Brandon’s POV
Its midnight, I’m so glad I didn’t let Avan take this room. It has the biggest windows_ right now Ash is lying asleep in my arms; she looks like an angel_ but with bruises. I can’t believe I did that, I swore to myself I’d never hurt her again. I don’t know what comes over me , I just don’t_ I wish I could control my demons instead of letting them control me , not that it’s an excuse or something. I just hate her seeing this way. I never meant it to come to this .I would have destroyed anyone who would have tried to harm her but look at us now; I’m the main source of her pain. I love her so much, so much; I can’t let her walk away. It’s very selfish of me but I can’t. I hate myself for that. I know she deserves better. She has the whole world waiting for her and I’m the only one stopping her. She is destined for greatness .She aims big , she believes in her dreams ,she believes in us , she’s smart and beautiful and knows exactly what she wants _sorry, correction _used to know what she wanted , I’ve messed with her brain, she wanted Beverly Hill/New Hamptons life style , fast car a modern house with wall length window_ she loves windows_ and I could totally see her getting all these things in 10 years , walking on the ramp , people envying her, scoring a son of a billionaire.
I hate it , I hate what I’ve done with her, I hate it , I hate myself, she hates it but she can’t help herself she loves me, SHE LOVES ME , I LOVE HER. It is that simple, then why is it so difficult?
( big breathe) it the one habit I have developed from ash , she takes breath in breath out in order to calm herself, I thought it was only in movies but now I know it works.
I really am a psychopath, I know I’ve lost my mind, I’m a co-founder of a most-wanted gang, I steal, I kill, I like it, I have trouble sleeping, I hit my girlfriend, the one thing I love most in the whole world and argggghh
Maybe I should take counselling but I think that requires to be totally honest with the shrink and well I can’t tell anyone about the gang. I know ash is right. I should leave this shit but what about the guys? They’re like my brother , most of them don’t have families or have lost thee everything and I dragged them to this I can’t just leave them and apart from that how would I earn or anything I mean I don’t have job or any sort of education . I do remember my senior year, when all I could think was landing a scholarship but that was before I knew the truth about everything. Ash thinks I should give audition with her, who knows maybe I’ll get in too…
But that not how this works. Life is cruel and we are broke.
Still no can blame her for having some hope. She needs it, otherwise she’ll break. I swear to god, she’s one of the strongest person I’ve ever known and believe me I’ve seen some pretty strong people in my days.
Anyways I know I‘ve made mistakes and I’ve done things wrong and I don’t appreciate her for who she is .I wanna give her everything that’s why I don’t wanna back down. I wanna be the prince she dreams for but sometimes , most of times , I act like an idiot and right now I’m not getting paid but I promise one day it’ll all change. Right now times are thought but I don’t want her to give up on me and say this is just too much. She’s the only one who knows me the best, she’s my other half and I just can’t let her go. If shell only understand that I’m doing this for us for your future, one day picture us, life on the beach one day picture us. This is why I’m always searching for new ways of getting paid_ but all my dreams are ashes; we’re drowning in loan and debt. All I wanted was to shelter her, to tell her truth to see her happy but my demons won’t let me. I just feel like I let her down. I let myself down. All I want her to know is “this is all for you.”
We got bills to pay and the dates due_ I chuckle to myself , if all this doesn’t works out ,I’ll become a pop rap artist .
(Sigh) what date’s today? Yesterday was, yeah okay. I have to go Toronto, the day after tomorrow , we finally got enough money for plane , I personally have to attend a ‘meeting’ , Ash doesn’t wants me to go , she hates feeling ‘I don’t know if you’ll even come back or not’. I smiled just imagining her face when she says that, that I turn my head to look at her and see, she’s already awake and looking at my face. She smiles at me, between that pain, that hurting her, ripping her apart. She doesn’t want anyone to see that but I do, I’m the one who gives it to her in the first place.
All her hopes die one after another and she’s trying and trying and trying to manage it all. She’s even skinner now, her grey eyes, giving a shade of light silver in this dim light coming from the window. Her hair have grown, they almost touch her hips now.
We shared a few “without words” moments but I finally broke the comfortable silence.
“I love you, you know” her grey eyes beautiful than ever.
“I love you more, you know.”
‘Just try to forget everything that happened, we’ll run away back to yesterday” I want to tell her but I don’t.
“Don’t ever leave me, alright?”
“Alright.”
“Promise?”
“I swear”
And I lie back, thinking if I wake up tomorrow would she still be here.
Ashley POV
I lied there in his arms, wondering what was worrying him but I figured it must be ‘work’. I couldn’t bring myself to say words like ‘gang’ or ‘con-man’ or anything else. They are just too Hollywood, so instead I just tease him by saying ‘pack’ but apart from that I had come close to all the guys in past months, I mean, I get it, I also had abandonment issues, I know what having no family, no friend, nobody feels like but still I it doesn’t mean start killing people who have nothing to do with it.
Something was troubling Brandon and I couldn’t put a finger on it. Brandon got involved and was in too deep. I honestly didn’t knew why he was still doing it , does he like living on the edge, does the drug world gives him a thrill and identity he needed, I could only guess, I don’t have the slightest idea what it was like. After few moments, I couldn’t think anymore____ I opened my eyes to see if he was still awake, he was.
“Can I have a cigarette?”
He made a face but turned toward his side drawer, took two out and gave one to me. Then he took his lighter and lit them.
Yeah I’ve started smoking, normal, as well as marijuana and hashish. I sometimes even get high on ice, but only when things get to frustrating.
At first Brandon didn’t knew when I started, but when he knew he got a little mad, he doesn’t like when I smoke but he can’t do anything about it. If he’ll ask me to stop I’ll do the same and since he can’t stop, I can’t too. So he doesn’t ask.
At least I’m not an alcoholic , I tried to comfort myself , I mean , I do drink cheap beer at parties or sometime wine , a glass or two at dinner but no more than that______ Brandon and Avan, especially Avan , drinks A LOT when they’re depressed.
None of my friends know I smoke , well except for Sofie, she caught me one night when she spent the night__ Sofie and Avan , hadn’t made any progress. What I mean is , Avan’s in love with her and Sofie crazy about him too, its suppose to be easy , isn’t it? But it isn’t. Sofie won’t even admit her feelings to herself. She doesn’t wants to get involved in all this; simply, she doesn’t wants to end up__like me. She has a choice, I didn’t. She tried seeing other people buh well Avan doesn’t exactly makes it easy for other guys to be around him.
He is clever and mature and manipulative. He’s the more Rule_this_whole_universe type but I still love him like my own brother. I have a thing for loving the wrong people. Yee__aah.
“What?”
“What?”
“You are looking at me like that.” I smirked.
“Nothing, you are beautiful, but your weaker now.”
“Go to sleep” I blew the smoke through my nose “you need it.”
He pretended he didn’t hear that and continued looking at me like that.
I can swear to God, I had never heard silence quite that loud.
We practiced today, me and Brandon, for my audition. We managed some hours between work, it was good, we’ll pull through.
Bills are piling up, I’m just fed up, fed up of this life, life isn’t supposed to be this hard, is it? I just , sometimes wish ,I could be strong enough, to lift us , one day , someday , I will be ,we’ll be strong enough, we’ll pull through. I’ll be able to lift both of us. I just hate the feeling when you open the fridge, and there no food in it. It just makes you feel_ hopeless, powerless. And it is absolutely the worst feeling ever and believe me I’ve known some worst feelings in my. I just wanna LIVE but every day is so low. Time gets rough. Sometimes I wonder what if life hadn’t chosen us; if it was up to me, I would start it all over make, all the right choices, make life just a little bit easier for both of us. But life is no Nintendo game, it just comes once, so I have to fix this one, we’ll just have to try and try and try and try harder. We’ll stand tall and stiffen up that upper lip and I promise everything’s gonna be alright.
I sucked in a deep breath, my cigarette had finished while I was mourning over what could have been ran my finger through my hair.
Tomorrow’s also my self-defence class with Avan , yeah , I’m learning to do that , did I forgot to mention what happened a week ago0 , me and Brandon were “attacked” a week ago. The “rival pack” came to “kidnap” me for leverage. Seems kinda like a action movie, believe me it is.
Well anyways it was a good thing me and Brandon made it home alive but now both Avan and Brandon insisted that I should be able to protect myself so I was learning self and aiming.
Whenever I figure life can’t get any worse it slaps me right in the face.
I just figured there is no way out of this so let’s stay in. it’s like on a wire we are dancing. Two kids stupid and fearless.
Fighting against the world without caring about the consequences. All we need is someone to pull the trigger and this is all over. It’s like a time bomb set in the motion. And none of us is ready to let it go. All I know we are destined to explode, let’s try to defuse it, I know we are gonna lose it but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I pulled closer to Brandon and tried to shut my brain off and thought, life always gives you a second chance, its tomorrow now go to sleep Ashley.