Everything around me is falling apart. Everything around me is scattering. Everything around me is falling and it's driving me crazy...
"Doyoung, you can't be staying in your bed forever," Jaehyun said as he entered my room.
"Go away," I groaned in frustration and covered my face with my pillow.
Jaehyun sighed and sat on the opposite bed. "You haven't eaten for two days. You're going to die of starvation," Jaehyun said.
"A human can survive without food for two weeks. I'll be fine," I said to Jaehyun.
"Hyung, please come and eat. At least eat a little bit of rice for energy," Jaehyun begged.
"Later," I groaned once more.
Jaehyun sighed before leaving me in my room. I can't blame him, he's been doing for two days every five hours.
I just feel like everything I've down has been for nothing. It's been a waste of time because it's all falling apart.
Because of you, I'm becoming ruined and I want to stop, I don't want you anymore because I can't do it anymore and it sucks. Please stop giving me any excuses...
"Hyung! What are you doing!?" Jaehyun shouted as he saw me in an abandoned alley near our dorm at 1 am.
"I'm burning polaroids," I replied with a smile as I stared at the fire.
"You couldn't do it at another time?" Jaehyun asked and I shook my head.
Jaehyun just sighed and sat beside me.
"Why are you doing this hyung? These contain all your memories with her," Jaehyun said to me in a sleepy voice.
"Exactly. If I burn all of my memories with her, I'll be able to stop my feelings," I replied and continued.
Before Jaehyun could give an excuse, I shut him off. "Please don't be like her, always giving excuses."
Jaehyun nod and accompanied me.
You can't do this to me. All of the things you said are like a mask. It hides the truth and rips me apart, it pierces me and I'm going crazy. I hate this. Take it all away. I hate you...
"Hyung, please stop this. You're going to regret this," Jaehyun said as he saw me watching videos of her and deleting it.
"Everything she's said is fake, I just want to forget everything she's said," I said softly to him.
"Doyoung-ah, stop filming and enjoy this moment with me," Sihyun said in the video. "Live in the moment."
"I want to keep this as a memory so when we're older, we'll get to see this," I said in the video.
"Look Doyoung-ah, isn't the sunset beautiful?" Sihyun said.
"Yeah, but not as beautiful as you," I said to her making her blush.
"It doesn't sound fake to me," Jaehyun said.
"Oh, but it is," I replied and deleted the video as soon as it stopped. "Can't you see? I'm going crazy because of her. The faster the memories go away, less crazy I'll be. I hate her, Jaehyun. I hate her."
Jaehyun shook his head and laid on his bed in disappointment.
But you're my everything, my everything, everything. Please go away. I'm sorry - I hate you. I love you - I hate you. Forgive me...
As I looked at the photos on my phone with her, I remembered every single one of them perfectly. From how soft her hair was to how sweet her voice was. From how she kisses me goodnight to how she dances in the living room to songs on the radio.
But I also remember the times we argue, the times she's scolded me for forgetting something and the times she's been a burden to me.
The times she laughs, it made my heart smile. The times she sleeps, it made my heart relax. But the times she cries, it made my heart ache. And the time she's gone, it made my heart scatter.
I need you girl. Why am I in love alone, why am I hurting alone? I need you girl. Why do I keep needing you when I know I'll get hurt...?
As Jaehyun hugged me tight, I cried onto him. "I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have burnt he polaroids, I shouldn't have deleted the videos. I miss her so much," I said in between sobs.
Jaehyun then tried his best to comfort me, but it didn't help. He couldn't bring her back.
"I'm going to be alone forever," I said in sadness. "I wish she was here."
"You know she can't," Jaehyun said.
"I know!" I exclaimed in sadness and continued crying.
I need you girl. You're beautiful...
"You're beautiful," I said to Sihyun as we walked together on the seaside.
"And you're handsome," Sihyun said with a blush.
"That's good, right? We'll get to make beautiful kids," I said to her and she laughed.
"Yeah, it's good," Sihyun replied and kissed my forehead.
I need you girl. You're so cold...
"You're so cold," I said to Sihyun.
"He was getting on my nerves," Sihyun replied. "He knows I'm together with you and he's still trying to hit on me. I can't believe you're not jealous.
"I am, but I know you won't love anyone else but me," I replied.
"That's good," Sihyun replied and kissed me on my nose.
I need you girl...
I quickly got off my bed, grabbed my jacket and left my room shared a room with Jaehyun.
I need you girl...
I wore my shoes, grabbed my cap and immediately left the dorm room.
I need you girl...
Even though the streets was loud and slightly crowded in the middle of the night, I managed to get through.
I need you girl...
Before I knew it, I was in front of Sihyun's tombstone.
It goes round & round, why do I keep coming back. I go down & down, at this point, I'm just a fool. Whatever I do, I can't help it. It's definitely my heart, my feelings but why don't they listen to me? I'm just talking to myself again and again. You're not saying anything, please, I'll treat you well. But the sky is blue, the sky is blue...
As I stood in front of her tombstone, I fell onto my knees and looked at the flower I placed for her.
"I'm such a fool for coming back," I said to Sihyun's tombstone with disappointment. "I know you told me not to come back here, but my heart and my feelings aren't listening to what I'm saying."
I wished she would reply to me, but I know it's impossible. "Why am I always talking to you, I know you're not going to say anything," I said feeling a tear come out.
All of the sudden, the sky was changing colour. It's changing colour.
The sky is blue and the sun is shining. So my tears are even more noticeable. Why is it you? Why did it have to be you? Why can't I leave you..?
As the sun shined onto her tombstone, I felt more tears coming out.
"Hyung!" I heard Jaehyun's voice from afar.
I didn't reply and just stayed in my kneeling position.
"Hyung," Jaehyun said trying to catch his breath as he saw me. "I thought something happened to you. You got us all worried."
"I'm sorry," I said to him trying to not cry anymore.
But Jaehyun noticed my tears. He got out a tissue and helped me wipe my face.
"Why did I love her?" I asked Jaehyun.
"Because you saw something in her that no one else saw and she saw something in you that no one else saw," Jaehyun replied.
"Why did she had to go first?" I asked Jaehyun with tears about to come out once more.
"Because that's what god planned in the first place," Jaehyun replied.
"Why can't I leave her?" I asked him with tears coming out.
"Because you love her a lot," Jaehyun replied.
Girl, just tell me you wanna break up. Girl, just tell me it wasn't love. I have no courage to say that. Give me my last gift so I can't ever go back to you.
"Why didn't she broke up with me if she knew she was going to die?" I asked Jaehyun as we walked back to the dorm.
"Because she didn't want to break up with you," Jaehyun replied.
"I wish she told me that our love was nothing," I said.
"She couldn't say that because she really loved you a lot," Jaehyun said.
"I wish I said it, but I have no courage to do that," I said.
"It's not that you had no courage, it's just that you didn't know and you love her," Jaehyun said.
"Can't she just give me one last kiss so I can't ever go back to her?" I asked him and Jaehyun just shook his head.
I need you girl. Why am I in love alone, why am I hurting alone. I need you girl. Why do I keep needing you when you when I know I'll get hurt?
When Jaehyun and I were back in our room, I sat down on my bed and looked at the floor. "I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have burnt he polaroids, I shouldn't have deleted the videos. I miss her so much," I said regretting everything I've done again.
"Hyung, please stop acting like this," Jaehyun said worriedly.
"Let's just go to sleep Jaehyun," I said and he nods.
"Okay, let's go to sleep," Jaehyun said and tucked me into bed.
"Thank you for taking care of me Jaehyun," I said to him.
"Don't mention it," Jaehyun said and went to his bed.
I need you girl. You're so beautiful...
"You're beautiful," I said to Sihyun as we walked together on the seaside.
"And you're handsome," Sihyun said with a blush.
"That's good, right? We'll get to make beautiful kids," I said to her and she laughed.
"Yeah, it's good," Sihyun replied and kissed my forehead.
I need you girl. You're so cold...
"You're so cold," I said to Sihyun.
"He was getting on my nerves," Sihyun replied. "He knows I'm together with you and he's still trying to hit on me. I can't believe you're not jealous.
"I am, but I know you won't love anyone else but me," I replied.
"That's good," Y/N replied and kissed me on my nose.
I need you girl...
I got out of bed quietly, left a note and walked out of my dorm.
I need you girl...
I walked up the stairs to the rooftop.
I need you girl...
I stood at the edge of the building.
I need you girl...
"Hyung!" I heard Jaehyun shouting as he opened the rooftop door and I then let my body fall off the building.
Doyoung's Note:
Dear Jaehyun,
You were right, I love Sihyun too much. I can't live without her. I need her. Therefore, I'm going to go and find her so I reunite with her. I know she'll be disappointed in me and so will you, but I hope you both respect my decision.
Please put me beside Sihyun when you find me. You're the best friend I've ever had and I couldn't ask for the better one. Help with wish the other the best in their life and please find a girl that loved you as much as Sihyun loves me.
Best Wishes,
Doyoung