It was Ally's last night in New York. After the great dinner we had had recently, I had invited her to my apartment for another evening with Dinah and I. Her company was so positive and extremely educational so I wasn't surprised to find my best friend and Ally getting along as well. I wanted to take the opportunity of having the soon to be author in the city and spend some with her.
Since Lara was with Austin this Friday, we had the apartment to ourselves and after a big dinner we had settled in the living room. Ally had brought some wine and I wasn't sure how much of the alcoholic beverage I had consumed but I was a lightweight and always had been. My inhibition levels were lower when I was tipsy and Dinah had managed to turn our conversation into a certain direction.
„So Mila, did you express the thirst like we suggested?" Dinah asked with a smirk whereas Ally smiled gently.
„I hate you," I mumbled quietly although I felt my cheeks flushing.
„Lauren probably loved it," Dinah added with a laugh.
„There was nothing to love because I didn't...express anything," I admitted coyly.
„Boring," my best friend playfully rolled her eyes.
„We talked about it though," I said more confidently.
„Boooring," the other soccer player repeated but I knew she was just teasing me. „The goal was to stop talking."
„It's not that easy to just...you know...be open and...I don't know," I sighed in frustration and decided to take another big gulp from my drink.
„All jokes aside, if you do feel like you want to talk about something then I'm always here to listen," Ally offered sincerely.
„I know but I don't want to make it a bigger deal than it probably is", I said carefully. „Everyone probably has these thoughts, right?"
„What thoughts are we talking about?" the oldest asked calmly.
„I don't know," I sighed and emptied my glass in another gulp. „I think...I never had a healthy relationship to sex."
„What makes you think that?" Ally's questions didn't make me uncomfortable because she never seemed to judge me. And the alcohol helped me open up as well.
„My parents are super religious," I revealed whereas Dinah already knew that about me. „There was so much taboo around it and they made it seem like it was the most shameful thing. I probably still feel some of that shame even if I don't want to."
„You had Lara at a young age, right?"
„I did," I agreed and nodded. „And they made me feel even more ashamed when that all happened. It wasn't like they ever sat me down and talked to me about sex and what it meant. I was so clueless as a teenager. All I knew was that I wanted to rebel against everything my parents wanted for me and Austin was...he never forced me to but I thought I was expected to do it. I never really felt anything beyond the physicality of it."
„So there was a disconnect?" Ally wondered.
„Totally," I kept talking and spilling my guts which was extremely unusual for me but I couldn't stop for some reason. „Sex and having a strong emotional bond with someone were not the same thing to me. This sounds so horrible but I felt like sex was something I had to do for the pleasure of the other person. I don't have a strong need for it, I guess. And I haven't been with many people because I don't form emotional bonds easily either."
„And that's totally fine, Camila," the light-haired woman said comfortingly. „Everyone is different. We all have different experiences, needs and wishes. And you admittedly have rather negative associations with sex so it's normal that you wouldn't seek out something that hasn't given you many positive experiences in the past."
