(Disclaimer: I'm no expert on the NWSL/US Soccer and their rules and regulations so obviously not everything is 100% accurate - but necessary for the storytelling)
After enjoying lunch with Camila and Lara, we had made our way to pick up Lara's best friend Alma. I had heard a lot about her this far but hadn't met her yet. It was exciting to see the little girl I shared such a strong bond with interact with kids her own age. Up until this point I hadn't had a chance to see a lot of that. The feeling of being included in their daily lives filled me with indescribable joy.
Alma was definitely a lot shier than I had expected. The dynamic between her and Lara was absolutely endearing. Lara truly blossomed around her best friend and seemed more confident which was adorable to me. I was reminded of her wish concerning siblings and had a better understanding of why she wanted to be a big sister. Watching them laugh and simply be carefree felt wonderful.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I had completely forgotten everything around me. Lara and Alma were on the playground in the park as Camila walked away from them and back to me. Seated on a bench, I blinked a few times to snap back to reality. The younger one took a seat next to me.
Turning my head to face her, I was surprised by her hand approaching my face. I realized she was holding a purple flower of some sort that she had probably plucked in the park. Before I knew it, she placed the flower behind my ear and in my hair. Her big smile while doing it made my heart flutter. Actually, the entire gesture made my heart beat faster because it was so undeniably sweet.
„I knew it would look cute on you," Camila said quietly while I suppressed the urge to kiss her because Lara was a only a few feet away. „You're blushing," she added with a hint of a grin.
„I'm not blushing," I tried playing it cool although I was sure my cheeks had probably flushed without me noticing.
„You totally are which makes it even cuter," my girlfriend chuckled lightly.
„Maybe a little," I gave in hesitatingly but smiled as well.
„Yeah, just a tiny bit," the other brunette clearly teased.
„You enjoy seeing me flustered, huh?" I asked playfully.
„You're one to talk!" she scoffed as I smirked. „Usually you get me flustered with your one-liners so I might as well get revenge."
„I guess that's true," I admitted honestly.
We exchanged a smile and I focused my eyes on her lips for a brief moment. I noticed her eyes lowering to my lips as well but kissing wasn't an option in front of her daughter so we held back. Instead we watched Lara and Alma for a while. It was freezing cold but they didn't seem to care. A part of me wanted to snuggle up to my girlfriend to create some warmth but I resisted once again.
„I know we said we would wait until we're alone," Camila suddenly spoke up and I faced her immediately. „But I can't help but be curious. Are you really thinking about playing soccer again?"
I took a deep breath and shifted my body so I was turned towards her. Perhaps it was better to talk about my thoughts later on but I understood her curiosity and didn't see a problem speaking to her about it now. Opening up had never been a strength of mine but I was trying and therefore explained what I had been going through.
„Well, recently I've been very unhappy at work," I began and met her gaze. „I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough. You know me and I'm a really ambitious person so I don't mind working a lot.. but something doesn't feel right. The amount of pressure I put on myself is starting to weigh on me and I feel like I have no time to wind down. I'm very much on edge almost constantly."
Taking a little break to sort out my thoughts, I made sure to look into her eyes and saw nothing but affection and genuine interest in them. Therefore I continued.
„Going to therapy, I realized that the pressure I put on myself in that environment can be very unhealthy," I resumed sharing my feelings. „I want to be successful but not at the expense of my health. Being that I have a tendency to be self-destructive, I'm questioning whether working there is the best option for me right now or something I can postpone to later in life when I'm in a better frame of mind. Does that make any sense?"
„Makes perfect sense," Camila immediately responded supportingly. „I'm actually proud that you have so much insight into what you feel right now. It's nice to see you taking care of your own needs. And if that means you go back to playing soccer, I definitely don't mind," she added with a smile.
„Yeah...about that," I hesitated and inhaled deeply. „I've been doing some research and talked to some people," I revealed as my girlfriend lifted her eyebrows. „If I want to play for a team in the league, I'd have to go through the College Draft."
There were many ways for a soccer team to recruit players and depending on what category the players are put in, there was a mechanism to acquire players. The College Draft was only one of many but inevitable in my case. Obviously that limited my options and power to decide where I wanted to go.
„What? Why?" the brown-eyes questioned in confusion. „You're not a graduate anymore and already played in the league."
„I know," I sighed. „What they told me was that technically I've never played after graduating. Even though I played for the Boston Breakers, I was still in college at the time. That's why they would consider me for the College Draft."
I saw the wheels in Camila's head turning. She was trying to piece the information I was giving her together and looked more anxious than before.
„If you register for the Draft, you're going to be everyone's first pick," she said.
„You don't know that," I disagreed quietly. „I haven't played in a long time and there are some amazing young players."
„Lauren, please," the left midfielder smiled weakly. „You're one of the best players of our generation, if not the best. I guess...I'm just wondering because New York doesn't have the first pick in the draft. Orlando does." Gulping lightly, I nodded and watched her facial features growing more concerned. „So, you would go to Orlando?" I heard the mixture of surprise and slight fear in her voice.
„Camila, I haven't really decided on anything yet," I tried to appease since she seemed overwhelmed. „It's something I've been thinking about and if I have to go to Orlando for the season, it wouldn't be permanent. I'd play there for the first season to get back into it and then I could transfer to New York. Which is what I want, obviously. I want to be here with you and Lara. The last thing I want is to ruin what we have right now."
My girlfriend was silent. I assumed she was still processing and that was nerve-wracking. Not being able to stand the silence, I continued rambling.
„If you think about it, the season lasts only for a few months and I'd come back right after," I kept going nervously. „I'm sure I can work something out with Orlando and New York so I can play here next season. For now I can't make any demands since I'm just starting again. But the goal is to come back here to be with you so we have more time together. Maybe I get called back to the national team as well so we'd see each other for camps and stuff-"
„Lauren," Camila cut me off before taking a very deep breath. „I understand. Just give me a moment to let it sink in."
„I'm sorry," I apologized instantly but she shook her head.
„Don't apologize," she replied more calmly. „You're doing what I always wanted you to do; putting yourself first. I admit that I wasn't expecting this but I absolutely understand if that's what you need to do."
„I haven't decided yet," I interjected meekly.
„Yes, you have," her response was just as soft. „You wouldn't have gone through all these scenarios if you didn't want to do it."
„I don't want you to think I'm not considering you and our relationship in all of this," I voiced a fear of mine. „When it comes to long-term decisions, I think this is best for us. Although I'm in New York right now, we barely see each other anyway and often times I'm so stressed and anxious that I can't enjoy it fully because of work."
„You don't have to justify yourself," the professional athlete said. „I want you to be happy and if this makes you happy then I'm always going to support your decision."
„But it's not just my decision," I countered gently. „I want to know what you think and whether or not you are on board with it. Honestly, if you don't want me to go then I won't."
„It is your decision," Camila emphasized although I was shaking my head now.
„Yeah but I won't go if we break up because of this," I blurted out.
„Lauren," she looked at me intently. „I love you. And I want to be with you. But most of all I want you to be happy. If that means that you're going to move to Florida for a while then of course I won't just break up with you. I know we can get through this because we've been through way worse than this. The last thing I want is for you to stay in an unhealthy situation because of me. I love you way too much for that. You've always been there for me and I'm going to be here for you as well. I'm happy you're considering my feelings in this but my feelings for you won't change whether you're an architect in New York or a soccer player in Orlando. As long as you're happy, I'm on board."
I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I listened to her gentle voice and words. She smiled encouragingly and took my hand in hers for a soft squeeze.
„I'm sorry but I was a little shocked so it took me a minute," Camila said. „I'm still processing but I know you're doing the right thing."
„No, I get it. And I didn't want to ambush you with this. It was just a thought and I guess I didn't realize how much I had considered it until now," I admitted genuinely.
Quickly glancing at Lara and Alma, they weren't looking so I seized the opportunity to place a kiss on the back of Camila's hand.
„I love you," I said decisively and saw her smiling in response. „You know that, right?"
„Of course," her brown eyes exuded tenderness. „I love you, too."
„I don't want to risk what we have," I sighed deeply.
„Who says we can't have something even better?" her positive response helped diminish my concerns.
I hadn't fully decided on what I wanted to do but having had that conversation with my girlfriend was eye-opening. Without her opinion on things, I never could have gone through with any of it. Perhaps change wasn't such a bad thing. Although the idea scared the crap out of me, I felt relieved knowing she was going to support my decision either way.
She let go of my hand and we went back to watch Lara and Alma. Since it was freezing, I couldn't stand sitting still for a longer period of time and decided to join the little ones on the playground. Alma was starting to open up to me but I made a conscious effort not to overwhelm her since she barely knew me. I went along with whatever games they were playing and made the best of the time we had together.
-
Later that night, Lara was already in bed after a long day outside and I was helping Camila clean up. The plan of our romantic day together had fallen through but I was happy with the outcome nonetheless. And I hadn't given up on the possibility of some alone time for us after all. It was pretty late by now and I approached my girlfriend who was in her bedroom.
„Are you tired?" I asked while walking up to her.
„Yeah," she sighed but smiled at me.
„Does that mean I should go home or...can I spend the night anyway?" I questioned carefully before putting my arms around her waist.
„You can stay," the younger one answered and draped her arms around my neck.
„In the guest room?" I kinked an eyebrow.
„You probably should," her answer made me smirk.
„But?"
„But I want to cuddle," she revealed before biting her lower lip.
„Sure that's all you want?" I couldn't resist teasing her a little.
„You know the rules," her husky voice replied and I nodded immediately.
„I know."
It was clear she was talking about Lara and that meant that we wouldn't do something that we didn't want her witness or interrupt. I was okay with those terms and could enjoy simply being close to Camila without being overly physical. As long as I had the option of cuddling and falling asleep next to her, I was satisfied. I would sneak out of Camila's room in the morning before Lara woke up and go the guest room that I had lived in not too long ago.
After getting ready for bed, I was on my phone and replied to some text messages I hadn't had a chance to read during the day. I didn't notice how comfortable I felt lying in Camila's bed and waiting for her to join me until I saw her coming out of the bathroom. Immediately putting my phone away, I admired the dark-haired beauty crawling into bed in her casual sweatpants and oversized jumper. As much as I enjoyed it when she got dolled up, nothing reinforced my genuine feelings for her more than seeing her absolutely natural like this. My heart fluttered like crazy.
„You're gorgeous," I blurted out without really meaning to.
„Stop it," Camila looked flustered before settling next to me.
She slid closer to me under the covers and I instantly opened my arms to welcome her in my embrace. I sighed deeply in contentment as soon as I felt her slender body pressed up against mine. The soccer player nuzzled my neck and I felt her warm breath hitting the sensitive skin. Her arm draped around my torso, I used one hand to softly stroke up and down her spine while the other caressed her hair.
There was nothing more relaxing to me than hearing her steady breathing and heartbeat. It almost felt like my own heart rate was syncing up to hers. Tenderly threading some of her soft hair strands, I let myself wind down completely. The thought of going to sleep like this every night crossed my mind. To my own surprise, it didn't scare me.
Making a commitment to live together was a big deal and I knew Camila wasn't going to rush into anything. The fact that was I possibly moving away soon made me think even more. What would happen after I finished the season with Orlando? I wanted to come back to New York and maybe our relationship had progressed by then. Was it silly to think that we could move in together after Orlando?
I had lived with someone before and I realized that Camila had too. For some reason, I was still shocked whenever I remembered my girlfriend had been married before. I seemed surreal. She had had all this experiences in such a short amount of time. Continuously stroking her hair, my mouth opened before I was able to think things through.
„Camila?" I breathed carefully because I wasn't sure if she asleep by now.
„Hmm?"
„Can I ask you something?"
„You just did," her response made me laugh gently.
„Alright, smart-ass," I countered and felt her giggling against my neck. „Could you...I mean, can you see yourself getting married again at some point?"
I didn't see her but I almost felt the astonishment in the way her body reacted. Her breath hitched for a second and I immediately regretted my words.
„If it's the right time and the right person," she answered as my pulse quickened. Her body shifted and she propped herself up on one elbow to face me. Meeting the brown eyes I was so in love with, I felt equally nervous and encouraged. „Why do you ask?" her voice was quiet and shy.
„Just wondering," I tried shrugging it off but felt her eyes on me. „You were married once and I was curious whether that's something you would consider again. Or maybe you don't think it's necessary. I don't know...I never got your take on it, I guess."
„Got it," she smiled softly. „I can definitely see myself getting married again. But it would have to be right then."
„I understand," I nodded subtly as her hand stroked my cheek.
„What about you?" her smile widened.
„What about me?"
„Do you want to get married at some point?" she asked and I swallowed lightly.
„I guess," I nearly stammered.
„You guess?" a soft laugh escaped her lips. „You never thought about it?"
„I dreamt about it once," I kept spilling before analyzing what I was saying.
„Oh really?" Camila looked intrigued and it felt as if she was hypnotizing me with her beautiful brown eyes that made it impossible for me to say anything but the absolute truth. „What was the dream?"
„I can't tell you," I shook my head this time.
„Why not?" she protested.
„Because it's embarrassing," I revealed.
„Did you have a dream of marrying your celebrity crush?" my girlfriend guessed and grinned. „Everyone has that dream at least once."
„No but I had a dream of marrying you."
I wasn't sure what I was thinking saying it out loud; I probably wasn't thinking it at all. Again I had this inability to say anything but the truth and the words kept coming out. Perhaps it was the fact that I used to withhold my feelings for so long and now they were catching up. Camila looked stunned. Her eyes had widened and her smile had softened.
„Sorry, I told you it was embarrassing," I wanted to do damage control in case I had gone too far.
„No, I was not expecting that answer but don't apologize," she whispered. „Was it recent?" she followed up and I nodded in response. „Was it...a good dream?" her nerves showed because she was biting her lip.
„How could dreaming about getting married to you not be a good dream?" I answered with a little smirk to see her head tilting lightly.
„You're so smooth," Camila chuckled but I detected a little flush on her cheeks. „You're not going to tell me more about the dream?"
„Maybe some other time," I replied because I felt like I had shared enough about my sometimes overzealous feelings. It was a fine line between being open and oversharing in my opinion. The last thing I wanted was to scare her off by wanting too much too soon. She seemed content and nodded her head in agreement.
„Come here," I breathed and put my hand on the back of her neck, pulling her in for a kiss.
The soft lips touched mine and I tasted the faint flavor of her minty toothpaste which was pleasant. Being with Lara all day had prohibited us from sharing affection like this and I couldn't deny that I had missed kissing her. Not letting go of her, I captured her bottom lip between mine repeatedly before gently rolling her around so she was on her back.
She smiled into our kiss as I settled next to her but managed to sneak one leg in between hers. I was slightly on top of her but not to where she would have to carry my body weight on her. It was comfortable for both of us and I didn't waste any time. As much as I enjoyed our talks and emotional bonding, I seized the chance of physical closeness as well. It wasn't something that we got to share a lot due to our busy schedules.
Sometimes I forgot the importance of touch. Simple things like her hand grabbing my shoulder to pull me in more. I had always been affectionate in relationships but it was so much more intense with Camila. Every little action caused a bigger reaction than I was used to. It was hard for me to turn off my mind and simply let myself feel. In the past it had been nearly impossible. I was improving and sharing moments like those reminded me why it was important to let go and enjoy whatever it was that I felt.
„I love you," I unexpectedly heard the other brunette whisper against my lips in between kisses.
„I love you, too," I reciprocated without any hesitation or overthinking.
I kissed her more passionately as a result and felt her doing the same. Her lips opened just enough for me to let my tongue tease the tip of hers. The slender fingers wandered from my shoulders to my hair, holding on tighter than before. Her breathing sped up and I couldn't help myself but slip my hand underneath her sweater to touch her bare skin. As soon as I did, she gasped quietly and I squeezed the warm skin just above her hips.
Camila responded by brushing her tongue against my bottom lip. I understood her plea and granted her tongue access the next time our mouths collided in a heated kiss. It was becoming harder to control myself and not do something that would overstep the boundaries we had set. Especially when I couldn't think properly and was guided by my emotions. Those were led by lust and passion at the moment.
Her kisses weren't exactly timid either and I took a deep breath before letting go of her lips and bending down to kiss her neck. The second my mouth latched onto the heated skin, Camila moaned quietly, her back arching in surprise. Those reactions only fueled my desire to please her. My lips sucked gently at first while the tip of my tongue grazed her neck. Her low panting was driving me insane.
I bit down on her neck and sucked on it more harshly. My girlfriend released a sound that sounded like a mixture of a moan and squeal. My inhibitions were gone at that point and my hand kept wandering from her hips to her stomach and further down. I passed the waistband of her sweatpants as her hand grabbed my wrist to stop me.
„Lauren," she said breathlessly and I instantly stopped.
„I'm sorry," the apology followed immediately.
„No, it's okay but...we can't...I mean I can't," she had a hard time controlling her voice which was surprisingly adorable. „As much as I want to, I can't do it."
„I know and I didn't mean to push," I replied while exhaling loudly. „You're just...so hot," I added with a grin to make her smile.
„Says the master seductress," Camila replied with a big smile and I placed a little kiss on her cheek.
We exchanged a few more soft kisses to calm down but still share affection before snuggling up to each other. Now I was the one resting my head on her shoulder while she held me close. I relaxed within a few seconds and felt myself drifting off to sleep.
-
The plan had been for me to sneak out of Camila's bedroom before Lara would wake up. When I opened my eyes the next morning, I noticed that my girlfriend wasn't in bed anymore though. Quickly reaching for my phone to see how late it was, I was surprised to find that it was still fairly early in the morning.
I went to the bathroom to freshen up first before looking for Camila. Quietly opening the door, I walked outside and only saw a dim light coming from the living room. Lara's door was still closed and I assumed she was asleep which was good. I couldn't be sure until I went to take a look at who was awake in the living room. As I approached the illuminated room, a different sense took over.
There was noise coming from the room as well. The closer I got, the clearer I heard it. It was music. A guitar to be more exact. Of course I had an inkling that Camila was possibly playing the instrument but I wasn't certain until I reached her. She was sitting on the couch and there was in fact a guitar in her lap. Since she wasn't facing me, I wanted to take a few seconds to enjoy her relaxed playing.
I was about to make my presence felt when she suddenly started singing. My heart skipped a beat the second her low but heavenly voice sang in perfect unison to a song I didn't recognize.
[ Jaymes Young - Moondust (Stripped) ]
„I'm building this house on the moon
Like a lost astronaut
Lookin' at you like a star
From a place the world forgot
And there's nothing that I can do
Except bury my love for you"
Although I was mesmerized by her singing, it felt intrusive for me to watch her without her knowing I was there. It took me a few moments but I walked closer and saw her head turning. I was relieved to see her smiling and continuing to play. Carefully sitting down on the armchair next to her, I resumed listening to her marvelous voice and guitar skills.
„The brightness of the sun will give me just enough
To bury my love in the moon dust
I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice
To bury my love in the moon dust
Nothing can breathe in the space
Colder than the darkest sea
I have dreams about the days driving through your sunset breeze
But the first thing that I will do
Is bury my love for you
I'm a cast away, and men reap what they sow
And I say what I know to be true
Yeah, I'm living far away on the face of the moon
I've buried my love to give the world to you"
She stopped playing and I was in awe. I had heard her sing and play before but this was different. It felt so intimate and natural. Her voice fell silent and I instantly missed it. I wanted to hear more obviously but I also saw how vulnerable she felt. Her eyes met my gaze and exuded some insecurity.
„That was beautiful," I said promptly to deaden her self-consciousness.
„You liked it?" she asked coyly.
„Of course," I reassured. „I loved it even though I have never heard the song before. But you always had the upper hand when it came to music so I'm not surprised you know all these amazing songs. And your voice...I still have chills."
Camila looked somewhat flustered and simply nodded in regards to my compliments. I couldn't help myself but close the gap between us. Sitting down right beside her on the couch, I cupped her face in my hands to kiss her lovingly. She reciprocated just as tenderly and stroked my arm in response.
„Mommy?"
The high-pitched voice made both of us flinch and immediately pull away before discovering Lara standing by the door.
'Well, shit.' I said to myself internally and couldn't believe that we had managed the entire day yesterday of not getting caught but failed at the end. The irony of Lara always catching us off guard wasn't lost on me but I was wondering how Camila felt since she had been so adamant about waiting to tell her daughter...
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A/N: I know it's been a very long time since the last update. I've been going through some tough times personally and couldn't find the energy and/or inspiration to write. If you've been following me since DIWK then you probably know that I'm struggling with some stuff and relapses happen. Please understand that me not updating doesn't mean that I don't want to. It means I can't at the moment.
I hope you understand that I can't say how regularly I can update but I'll try my best. Hopefully you'll like the chapter although it's just a bunch of fluff. Feedback is always appreciated and thanks for the support up until now.
Have a good one - Jazmin