Last night was Valentine’s Day and to celebrate the romantic love-filled holiday, Matt and I had an anti-Valentine’s Day evening. He came over, dressed in grey sweatpants with a tight fitting white v-neck with a loose black tie hanging around his neck for style. He brought a single yellow daisy and a tub of cookies and cream ice cream. We devoured it on my couch together while watching a horror movie marathon.
It was fun to just have a night filled with no pressure, no expectations, and most importantly no romance. At first when Matt suggested hanging out that night I was a little skeptical, I didn’t want to give him any false hope that this could become an actual relationship. Matt was merely a safe sexual convenience in my life.
Once again I was sitting in the library trying to finish some homework during lunch. It had become routine for us now, once a week Matt and I would excuse ourselves to work on a project and meet up between the wooden shelves secretly. Since the new semester began we no longer had the excuse of drama but fortunately for us we had philosophy together with no one else from our friend group.
Absentmindedly tapping my light blue mechanical pencil lightly against my notebook, I waited for Matt to make his appearance. Getting bored I stood up and browsed the many different titles of books before me. The spines were cracked and faded after many years of being handled by careless teens, the small black fonts faded with age but the printed words were still as bold as ever.
Matt kissed me lightly on the shoulder from behind, nuzzling his face in my neck. A smile immediately found a home on my face and I placed the book I was holding back in its proper face. Spinning around so we were facing one another I whispered a hello in his ear, his unmistakable cologne melting my senses. I kissed him passionately, my hands grasping his flimsy green t-shirt. He licked my bottom lip asking for entrance and I allowed him in, his warm tongue tasting every inch of my mouth. His large hands gripped my waist, burning the couple inches of exposed skin between my tank top and jeans, and I had to stifle a moan as he planted butterfly kisses down my neck. I pressed myself against him harder restraining myself from ripping his clothes off right then and there.
“No way!” came a startled screech from near us. Matt and I jumped apart instantly, tugging our clothes back into their proper place. Quickly scanning around, I spotted Lucy standing before us with a dumb-struck expression on her face and a forgotten notebook that had fallen to the carpeted floor lying by her feet. Her jaw was slack due to shock and her eyes were as wide as saucers. I felt like laughing at how comical she looked but there were more serious pressing matters.
“It’s not what it looks like!” I rushed to explain. My brain was working over-time trying to come up with a plausible excuse that would explain the two of us almost tearing one another’s clothes off while we were supposed to be accomplishing school work. I could lie and say it was for a play we wanted to audition for, but that would just lead to more questions like what they play was about, who was holding the auditions. Things that would not be so easy to make appear out of nowhere.
“I think it’s exactly what it looks like,” Lucy muttered still bewildered. She blinked a couple extra times, as if to be sure what she was seeing was actually real. It crossed my mind to knock her out, drive her home, and somehow convince her it was a dream. It seemed improbable however that we could succeed. Lucy checked over her shoulder to see if anyone else had witnessed the same unexpected scene as she had, but the library was practically dead like usual.
I tried to laugh it all off, waving my hand about as if to dismiss any wild notions that were running through her mind, but it sounded forced even to my own ears. “It was nothing,” I tried to convince her. Maybe if we were extremely lucky Lucy would find this an acceptable answer and be on her merry way like it was just another day. Who was I trying to kid?
“Absolutely nothing,” Matt reassured, hoping that his confirmation to the fact would be enough to satisfy her curiosity. Casually he reached down and picked up her fallen book before handing it to her. She smiled in appreciation at his gesture but it did not distract her from pursuing her line of interrogation.
“That kiss did not look like nothing,” Lucy persisted, determined to get something out of us like the little pit-bull she was. She was a dog with a bone, and she wasn’t going to depart from it so easily.
I chewed on my bottom lip out of habit, rubbing my fingers together as if a script with the perfect words to say would appear. “It didn’t mean anything,” I corrected knowing just how incriminating the passionate embrace we shared must have looked like. My lips still tingled, missing his own on them. We could not deny the position she caught us red-handed in, leaving us with highly limited options. I berated myself mentally for being so careless, there was no need for us to be intimate on school property, but it was the exhilaration that came from knowing we could be caught that made the tantalizing moments so desirable. At the very least I should have had a lie prepared for such an occasion; it was poor etiquette on my part to be so careless. I couldn't afford to keep doing that, to keep slipping up. First with Matt about my mother during Christmas, and now with Lucy about Matt. A zebra can only hide its stripes for so long, I guess, before someone notices.
“So there is something,” Lucy accused twisting my own words against me. Damn she was good. There wasn’t much else we could do at this point but tell the truth. Glancing at Matt for permission to reveal our unusual arrangement, he merely shrugged his shoulders granting me the power to make the decision. I clicked my tongue, reluctant to admit to anything but at the same time knowing it was our most viable option if we wanted it to remain a secret. If we left her in the dark she would surely consult the others about what she saw and if they knew anything. At least this way we could ask her to keep her lips sealed about what she witnessed, preventing it from spreading around the school like a STI.
“Well, we kind of agreed to,” I started unsure of the best words to describe our situation. Lucy waited patiently as I tried to isolate the most precise words in my vocabulary. I didn’t want to give the wrong impression nor go into a long story about how it all began. “Become friends with benefits,” I finished.
“You’re kidding me?” she asked astonished, her face even more bewildered than when she initially found us in that compromising position. She probably thought we were secretly dating, which admittedly is the most logical explanation.
“No, it’s true,” Matt chimed in, clearing this throat when his voice came out weaker than usual. I wondered if Lucy actually scared him. If there was anyone he should be worried about finding out it would have to be Iris. She was opinionated, and not afraid to let everyone know it. If any one of our friends was going to plan something drastic to change our relationship status with one another, it would be that blonde haired beast. I mean beauty.
“Just sex, no strings attached,” I explained like it was the most normal thing on the planet. In high school something like this was considered scandalous, but in the real world it was a more prominent occurrence. Many people do not have time to juggle a blooming career and a relationship, so they often find themselves in similar situations in order to satisfy their sexual needs without the time consuming aspect of commitment.
“And this is what you both want?” she earnestly asked us, unsure if this was some weird compromise we had found ourselves in. “You might as well become a couple,” she suggested thinking that this would solve all our problems. But what she would never be able to understand is that I, Sara James, do not date. It was just something I was unwilling to do and I could never explain it to her or anyone.
“Ehh, couples are too much work,” I tried to brush her idea off without going into any specifics. “This is easier. No hurt feelings,” I insisted. There was no false pretense that Matt and I were operating under that made us feel obliged to notice every little thing about one another, to be the underlying emotional support for one another, or even claim love for another. Our friendship worked, and the sex wasn’t awkward. There wasn’t much else we could ask for from life.
“Matt, are you seriously okay with this?” Lucy asked while staring him dead in the eye. Matt paused unsure for a moment of what to say, he shifted his weight from one foot to another. He had been uncomfortable throughout the whole conversation but now it wasn’t just my voice being heard. His opinion was being questioned now too. And let’s face it I never really asked Matt if this is what he wanted, always thought he was living every teenage boy’s dream so why would he dispute the conditions, after all no guy wants to be in a relationship right?
But I didn’t suggest this arrangement out of fear of being rejected because I knew he had wanted to date me before. It was for other reasons, for my own mental health that I couldn’t give him all of me. If I ever entered a committed relationship with someone I would have to tell them things about me, intimate things to allow for a healthy relationship, and right now I didn’t have the emotional capability to share these details about my life with anyone. It would be unfair to start something with so many skeletons hidden in my closet. It wasn't baggage that I carried, but a dented and bloody shovel from all the corpses I've tried to bury, their mangled fingers constantly clawing at my back. I watched placidly as the maggots devoured their remaining flesh, waiting for Mother Nature to decompose the bones to ashes but the process took time. Time I did not currently have.
Otherwise any soul unfortunate enough to be my boyfriend would be dating someone who they knew nothing about, a stranger more foreign than the day they met. I’ve let Matt see a glimpse into my life, but the world I live in was still thickly veiled from all those who knew me. I'm the type of person who loves to give answers that have no distinct meaning, I lived between the blurred lines of ambiguity. It was there I sought solace from prying eyes looking to find fault in my truth, so I refused to deliver it. It made me a woman of mystery. But with mystery also comes the lack of connection with kind hearted friends. What did Matt or Lucy know about me? Not much I would imagine.
I licked my lips nervously in anticipation; part of me hoped he would say no and confess his love for me. As stupid as it sounded, against all rationality, I still cared for him and I wanted him to care for me too. “Yes,” he finally breathed out, his posture stiff and firm. His answer caused me relief and pain, relief that he agreed and pain that I could no longer fantasize about being rescued. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no damsel in distress waiting for prince charming to rescue her from the mangled pits of her life. But it’s always nice to believe it. Foolish, but nice.
“You have to swear not to tell anyone,” I tried to get her to promise returning her attention to my frame. Lucy reluctantly shifted her gaze from Matt to me, but I saw her keep darting him looks through the corners of her eyes. She was searching for something from him, maybe additional confirmation, but it didn’t matter. He had said yes.
Lucy nodded her head in affirmation to my request, but now that someone knew there was an eminent expiration date on Matt and my agreement. The whole point of keeping it a secret was to prevent people from talking, mainly about me. Matt would probably get numerous high fives from everyone, hell I’m pretty sure they would hoist him up on their shoulders and parade him around the school for what he accomplished. But I was a different story. The girls would probably call me derogatory names and the boys would harass me non-stop thinking I would spread my legs for them at their every whim. I may not want a relationship but that didn’t mean that I wanted rumours circulating the vicious high school halls about me.
I don’t care what people think about me, but at the same I don’t want to give them a reason to judge me unfairly. It was difficult to convince people of the truth once they had already been fed lies. A war against the high school masses was not one I was willing to wage, and it kept things simpler if my decisions in life remained private. If Lucy tells even another person in our group, I’ll have to cut ties with Matt. It would just be more suspicious if people saw us spending so much time together in combination with the rumours. I hope things don’t have to come to that though, it would be challenging to keep my distance.
Lucy eyed us once more before she reluctantly left the library, her thin lips pursed as she walked. As her tiny frame stepped out of sight, my shoulders relaxed and I let out a sigh of relief. There could have been a lot more questions to face, but Lucy was probably too stunned to ask anything specific, she would be back with more questions later though. I could almost guarantee it.
Pivoting on my heel, I faced Matt once more who slumped appreciatively in a plastic chair. Brushing the hair out of my face I offered a sheepish smile which he returned with an incredulous look. Okay, so maybe this was my fault, but he was definitely enjoying it too.