The two most important people in Krystal's life, her sister Jessica and her girlfriend Amber, were seated with her at a private restaurant room in Seoul. It was the weekend following the first week of their '4 Walls' comeback stages and the three women were enjoying a casual dinner together, something they had never done together before. Even though Jessica and Amber were engaged in an amicable conversation with each other, the sight of their cheerful interaction was deeply unsettling to Krystal.
Jessica and Amber didn't have a bad relationship with each other, but the two women didn't have a particularly good relationship either. Krystal always sensed that Amber's personality didn't suit Jessica's tastes. And as for Amber, Krystal sensed that her girlfriend was just flat out terrified of the former Girls' Generation member. Fear and incompatibility didn't make for a good friendship, so Krystal never questioned why Jessica and Amber never made any effort to become better friends. But now that the two polar opposites were deep in conversation with each other, Krystal felt very uneasy about how natural the scene looked. And annoyingly, the two of them could not stop talking about her.
"I told Soojung to turn the steering wheel all the way to the left before she backed up, but she just hit the gas and BAM!! Right into the garbage can!" Amber was telling Jessica excitedly, retelling the embarrassing tale of last weekend's unsuccessful attempts of teaching Krystal how to parallel park.
For Jessica's part, the older woman snorted into her wine before slapping the table with uncontrollable laughter. Krystal had to admit that the sight of her sister and girlfriend getting along with very heartwarming, but she felt conflicted that her reputation was the price for this harmony.
"Um, can we please change the topic?" Krystal asked with mild irritation. "There are other things we can talk about besides, 'What embarrassing thing did Soojung do now?'"
"We could do that," Amber reasoned with a playful smile, "but where's the fun in that?"
Jessica nodded as she tried to elegantly wipe the wine spittle from her lips. "You don't have to stay if the conversation doesn't interest you," Jessica replied loftily. "Feel free to leave while Amber and I discuss other important business." The older girl turned to Amber with a sparkle in her eye. "Did you know that Soojung left the house with a pair of panties clinging to the back of her shirt last week?"
"Hey, hey," Krystal interrupted, waving her hand angrily between the chattering women. "Seriously, that's enough. Let's talk about something else."
With an affectionate smirk, Amber reached out and patted Krystal kindly on the head. Krystal narrowed her eyes playfully at her girlfriend, accepting the consoling pats before turning to look at Jessica. The younger Jung was surprised to find an indescribably melancholic expression in Jessica's eyes. It was not jealousy or disgust, but rather a wistfulness that Krystal couldn't fully identify.
"What's wrong?" Krystal wondered, casting her sister a worried glance. She nervously pushed Amber's hand away, concerned that their interactions had bothered Jessica, who hadn't witnessed them interacting romantically before.
The older Jung shook her head with a bit of a sheepish smile. "It's not that. I just felt a little nostalgic watching you with Amber," Jessica admitted.
Krystal paused and quirked an eyebrow in her sister's direction. "Nostalgic? Does seeing us together remind you of when YOU dated Amber?" Krystal had said this as a joke, but the matching pair of disgusted expressions that appeared on Jessica and Amber's faces were a bigger reward than she had expected.
"Ugh, gross," Amber complained, pretending to vomit at the thought of dating Jessica. She quickly turned to the older girl and apologized for the comment. "N-no offense."
"Bleh. No offense but I wouldn't date you either," Jessica confirmed with utter disgust on her face.
Krystal took a sip of wine with a cheerful smile, feeling much better about having been embarrassed by both parties all night. "What a wonderful dinner! Let's do this more often!"
"Yah, don't make me tell Amber about the embarrassing thing that happened at school when you were in second grade," Jessica threatened, quickly shutting up her sister obediently.
"You have her well trained, unnie-nim," Amber observed.
"Why thank you," Jessica replied smugly.
Krystal suddenly felt that she hated dinners with Jessica and Amber.
"Anyway," Jessica said, getting back to the original topic, "I felt nostalgic because seeing you in a real relationship makes me think of when you were a kid. I know you're an adult now, but it's sad in some ways to think that I've finished watching you grow up."
"Unnie, I'm not going anywhere," Krystal said softly, not fully understanding why her sister seemed to think otherwise. "I still have a lot of growing up to do and you'll get to witness all of it."
"For now, but not for long," Jessica said, forcing herself to be cheerful. She turned to Amber with a kind smile. "By the way, what are your plans for taking care of our princess in the future?"
"The princess has requested to live in a castle. I'm working to procure a castle now, but the compulsory dragon has been hard to find," Amber answered playfully.
Krystal snickered at Amber's obvious joke, but Jessica answered Amber's plans seriously.
"So you two are planning to move in with each other then?"
"Huh?" Amber asked, somewhat taken off guard by the seriousness of Jessica's question. "You're really asking?"
"Yes," Jessica confirmed with a firm, but kind smile. "You're dating my little sister and I would have asked the same thing to anyone who was dating her. 'Are you serious about my Soojungie?' 'Do you have what it takes to make her happy?'"
Krystal nervously reached around the table and tugged on Jessica's sleeve to stop her from interrogating Amber any further. "U-unnie... We haven't really talked abou--"
"I AM serious about her," Amber answered without hesitation. "I want to marry Soojung one day if your family will let me. I wanna buy a home with her and start a family with her. And I'll spend the rest of my life making sure that she's happy."
The younger girl stared at Amber in surprise. An uneasy kind of feeling grew in her stomach even though Jessica nodded upon hearing Amber's response, satisfied by the strength in her words. Krystal and Amber had discussed their future before, but their plans had always been vague and idealistic. They had voiced a desire to marry each other one day, but they had never discussed when. They had talked about their dream home, but had never made plans for turning their dreams into reality. Hearing Amber speak with such conviction about their future was reassuring in some ways, but terrifying in many others. Krystal realized now that her plans for their future were mere daydreams when compared to Amber's plans for their future.
"OK, that was too serious," Amber said sheepishly, feeling a bit embarrassed by her own response. "Pretend I didn't say that. Krystal and I are still just dating and having fun. We're not ready for anything more yet," she told Jessica.
"No no, don't take it back. I feel better knowing that you guys aren't just fooling around," Jessica insisted. "I'm honestly really happy that you guys are so serious about each other." She raised her wine glass towards Amber and Krystal. "A toast to the happy couple!"
The two older women clinked their glasses together merrily. But when Jessica turned to Krystal, she found an apprehensive expression on the younger girl's face.
"What's wrong?" Jessica asked, lowering her glass slightly.
"Nothing," Krystal insisted with a shake of her head. She lifted her own glass and clinked it half-heartedly with Jessica's. "To the happy couple."
"Oh-ho," Jessica teased. She had picked up on the source of Krystal's anxiety. "Feeling a little nervous about the future? Maybe I should ask you what your plans for taking care of Amber are."
"Actually, we haven't really talked about our future very much," Amber admitted, putting a hand on Krystal's shoulder. "We're happy with just enjoying the present right now."
Krystal felt Amber's reassuring squeeze and she smiled gently at her girlfriend, grateful for her support. "Right," Krystal agreed.
"Alright, enough teasing for Soojung tonight," Jessica conceded. She picked up the dessert menu and passed it to Krystal. "Here, my treat for toying with you all night."
The younger girl smiled at her older sister, smiled at her supportive girl friend, and then happily scanned the list of desserts.
Later that evening, the dinner ended peacefully and Jessica parted ways with Krystal and Amber at the restaurant. The couple headed back to Amber's apartment in Krystal's car and then began to settle in for the night.
Krystal tried not to think about the "future" discussion that had occurred during dinner. The uncertainty of the future always made Krystal anxious and she found that the easiest way to enjoy life was to go with the flow and not attempt to plan everything out. But since her life now included Amber, it didn't seem possible to just go with the flow anymore. Plans needed to be discussed, decisions needed to be made, and the future couldn't be put off indefinitely.
"Hey? You OK?" Amber asked. She watched her girlfriend standing in the living room with a dazed expression and approached her slowly. Amber's warm, protective arms embraced Krystal from behind and the younger girl tried to relax into Amber's body.
"Do you think about our future a lot?" Krystal wondered, pulling Amber's arms around her more tightly.
"Are you thinking about what I said at dinner?"
Krystal nodded, knowing that she would be unable to lie about her anxiety much longer.
"I do think about it a lot," Amber admitted. The older girl placed a gentle kiss on Krystal's cheek and then rested her chin in the crook of the younger girl's neck. "I think about us moving in together one day, in a place that belongs only to us. I imagine how happy I'd be if I could wake up to your sleeping face every morning before we go down to our cozy kitchen and enjoy breakfast together. I think about marrying you, and going on vacations with you, and starting a family together one day."
Amber nuzzled against her girlfriend, expecting that Krystal would add on to her vision for the future. But instead, her words were met by silence. Amber pulled away from Krystal and turned so that she could see Krystal's expression. She peered into the younger girl's apprehensive face and then raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you ever think about our future?" She had wanted to ask Krystal this question at the restaurant, but it seemed uncomfortable to discuss such personal matters for the first time in front of Jessica. Now that they were alone, there was no reason to hold back.
Krystal hesitated, unsure of how to respond. The problem wasn't that she never thought about their future. It was more like she had never thought about it realistically. And when Krystal did try to think about it realistically, the future scared her to a standstill.
"I do think about our future," Krystal said carefully, "but we're too young to do any of those things now anyway."
Amber laughed gently. "This is coming from the girl who wanted to be married by the time she turned 21?"
Krystal narrowed her eyes playfully at Amber. "I made those plans when I was a kid. Obviously I didn't know what I was talking about. But it's different now, and I'm not ready to get married yet."
"I know, I know," Amber responded soothingly. She leaned forward and gently pressed her forehead against Krystal's, causing the younger girl's anxious expression to melt away a bit. "I'm not asking you to marry me right now. I'm not even pressuring you to move in with me. Let's just take things at our own pace, OK?"
Krystal nodded, but the young girl couldn't shake the uneasy feeling in her stomach. "But you want more from this relationship, don't you? You want to move faster than we're moving right now."
Amber shook her head. "No, I want you to be comfortable in our relationship."
"So if I said I wanted to move in with you right now, we would do it, right? Because you're already prepared to do it and I'm not."
The older girl appeared conflicted by the direction that the conversation was moving in. "What are you trying to do, Soojung-ah? Are you trying to get me to admit that I want to move in with you at this very instant?"
"I-I don't know," Krystal admitted. "I guess I just want to know how you feel about us moving in right now. I mean, I want to move in with you too one day, but I always thought it would be a long time from now. Like in a few years."
"A few years?!" Amber exclaimed, stepping back from Krystal in surprise.
"W-well yeah. I mean it would at least be a year or two from now, don't you think?"
Amber slowly shook her head. "No, I didn't think it would be that long at all."
Krystal's eyes widened. She was just as surprised as Amber was about the differences in their timelines of moving in together. "What, we're you thinking that we'd start living together in next few months?"
The older girl said nothing. She silently turned away and went into her bedroom. Moments later, Amber returned with a small box in her hand. The box was wrapped and Krystal recognized the paper instantly; it was the same wrapping paper that Amber had used to wrap all of the space that she had recently cleared out for Krystal's stuff. Amber offered her the tiny box, which was small enough to hold an engagement ring, and Krystal took it nervously. She opened it while praying that it didn't contain a ring. To her surprise, there was a single key lying inside.
"What's this?" Krystal wondered.
"It's a key to my apartment."
"But I already have one," the younger girl said, thinking about the key that she so often used.
"You have your parents' key to my apartment," Amber clarified. "I wanted to give you a key that was meant for you... And I wanted to ask you to move in with me."
Krystal's heart was beating furiously in her chest now. This was exactly the kind of scenario that she was hoping to avoid for a while. But now that it had reared its head, Krystal couldn't ignore it. She took a deep breath to try to calm herself down. "Were you going to ask me to move in with you on your birthday? After you gave me the extra space in your room?"
"Yes," Amber admitted. "I've thought about moving in with you for a long time now, but I could tell you weren't ready for it after you saw the space I had cleared out for you. I didn't want to scare you, so I was waiting for you to be ready. I never thought I'd be waiting 'a few years' for you, though."
"Am," Krystal whispered contritely, feeling conflicted. "I... I don't know what to say."
"Say that you'll move in with me," Amber pleaded. "Spending random nights together a few times a month isn't enough for me anymore. Let's live together. If you don't like this apartment, let's move into a place that belongs only to us. Any home will make me happy as long as it's with you, Soojung-ah."
Krystal bit her lower lip nervously as she stared into Amber's unwavering gaze. Life would have been so much easier if both she and Amber wanted the same things, but that wasn't the case right now. Krystal still hesitated at the thought of moving in with her girlfriend of over a year. As much as she truly loved Amber and cared about the older girl, the bottom line was that Krystal was scared of making such a permanent commitment, of not being able to run away from their relationship if and when things were difficult.
"W-why are you being so greedy, Am?" Krystal asked anxiously, trying to divert the problem towards Amber's desires rather than her own fears. "Can't you be patient for just a little longer?"
"I've already waited six years to be with you, Jung Soojung," Amber countered softly. She attempted to smile at the other girl to show that she was joking, but the smile fell flat. "How much more patient can I get?"
"I know Am, I know you've been patient. But I... I-I-" Krystal stuttered, turning away from her girlfriend in anguish. She knew Amber's request wasn't unreasonable. She knew that Amber had suffered a lot over the years and she wanted nothing more than to do whatever it took to make Amber happy. But at the same time, Krystal's own fears and uncertainties made it impossible for her to agree to move in with Amber right now. "I... I just can't, Amber."
The older girl put a hand on Krystal's shoulder and gently turned her around so that they were facing each other again. "You can't... or you won't?"
The look of sadness in Amber's eyes broke Krystal's heart. Krystal hated her own selfishness in that moment, her inability to console Amber and to give her girlfriend what she wanted. "Why were relationships so difficult?" Krystal wondered to herself. "Why am I still such a child?"
"I need to go," Krystal whispered, turning away from Amber and heading toward the door. Her heart was aching in her chest and her head pounded from the stress. Tears were threatening to spill, but she willed them back even though her frustration was overwhelming in that instant.
Startled, Amber followed her retreating girlfriend. "W-what? You don't need to leave, Soojung-ah."
"I need some space to think," the younger girl mumbled. She picked up her purse and opened the apartment door with regret, unable to meet Amber's eyes. "Sorry, I can't do this right now."
"Do what? We were just talking!" Amber pleaded, alarmed at the sight of her girlfriend leaving in the middle of their quarrel. She grabbed Krystal's wrist in an attempt to stop her. "Soojung-ah, please... please don't go."
Krystal looked up at Amber at last, meeting her girlfriend's gloomy expression. If only she could understand and explain her feelings properly to Amber, they might be able to work out a solution. But right now, that didn't seem possible. With tears rolling gently down her cheek, Krystal spared just a moment to touch her fingers apologetically to Amber's cheeks before turning away and leaving a confused Amber in her wake.
Author's Notes: I've actually experience something smilar to the argument that Krystal and Amber had about moving in together. Soojung-ah, I understand your feelings well! XD
Connections To Reality:
Krystal wants to live in a castle:
https://youtu.be/D1MdKfQoIEI?t=488
Krystal wants to marry at a young age:
I could have sworn I saw on a variety that Krystal thought she would be married by the time she was in her 20s. I can't remember which variety though. I'm gonna have a hell of a time filling in these missing "Connections To Reality" in the future. If anyone knows what I'm talking about, please link me to the article/video! Many thanks. :)