The story that I'll be preying on today is called The Last? (Naruto Fan Fic) done by dANGERskylines. Her gloriously over powered Mary Sue is called Yuki, a sad sad orphan girl whose entire clan was slaughtered. Huh. Sounds strangely familiar. I'm not going to be writing down all the lines of her story. Just the ones that need the most work.
Take a deep breath Naruto fans. This one gets ugly.
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I rolled out of bed and sighed.
Another horrible day.
Two sentences in and this Sue is already displaying stereotypical "I'm depressed, no one loves me, look at how alone I am traits". Faaaaaantastic.
I dressed quickly into my blue ragged tank top with the Yuki symbol on it, and my black pants.
First, the adverb "quickly" should go before the verb. Second, there should be a comma between "blue" and "ragged". There also doesn't need to be a comma after "it". The conjunction "and" is enough. Minor details. So far so go-
Oh wait, what the hell does the Yuki symbol look like.
Wha....what? The Yuki symbol is not a preexisting part of the Narutoverse. It's fine to splash some creativity around but you need to describe to your readers what you're envisioning. It sounds pretty cool. I want to know what it looks like dammit. Moving on.
-pulled my blue and black hair up into a pony tail.
Blue and black? Did someone punch her hair enough that it magically got bruised? This description is confusing. Is it black hair with blue streaks in it? Black hair that has a deep blue shine to it? Assist us in the imagination department please.
I looked in the mirror dejectingly.
I think you meant dejectedly. Dejectingly is unfortunately not a word. Try again.
I strapped my kunais to my belt and added a few ninja stars and a sword for the hell of it.
"Kunai" is a word that is not pluralized with an "s". Also, there are one too many "ands" in this run on sentence. I strapped my kunai to my belt, added a few ninja stars, and a sword just for the hell of it might be a better option. You can also break it into two different parts. I strapped a kunai to my belt. I then added a few ninja stars and a sword just for the hell of it. I'd also like to point out that this kind of weaponry is not at all appropriate for the Academy. None of the other students would arm themselves like this just for a sit in class and Iruka sensei would most likely ask her to remove them.
I dashed off to the Academy, wondering if I was going to be late.
~!#$%^&*&^%$#!~
Iruka sensai came into the room, pulling a blonde spiky haired boy I knew as Uzumaki Naruto wrapped in ropes.
Hold on wait a minute whoah. What the hell is that jumbled mess of symbols up there. Did your character have a seizure? Wha... Wait you're using that to show a time skip?!? Characters such as those are used to censor cussing, not show the passage of time. It reads as if Yuki's Kekkei Genkai is teleportation induced Turrets. Anything else please.
Problemo. Numero. Dos.
Iruka sensai-
Really. Sensai. Even Google, which could translate " What page is the Spanish homework?" to "Let's ride tacos butt ass naked into the sunset.", got this one right. I have faith that you can too.
"Because of Naruto, we will be reviewing the Transformation Jutsu by you all transforming perfectly into me." -
Just...what even. This sounds so wrong. I get what you're saying but the order of the words made me frown. Please, rearrange them. The paragraph goes on explaining how Sasuke, Sakura, and the Sue perfectly executed the Jutsu. Naruto instead did his trademark Sexy Jutsu, which is exactly what happened in episode one. I'm hoping that the plot of this isn't exactly the same as the first episode.
(Little did I know motherfucker. Little did I know).
I opened the door to reveal the duck butt haired boy. Wasn't his name like Sasuke, or something.
IT LIKE TOTALLY IS GURL.
"Can I help you?" I asked with a bit of suspicion in my voice.
"Uh, you left your kunai in class...I was returning it." He said quietly, as though he didn't really want to be here at the moment.
Sasuke doesn't give two shits about anyone right now. His main focus is to learn all he can in order to kill Itachi. Why the hell would he go out of his way to give a random girl her kunai? Sasuke sure as hell doesn't stutter either. There are no "uhs" or "ums" in his vocabulary. Reign in the out of character traits please.
Well, there was Naruto. I could try to befriend him, to add some excitement to life...
Wow. "I'm going to befriend this guy just so I can use him as a source of amusement." What an upstanding kunoichi. Ten out of ten CareBear hearts.
Wasn't the Uchiha boy also an orphan? -...Odd...he doesn't act like an orphan...
I'm sorry is there a predisposed behavior that all orphans have? How the hell is an orphan supposed to act? Is it so obvious that you can just look at someone and say "Oh yeah that's definitely an orphan."? No.
The blonde girl snapped her head to me, her glared fading away as she saw my face. I don't know why...but that always happens when people look at me. They become calm and eerie quiet.
Was it fear or admiration that made them do that?
Oh yes. Of course. YUKI IS JUST SO POWERFUL AND GREAT THAT EVERYONE MUST FEAR/ADMIRE HER. SHE'S JUST SO AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING. Stop. Please. We haven't even heard her abilities besides being able to make six clones. Where is the reason for all of this fear. There's also a few grammatical errors but at this point there's much worse.
Guys...It goes on. And on. And o-
I kept walking until I found Kakashi, reading a book.
No.
"The Makeout Series...? Seriously Kakashi?" I chuckled lightly.
He shrugged and studied me intently. "Do I need to put it away to fight you? Because I had to with Sasuke... Not with Naruto though. Or Sakura. She just fainted at my illusion attack."
"Maybe I'll leave that for you to decide." I pulled out a kunai and flinted towards him, from one place to another. He could barely keep up.
He could barely keep up
HE COULD BARELY KEEP UP. WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK KAKASHI IS. HE'S A GROWN ASS ANBU LEVEL JONIN THAT COULD CUNT PUNT ANY OF THEM TO THE MOON. Sasuke is the top of his class and even he couldn't get Kakashi close to exhausted. You've single-handedly undermined all of the characters on Naruto with your OP Sue. Congratulations. I just...
Postmortem Diagnosis: Fix grammar and spelling mistakes. A simple review before posting will eliminate this in the future. Dial down Yuki's power level. It's not an interesting story when the main character is already way more powerful than her comrades. PLEASE change up the plot. I've seen Naruto. There's a good chance everyone who is reading your fic has also seen Naruto. I would rather rewatch Naruto than read it. Give your character a more individualistic background. Sasuke already has that backstory. That's his thing. His purpose is due to that event. Overall, this OC idea is not bad. It has potential to be interesting and the events surrounding the Yuki clan are vague enough that you have a lot of creative space. Expand. Give us more detail. This can easily be a kick ass fic that gets Yuki the attention she deserves.
Alright guys. Reviewing things is a lot harder than I thought. My accomplice and I have some Mary Sue stalking to do. See you once I sharpen my knife.
-Trash_Tanuki
Art: Mary Takehime (Pinterest)