52.
●•Kirsten•●
Before I could finally leave, I had to go for my shoes and jacket, and of course – obviously – Harry would take advantage of the time it’d take for me to finally get everything. He couldn’t let me go just yet. And to be honest, I didn’t want to.
Last night I had such a great time I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to stay with him for as long as possible. Too bad I had a boyfriend to take care of. He was probably at the gym right now, doing his job while his stupid girlfriend, the one he trusted with his own life, was cheating on him – and enjoying it a lot more than she should, if I may add –, but still, I had to go home.
I couldn’t know whether he was going to be back for lunch or not, but I couldn’t risk it. Besides, later I did want to see Angel. I’d probably stop by at Lana’s by the end of the day so that I could see the little girl again. It’s been something like a week since we’ve last been together, and I miss her. Though I’m still not sure I can face that little ball of energy and smartness all over me. She’s certainly excited about the idea of me and Harry together, but I don’t want to tell her anything. I don’t want to let her know that I do feel something beyond just “liking” him. I can’t tell her about what we’ve done together recently, but I know I can’t hide it from her completely either. Even if she does not know the details, she’ll notice something’s different about me.
That girl can’t be normal. She’s not human.
But after all, why am I so scared of what she may see? There is nothing going on between me and Harry, is it? Ok, well, the answer may not be the one it was a while ago – there certainly is something between us, maybe – but it’s not like I’m with him. Whatever this is, it’s not a relationship. And I can’t give Angel that hope to crash it later by not making it real. I just can’t do that to her; can’t do that to myself.
So, after good fifteen minutes – or, possibly, half an hour – of unsuccessfully trying to escape curly and mandatorily (sort of) having to give into his kisses, I got to leave his flat. It was a bit of heartbreaking watching him close the door with such a pouty and longing face, but it was not enough to make me stay, as I suppose was the plan. I still can avoid his charm; I’m still that strong.
Slowly, I walked back home, opting for not taking a cab, since I was still a bit tipsy and too out of myself, therefore I certainly needed a while to be alone and allow myself to think about which ways my life was taking. If you ask me, no, I’d never think about myself walking out another boy’s flat after really enjoying spending a night out with him. No, I’ve never imagined myself hiding things from Tyler because it feels good to me; not the lying part, just the thing I’m hiding from him. And no, I’ve certainly not imagined admitting to myself, even less to other people that I could fall for someone other than Tyler. And maybe I haven’t admitted to the world yet, but yes, I am falling (have fallen?) for Styles, totally against my will, and he knows it.
Because I sort of told him that I really like him, and he sort of knows what I meant by that. And I sort of didn’t deny his theories, because I sort of wanted him to know, for some unknown reason, the way I’m feeling towards him. And it’s actually becoming something impossible to stop thinking of. It’s actually pathetic how I had to wait for him to properly ask me out to realize that I do feel something, yes, and it’s just pointless hiding it. It’s not like it’s going to take me anywhere doing so, anyways. Plus, I left it clear I won’t leave Tyler. Even if it’s all I want to do sometimes, to let him go and deal with his own pain because I do have my own life and feelings as well, I can’t. I just simply can’t.
Whenever I feel like giving up on him and all the sh–t he throws on me here and there, I remember there’s just no way I can leave him. I made my decision long ago and since then I’ve been through too much, did too much, helped him too much to just pack my things and go away. And this is something no one, literally no one will ever understand. Not even Lana, who’s such a wise woman; nor her daughter, who’s beyond a genius to her age, but too young to even try to understand what my life’s like. My brother? Pfft, he’s the one who knows the less. Even if he tried his best to be part of my life – which he doesn’t, just for the records – he wouldn’t be able to comprehend half of what it’s like being on my shoes.
Tyler doesn’t understand what it’s like being me either, but he knows a lot about what it’s like being him, and I do believe it’s bad enough, too. I wouldn’t like to wake up every single day and look at the person I’m with at the moment, knowing it isn’t the one I’ve loved with all my heart, knowing it’s just someone I’ve found to disguise the feeling of the loss a bit. Because that’s what I am: replacement. And I know I’m not a wee bit like her, but I’m someone Tyler has learnt to trust and love in his own way. The bad thing is that he’s just too damaged to give himself completely all over again.
And here’s the thing: I’m starting to crave it. I’m starting to crave this unconditional love and giving part of him that I never got to know. The part I’ve only got to actually see with someone else, this someone else being Harry. And it’s actually ridiculous how it took me so long to realize that he’s willing to offer me all of what I’ve been deprived of. He is making his best to show me he actually cares about me, even if he knows I’m not going to give up on my past because of him. He’s willing to be with me, step into this uncertain thing I will most certainly not call a relationship and respect my choices even if he does not have a clue of why I’m so sure about not giving up on my boyfriend. He’s willing to stay with me without calling me his for as long as he has to, and this is insane.
It is obviously insane. I must be out of my mind. Of course this is going to end up badly. No one lives of contentment for too long. Sooner or later – and it may even last longer than I expect – he’ll get sick of it. It’s a matter of fact. He is clearly happy now, he’s okay with going out with a girl who’s taken, but people grow, people fall into routines and every routine gets tiresome with time. He’ll get mad at me, he’ll start realizing changing me is not an option, I’ll break his heart and he’ll give up. Then, probably, he’ll hate me for the rest of his life, and I will be left alone to mourn the loss, to miss the nice moments I had with him and then, eventually, get it all over to face my life with Tyler again.
I just know this is how it’ll be. I know I won’t have Harry for the rest of my life.
And God, how I wish I could leave him now, not give any time for life to follow its path and knock us both down, but I just can’t! I’m the kid who’s just met the taste of the chocolate and I won’t stop appreciating this taste until the bar is over. Of course I can’t stop now. It’s compulsive. I miss him when he’s not around, and I clearly act like an idiot when I’m near him. He’s the kind of person that gets the most fragile part of me out, the kind of person that makes it easier for me to express myself even when I have no intent to.
Even before I admitted it to myself, I opened up to him in a way I hadn’t opened up to anyone but Tyler before. Of course, there are those things I’ve learnt to bury so deep inside that it’s like a habit now. It won’t come out this easily because it’s natural for me to snap at anyone who tries to find out anything that happened to me years ago. But still, when Harry gets to my nerves, he gets to know a small part of the real me. That’s both relieving and dangerous at the same time. Because the same way I feel lighter when I let someone else know what I’ve been through, it’s also exposing myself and giving them the opportunity to realize what a huge walking ball of crap I am.
All I know is: Styles is my chocolate. He’s sweet, he’s addicting, he’s the unhealthy thing I may need the most by now, the urge to feel the sweet taste. Meanwhile, Tyler is my pepper. Bitter, fiery, what gets me burning inside, but also aching with the need to refresh and just stop chewing; if that even makes sense?
And the bad thing is: I’ve been used to the peppers during all my life. And sooner or later, I’ll run out of chocolate.
“Kirs!” Angel yelled as soon as she looked out the window, running to open the door without even looking for her shoes, and doing the course on her socks only. Oh, Lana was so going to kill her because of that.
“Hey there,” I slightly smiled, bending down to hug her once she was outside with me. Still between my arms, she shuddered, burying her face on my sweater and trying to get some warmth. Well, the wind was quite hard and cold as hell, so I should probably push her inside before she got sick. “Missed me?” I asked, closing the door behind us and watching as Lana came out of the bathroom.
“Duh. Obviously. A. Whole. Week. Kirsten! Where have you been? You didn’t even call me to say hi. Thought you’d forgotten about me,” she pouted, crossing her tiny arms over her chest, and I quickly glanced at Lana, who was leaning against the wall and watching the scene with an amused smile on her face.
Angel and I were still close to the door, and I couldn’t help but widely smile at her.
“Of course not, my sweet pie,” just teasing, she hated being called like that. It wasn’t without a reason, though. It sounded pathetic. “I’ve just been a lot busy, you know? But I’m here now, ain’t I?” she nodded, looking at me suspiciously as if trying to decipher the evil plan behind my words. “And I’m even willing to spend the rest of the night listening to your beloved Phil Collins so that I can apologize to you for not showing up during a whole week.”
And that was enough to bring the brightest of the smiles to her sweet little face, all lightened up with happiness and excitement.
“I’ll make you sing, Kirsten. Every. Single. Word,” she threatened with pride in her voice, knowing I would give in if she even attempted to make me feel guilty about not coming to see her in a long period of time. Or, well, at least it was long enough for us.
I sighed, already agreeing as she turned on her heels and walked inside her room.
“Put your shoes on, lady!” Lana yelled, approaching me while so. “So, hello, misses. Are you okay? Haven’t even called us. I found it weird,” she commented, stopping next to me and carefully watching Angel going through her LP’s to find the one we’d be listening first. “And Tyler…?” she trailed off, arching an eyebrow and totally focusing on me now.
“I’m fine, he’s fine, it’s all okay,” I said straight away, not wanting her to think I didn’t come because he’d beaten me up again. “He’s busy with boxing now. Training for the championship, you know? He’s really determined to get to the finals and go to the US,” I added, smiling a bit. Just talking about it made Tyler’s eyes sparkle an unnoticeable bit. He was really excited about the whole thing and it got me a bit excited as well.
“So… You’re spending most part of your time all by yourself?”
I gulped, still holding the smile on my face as I shrugged.
“He’s just started working hard on it. Yesterday was actually the first day I spent completely alone, but, yeah, basically. I’ve been too stressed, you know? Guess I needed some time to sit down and relax, just do nothing for a while. It’s easier to accomplish that when Tyler’s not home.”
Lana nodded, clearly and truly agreeing with me, but still hiding something behind those eyes. What was she thinking about?
“You know, Harry came here a few days ago,” at the mention of his name I tried my best not to react in any way. What had he actually talked to her? “Briefly, before uni and stuff, and he brought Angel a Phil Collins poster. Don’t ask me where he got that, but I’m almost sure he ordered it.”
Frowning, I nodded. Why had she mentioned that? And why would he even order a Phil Collins poster to a 10-year-old girl? It’s creepy, actually, just the thought of a huge Phil Collins pinned to her wall. I was even afraid of going inside that room now.
“He seemed a lot happy,” she kept going and- Yeah. There we go.
“Really? Good for him, I guess?” I tried to sound as bitchy and nonchalant as possible, but I couldn’t help picturing him with that stupid smile of his, showing off his dimples while acting as if the sun was shining out of his ass, lightening every single step of his way.
“Yeah, really. Don’t you know anything about it?” her tone was certainly mischievous, as if she knew something she wanted me to admit, but to be honest, I had no idea what could’ve made him so happy. She said he’d been there a few days ago. And I’d just called him yesterday. He couldn’t really predict I was going to say yes to his offer, could he?
But maybe he’d come the day after we talked outside the club. Maybe he was with his hopes so up that he went around smiling and throwing flower petals everywhere. And yeah, maybe that was it. That’s the only reason he could’ve been so happy. After all, he’d finally gotten my number. He’s a lucky lad; many tried and none got it.
But, well. None of the others had cared about me the way Styles had.
No one has ever cared about me the way Styles does.
“Umm, no?” I finally answered Lana’s question, trying to look confused so that I wouldn’t show how much I’m actually into that damn bastard. Damn. Charming. Bastard.
Lana nodded again, a smile playing on her lips, and I knew she didn’t buy a single word I’d said. It’s not my fault, though. Even if I still hated Styles – or better saying, if I still pretended to hate Styles – she’d keep that grin on her face. Because he certainly did not try to hide he was into me, and knowing that was enough for both Lana and her daughter to assume we were secretly dating or whatever.
And I didn’t even try to convince her. I’d only end up saying sh–t and I didn’t want that. Not yet. It’s still too new for me. I don’t want to share what I know about how the chocolate tastes. And f–ck, I should stop using this metaphor. It sounds awful.
While Lana walked over to the kitchen, Angel called me, and I slowly made my way to her room, feeling my phone vibrating in my pocket. Silently, I leaned on her doorframe, watching as she showed me the LP she’d chosen before looking at my screen and ignoring the melody of the first song starting to be played.
I had to bit on my lower lip not to smile.
“Boring night without cuddling ):
- H. xx ;)”
●•Author's Note•●
dedication goes to: @niallslaaugh Thank you so so much love! I'm so glad you like how I try to detail everything. Just makes me happy to see you're into this.
note: A day. That's all you need to reach 600+ votes and 100+ comments I CANNOT PUT IN WORDS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU, OKAY? Okay, so now let's talk about the chapter. First off, no, I did not write about when Harry went to Lana's because I'm gonna mention it at MTJA. Which I'll be updating 'till Friday, promise. He showed up there after the talk with Kirs outside the club, yes, but before she could call him. There were a few days I did not write about, because, well, it'd be boring to write exactly what their routine are. Anyways. Another chapter with Kirs' thoughts. I know you still don't agree with her, but you at least understand how her mind works. Hope you enjoyed this, even if it didn't have as much Karry as the latest chapters. And I still hope you vote and comment, because means a lot.
next update: Friday (September 13th)
600 votes again for early update. You did it in 24 hours, I'm sure you can do it again if you try. Each time closer to THE KARRY TALK. Yeah, the one with secrets and stuff. I'm so excited :)
Love you all, Dani xx