The start of an ending

IT'S NOT A CHOICE , ITS A DISEASE

God , I felt awful , what the hell was I thinking , how could have I let him do it, arghhh

Okay kill me now _ I was cursing, myself , hung over from that cigarette last night , I laid there in Brandon’s arms thinking about the horrible mistake I just made. I looked at myself , my arms , my legs , my hips my whole body was full of scars and bruises  , some of them were from last night_ last night me and Brandon got in a fight , the usual and he hit me Again. I told him I was leaving him, things got ugly. I crossed the room and headed to the door when he grabbed me and slammed me to the wall , his whole body against mine , all his weight on me and all i could think was –just one more night- then what , I tried tell him no but my body kept telling him yes…

I got up and sat on the bed, ran my fingers through my hair and convinced myself to suck it in, stop feeling guilt; it won’t be the first time this has happened.

It was raining, the weather was beautiful_ the smell, the sky, the colours, red is my favourite, you know.

Its 6’o clock in the morning, last night my shift ended at 12and after all that drama, we finally feel asleep at 4 but now it’s 6 in the morning I’m wide awake.

Brandon isn’t afraid of my empty threats anymore, I’ve told him the same lies a million times, how can the only thing that’s killing me make me feel so alive. All I want is him to notice me but as soon as he does I wish he never did. Nothing really mattered anymore. He promised so many things, he didn’t even keep one. What about love? What about us? What about that our promises? What is he doing to my head? He should be with me instead? What about all those words he said? I let a tear escape my eye. The bruises or The heartache, what hurt the most I didn’t knew. What day is it, I thought to myself.

I opened my side drawer and took out my sell to check. It was 23rd July.

Oh god, only one week left, I thought to myself, I had my MSA and Julliard audition in one week, I need to practice.

                         Brandon’s gonna be my partner , I think I’m gonna stick to contemporary , you know , play it safe but it’ll provide the edge buy a killer song , looking at myself I’ve decided to choreograph it on ‘ love the way you lie’ part TWO. It’s only appropriate. It has good beats and my bruises could look like part of the makeover. My whole body is pretty sore but I’d do almost anything to get into NYADA or MSA.

“9234 547350875” Alex texts me.

I asked him to text me no. of any contact that’ll help me find a part time job.

Oh , I may have forgotten to mention  , we were broke , yeah , money was never a problem before , but now that Paul , Brandon’s 14teen year old hacker gang member got caught and 2 of his other men got killed and there “Arrangement” with police was reported_ we were broke.

I used to take as many shifts as possible, sometimes even 3.

You know what

                      Shit happens, life goes on

                        Life sucks and then we die

        Get over it.

“Thanks” I texted him back , wondering why on gods earth was he awake at this hour but then I remembered he goes for a jog.

“Hey beautiful” Brandon looked at me with his sleepy eyes. The lightning and thunder must have woken him. We are both light sleepers.

“Morning” I smiled back.

“What are you doing up so early?”

“Weather” I admitted and he smiled knowingly.