Chapter 37
When at long last Cocoman stumbled into his home camp, he headed straight for Nimiwin's nasaogan, the tipi with the signs of her clan painted on the deerskin sides. All during the long journey home, he'd envisioned her in his mind: her beauty, the long, flowing hair, her heart-shaped face with deep brown eyes that sparkled with merriment and joy of life. The way she flowed when she walked, danced when she was happy. Her name, Nimiwin, meant dance in their language. That she was waiting for him had kept him going, sustained his survival instinct. Her face in his mind overrode his revulsion at what he'd had to do in order to survive, compelled him back to her.
She didn't disappoint. He found her outside the nasaogan, tending a pot over the fire.
"Nimiwin," he choked.
At first, she only stared as though she didn't recognize him. Probably she did not, since he had lost weight, and his clothing was ragged and torn. He hadn't taken time to build a fire and melt snow to bathe, afraid another storm might catch him, one that would isolate him without any sustenance to continue the life flame. He had gathered skins and blankets from the others to wear against the cold, and he pushed back the blanket he wore wrapped around his head and ears.
Hope flickered in the depths of her eyes. Then love, love that wrapped itself around Cocoman and made life worthwhile. Life he couldn't give up out there in the blizzard, because it meant leaving her.
She raced to him, and he held her as she sobbed in joy at his homecoming. When her weeping subsided, she drew back and cupped his face between her palms.
"Oh, Cocoman. I thought...."
He laid a finger on her lips. "I'm home. I'm home because that's where you are."
His words set off a new storm of weeping, but she controlled it easier this time. Then she said, "Oh, you are so thin! And how weary you must be. Come."
She took his hand and led him to the fire. "I'll be right back with a blanket for you to sit on and a bowl for the stew."
Despite the tribal rule that he could not enter her nasaogan, he nearly followed her. He couldn't stand to let her out of his sight. But he steeled himself and waited. She returned within seconds, and her presence meant more to him than even the warmth of her wonderful cooking filling his belly.
While he ate, she told him of the search for the war party after the blizzards finally ceased. Of the failure after failure of the search parties to find any sign of their brothers.
"We tried so hard," she promised him. "Oh. And what about the others? Are they coming behind you?"
The taste of her stew soured in his mouth, and he set the bowl down. He couldn't face her as he spoke and turned his gaze towards the lake beside where the tribe had camped. Spring was near now, although it would be weeks even after the snow started to melt before the ice would break on the lake amidst thundering booms. Before their tribe would dismantle their dwellings and move to the river where the fish would spawn. Before they would leave this area, put the distance he fervently wished for between this place and the campsite where he had nearly died.
Finally, he said, "They are all dead. I am the only one who came back."
She knelt beside him on the blanket. Not too close, since at any time, someone could come out of another nasaogan and see them. Later, they would sneak away and meet at their special place. Then they could free their feelings for each other.
"I am sorry," she said quietly. "But I am so glad that, if there was only one to make it back, it was you."
He turned to her and allowed his finger to trace her cheek. "As am I. And it was you who brought me back."
A small boy wandered out of the flap on a nearby nasaogan, and their time alone ceased. He shouted the warrior's name and ducked back inside. Soon the entire tribe gathered.
Not everyone was happy to see Cocoman back. That evening, as he sat at the central fire so they could all gather and hear his tale, he stared across the flames at Cingusi. From the time they were boys, the two had hated each other. The Wolf Clan, Cocoman's, and the Marten Clan, Cingusi's, and Nimiwin's Loon Clan, went their separate ways at times, but they always gathered in the winter at the same camp.
They shared their supplies and helped each other weather the cold, freezing months from manidogizisons as they waited for apizigwun. The boys played games with each other when they were young, games that grew fiercer in competition as they aged. This was good for them, the Elders insisted, even when the competitions resulted in injuries. They would have to help protect the tribe from enemies when they reached manhood. Their physical prowess would be important, as would the fierce desire to defeat the enemy and the lack of fear of their own injuries as they fought.
No two warriors battled to be the best in each and every competition more furiously than Cocoman and Cingusi. And Cocoman came out on top far too frequently for Cingusi, which fed the hatred between them, fueled the resentment in Cingusi. They carried scars from each other, Cingusi more than Cocoman.
Cocoman had no sympathy for the weaker warrior. He fought him as hard in the play games as he did when they were learning the skills of battle.
He sent an arrogant glance across the flames at the other man, who had even vied for Nimiwin's affections. Cocoman wasn't sure whether his foe actually cared for Nimiwin or had continued their long-running battle because he noticed Cocoman's interest in her. It did not matter. Nimiwin had chosen. And chosen the better man, the one who had the higher standing in the tribe, the respect shown the best warrior.
Now bathed and wearing garb from his own nasaogan, he told the tale of their journey...as far as it went, and as much as he could reveal. One by one, he listed each of the other warriors in his band and told of their deaths, each in the order of its happening. Three died coughing from the disease in their chests. Two raved with fever until they stilled at last. The families sat stoically throughout the tales of others than their loved one, but when their turn came, each wailed and left the fire to begin their grief and mourning.
One man in the war party had been Cingusi's brother. When Cocoman related that the brother had been the last to die - he had found him one morning already frozen in his blankets - Cingusi's mother, father and sister keened and left the circle. But before Cingusi joined them, he glared at Cocoman and stood.
"And why did you not die?" Cingusi snarled. "How is it that you alone came back?"
Cocoman stood to face him. "By the grace of Midé Manido," he insisted. "It was my destiny to return and tell the others what had happened. To allow them to know."
Cingusi spat on the ground, then whirled and stalked after his family. Cocoman immediately sought Nimiwin's face. Her expression held worship and thankfulness for his return. That was all he needed.
Late that night, they met at their place, a cave a half-hour's journey from the campsite. He held her, caressed her, and they made their plans for when the clans split up and moved in apizigwun. They would leave this campsite as one, their possessions joined, one nasaogan to sleep in from then on. Nimiwin's father had given his blessing, even though the war party had failed in its quest for vengeance.
"You seem...." Nimiwin bit her lip.
"What?" he asked. "Haven't I shown you how glad I am to be with you again?"
"Yes, yes," she admitted. "Yet...it is as though you are here, yet not here. You must have some weighty thoughts in your head."
He nodded, and she caressed his cheek.
"Do not feel bad because your war party was not successful," she soothed. "It was not to be. There will be another time, when the signs are right. You can lead another war party. If you choose not to go on the gathering party, you can tell the others where they need to go to bring them back."
That was the looming problem, the one he had wrestled with all during his journey back to Nimiwin. The families would want the bodies back. They would not leave them out there to be torn and rendered by the animals. Already preparations were being made to do this. They would wait a few days, but not many. Only long enough for Cocoman to regain some strength and lead them to the place. If he feigned lack of strength, they would demand he draw them a map and go without him. How much of the damage would they believe came from the wilderness beasts? Enough?
He had been vague about exactly where the blizzards had caught them. Vague enough? Could he make them believe that he could not find the place again? Others in the tribe knew the wilderness as well as he did. Nomadic, they roamed at will, to places fruitful for their needs. At times, they ventured out to explore new territory, other places to possibly hunt, should game grow scarce in formerly abundant areas.
He had some time. The mourning ceremonies would begin even now, even without a symbol to mourn. But what could he do? He pulled a bag of pemmican that he had retrieved from his mother's nasagan from the warm robe he wore.
"You are hungry again already?" Nimiwin teased. "You have much strength to regain."
He nodded and stuck a piece of dry pemmican in his mouth. Chewed. Then thought...but banished the thought. The tale was only that: a tale. A story used to scare small children into obedience.
He focused on Nimiwin again. Only she could drive the fear from his mind. She had removed the wolf-skin cape she wore from her shoulders and spread it on the ground. She reached for him, and when he held her, she lay down.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"When you were gone so long, when I was afraid you would not return, I nearly died from grief. I promised myself that if you returned, we would become one. Soon we will wed anyway. Still, tonight I want to become your wife in all ways except the ceremony."
It was what he wanted, also. So much. He wanted her body, but he wanted her to be his in all ways. Wanted children with her, a shared life forever.
Their life would start tonight....
The story was not a tale, though. Each night he met Nimiwin and they made love; each day, the hunger grew. It consumed him to the point that he didn't realize Cingusi was missing - didn't know he had gone until a few days before his enemy returned, angry and demanding that Cocoman be banished, if not killed.
Cingusi had found the campsite. The ravaged bodies. He insisted that there were no animal tracks to explain the warriors being eaten. None of the bears had yet left hibernation. Cingusi found no puma tracks, none from wolves or wolverines, which ate flesh. Only bird and rabbit tracks marked the fallen snow.
Cocoman had eaten his friends to survive, Cingusi insisted. Cocoman would become a windigo if they did not kill him to prevent this!
Cocoman had packed as soon as he realized Cinguisi had gone after the bodies. He'd only lingered because he could not bear to leave Nimiwin yet. But he slipped away from camp even while Cingusi spoke to the Elders. He waited in the cave. Somehow he knew she would come one last time.
She appeared at the mouth of the cave, but would not enter. He stood to face her. When he took a step, she held out a forestalling hand.
"Is it true?" she asked.
"I can explain - "
"Is it true?" she insisted.
He bowed his head. "Yes."
Surprising him, she rushed forward and threw herself into his arms. "I will go with you! I love you so much, I cannot bear to be without you."
He instinctively held her close, wishing with everything in him that he could actually take her with him. Yet the rumbling in his innards as he felt her pliant, warm flesh beneath her robe warned him once again that this lore, passed down by the storytellers, was not just a moral tale. His transformation had already begun. He did not know how long it would take, but it would not be denied.
He had enough human-ness left that he wouldn't allow her to be one of his prey.
He tried to push her away, but she clung to him, arms fierce around his neck. "No! No, I cannot bear it. You are my love. My life is with you, no matter how we must live it."
He steeled himself and pulled her arms free, then stepped back. "You must go. Now. There is no life left for the two of us."
"Tell me that you do not love me, then!" she raged. "Tell me that you want me to be Cingusi's wife!"
"No," he breathed.
"That is what will happen! They will say that what Cingusi told them is true, since you would not stay and face him. That you ran away like a yellow coward because you had no denial for what he found! My father even now says I must wed Cingusi."
"He is a weasel, Nimiwin, just as his name implies. He will not care for you rightly. He only wants you because I love you. He will never let you forget that you were mine first."
"Then take me with you. Rescue me from this horrible fate."
"I cannot," he whispered. "I...I am already becoming what they are calling me."
"Then so will I," she said stoutly. "I know the tales. I know what will happen. I will become a windigo with you. Then we shall be together for eternity."
"Even life with Cingusi would be better than that," he said emotionlessly. "That I will not let you do."
Tears flowed down her face, and she held out her hands in a plea for him to change his mind. Instead, he evaded her grasp and walked out of the cave. He didn't look back. He continued into the darkness until her beseeching screams faded.
~~~
It stood on the ice-covered lake as Her voice died, continuing to shield Its presence. She hadn't known portions of the story - only what had survived the passage of mouth-to-mouth time. It had added the missing pieces to the recitation.
She did not know what had happened afterwards. No one did, since no person had witnessed it to pass the facts down through lore.
Cocoman returned to the cave several times, as did Nimiwin. He never let her see him, though she sometimes sensed he was near. One time she was wearing her bridal dress. The dress she would wear to wed Cingusi. Months later, she was with child. His or Cingusi's? He could not tell how far along she was or determine when she might give birth.
He entered the first sleep, and a long while later, woke and consumed the moldering remains that initially fed him until he could hunt again. With his first strength, though, he didn't seek out his next meal. Instead, he returned to the cave.
She lay still and lifeless on the cave floor, already a skeleton. Her weather-worn buckskin dress was stained with dried blood from the knife she had plunged into her breast.
It - for by then, Cocoman's transformation was complete - roared in grief and pain. What had Cingusi done to her? Even It had not believed Its foe would treat her so badly that she would prefer death over his bed. Had not her family tried to protect her?
It tenderly picked her up and carried her far into the cave depths. This would be Its new lair. At least she would be with It in this way.
And those who had driven her to this would pay.