I felt a bizarre mix of emotions while I hobbled my way back to my bedroom after the little gathering. Nothing all that spectacular happened; my aunt, uncles, and cousins were all there, as well as Jaxon and Kieran. We had a delicious early dinner or late lunch or whatever it was called, and we did a lot of goofing around and talking.
There was an air of sadness floating around behind all of the laughs and smiles, but for the most part I just shook them away. I knew I was going to miss these people. I also didn’t know if I’d even get to see any of them again.
It kind of hurt to think about that, though. All these people I considered my closest family had done a hell of a lot for me over the past couple of months. It made me upset to know that I would be leaving them in about twelve hours or so. And I already knew Patrick was the one I was going to have the most difficulties leaving. I was utterly attached to him now, and I liked to think that he felt the same.
I found myself crawling onto my bed, pulling out my laptop, and pressing call on Skype before I even fully realized what I was doing. I was just struck with a pang of sadness and loneliness.
So when my baby brother actually answered the call about two minutes after it started to ring, my eyes widened instantly. I think that was the moment I actually knew what I was doing. And my cheeks flushed a bright crimson as Bradley’s eyes softened pitifully when they landed on me.
“Caise...hey,” he said, smiling brightly. I opened my mouth to speak but what came out was barely shy of being embarrassing and unintelligent. So Bradley talked over me. “How are you doing? I heard about everything that happened. I should have called you before. I just wanted to give you some space. Are you okay?”
I think what finally snapped me out of my weird mood was the fact that, first, Bradley was treating me as though I were the younger one here--and that just wasn’t cool--and secondly, Patrick came strolling into my bedroom.
My blue gaze flicked up from the computer screen and when it found Patrick’s relaxed expression, the small smile slapped onto my face without even asking my permission. I reached a grabby hand out on impulse, and due to routine, until the older boy smirked a smile at me and took my hand in his.
Patrick climbed on the bed, laying on his side behind me. I rested my back against his upper abdomen, sitting cross-legged. His fingers on one hand played with mine, and he wrapped his other arm around my waist. The fingers of that hand messed with the hem of my shirt above my hip. Every now and then his fingers or nails would brush against my skin and I would subconsciously lean into it with a small, subconscious smile on my face. Patrick’s touch was comforting.
“Who are you talking to?” Patrick asked, not bothering to look at the screen. He just watched our fingers move together, yawning cutely as he did so.
“Uh, Bradley,” the self-proclaimed boy on the computer screen said in an obvious tone.
I smiled down at Patrick as he finally dragged his eyes up to look at the computer.
“Oh. ‘Sup?” the brown-eyed boy said.
He gave my little brother a brief, uninterested nod and went back to studying the fingers of my left hand. I let out a small laugh and Patrick glanced back up at me with a tiny, amused smirk on his face. When I looked back at Bradley, he was watching us with a weird glint in his eyes.
Bradley shook his head and blinked before he spoke. “So anyway, back to what I was saying, are you okay? What was that prick’s name...Rykker or something?”
“Rikert,” I said, frowning.
I felt Patrick tense for a second before he clearly forced himself to relax again as though nothing changed.
“Yeah, whatever,” Bradley said distractedly. “But you and him are completely through, though, right? Because that’s seriously some fucked up shit. I won’t tolerate someone treating my big brother like that. You don’t deserve it, Cay.”
I smiled sadly at the sixteen year old boy. I felt my chest swell with happiness at his words. Nodding to my brother, I said, “Yeah, it’s done.”
“Good,” the younger boy stated. He grinned widely at me. “I seriously can’t wait to see you. It’s been for-freaking-ever since you’ve been gone. I miss you. And I’m really sorry that we went so long without talking.”
Patrick twined our fingers together, abruptly making me aware again that he was there. I was so used to his touches and being with him that I’d forgotten he was right next to me. I was just that comfortable, I guess.
“It’s alright,” I told Bradley. “It was my fault anyway. I was stupid. You know how I am. I should have been a better brother or person or wha--”
“Hey,” Patrick whispered sharply. He tugged on my hand and brushed his thumb over my hip bone. I blinked my eyes down at him, surprised by his interruption. “Don’t do that, alright?”
My cheeks flushed again and I frowned slightly, turning away from the older boy’s burning gaze. I knew he hated when I talked myself down. But I didn’t even mean to do it that time. I guess it was just normal when I tried to apologize for stuff.
“Sorry,” I mumbled quietly.
“What are you two muttering about?” Bradley blurted. “You’re too quiet, I can’t hear.”
“Nothing,” I said, thinking: good. “Anyway, what are you getting up to tonight?”
Bradley scoffed and scowled. “Not much I can do,” he grumbled, spinning in his desk chair. “It’s a Sunday evening, remember? Got school tomorrow. Oh, but Eryn’s coming over. Actually, what time is it? He should be here any minute.”
I nodded carefully and Patrick laid his head down on the blanket, placing our hands onto his own cheek. I looked at him and saw he’d closed his eyes. He looked really peaceful and I smiled at him before speaking.
“You guys, uh, still together then?”
Bradley nodded. “Oh, yeah. Of course. Caise, you know it’s not a joke,” he explained. His fingers tapped a random beat on his desk. “Eryn and I are in a serious relationship. I don’t care if I’m younger than you guys, I’ll be seventeen in a week. Not a big deal. We love each other, so what does it matter?”
I shook my head innocently, feeling successfully scolded. “It doesn’t. I didn’t say anything. I was just shocked before, okay? And I was feeling really shitty.” I pursed my lips before continuing. “I’d had it stuck in my mind that he actually loved me like he said. And then I find out you two are fooling around without telling me, so I took it pretty hard. I thought he wasn’t going to be serious with you and I don’t want you getting your heart stomped on either.”
Bradley chuckled and waved me off. “Oh stop it. You’re spewing shit now. We’ve talked about it a lot, you know. Him being ‘in love’ with you. ‘Cause in all honesty it’s a pretty touchy subject with me. I don’t want to have to share him. I really love him and to think he’s using me for you...well, let’s just say he knows I’d kill him if he ever fucked me over.”
At first I was a bit surprised at my brother’s words. I’d never even thought that Bradley could feel that strongly about someone, let alone a guy who was my best friend. “I promise I’ll stay out of your guys’ relationship.”
Bradley smiled. “Don’t make it sound like you’ll never hang out with us. He’s your friend before he’s my boyfriend. It’ll be cool, don’t worry. We aren’t one of those overly public couples. So you should be safe with not feeling like a third wheel.”
“Thanks,” I said.
I heard the familiar sound of the doorbell going off in my New Zealand house and I felt a second of longing. I missed everything about being there. The sights, the smells, and the sounds. I heard Garner and Crow barking before Bradley excused himself to go retrieve Eryn.
While I waited, I looked back down at Patrick. I flicked the tip of his nose and his eyes shot open. He gave me a blank stare before sitting up to gently bite the skin of my shoulder underneath my t-shirt. His teeth didn’t hardly even bite down, but I could still feel them.
“Hey,” I whined playfully.
Patrick pulled back and gave me a genuinely delighted smile. “Oops. Don’t mess with my face.”
I laughed and then I heard noises coming from Bradley’s room. Patrick rested his cheek against my upper arm so he could watch the screen too. Eryn sat down in Bradley’s chair and then my brother sat on his lap. It was weird at first, but then I smiled when I thought of how adorable they looked together. It brought a pang to my chest, wishing I’d get that again some day.
“Hey, Cay!” Eryn chirped. Then he mumbled enthusiastically, “Oh yeah, that rhymed. I’m so fucking awesome.” He squeezed his arms around my brother’s waist where he was holding onto him. “Right?”
Bradley rolled his eyes and gave me a look while he said in a fake-proud voice. “Yeah, totally babe. The coolest.”
Eryn scowled and I laughed. Even Patrick let out a little snort at my brother’s sarcasm. Then I smiled so wide I thought I might break my face. Because I just realized how nice this was. How enjoyable it was to sit and banter with my best friend, my little brother, and Patrick--who was basically just everything all rolled into one.
I never wanted this to end as we kept chatting about random shit for the next hour and a half. It just felt way too good, and I knew that it would be over soon. Yeah, I’d get to see Bradley and Eryn again in just a couple days, but that meant giving up Patrick. And I surely wasn’t ready for that.
How could I even function without him there anymore? He had been the biggest part of my life for the last three weeks--and probably a lot longer without me even realizing. I knew that as soon as I got on that plane, it would all change. I’d feel empty and alone again. Because that was exactly what I would be. Patrick couldn’t come with me, and that crushing realization pissed me off and made me really sad all at once.
I thought back to what he said to me this morning. He might not want me to leave, but I actually didn’t want to go. Wait, no. That wasn’t true. I didn’t care where I was, really. As long as I had Patrick there, it would work out. We’d be okay. But without him...unfortunately that was a different story. One that I didn’t want to have to sit around for years or even days tearing my hair out and growing more anxiety ridden as the seconds ticked by waiting for it to play out.
I tried to grin and laugh with the other boys until we were ending the video call. And I tried my hardest not to stare too angrily at my suitcases sitting by my bedroom door. And then lastly, I tried not to dwell on all the awful and dark feelings that were threatening to overshadow my thoughts as Patrick and I fell asleep relatively early that night--it was barely past eleven pm.
It took almost a half hour of rolling around in my bed and sighing uncomfortably before Patrick finally drew me into his arms, cutting off any major mobility, and simply urged me to fall asleep with the gentle and husky words that fell from his lips. Believe it or not, it was enough to get me to grow completely calm and drowsy.
As if the universe were dead-set against me, the morning actually came. I rather childishly and quite indignantly spent a good few minutes of my initial waking cursing aloud. There were tears, complaints, argued words, whimpers, and hiding underneath covers. Amazingly, all of this was before I even left the bed.
I think Patrick was hesitant about what I was going to be like once were finally at the airport. He handled it well, though, in my opinion. When I hid under the blanket, he crawled in with me, pulling me close and crowding my space in the most pleasant way. When I whimpered, he held my hand and kissed my face until I laughed. Whenever I argued and complained with him about having to get up, he just argued back. Then he barely even let the tears fall before he was already swiping them away and persistently assuring me that it would all be okay.
As much as I wanted to, I just couldn’t believe him. Because I knew otherwise. I couldn’t provide evidence for that conclusion of mine, but I just knew. And so all the way to the airport, I never let myself believe he was telling me the truth.
I was thoroughly convinced that the world was ending as we parked the cars and each one of my family members walked me into the airport and up towards the security check-in. I also refused to let go of Patrick’s hand since the moment I crawled out of bed. I knew it was probably driving him crazy that he only had one hand for roughly three hours, but I couldn’t make myself care.
I felt as if letting go of his hand was much more than that. It seemed like it was symbolic of the end of all time. Or the world, really. The way I saw it, the second I let go of that tall, brown-eyed boy, everything was over. I wasn’t ready to cope with a reality such as that.
Even as I gave my goodbye hugs to each of my uncles, my aunt, and then Aria and Phoebe, my fingers were still twined with Patrick’s. I hadn’t had a smile on my face for at least twenty minutes, and it had been over an hour since it had been a genuine one. The second it was, unfortunately, Patrick’s turn to say his final parting words to me, the blank expression was wiped clean from my face and replaced with one of bewilderment as he pulled me away from our family members until we were about fifteen feet away.
I stared up at his eyes where they hovered only an inch higher off the ground than mine did. My things were sitting on the floor next to the others, making it easy for Patrick grab my previously free hand so that he now had both of them in his.
My eyes widened in anticipation for both what he was doing and for what he was going to do next. Because with Patrick, I honestly never knew.
I let him pull me close into a hug. His arms wrapped around me as tightly as mine wrapped around him. I breathed raggedly, trying to remain calm and not as overwhelmed as my beating heart was attempting to make me.
When Patrick pulled back, he dropped his hands to my waist, and let them settle over my hips. I rested my own hands over his biceps through his sweatshirt, and watched his eyes roam over my face uncertainly. He was standing so close that his minty-sweet breath was falling across my face, and I could probably count the faint little freckles over his nose. I knew there were less than a dozen.
The moment he opened his mouth and let all that word vomit out, I could already feel my breathing stopping, and my brain shutting down. Yet despite the urgency and the panic and sheer quietness of his whispering voice--not to mention my puddling thoughts--I paid rapt attention to each thing he said. And, lo and behold, I kind of almost understood it.
“I really love you,” Patrick said.
I could hear his voice wavering. I could see the terror in his eyes and before I could even grasp why that fear was there, I was just overcome with the need to hug it away. But I didn’t, because I couldn’t move. I just waited.
Without giving himself the chance to take in a calming breath, the older boy kept on talking, saying, “Sometimes I swear it’s more than I should. And because I know you are way too dense to understand this unless I clarify it for you--and I mean that in the most loving, most endearing, way possible--but, yeah, I’m telling you right now. I love you more than a cousin--which, technically we aren’t even blood related in any way possible--and I love you more than a friend. I love you in the same exact way that Jaxon loves Aria, or Kieran loves Drew.
“I’ve been as patient with you as I can,” he breathed, flickering his eyes from one of mine, to the other, and then back again. I watched his Adam’s apple bob around as he swallowed nervously. “I’m so sorry that this happened. You have no idea how hard I’ve tried to not fall in love with you, but I couldn’t stop it. I’m just--I’m really sorry for putting you through this. Fuck, this is so embarrassing for the both of us.”
He shook his head and his cheeks flushed a light shade of red. Patrick dropped his head down slightly and shyly glanced back up at me through his lashes, nearly making me die from the sight of it. It was suddenly on the top of my list as the most breathtaking view I have ever seen.
“I--just--sorry,” he said quietly. The frustration of finding the right words was clear as he spoke. I didn’t think I would ever get sick of it. “But...I love you. And I had to tell you because I can’t even begin to fathom letting you go like this without you knowing. I needed you to know, and to really understand this, in person.”
He took a step back and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. His unwashed hair was sticking in a million different directions, and it wasn’t helped in the slightest when he ran a frantic hand through it three seconds later.
I think I was freaking the fuck out as soon as I realized he was done talking. Because the instant he stopped speaking, he simply took his hands away from me, stopped touching my body, and walked away. Actually, in my frazzled state it seemed like he was running; that desperate to get away from me.
I felt a frown attack my face as I retrieved my things and gave a vocal, general farewell to the rest of the group as a whole. I could see they were just as confused by Patrick’s actions as I was, and they didn’t even have to stand there and listen to his words. Once everybody was leaving me I started to walk away as well, only in the opposite direction.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I turned around to stare at the pacing and panicking teenage boy a hundred feet away from me. The others were chatting to each other from what I could see, and none of them glanced back at me. But I only cared about Patrick. The sight of him--just knowing that he was freaking himself out--made me flighty and worried.
And the moment I turned around to put my things on the conveyor belt for security, I heard quick footsteps falling over the linoleum flooring. Then a lean body was running smack-into me, nearly knocking me over. The perplexed looks from security and the people around me in the line were immediately forgotten because of what Patrick was doing with that stupid face and those stupid eyes and those stupid hands of his as he stood in front of me.
Patrick’s chocolate-coloured eyes filled with an intensity far greater than any I had ever seen before. His hands held a promise as he cupped my face in them both and forced his lips straight onto mine in the softest, gentlest way possible. It lasted for hardly more than five seconds and then he was gone. He let go of me once again, and started to back away. His lips quirked into a dazed smirk and then he turned on his heel and ran off.
Patrick was like a thief in the night with that kiss. It was unexpected in every single way. Yet, at the same time, it was amazing. Something so small and confusing that would be on my mind the entire time I went through security, while I sat in the terminal waiting for my flight to be called, and the entire seventeen hour flight. And then for days after I got home.
I couldn’t stop thinking about every single thing he had said to me that day in the Los Angeles Airport. I pictured his movements and how his hands shook from the anxiety. Every time I closed my eyes, I let my thoughts wander over to that frustrating and amazing brown-eyed boy. I couldn’t forget the way his face looked as he spilled his heart out, or right before he placed his lips on mine.
I actually don’t think I ever forgot about it. Or Patrick. I thought about him constantly; every single day. Until I got to see him again less than a year later. Then thoughts turned into words and words turned into actions and I realized I never wanted to let him go ever again.
Patrick was mine. I was Patrick’s. It was as uncomplicated as that.