4 – Holding on to that smile
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'I hope you look back at what we had and you regret every single thing that you did to let it end.' - Sahil Verma
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"Are you going to be okay?"
Seeing Stephen's frantic look, I tried to smile. His hand firmly grasped the steering wheel as his deep blue eyes stared at me.
I stayed at his house (as we talked about) for six whole hours, just wanting to waste time and give myself some space to breathe. I needed the distraction.
"Of course." I said lightly as I opened the car door. "Thanks Stephen."
"Anytime Ands." He replied. "My house is your house too."
"I know."
He smiled. "See you tomorrow?"
"Okay. Take care on your way back."
As I closed the car door, I turned my back to face him.
"I'll leave once you go inside."
I rolled my eyes. "Thanks but its midnight already. Go. I'm in the safe perimeter of my house Stephen."
"Andi..."
"Really Stephen. I'm the one who's going to see you off."
He huffed a defeated sigh. "Fine."
I almost smirked. "Bye."
I watched until his Audi turned to a curb and disappeared around a corner. With a sigh of my own, I faced our black steel gates.
Hesitating whether to go inside the house or sit here till the sun rises in the morning, I peeked on my watch and saw it was past midnight. They must be sleeping now. He must be sleeping now.
I didn't want our paths to cross.
Just for today.
Just a tiny moment of silence where I couldn't see him... feel him. Give him his spare hours of finally not having my clinging presence surround him, suffocate him... to disassociate from the burden of this marriage.
Home. They say home is where you would feel the safest, warmest and most liberating place in this suffering world. It is where you would want to place your heart in. A blanket in a cold, blistering storm.
Staring at the concrete house, I can't help but to marvel at the extravagancy and intricate designs it screamed. A gift from Justin and I's parents. This big, double floored, black and white themed building. And to think there are only few people living in here who can't even look at each other for a long time without being in the presence of acting.
I shook my head, trying to wilt away all the negativity before I took the courage to open the gate and journeyed my way inside.
'What's the point in all of this Andi?'
Stephen's question kept ringing into my mind ever since we talked at his house about the situation for the thousandth times.
'I love him.'
(It was too simple and yet, it was never easy.)
The only thing that keeps me from letting go. The above all reason why I'm still trying to hold on.
I remember having this huge crush on him, to liking him too much and then waking up the next day knowing how much it hurt when I saw him crying because of his pet hamster dying. I hated his tears. I hated seeing him hurt.
'He's in love with someone Andi and that someone isn't you.'
Scarlet had told me bluntly once upon a time. I hated her tales of truth. She's merciless when she needs to be. But I do understand her and I love her for it.
Maybe I was selfish. Well, I am selfish. To all the reasons I have. To all the things I took control. I'm not trying to justify my actions but... maybe Stephen is right. It clouds better judgments, blinding you between the difference of what is right and what is wrong.
Turning the key in the knob, I opened it quietly, hoping that I wouldn't disturb anyone in this ungodly hour. With a gentle push of the door — causing it to creak for a moment as it echoed into the whole living space — I flinched.
When no one seemed to notice my late entrance, I let out a sigh of relief. I rested my head on the door for a moment, closing my eyes in the process. I suddenly have this heavy feeling in my stomach as I felt the walls of the house I was in.
I wanted to get out of here.
'For how long are you planning to hold on?'
That question was what disturbed me starting the hour that rotten thief asked me from yesterday's morning class.
How am I suppose to answer that?
I didn't know what to reply and that scared me; that was the first time someone asked that question. Neither Scarlet nor Stephen (maybe blunt at times but) didn't have the courage to question me since they knew how determined I was.
But that was until then.
"How long..." I whispered to myself, thinking how Justin looks like when he's with Selena, how he's always by her side, how he seems so happy, how he ditches our dinners just to be with her. I may have stalked them. Once. Twice. A lot of times. "I...don't know." I breathed. Betrayal was trying to resurface.
But do I even have the right to feel betrayed?
I wanted to laugh at myself. When did it all start? The pity. The contentment of having nothing. The acceptance of being unworthy. How did it end up like this?
But alas, that's right.
I knew exactly why it ended up like this.
"Do you have any idea what time is it?"
A gasp escaped my lips; my eyes opened widely as soon as I heard a raspy voice.
W-what?
My heart stammered furiously out of shock. I turn around to see Justin's silhouette standing behind the loveseat of our living room. His physique hiding behind the shadows but something in him, at this moment, felt alarming.
"I..." I started but stopped, didn't know exactly what to say. "Y-you're still awake?" I tried to sound casual, even though my mind couldn't even fathom the right perspective as of the moment.
The first time I thought I did him a favor and we're out here about to have another round of banter. How ungrateful.
"Do you know what time is it? Do you have any idea that it is a school night and you're out there... at this hour!" His voice seething with fury that I suddenly felt attacked.
Can't this wait till the sun rises up this morning? It's only a few hours away.
"I'm tired. I want to go to bed." I stated, brushing him away as I started to head off the stairs. But as soon as I was about to take the first step, I felt a strong grasp on my elbow —pulling me back, not giving me the chance to escape.
"Andrea." He warned, his hold never loosening from my arm. His cold fingers felt like ice on my bare skin that gave me goosebumps.
Wh... what? Was he... waiting?
"What are you Justin? My father?" I couldn't help but to match his anger. Blame that it was nighttime and I'm tired. I easily get irritated whenever I'm exhausted.
He took a step towards me that I finally caught a glimpse of the anger echoing through his irises. "No but he fucking asked where were you."
So that's it. That's why you're so annoyed right now.
"You should've used your phone to contact me." He continued. "That's what it's for. I sure damn know you know how to use it. You have it all the time!"
"Then you should've talked to Pattie and told her why you couldn't make it to dinner." I tried to yank my arm away but he didn't budge.
"Where were you?" He reiterated, his voice full of authority, telling me to tell the story in full details.
"Let me go!" I demanded. "You're hurting me Justin." As soon as I said that, he immediately let go of my arm. I let out a sigh of irritation and muster an evil glare before I started my journey up the stairs.
"If you and that bastard are having an affair, at least have the decency to text me that you're going home late!" He sounded so bitter I closed my eyes, in hopes of calming myself down.
How dare him! What? He wanted me to be the first one to text him that Stephen and I are having an affair?!
I faced him with both of my hands forming into fists.
"Fine." I said, staring directly into his own hard gaze. "Don't worry, you'll be the first one to know. Maybe you could return the favor of telling our parents why I can't go to our dinner next time." I paused. "Now that we've established the grounds of this argument, can I go to my room and sleep Mr. Bieber? I'm tired."
I then briskly went upstairs, not sparing him the time to stop me because a tear just dropped.
How tiring this day was?
As soon as I was inside my room, I breathe in and out, trying to set my emotions right. I didn't want to cry. It's too stupid to cry at such foul things.
Throughout the years, I never cried. Just a few teardrops but I never broke down. I feel like if I do, I'm too fragile, too weak, too powerless. So I always try my hardest to not shed tears.
Fake it until you make it.
Biting my underlip, I exhaled deeply. I made my way towards my bed and slumped down. I just have to sleep everything in and tomorrow morning, everything's gonna be okay.
Glancing at the frame that consists of Justin and mine's wedding picture, I couldn't help but to puff a sigh as I saw myself smiling widely towards my heart content.
What a stupid, naive girl.
It was a blissful event for me, sort of a fairytale that finally happened. I was all smiles — happy, laughing joyously — while Justin on the other hand, was the opposite. He would only smile when there was a need to. It was probably a nightmare turned reality.
That bastard.
I love him. I love Justin. And I know how it frustrates certain people that cares about me. But it's not something I can help... nor explain. It is what it is. The eyes may see the lies, the ears may hear the painful truths but the heart will feel what it wants to feel. And the only way to understand is for them to fill inside my shoes. And the only way out is when my heart will grow tired and weary and numb.
Because it is still filled with hope, it could still endure pain, it could bear unplanned life surprises. It is still beating. It could still love.
Back then, I thought smiles were created for happy moments. So when I was a child, I tried my hardest to smile as often as I could, especially to those people I loved.
However, as I grew older and life introduced me to its inevitable situations, I eventually learned, that some smiles are created to become a mask. And I don't know which one hurts the most, a smile that covers up the pain or a smile that's meaningless and cunning.
I knew how deeply Justin didn't want the wedding to happen. Of course he didn't. I mean, how could he?
And I understood that part. I try to, for the past years. That's why I keep my patience with his anger and hatred. Afterall, it was all my fault.
The wedding... this marriage...
He couldn't do anything about it. Even if he wanted to. It was the only way for him to have his dream and that is what he is right now, a guy who is passionate about music... a guy who dreamed to be heard through his works.
He was bound to be the heir of their company (since he was an only child) but marrying me means him getting his dream and that's what he did.
It's really my fault in the first place for I was the one --- the girl who's spoilt by his dad, the girl who could have anything she wanted in this world but one --- demanded and persuaded both parties to let me marry him.
Justin knew I could persuade his parents about him getting into music, we were friends once upon a time because we share the same passion for arts. But I was selfish enough; I wanted him all to myself. I didn't want to waste the opportunity.
Feelings change. Time passes. People forget.
So just like a bird who once can fly freely, I caged him in. He knew and so that where it started, how Justin Bieber hates his wife in papers.
A very selfish wish, indeed.
I'm sorry Justin. I'm really really sorry. Hope one day, you'll have it in you to forgive me.
Sighing heavily, I touched his picture and tried to put that frown into a smile even though I knew it's impossible.
Why would you wait for me you idiot? It's cold. And its way past midnight.
My heart, as soft as it is for Justin, is stammering in hopes of a someday-sometime again.
"Just a little bit longer please." I whispered, connecting to the heavens above. "Just until I'll see that smile."
And then we'll get that freedom, in ways, we both wanted.
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End notes: Ok I'll post again on Sunday. My eyes are drooping now. Sleepy is me.
Find me: @julie13wp