I pray for all your love,
Girl our love is so unreal
I just wanna reach and touch you, squeeze you,
Somebody pinch me.
This is something like a movie
But I don't know how it ends girl
When I fell in love with my best friend
____
There are those friends.
Friends who you've lived most of your life with. Friends who are there for you all the time. Friends that know you more than you know yourself.
And there are also so many what if's and could be's that come with these friends. And after hours upon hours of research and googling and thinking (although it was mostly google, with little distractions along the way) I've summarised all these possibilities into four simple sentences.
A. You two will end up together.
B. You two will share this mutual platonic love.
C. One of you will suffer have unrequited feelings towards the other, or..
D. Something happened and you two aren't on very good terms anymore.
It's like a multiple choice test, really. Which one is it for you, Ryan? Choose the letter of your answer. Encircle it, shade it, write it on the space before the number. Whatever.
The first time I had been presented with the question, I chose B without a second thought, and it was over. Done with. That easily.
But now, as I'm looking at myself in the mirror and asking myself again, I'm sure the answer is C, now matter how much I wanted it to be A. It hurts. It really really really hurts, but I know my feelings are unrequited.
Teacher, give me an A+ and a smiley face stamp on my hand for being so honest and being in pain because of it.
My phone rings and I put it to my ear and ask, "Hello, is this a text?" It's silent on the other side and I take it and enter the password, and read the message.
It's from Sean. Who had probably just arrived home from some blind date he had.
Dude, I'm so tired.
Of course, you've been running through my mind all day, backspace backspace. Dumb move. He'd get weirded out.
Tiring date? I reply instead, and I sit back on my bed as I wait for his reply.
Yeah, haha. But it was nice.
She must be so lucky to have you liking her. I groan and delete the whole message again, and I just keep on staring at the message, not very sure how to respond to that one without feeling like a jealous someone who is in love with his best friend.
Like seriously. I'm not. WTF. Ew. No.
I quickly reply, you like her?
Pretty soon my phone vibrates in my hand again.
Yeah. I guess, haha. Why
My chest feels heavy, and there's hurt. There's no jealousy, no anger. (Why woukd I be jealous if he doesn't belong to me?) The only thing I feel is loss, and a dull ache and some sort of emptiness.
He texts again.
Wbu Ry? Do you like anyone?
*love. I love someone. Not like.
But I can't have him.
Yeah.
Who?
You. Backspace. Backspace. Backspace.
None of ur business, but name has four letters.
W8?
Lily?
Greg???
Josh?????
What no dude. And I'm pretty sure it's spelled Lilly.
And it's you, backspace. backspace,
You don't know them.
Figured as much. Who is it?
I'll tell you. Next time. Maybe.
Maybe one day. Maybe never.
Awe. Bummer. :(
Anyway bye dude.
Bye.
With a sigh I collapse on my bed, staring at my phone.
Damn it all. Why can't I just say it?
___
The next time I see Sean is when he visits my house randomly a few days later. He looks at me and says, "figured we should spend some time together. I've been neglecting you recently."
He's pale. He looks exhausted.
"Wow, you look bad," I comment, and he laughs tiredly. It's an effort, nonetheless.
"You'd feel bad if you broke a girl's heart," a solemn look plays on his face, "I kind of regret it. She was crying,"
I feel kind of bad.
I don't know why.
"Why did you?" I ask, "you seemed to like her."
"It's just," he says, "yeah, I liked her. She was really cute and sweet and nice but," he sighs, "I didn't like her like that. I'd like her better if she was my sister, or something. And I like someone else. If we had gotten into a relationship I'd feel guilty because I wouldn't be as emotionally invested, and she'll find out I never liked her romantically from the start. That'd hurt a lot more, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah," I say, quietly, "yeah. So are you.. coming in or not?"
"I'd.. right. That's what I came here for," he says, " because your house is amazing."
I laugh and we go inside the house together and sit on the couch and laze around and talk. And we have fun.
And I want it that way. I want it to stay that way.
No feelings. Nothing to hinder me. Nothing to stop me from getting too close. Just a brothers from another mother.
I hate that it's so different for me now. I hate that when I look at him I'm not supposed to be thinking about things like how cute he is, or how much I want to kiss him, or how much he makes me happy.
When I look at him, or when I'm, around him I shouldn't think about anything at all. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Sean is saying something. It's around four. I'm not really listening. I'm distracted. He's distracting me. With his damn face and his damn personality and his whole damn face.
"Ryan. Ryan!" He says. He's waving a hand on front of me. I blink out of my thoughts.
"Huh?"
"You were spacing out," Sean explains, looking all confused, "Is anything wrong?"
"Nope," I say. Nothing's wrong. It's just that my heart is beating so hard, and my ears are ringing, and there's some sort of fluttering in my stomach. And you're leaning towards me, eyes narrowed and our faces are close.
This is all totally normal.
(And I can't breathe. And I can't think.)
Come to think of it, isn't that what I said earlier? That I'm not supposed to think?
Maybe it's a bad idea after all, not thinking.
Because I sure as hell am not thinking when I lean forward and kiss him.
He stumbles back, some sort of shocked look in his face and he mumbles, "I.. I gotta go," and he stands and runs out the door.
I look at my hands.
I regret doing it.
I regret not thinking.
D. Something happened and you two aren't on very good terms anymore.
Has the answer changed again?
___
The next thing I know is that I'm running through the streets of Nevada in the scorching summer heat. I'm sweating. I'm thirsty. I have been running for who knows how long.
Where am I going?
That should be obvious, shouldn't it?
I'm running past the cars and the buildings amd the people and the stray animals, and some of the streetside vendors and the occasional homeless person. I can't stop. I'm running on a thousand liters of adrenaline, pumping and pumping me to go.
Sean's house is coming to sight, somewhere straight ahead.
I need to apologize oh my God what if he never wants to see me again?
My car I had forgotten about earlier, much more important things plaguing my mind when I had ran out the door about five minutes after him some time ago. And now I regret it. My feet hurt but I can run forever.
I arrive at the house. I knock at the door and lean against it, pantong heavily. Bad idea.
The door opens and I faceplant onto Sean's house's floor.
"Ryan?" Something in my stomach curls up at his voice. "What are you doing here?"
I quickly regain my composure and stand uo straight. We aren't very far from each other, but we aren't very close either. Ibite my lip and say, "Listen, about earlier-"
"If you're going to apologize, I don't want to hear it," he interrupts. I take a step back, honestly surprised.
"You're not.. mad?"
"Yes, I am you idiot," he snaps, "honestly, you can't just go around kissing people like that. You might get their hopes up-" his eyes widen and he puts a hand over his mouth, as if he's said something he wasn't supposed to. My eyes are wide too.
"What do you mean.."
"Nothing," he snaps, "can you please go?"
"But-"
"Ryan," his eyes are desperate. And he's begging, somehow, "please. Go."
"I love you," I don't realize I've said it before it's too late, and my eyes widen when I do, but I don't deny it, because it's the truth.
He's staring at the floor. He refuses to look up at me. My chest feels heavy all of a sudden and I realize I'm not going to get anything out of him-
"Don't say things you don't mean," he says meekly, "you'll end up hurting someone, one day."
"I do mean it," I say, "I've loved you for a long time now and.."
"But don't you like someone else-" my heart swells suddenly at his words. At what he meant.
"Four letters Sean," I smile, "S-E-A-N,"
He looks up at me in shock.
I kiss him again, and this time I think I was thinking.
And this time he kisses back in the softest way possible.
And I think I might ne the happiest person in the world just then.
I guess the final answer is A, after all.
.
.
.
.
~epilogue-ish.. 3rd person's point of view~
Being in Ryan's house was incredibly boring sometimes.
Greg was feeling out of place, because Derrick and Will and Kyle were talking about something they didn't want to share with him. So he felt like wandering the house a little. Will was keeping a close eye on him, although from afar, watching as his friend disappearred into someplace upstairs.
"God bless him," Derrick mumbled. Will and Kyle stifled their laughs.
Pretty soon enough Greg was bolting downstairs, saying gibberish. Will chuckled and looked up at the other man, asking, "what's wrong?"
"Ryan and Sean.. they're.."
"Chill," Kyle laughed, "yes, they're together."
Greg blinked, then stared at them, jaw gaping open, "but they.. and.. you knew about this?"
"Yep,"
"You could have told me!" He said.
"You didn't ask," the three said altogether. Greg gaped at them some more, before he sighed, and collapsed back down on a couch.
"So," he mumbled, after a few moments of awkward silence, "who tops?"
The other three burst into laughter.
"Why don't you ask them," Derrick said, "if you're so curious?"
"Ask us what?"
Ryan looked genuinely curious, as he stood on the staircase, Sean behind him. Greg quickly said, "nothing!"
"He wanted to ask who topped,"
"Dammit Will!"
"It's supposed to be 'Dammit Greg'," Ryan said, laughing, "but i top,"
"I do!" Sean interjected.
"Don't listen to him. He's just embarrassed,"
Sean flushed red, "Ryan!"
So I was going to write something really sad and bittersweet but then I'm such a softie for happy ending so I said, "screw it. This is gonna have a happy ending,"
The title and description were taken from Bromance and the lyrics in the beginning are from 'Best Friend' by Jason Chen.
Anyways, hope you liked it. ^_^
*less than three*