Hello once again! I'm back at it again with the bad OCs! The Marry Sue that I have caught in my trap today is Cherry Blossom from KikyoFernandes Goddess of music and elements {Sasuke x oc}.
She's a Goddess.... and her name is "Cherry Blossom"? So you mean Sakura, right?
OKAY. WELL. NICE TRY.
Let's move on to the summary, shall we?
She's a goddess, a newborn one. She is 4 years old and was found by the Akatsuki.
That's it? There might as well not be a summary; It's literally just two sentences that aren't anything special. If you want to attract readers, you have to have a good summary. I can forgive the summary being two sentences if it weren't for the fact that it sounds unfinished. It feels like there should be more after that second sentence. If any writing sounds unfinished then you should look over it and see if there's more to add.
Now that I'm through with the summary, it's time for the actual story. Get ready for this one kids, I have a feeling that this is going to be one hell of a ride.
She's one of the strongest God, she brought up by the Akatsuki.
Kane, correct me if I'm mistaken, but there aren't any Naruto characters who're gods. How's this going to work out in the story? I'll give her a fighting chance and not tear her apart... yet.
Yeah no. Characters like Madara strive to achieve god like power and call themselves gods, but no one is actually awarded that title. There aren't any gods in Naruto.
Another comment:
This is extremely choppy. Here's a tip: read things out loud to yourself. If it makes you cringe, reword it in a way that doesn't. On top of that, I already see several Mary Sue traits with this kid. She's one of the most powerful gods, but isn't she a newborn? How could that even be possible?
She can control elements. Her voice can heal and destroy.
WHY IS SHE SO OP? SHE'S FOUR! She does not need to have all these powers. I get that she's a god, but if she's a new born, she shouldn't be that strong to begin with.
She was found by the Akatsuki since the age of 4.
Oh boy.
I get what you're saying, but the way it was worded was atrocious. Read everything out loud, please. It can save you from sentences like this.
Then, she come to the academy at the age of 5 and met Sasuke.
Wait what?
Why would the Akatsuki let her go to the Academy, much less Konoha? They would train that little shit on their own terms, they wouldn't send her off to possibly expose them.
Her thoughts and everything is not just a five year old thinking.
Why is proof reading so hard? Please tell me.
Even when it comes to love, she's more mature than those who were far younger.
I'd hope she'd be more mature than those who're younger than her.
This is her story. Enjoy~
Oh shit. Straight out the cut.
I keep seeing the reoccurring problem of your writing sounding unfinished. Take the time to flesh out sentences and review them.
"What is this brat doing?!" The blue skin man yelled, she just shivered. "What's your name?" another man asked. "Cherry Blossom" the girl answered, showing no fear.
Cherry Blossom... I'm still not over that name.
Anyways, her family was just massacred (Who does that sound like? Take a guess.) and she's not the least bit concerned about these two men? Okay, sounds legit.
By the way, why did you label her as "the girl"? We know who she is. It seems a bit redundant.
"Do you know who we are?" Both of them asked. "Kisame and Itachi from Akatsuki" she answered. Itatchi and Kisame is really shocked now. A little kid, knowing who they are,and have the power of the Gods. "Let's bring her to Nagato"
No. NEITHER of them would refer to their leader as Nagato. They would call him Pein-sama. Educate yourself. I also highly doubt that they would just take some kid who claimed to have godly powers to their leader. They're a criminal organization and have more important tasks at hand.
"That little kiddo... reminds me of Sasuke...' Itachi thought.
How? HOW? He recently met the girl, how the hell can she remind him of his brother???
Just-
"Itanii-san! Pain-sama! Konan-sama! I'm off" The 5years old sang, one year had passed since Itachi and Kisame found her.
Thanks for letting us know about what happened in that year. Oh and something I just thought about: if the Akatsuki actually believed that she was a god, then they wouldn't have let her leave; especially to Konoha. They would've used her for her powers and kept her a secret for their own advantage. Why would they waste their time with her otherwise?
"Why are you here?" The other asked. "To study!" I answered.
She's a god. What does she need to study exactly and why?
"We'll bring you to the Hokage"
What? No? Why would they bring some suspicious forest child to the Hokage? These guards need to be fired.
"What's your name?" He asked. "Cherry Blossom!"
I still can't believe this name.
"Why do you come here? Where do you come from? the old man continue to ask me. "I can't from the forest nearby and I came here because this is the nearest village to the forest. My family had just been recently murdered so I have to come here in order to live."
"My family had just been recently murdered"
Goodness me.
I also thought that she came there to study. Why would she come there to live if she had a life with the Akatsuki? What was the whole point of Akatsuki's involvement with this girl? Was it to get unrealistic interactions between the OC and the Akatsuki members? Proba-fucking-ly.
"You don't have a house do you? Here!" He smiled and handed me the keys.
What the shit. NO. Why would he-? The Hokage-? I'M DONE.
Postmortem diagnosis: There are many grammatical errors. I gave up trying to point all of them out. All I have to say is proof read. PROOF. READ. A lot of the choppy sentences can be fixed that way. You also need to start a new line when there's a new speaker. It makes it much easier for the reader follow along and keep track of who is talking.
There were problems with characters being OOC, which can be fixed by looking up the character and researching their behavior.
Cherry Blossom (Unholy screaming) is unrealistically powerful. She's a baby, there is no point in having her be so OP. You just made her a god to make her a god and then decided that she wasn't special enough and gave her incredible power. Tone her down. She can be a normal kid and be interesting! Hell, you might be able to pull off her being a goddess if you don't go over board with your special snowflake sprinkles.
The concept of the Akatsuki taking care of a little one is undeniably cute and I'd love to read a story about that, but actually describe how they're taking care of them. Don't throw them in there just so your character is affiliated with them.
Cherry Blossom also doesn't have much of a personality, so that's another thing that needs work. She felt completely flat and boring. Give her some predominant traits and flaws and flesh them out. Overall you just need to proof read, research characters, and develop your OC.
With that being said, I think I'm going to call it a day. Man, Mary Sue hunting can be hard work, but it's all worth it. Well, see you next time I've caught some kill!
I'm out.
-SueKillerMilo
Art: shed (pixiv)