sunken in eyes. "You get the hell out of here, girl. I don't want you anymore."
"As if you wanted me in the first place!" I yelled back, stomping my foot hard on the ground and startling her.
She raised a hand at me and took several steps forward. "Shut the hell up!"
"...Joanna?" a new voice entered, one that was barely audible.
I took my eyes off my mother and looked over to see my sister standing hunched in the doorway of her room. Even with this killer headache I had and the fury I had towards my mother, my heart shattered the moment my eyes landed on Cindy.
She was frail, as in I could even see her ribs through her tight tank top. I could see every bone under her skin. Under her eyes she almost looked like she had been punched, they were practically the color of beetles. There was no shine in her eyes, and she sounded like someone who could barely speak.
Instead of reaching out to her and comforting her, I lost it. My anger overcame me and I could no longer hold back the resentment I have always had for my mother. "You haven't been feeding her?! You haven't done shit, have you? You've been drinking your life away as your own daughter has been starving in the room beside you! You selfish piece of—"
A hand collided with my cheek so hard and swift, I couldn't believe she had had the strength to even wield that kind of blow. My head was ringing from the hit and I stumbled back a step or two before regaining my senses.
"Don't you dare act like you're better!" she shrieked, her voice cracking from the volume. "You're going to end up just like me! Already have! Either that or they'll find your body in some damn dumpster. Probably better that way anyway."
I could hear Cindy's soft sobs behind me and decided not to look at her, not when I could already feel my face swelling from the hit. Instead I squared my shoulders and looked my mother directly in her soulless eyes. "I hope all of the alcohol will end your life soon because we'd be much better off without you."
Her fury grew after my comment and she looked as if she was about to smack me again. "You're just a druggie. I bet you'll be knocked up or dead in the alley before you even hit twenty. You won't amount to anything, and don't even act like it's my fault!"
My patience was done. I was done. I turned away from her and looked at Cindy, still sobbing where she stood. I brushed her dirty hair from her wet face and forced her eyes to meet mine. "Don't let her ever get to you. You have to take care of yourself, Cindy. Don't let this ever be you." My hand gestured towards the bottles and our mother. "You will be different."
"Please, d-don't leave," she sobbed, trying her best to not crumble at my feet.
I remained cold, trying my best to not unravel in front of her. "You will be fine, Cindy. You are better than us."
Before she could say anything more or take another shaky breath of air, I turned around and walked towards the door. I gave my mother one final look and spoke as low and dangerously as I could. "If anything happens to my sister, I will kill you."
She remained silent because she knew I was serious. And I was.
I left the house and headed back to the apartment of this guy I met last week, but not without leaving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in Cindy's window. Maybe my mother is right? Maybe I will be found in a dumpster before I'm twenty.
This is the hand I was dealt in life.
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Woohoo! BOOK FOUR! Can't believe I have written three completed books on Joanna, nearly a total of 300,000 words all together. It's amazing. I'm also SUPER pumped about this book because a lot of things will hit the fan.
If you're confused about the prologue, "Why is it 2004? When did the last book take place?" The Deal Taker (Book III) took place in fall of 2010 (important to note because this book is going to have another time jump). The prologue is obviously Joanna's past, as a fourteen-year-old rebel and victim. I know it's a heavy prologue and a bit much, but it's important, I promise. I also wanted to write this in here because Joanna only refers to her past as being bad, and this helps to better understand it and how she spiraled out of control.
Anyway, enough talking. I hope you're as excited as I am to start book four! I am almost finished with chapter one and I just really wanted to go ahead and post the prologue right now. I'm impatient.
Also I'd like to thank KatherineFrey for the title suggestion! It fits this book perfectly <3
-Currie