SO COLD
Sultry green eyes searched my own wide, clueless eyes for answers I didn't have and then fell to my mouth. Oscar spoke with a fervid need, nose brushing against my own, voice hoarse, in an aphrodisiacal state of mind. "I want to kiss you, I need to, Shay. Can I?"
I leaned away to put some space between us. My thoughts were clustered, confused and I was thrown off balance. His declaration of love had robbed me of my words. I hadn't expected it. "No," this was the easiest word to utter, the explanation was going to be difficult. A flash of dismay hurried past his face. I continued, pulling his hands away from my hips gently. "I don't feel the same way, Oscar. I'm sorry. I just... I don't want you. I don't view you with any romantic feelings."
"Would you ever give me a chance?" he looked directly at me, trapping me to the spot like a caged animal with his intense stare. He was upset by my rejection even as he attempted to conceal his emotions with a cool rebuild of his expression. "Is there a possibility?"
I was sweaty under his spotlight. Nervous butterflies fluttered around my ribcage and slippery antsy beetles skittered about in my stomach. Any contortion of his expression was a guilt trip. I broke our stare, and ransacked the room for a response that wouldn't give him false hope and would let him down without shattering his knees. I ran a hand through my hair for something to do and faced him. "I don't expect to be breaking up with Cole anytime soon. I like him, I'm attracted to him. He is what I'm focussed on. I want to repair our relationship, I don't want – I'm not considering ending it and heading into another relationship. It won't be happening any time soon – if ever." I was babbling. For fuck sake, will I ever shut up?
"Are you attracted to me?"
"What?"
He took a step forward and flashed a sinful smile, "You're becoming increasingly frustrated. Why is that?"
"Because I don't want to have this conversation."
"Or because you find yourself getting wet when you look at me. When I get close to you your breathing becomes louder."
"I have asthma," I interrupted.
He laughed huskily, "If you'd let me, I'd finger fuck you until you come to the edge and then play with your clit with my tongue, I'd tease you until your hips rise up from the counter top and you're begging me to let you come. I want to taste you, I want you to suffocate me with your thighs. I want to be in control of every órgasm you have. I wouldn't stop fucking you until your knees are shaky and you're thinking of how much you're going to ache tomorrow morning. I want to wrap my hand around your throat as I thrust myself into you, and watch your mascara run down your cheeks, and then I want to kiss you as you groan and talk incoherently. I would take you to my bed and I wouldn't let you leave. But not until you drop Cole. I won't do anything until you're ready to leave him. And it'll happen. Make no mistake about it there's going to be a day when you're crying and you're exhausted and you're going to realise you're more upset than happy with him. And I can't fucking wait till that day, baby."
"You're delusional," I furrowed my brow, angry. "Completely insane!"
"I'm in love," he corrected. "Keep the phone. Call me in the middle of the night when you're masturbáting or don't. The choice is yours. I need to go. Are you going to walk me out?"
I screwed my expression up. "Fuck off."
He laughed again. "See you, sweetheart."
**
At half past nine, Irvin returned from the post office. The night sky was dusty and slightly windy, the cool air provided relief from the earlier humid temperature. Irvin kicked off his boots in the hallway, grumbling to himself about bills. He rustled about, taking off his jacket and then sighing in aggravation when it fell from the hook. "Sorry I'm late, honey." His tone was sour and bitter.
I gave him a side-eyed look of confusion. "The hell did I do?"
"Nothing," he set down his folder on the dinner table, "I'm just mad, ignore me."
"I made dinner," I said, gestured to the Thai pumpkin soup.
His phone pinged, disrupting the flow of the conversation. He frowned deeply and then glanced at me. "Uh, don't shoot the messenger but Cole sent me a text message. There's a bunch of people over at his house. It's not a party. It's a gathering. He invited me."
"Huh," my phone remained silent all day, I tried not to twist my expression and kept my tone neutral. "Are you going to go?"
"He wrote 'bring Shay.' You know what this is, right?"
"Yes. He's too much of a bitch to directly talk to me, he's using you to get me in the same room as him." I was becoming irascible and my feet sunk into a bad mood.
"Has he tried contacting you?"
"No, and I haven't tried either," I quickly relayed what Oscar told me about his continued interrupted activities with the red head lady. My jealousy was a bitter odour that filled the room and clogged our noses.
"I'll delete his message," Irvin pulled out a chair and sat down, fork and knife already in his hands. "You wanna talk about your feelings and shit?"
"No, not really. I've started watching Orange Is the New Black. When does Piper die? She's ruining the show for me."
"She doesn't," he said. "I like her, have you seen her titties? They're very small. It was the shower scene."
"I skipped that."
"Why?"
"Because I fear God."
"Really?"
I laughed, "No, I'm a goddamn liar. I watched that scene twice."
"Can we watch something else? As much as I love this show, I've already seen it and I don't like to repeat episodes. I finished season four this summer. How about...wait, wait, wait. I almost forgot! Go to the Disney Channel. The network is doing a one night special of The Proud Family. Fuck. I put a reminder into my calendar. How could I forget?"
The theme song was playing. Irvin became fixated on the screen. "What episode is this? Oh, shit. We've missed so many episodes. Switch off the lights. Hurry. Now no talking. I'm trying to relive my childhood."
I stayed quiet, eyes on the screen, watching alongside Irvin and nostalgia for a while, and then I drifted. My attention floated out of the room, ambling lazily towards the kitchen. Time backpedalled, I found myself in front of Oscar again. He was a puzzle, a Rubix cube I couldn't solve no matter how many times I twisted the pieces. I didn't fancy him, I was sure of that. He was so confident and arrogant in front of others, but then when we were alone, his faith in himself diminished. I found it hard to believe that I was so blind to his heart eyes for so long. I just never really saw him in a different light. He was always a friend – 'acquaintance' would be a better term. It baffled me.
I didn't hate Oscar as much as my growls and grumbles made it appear like so, I simply didn't want him to knock down boundaries and take us to an uncomfortable place that would make us both squirm with discomfort. Also, the thought of Cole finding out was worrying. Cole would go after Oscar with a hunting rifle, and Oscar was a lover of boxing rings. The two would clash violently and the winner was unpredictable to predict. I needed Oscar to stay away – for everyone's sake and wellbeing.
My focus jumped back to the present and skidded out of the kitchen. There was someone hammering on the front door incessantly. Irvin and I exchanged glances. Irvin pulled out a semiautomatic while I sighed. "Put it away–"
"Are these dickheads even awake? It's a school night." Doriano could be heard saying.
"They don't go to school," James said, "take your hand off the goddamn buzzer, Dorito."
"Get rid of them." Irvin said.
"I'll try," I headed out into the hallway, thumbing the light switch. The voices ceased. I unlocked the front door, pulled it open. "It's a school night, go away–"
"Finally," Dorito shoved past me, Art followed in heels that clicked clacked on the wooden floors. James was next. Oscar was behind, he held up a beer case, lips twitching in amusement as he greeted me. Giant squeezed my shoulder, asked how I was doing. Men and women brushed past me as I failed to get a handle on the situation. I tried explaining that Irvin and I were not entertaining any guests but my words fell on deaf ears.
"Hey," Cole appeared, hands on my waist, casual. He leaned down to kiss me.
I jerked back, my face twisted into a dirty glower, voice sharp. "What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to greet my girlfriend," he was slightly intoxicated, his breath was hot and smelt of whiskey. "Are you still mad at me, baby?" He grabbed my face, dark eyes lustful and thick eyebrows tugged down when I pulled back again. "Kiss me," he demanded, he shoved me against the wall, hips digging into mine.
"No," I turned my cheek, wishing the hallway wasn't empty. Everyone had piled into the living room and they were loud and boisterous. Irvin could be heard complaining about his blanket being snatched. "Get away from me, Cole."
"You're not going to kiss me?" a nerve in his jaw ticked, he looked pissed. He took a step back, hateful gaze fixed on me. "Fine, fucking fine. You've always got a fucking stick up your arse, take it out and let me stick my cóck up there instead."
In disbelief and then hot-blooded, I barked. "Why don't you go stick your cóck in a fucking blender and switch it on? Or better yet, die in a ditch, bitch." I barged past him, into the living room, teeth gritted, heading to Irvin, sitting on the arm of the armchair he was seated on. "Tell everyone to go home."
"You tell them," he said and then groused at Giant and his woman for eating his dinner.
"It's your house."
He glanced at me, "Do you really think they'd listen to me?"
Cole was in the room, he sat on other side of the room on the sofa, beside James. With a beer bottle in his hand, he spoke lowly to James and then shot me the stink eye. I returned a glare, and then accidentally locked gazes with Oscar. His ankles were crossed, remote control in his hand, and he raised an eyebrow at me. It felt like an I-told-you-so. I turned away.
Irvin's phone rang. He glanced down at it, said. "Daniel is face-timing me. Save my seat."
"Sure," I slid onto the armchair.
Oscar changed the programme to a late night talk show. Celebrities were answering questions about their upcoming movie. The TV became background noise. Art was arguing with the Italian, demanding to know where he was around four o' clock in the afternoon today. He looked worn and exhausted and he rubbed his face, calmly asking her to drop the subject. She was unrelenting, spitting her sentences, accusing him of seeing someone else. (I thought they had broken up?) Dorito shot upright and roared thunderously loud in her face. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH! SHUT UP!" He left in a rage.
There was a stunned silence in his absence. Art got up and left, face set in stone. Conversation resumed. Cole called out to me lowly, derisive. "Come here, sweetheart." He watched me with a cruel gleam in his eyes, beckoning with his beer bottle. "Shay, hey. Hey."
"Man, why don't you leave her the fuck alone?" Oscar snapped, jaw stiff and clenched. He directed an inflamed stare towards Cole, brows yanked down over cold eyes.
Cole turned to Oscar, surprised and then in a quick second, infuriated. He wore a black look, and he growled madly. "Who the fuck are you, her white knight? Shut your motherfucking mouth before I break your fucking face."
"Of course you gotta threaten him," I rolled my eyes skyward, short-tempered, "you can't be civilised, can you, Cole? Always need to attack someone, huh? Leave him the hell alone."
"Get out of the room," Cole bounded up, striding across the floor, hand gripping my forearm painfully. He yanked me upright. He was enraged, eyes flashing, ill tempered. "Get the fuck up. We're going to have a talk." He was so mad he didn't have a control on his rage anymore. It controlled him.
I didn't have a chance to protest, he dragged me out before I could say otherwise. He threw me into the dining room, slammed the door after him. I felt a flash of fear run through me when I looked at him. I couldn't believe I was actually afraid of him.
He rubbed a hand through his jaw, attempting to collect himself and failing. He exhaled loudly from his nose, nostrils flared, making a noise of aggravation. "Shay, sweetheart, you ever speak to me like that again in front of everyone and I will fucking make your life hell. You belong to me and you better fucking remember that. If I'm talking to someone, I don't expect you to get involved and run to defend them. You sit the fuck down and stay quiet, you got it? When I call you, you come."
My fear vanished. My temper engulfed me. I was maddened and in a frenzy that burned in the pit of my stomach, the heat licking the walls of my gut. "I 'belong' to you!?" I repeated, laughed humourlessly, stopped and squinted. "Oh, my god. You have really lost your fucking mind. I don't belong to anyone. I am not yours!" I exploded, yelled, arms flying above my head. "You know what? Fuck this and fuck you. I am done! I AM FUCKING DONE! I can't and won't stay with you. We're done. We're over. It's finished."
**
gohdamn