I took a deep breath and sat down on one of the benches, while Steve kneeled down in front of me. I focused on the dark blue of his uniform, and gingerly touched the small seems running over his legs, hoping I wasn't about to mess up one of the best things that's ever happened to me.
"(Y/n)?" Steve demanded again, growing more impatient, as I berated myself for even mentioning this shit to anyone.
'Now or never, (y/n), let's get this shit over with,' I thought, as his warm hands made my skin burn with need.
"Look, I love you, more than I thought possible, and it's still hard for me to admit that you hold all of me in your hands, and I'm glad we have these different quirks that make us so different, yet so similar at the same time, but when I met you, and discovered that the whole 1940's gentleman persona wasn't just an act, I kinda freaked out a bit, you know? It was so different from what I was used too, but once I realized I was head over heels in love with you, which didn't take long, I buried something, a small inkling.. in fear you wouldn't approve, or be grossed out," I whispered, watching his eyes and face for any emotion, good or bad, but he just looked worried and curious, "that part of me's been itching to come out..ugh, okay I'm doing this wrong, I'm making myself sound like some schizophrenic bitch," I snapped, and stood up, only to begin pacing, a few feet away.
"Hey, hang on, finish what you were going to say," Steve pleaded, grabbing my hands and stopping me in front of him.
"Fine, then this is me telling you I want rough sex Steve, I've been craving rough sex, craving to do things you don't usually want to do, just because you don't want to do them. I like giving you blowjobs, I want to try crazy positions, I want you to be more demanding and domineering at certain times, and I don't want to feel like a fucking pervert when I decide to yell out cuss words or talk dirty, while we're in bed together," I spilled out quickly, while his eyebrows shot up, and he opened and closed his mouth, "and it's not that I don't love what we're already doing, I actually love being part of something that makes me feel beautiful and delicate, I really do, but there's a need for the other kind too, a need for you to take control and take things farther than we ever have, and it's become so overwhelming. I'm just scared that you wouldn't approve of something like that, since we've never really..we don't always have to be..so..so vanilla," I whispered, dropping my gaze, but feeling the weight lift off of my shoulders.
I was terrified how he'd react, but at least we were discussing it now and it was no longer a secret, but I was still embarrassed, and didn't want to make Steve feel like he was a shitty husband. That's quite the opposite of the type of husband he was, and while we both considered our relationship still new, and growing, that should also include our sex life, shouldn't it?
The silence stretched out between us, and the fear souring my stomach from earlier had begun to force bile up my throat. The instinct of fight or flight started to become more pronounced as seconds turned into minutes, and I couldn't keep my eyes from welling up with tears.
"Vanilla?" Steve remarked, but his anger rippled through his voice, "so..in reality, technically, you aren't happy, and haven't been for a while, okay, I really don't know what to say here," he admitted quietly, running his fingers nervously through his hair, as his sharp jaw clenched, and I stepped back, "I sure as hell didn't expect it to be that.."
"Yah, that's what I figured you'd say, I should of just kept my fucken mouth shut, I'm sorry, and I didn't say I wasn't happy, so don't go there.." I stammered, and backed even farther away from his tense posture and clenched fists, "I'm going home, I'll just see you tomorrow alright?" I relinquished, grabbing my bag and heading towards the door.
When I arrived at his bike, and realized he hadn't followed me, my scarred up heart broke a little. Anger, stupidity, and sadness had tears pouring from my eyes as I looked up at the darkening sky.
Now I know why people keep secrets, even from the ones they loved most. There's just some thing's they wouldn't understand, or know how to deal with, but in all honesty, I didn't think it would of ended up like this, with him angry, in the facility, letting me leave.
A small sob escaped over my trembling lips, but I angrily wiped my eyes and slipped on my helmet, heading home alone, wondering whether I should stay or pack a bag and head to my little home away from home. My cabin upstate, which once belonged to my birth parents, in order to calm down, and hopefully garner some reflection.
Nat and Tony said this wasn't that big a deal, but they were so wrong, I was so wrong, and regretted every single word I said.
I looked over my shoulder one more time as I pulled out of the facility, but I knew Steve wouldn't be behind me, not after what I just said. So I drove, and just hoped this...this didn't ruin what we had.
She didn't know he was watching her through the second story window of the facility, his heart breaking a little as he watched her shoulders tremble while she cried. He wanted to go to her and tell her it would be alright, that he would figure something out, but where could he possibly start?
'Vanilla'? He repeated to himself, and wiped his face, disgruntled at how angry the word made him, and the fact that his beautiful wife saw his quick rage.
When she finally told him what was really wrong, he never imagined that that particular issue would come out of his wife's mouth. Even after Bucky lightly mentioned what Nat told him earlier. It still took him by surprise, and he'd reacted rather badly, but how else was he supposed to react to the things she said?
It sure as hell didn't help his ego, but then again he dedicated himself to making her happy, and to realize she wasn't, and it revolved around sex, well threw him for a loop.
He could handle arguing about their work schedule, what to have for dinner, or fighting for the blankets, which usually ended up with them cuddled up together, but sex, and the way she said vanilla, almost like some derogatory, or bad word, pissed him off.
He enjoyed everything they did, and nearly worshiped her, and her body for the beautiful things they were, but that wasn't enough.
She never alluded to her unhappiness, or need for something else, since she was just as passionate as he was, but apparently, it wasn't enough.
He wasn't enough.
What exactly was she asking for when she said rough sex?
What the hell did that even mean?
Vanilla?
"So, did you fuck up like I told you you would?" Bucky asked, coming to the window in time to see (y/n) take off quickly on Steve's bike, "I'll take that as a yes, I told you so you wouldn't be surprised, you ass."
"Well it didn't help, I don't even know what to do here," Steve exasperated, and nearly punched the wall, "I never thought that THAT would be a problem once I got married, and what does the word vanilla have to do with anything?"
"It's called sex Steve, and ouch, she really said vanilla?" Buck asked, as his mouth spread open in some kind of halfassed sneer.
"That look never bodes well," Steve snapped, losing his patience, and embarrassed to be having this conversation, "she said we don't always have to be so vanilla, what the hell does that mean?"
"Hey calm down punk, but uh, oh man, I'm gonna get punched, but if she said it like that, sometimes, it kinda..," Buck stammered, and took a step back as he smirked.
"I'm losing the small amount of patience I have," Steve decreed, and crossed his arms over his uniform.
"Okay okay, damn, but it kinda means boring, or doing the same thing over and over, your wife's a fucken savage," Buck scoffed, and lightly patted his shoulder, "you know vanilla, it's everyone's go too, but sometimes, you gotta mix it up a bit. Uh, I can't remember, but we've never had the sex talk before, have we?" He mused, but cleared his throat as Steve tossed up his hands.
"Great, that's just great, I finally find the woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with, and drives me crazy, only to hear, after four years, that I'm vanilla, awesome," Steve muttered, unable to stop the heat from climbing up his neck, but it wasn't just because he was embarrassed, but utterly enraged that she kept something like this from him, especially if it was something she wanted from the beginning.
"Oh relax, it's not that bad, and I bet if you would of asked (y/n), point blank, what she wanted, instead of letting her walk away, she would of told you..savage remember," Buck surmised, and shrugged his shoulders, "you know when Red told me what was going on, I almost died laughing," he snickered, leaning against the window and watching his friend turn red with anger, "I think my exact words were, 'it scares the shit out of me that there are two of you'."
"I'm glad you and Nat have something else to do in your spare time besides sleep together behind Bruce's back, lying to everyone about what's really going on," Steve growled, crossing his arms, knowing it was his anger speaking, but he didn't care, "if you're not careful your little secrets gonna end up breaking all of us a part."
"Hey, I know you're angry, and probably a little embarrassed, because let's face it, it's you, so I'll forgive you for that quip, but next time I'll put your ass in the ground, and (y/n) won't be able to save you this time," Buck snapped, and met his gaze head on, "look, this isn't about me and Nat, but about the fact that your loving, albeit slightly insane, wife just told you she wanted to do some crazy shit in bed, and I know you're a lying piece of shit if you say you aren't the least bit intrigued."
"Oh I am, but unlike you, and everyone else in this goddmaned facility, I have almost zero experience with what she's really asking for here, and the small experience I did receive was from that porno Tony thought would be hilarious to put on, as the stripper you guy's ordered for the bachelor party, tried grinding on top of me," Steve groaned, looking back out the window, "what the hell does rough..no, I know what it means, but..?"
He was already feeling the yearn he usually experienced when he was away from (y/n) for any period of time. He would never deny how much he wanted her, needed her, like breathing, but the bomb she just dropped in his lap, urged his feet to stick to the floor instead of going after her.
They'd only spent an hour or so together in the last forty-eight hours, before she took off towards the their home, and his body noticed, almost immediately, but it was more than that. He needed to comfort her, figure this out so he could fix this, instead of stewing here over the goddamned word vanilla, and what it meant.
"Well then you're lucky you have friends who have no problem talking about certain things, ain't that right Red?" Bucky snorted, as Nat dropped down from the ledge overhead.
"Great, and I'm not discussing anything, I'll just figure this out on my own," Steve said, rolling his eyes, "besides, I don't want to hear about you two, and the things you've been doing behind closed doors," he finished petulantly, ready to go home, and just have his wife spell everything out for him.
"This has nothing to do with that," Nat muttered, "this has to do with the ins and outs of 21st century sex. Think of it as a new age birds and bees talk, provided to you by your best friends, or at least Bucky."
"I said no," Steve snapped, taking a step back from both of them, "I'm already embarrassed, and ready to go back into the ice, just so I don't have to have this discussion.."
"Look it's just a sentence or two, you pervert," Nat giggled, turning away and walking towards the garage.
"How's a sentence gonna help me here?" Steve quipped, and put his hands on his hips impatiently.
"Are you ready for it big guy?" Bucky snickered, giving Steve a blatant stare.
Steve snorted, "uh I guess."
He didn't really understand how a few sentences could give him the information he needed in order to satisfy the beautiful wife he had at home. He was so angry that she wasn't satisfied, oh, she didn't say that exactly, but apparently she needed something more than what he was providing her. He was vanilla, and she wanted something different. He should of known though, just by how domineering she was on the outside. She was strong, maybe a little crazy, and definitely one of the most lethal women he knew. She commanded attention everywhere she went, and had the experience behind her that gave her an edge, but she was also very vulnerable, loving, and cared for every single person she knew. She was a mix of emotions, and facets, and he'd prided himself that she opened herself to all of them with him, except this one. He could understand the embarrassment, sure, or reluctance to talk about it, but they'd been together for over four years, almost five, and to be made privy to the fact she hid her needs, because she thought he wouldn't be open to doing them, made him even angrier.
They promised to be open, and communicate, not only because they loved each other, but because she needed it, she needed that extra comfort, and he did it. Yet, here he was standing in front of Buck wondering what the hell just happened, and how he could fix it.
His blush still hadn't gone away, and his frustration was making him more uneasy, the longer he stood there.
"Alright here it is...." Bucky whispered, raising his hands slightly, letting the silence stretch between them.
Steve crossed his arms across his chest again, "I don't have time for this Buck, and I'm this close to decking you."
"Just follow your instincts, and don't let your overly soldier like morality, or your gentlemen exterior, keep you from doing the things that your body wants to do," Bucky said, letting out his held breath, "you'd be surprised what you can do, when you throw inhibitions to the wind, plus your wife's one of the hottest women I've ever seen, and that's saying alot. It probably wouldn't take you long to give her exactly what she wants.."
Steve's mouth dropped open, while he gawked at his best friend, as if he'd grown a horn in the middle of his head. "That's it, that's your advice? Tossed out inhibitions equals less vanilla," Steve scoffed harshly, walking towards the garage, "and I don't need you to remind me how hot my wife is.."
"Well it's true, but I don't think you've ever separated the soldier from the horny man child, who I know lerks around in there," Bucky insisted, and quickly following Steve to the red pickup that was covered by a tarp, "hey, if you already know (y/n)'s the one, then what's to be embarrassed about? If you can talk to each other, which she tried doing, then this should be an easy problem to fix..just ask her to spell it out for you, maybe draw you some pictures, which is Excellent foreplay," Buck snorted, and put a hand on his back, "think about what I just said Stevie, and I'll guarantee it'll be all the advice you need, that and I'm sure that crazy brunette will tell you exactly what she wants once you get off your high horse."
Buck heard Steve snort in disbelief as he got into the truck and sped off towards home.
"You think he'll listen?" Nat asked, moving into the light from the shadows, "I'm a little confused as to why he was shocked..."
"You and me both, and I really don't know, luckily the drive's gonna be a little longer because of traffic, hopefully it gives him the time he needs to let it roll over in his mind, but the fact she called him vanilla, I almost died, and Steve was pissed," James related, and looked into her blue eyes, "I don't think I've seen him that angry before.."
"Well she has a point," Tasha sighed, sadly, as tears shimmered in her eyes, "he's right you know, about all of it, you and me."
"Natalia," Bucky used her real name, as he reached for her, "maybe we should tell him, tell everybody about Russia and us."
"I love him too James," She insisted, letting Bucky rub a thumb across his cheek, but she said it more for herself than James, "at least I think...no, but I..."
"Red, don't punch me, but if you really loved him, you wouldn't be here, with me, and he'd definitely be here with you, if he felt the same," James replied honestly, "honey, I'm just happy I get to see you alive and smiling everyday. I really don't care you think you're in love with two different men, I really don't care that you have to go back to him on the weekends, even though you haven't seen him in almost a month. I'm just happy you're alive and here with me," he whispered, watching a few tears spill over her cheeks, "but we can't keep this up forever кукла (doll)."
"I know, I know," she replied with a sigh, "I know, maybe you're right, cause I'm happy with you.."
She pulled him into the shadows and they dissappeared together, followed by harsh whispers and low moans.